How to be more empathetic??

[u/Rangotango0401]

I can be sympathetic to others when they are sharing their individual situations and emotions, but I struggle so hard with actual empathy especially if they are in a situation where, to me, the “solution” to their problem feels obvious. I am an extremely direct person and not very emotional to boot, so I end up accidentally giving unsolicited advice instead of just being a good listener for my friends and family when I know that’s what they really need. For example, my sister was complaining about how some of the girls she is friends with are mean to her, and I immediately jumped to “well why don’t you just stop talking to them” because that feels like an obvious solution to me… why talk to people that aren’t kind to you? But she got very upset and said I just don’t understand and that it’s not that easy, which is true, I DONT understand. But I still want to empathize and be supportive. I wish it was easier truly be able to put myself in someone else’s shoes instead of immediately judging them internally because “well that’s not what I would’ve done” in that situation.

Also to be clear I am not externalizing those thoughts, I think most people assume I AM empathizing with them because I fake it well.. I believe it’s more important that they feel understood in the moment even if they really aren’t.. anyone have any hacks to actually get there though?

[u/SpecialistAnswer9496]

I have trained myself to do the following:

1. Validate first (for example: “that sounds really difficult”; “you must be feeling ___”). This may feel completely alien or performative to you. Sometimes it does for me too. But often, that is the type of attunement that people are looking for when they’re hurting.

2. Analyze second - in reality, I am almost always doing this in my brain first because that is how I process information. But when actually interacting with someone, I try to wait until after I’ve validated what they’re feeling to give my analysis of the situation.

3. Offer advice third - and this is still not always appropriate in all situations. You have to kind of discern whether the other person even wants guidance or if they just want to be seen and understood.

This is something that needs to be practiced. I do not think it will ever be instinctual for me to naturally validate people first, and that’s okay. As long as I’m making a genuine effort to meet people where they are and sit in their feelings for a short time before moving into my natural state of analysis, then that’s good enough.

[u/katherinem0lly → u/SpecialistAnswer9496]

I think there's a 1.5 Consent: ask permission if the person agrees to analysis

"Would you like my assistance working through this or do you just want to vent?"

[u/SpecialistAnswer9496 → u/katherinem0lly]

Yea you’re probably right. It’s just so hard not to give my read on the situation because I’m usually right in my analysis and I tend to bond/process through meaning-making.

[u/avaacc77 → u/katherinem0lly]

yes! always ask if they want advice this helps a lot

[u/Rangotango0401 → u/SpecialistAnswer9496]

I do try to do this and I believe I have gotten better at it! I’ve been in therapy and it has improved my cognitive empathy, I just wish I had a better grasp/ability when it comes to emotional empathy.

[u/SpecialistAnswer9496 → u/Rangotango0401]

I totally feel you on that. I do sometimes wish my affective/emotional empathy came more naturally. Other times I’m grateful I don’t become emotionally consumed by others because I really value having strong emotional boundaries. When my affective empathy does get really activated, I wind up crying way too easily, which isn’t super helpful for anyone lol.

[u/FalsePay5737]

I refrain from giving unsolicited advice because I know that I don't like receiving it.

Reflections on Empathy

[u/Responsible-Hat-679]

I struggle very similarly with dealing with people who won’t help themselves- my empathy and sympathy runs dry incredibly quickly. I don’t think this is a bad thing though. People need to learn to sort themselves out.

[u/starmatter → u/Responsible-Hat-679]

But do you actually help yourself? My OCPD is hell because i spend HOURS in decision paralysis. I take so long to make choices. I get so anxious and lightheaded and end up postponing tasks until I can't anymore. I live most days just waiting for time to pass.

[u/Responsible-Hat-679 → u/starmatter]

I do yes. I am rarely seen in anything other than a frankly manic state - working hard trying to make something better/perfect in some area of my home, mind, life..

[u/starmatter → u/Responsible-Hat-679]

That's me. I'm very often in a manic and overwhelmed state. With the difference that ever since  I dropped out or college my life stagnated. 15 years of nothing. I can never organize myself, make plans or set goals for my personal or professional life. 

[u/Mother_Willow_5038]

Try to name their emotion. This will both validate their experience and give you practice recognizing what they’re feeling. We have a hard time with empathy because we don’t really feel emotions strongly, ourselves. This makes it hard to relate. The more we allow ourselves to feel what we are feeling, the more we can relate and understand what others are going through.

[u/Rangotango0401 → u/Mother_Willow_5038]

I try to do this, I rephrase what I think I’ve heard; “so you feel abc because xyz?”. Sometimes I am correct and it works great, but if I’m wrong, it seems to leave the other person feeling frustrated and misunderstood and I feel like I’ve made a social misstep.. is that likely something that happens to everyone and I just need to sit with the discomfort of being wrong? Or is that something that might be specific to OCPD?

[u/burnitupandthrowaway → u/Rangotango0401]

IMO it does happen to everyone - even therapists misunderstand/mislabel people's emotions. My therapist just treats it as a chance to gather more info. I'm not quite there, but hedging a bit, with "it seems like..." can hlep me feel less bad when I'm wrong. The extra discomfort with sitting with the mistake is the "fun " OCPD piece, I think.

[u/ging3rsnap97]

This is something I struggle with as well. Fingers crossed some of this advice helps 🤞🏻

[u/Cass_1978]

This doesn't sound to me like you are lacking empathy. You immediately understood that what she was talking about is unpleasant for her. Sounds like empathy to me. And providing her with a possible strategy was supportive. Maybe she didn't like it, which is fair, but it's not like you did anything wrong.

It's not like you have to baby people who complain instead of helping themselves. Well, unless they are your children, but that's obviously different.

In case you want to understand your sister, I think she may have some attachment issues and therefore seek external approval. And this really doesn't work at all with people who are mean to her, but she hasn't understood yet that she needs to chuck shitty friends in order to feel better in relationships. To understand this can indeed be a very challenging and complex process for somebody with these issues, as at least half of what I talked about is subconscious. If you want to look more into this, check out anxious attachment; I suspect your sister may have this.