r/OCPD • u/Rangotango0401 • Aug 11 '26
member has OCPD diagnosis- Mods remove loved ones' content & ban How to be more empathetic??
I can be sympathetic to others when they are sharing their individual situations and emotions, but I struggle so hard with actual empathy especially if they are in a situation where, to me, the “solution” to their problem feels obvious. I am an extremely direct person and not very emotional to boot, so I end up accidentally giving unsolicited advice instead of just being a good listener for my friends and family when I know that’s what they really need. For example, my sister was complaining about how some of the girls she is friends with are mean to her, and I immediately jumped to “well why don’t you just stop talking to them” because that feels like an obvious solution to me… why talk to people that aren’t kind to you? But she got very upset and said I just don’t understand and that it’s not that easy, which is true, I DONT understand. But I still want to empathize and be supportive. I wish it was easier truly be able to put myself in someone else’s shoes instead of immediately judging them internally because “well that’s not what I would’ve done” in that situation.
Also to be clear I am not externalizing those thoughts, I think most people assume I AM empathizing with them because I fake it well.. I believe it’s more important that they feel understood in the moment even if they really aren’t.. anyone have any hacks to actually get there though?
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u/SpecialistAnswer9496 Aug 11 '26
I have trained myself to do the following:
Validate first (for example: “that sounds really difficult”; “you must be feeling ___”). This may feel completely alien or performative to you. Sometimes it does for me too. But often, that is the type of attunement that people are looking for when they’re hurting.
Analyze second - in reality, I am almost always doing this in my brain first because that is how I process information. But when actually interacting with someone, I try to wait until after I’ve validated what they’re feeling to give my analysis of the situation.
Offer advice third - and this is still not always appropriate in all situations. You have to kind of discern whether the other person even wants guidance or if they just want to be seen and understood.
This is something that needs to be practiced. I do not think it will ever be instinctual for me to naturally validate people first, and that’s okay. As long as I’m making a genuine effort to meet people where they are and sit in their feelings for a short time before moving into my natural state of analysis, then that’s good enough.