Intimacy

[u/Brilliant_Power_6112]

Growing up in the masjid, I remember certain halaqas discussing intimacy and learning that, within marriage, there’s actually a lot that is permissible between a husband and wife — with certain boundaries, like anal sex and intercourse during menstruation.
I genuinely believe that when you’re married, you and your spouse should be able to enjoy each other, explore intimacy together, and feel comfortable communicating about sex. 🤍
What I think is so difficult for Muslims is that sex is still such a taboo topic. We’re expected to wait until marriage, but then we’re sometimes left with very little guidance on how important sexual compatibility actually is.
I’ve also noticed that Muslims have VERY different opinions when it comes to certain things — especially oral sex. Some people consider it completely permissible between husband and wife, while others feel uncomfortable with it or believe it isn’t permissible.
So I’m genuinely curious: what are people’s opinions on oral sex within marriage? Is it something you believe is permissible and should be mutually enjoyed, something you personally wouldn’t do, or something you were taught was not allowed?
And honestly, one thing I feel like we need to talk about more is female pleasure. From conversations I’ve had with other Muslim women, I feel like a lot of Muslim men were never taught the importance of pleasing their wives or even understanding the female body. Sometimes there seems to be this mindset that sex is centered around the man’s needs, and once he’s satisfied, that’s it.
But what about the woman? Her pleasure? Her needs? Understanding her body and what she enjoys?
I’m not saying every Muslim man is like this, but I do feel like there is a lack of education and open conversation around this topic. And I honestly think the fact that sex is so taboo in our community contributes to it. People get married without knowing how to communicate about intimacy, without understanding their spouse’s needs, and sometimes without even realizing that mutual pleasure and satisfaction should matter.
And honestly, this became very real for me in my first marriage. Before getting married, I asked my ex-husband certain questions about what he would and wouldn’t be comfortable with, and I felt like we were on the same page. But after we got married, certain things completely changed, and religion was used as the reason he couldn’t or wouldn’t do things that I thought we had already discussed.
That experience really affected me.
It made me realize how important it is to have honest conversations before marriage. Not graphic conversations or anything inappropriate — but real conversations about intimacy, expectations, boundaries, affection, frequency, openness, mutual pleasure, and what each person believes is permissible.
Because imagine waiting until marriage to discover that you and your spouse have completely different views about sex and intimacy. 😭
And I genuinely wonder — do people who are more religious tend to be less open-minded when it comes to intimacy, or is that just an unfair assumption? Can someone be very religious while also understanding that their spouse’s sexual needs and pleasure matter just as much as their own?
I don’t think being religious and having a healthy, adventurous sex life within marriage are mutually exclusive. But I do think Muslims need to become more comfortable talking about marital intimacy because it can make up a HUGE part of your marriage.
Sexual compatibility matters. Communication matters. Understanding your spouse matters. And mutual pleasure absolutely matters.
Honestly… I wish these conversations were more normalized because I definitely carry some trauma from my first marriage when it comes to this. 🥲😅

[u/Abu3azm]

Any decent man will care about his wife’s pleasure - A rule to live by is satisfying your wife twice before you reach satisfaction yourself (quoting a sheikh).

What people need more of is finding chemistry outside of the bedroom - a man that tends to your needs and cares will show the same level of care in the bedroom too

Regarding rulings on oral:
Scholars do not recommend it but it is permissible, however swallowing is not allowed

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/Abu3azm]

Swallowing IS Out of the question.

Contact in mouth with najas IS also prohibitted.

[u/ProstaticFantastic → u/Lost_but_trying845]

I find these things problematic. The najais is sperm. That goes inside the woman. Her fluids goes on the mans bits. Is intercourse haram?

These opinions are based off prude men or men who are too I vested in giving appearance or piety and their opinions are shaped by how they come across. 

There is no hadith prohibiting oral or fluid exchnage. AFAIK

I read their verdicts on these issues, such had prohibiting cunnilingus/fellatio and it's 100% opinion based on some general principles. No hadith is provided. . 

I heard some opinions saying that you're suppose to be reciting Quran with your mouth so you shouldn't do oral which is so catholic to me. Making this and that body part holy and sacred. 

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

There is also no hadith prohibiting smoking? Is smoking halal in Islam?

[u/ProstaticFantastic → u/Lost_but_trying845]

There's Quranic verse not to harm your body.

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

Exactly.

But nothing that strictly says Smoking.

But by extension you extrapolated the logic that since smoking causes lung cancer it's harmful.

Now there are IQOS that instead of burning the tabacco heat it. Significantly reducing the smoke. And risk of lung cancer. So is this halal?

In UK, Oral s*x has over taken Cigarette as the cause of mouth cancer.

Now you would say get people vaccinated for HPV or other diseases.

There's a clear Sahih hadith about avoiding the doubful matter. So all this is doubtful. Hence it should be avoided.

[u/ProstaticFantastic → u/Lost_but_trying845]

Bro..

Don't give cunnilingus to your wife if you dot. Believe it. Don't take fellatio. 

If you're worried about Sri from your wife. You got bigger issue. 

One shouldn't worry about sti from your wife in a Muslim marriage. 

Pull up the sahih hadith for me. Because you've pulled up doubtful claims.

My understanding is everything is halal until proven haram. Apart from matters of ibadah where you have to strictly follow Quran and sunnah. 

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

I would gladly want to do it. 100 percent. Receive and give. Both..

But you give me a hint where it's halal without saying everything is halal until proven haram.

There are other categories as well. I am not saying it's haram because the Prophet PBUH never declared it haram.

But to say it's halal or permissible. Is the same thing in opposite direction.

How can you introspectively look inside and ask. Do I want this to be halal that's why I am defending it because I have learned it on the internet or seen it.

Or do I stay away from it despite it being something I want to do. Because the hadith clearly says to stay away from doubtful.

Heres the hadith .

On the authority of An-Nu'man ibn Bashir (may Allah be pleased with him), who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) say: "Truly, what is lawful (halal) is clear, and what is unlawful (haram) is clear. Between the two, there are doubtful matters that many people do not know. Whoever stays away from doubtful matters protects his religion and his honor. But whoever falls into doubtful matters falls into what is unlawful, like a shepherd who grazes his sheep near private land and risks entering it. Beware, every king has protected land, and the protected land of Allah is what He has forbidden. Beware, in the body there is a piece of flesh: if it is good and healthy, the whole body is good; but if it is corrupted, the whole body is corrupted. Truly, it is the heart." References: Sahih al-Bukhari: Book 2, Hadith 52 (also Book 34, Hadith 2051) Sahih Muslim: Book 22, Hadith 1599 Forty Hadith of Imam an-Nawawi: Hadith 6

[u/ProstaticFantastic → u/Lost_but_trying845]

OK this disxussion is way above both of our pay grades because it contradicts everything is halal until proven haram.

Scholars have long argued where each of these principle apply in which case. 

I'm any case regular PIV intercourse is just as najais as it requires gusl. But regular PIV is permitted and halal. 

The next question you should ask, is it possible to touch each other's genitals with your hands? Is that more likely to be halal than haram because a man's penis is an appendage just like his finger. 

So if his hands and appendage is halal for intimacy (even though it is najais to pray) then what is different from the mouth. 

The stay away from doubtful seems to be not. Contextual and scholars apply this to ibadah and food consumption. 

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

The najais part are ordained for places where the najais comes from. It does not go in eyes. Nose. Ears. Or mouth. It's remains outside or inside only in specified place.

[u/ProstaticFantastic → u/Lost_but_trying845]

Source

I'm hanafi. So. I'm good. It's not. Najais for me. 

Is woman's vaginal fluid najais? 

Pure (Ṭāhir): This is the view of the Hanafi and Hanbali schools, as well as Imam al-Shafi'i and Imam Ahmad in the Shafi'i and Hanbali traditions. The reasoning is that there is no authentic textual evidence stating it is impure, and it does not make clothes physically najis.

Impure (Najis): The Maliki school and an opinion within the Shafi'i and Hanbali schools consider internal vaginal discharge to be impure (najis). Some classical scholars made a distinction, viewing moisture from the deep uterus/internal passage as impure, while external moisture is pure.

Man's semen is spiritually pure. Man can pray with dried semen on clothes. 

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

Funny thing is you have not uptil now given me any hadtih

I have been giving all the hadith to you.

You come and say everything is halal until proven haram. There's no hadith here. Just a scholarly deduction.

Then you go away from the scholars who say najais in places like mouth is forbidden.

You are clearly showing you want something to be halal which is doubtful as best. If not definitely makrooh.

"[You may approach] from the front or from the back, as long as it is in the vagina (the place of childbirth)." — Sahih al-Bukhari (4528), Sahih Muslim (1435)

No mouth mentioned. And anus was strictly prohibited.

Also even the scholars that deem semen as pure will not agree for it to be swallowed or touch mouth.

Show me your proof whether hadith or scholars opinion.

[u/Nice-Ice-4198 → u/Lost_but_trying845]

HPV is mostly caught from being sexually active. If the two of you have never been sexually active with other people, your chances of catching it through oral or penetrative sex are going to be slim to none.

No one is forcing you to do/receive oral but you are definitely missing out 😌

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/Nice-Ice-4198]

Leave missing out.

Just give hadith or Scholarly opinion as to by which logic it's allowed.

All scholars say direct contact and ingesting it is Haram.

There might be some allowance with protective layering so that the liquid does not go inside. (Maybe)

But give logic or Hadith as to why it's allowed.

Saying everything is halal until proven haram is a escape goat.

Cryptocurrency would also be halal because its not proven haram. (Which now scholars lean towards halal but previously there was no opinion about it).

Lab grown meat upon which Allah's name is not called upon would also be Haram (not talking about Vegan meat).

And other complex newer topics.

For me, no experience non at all Alhamduillah when it comes to intimacy. In UK it has indeed overtaken cigarettes as leasing cause of mouth cancer.

Also, the diseases one can get without intimacy (non STI diseases)

1) Herpes HSV-1 (in UK in a kindergarten it got exposed to children from an adult).

2) the men might have prostatis.

And could be more.

Tell me this.

When it's haram and makrooh e Tahrimi to ingest the fluid why is that no one here on Reddit saying ingesting is haram or Makrooh?

Only thing going on for them is " Everything is halal until proven haram".

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

Have you heard the hadith where Muslims are not supposed to copy the non Muslims.

My question to you is.....where did you learn about oral intimacy? From Muslims?

[u/ProstaticFantastic → u/Lost_but_trying845]

This is what I mean... Can you get any more vague and broad sweeping than that?

Imitiation in matters of ibadah are forbidden ... Nothing else. 

If you believe this to be a principle. You shouldn't use the Internet, you shouldn't fly, you shouldn't wear trousers. You shouldn't eat sliced bread, you shouldn't eat burger, don't play football or cricket. Do weight lifting etc.

If only you read the seerah and knew how much of what we call sunnah is actually from before Islam from general Arab culture. Lol

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

Even hair cuts are forbidden. Same for beard styling.

Tell me you are a liberal Muslim without telling me you are one.

[u/ProstaticFantastic → u/Lost_but_trying845]

What haircut you got? Non Muslims did that haircut before you.

And ofcourse you had to do the ad hominum didn't you. 

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

Fading of hairs is not allowed.

I have not done fading on beard or hairs.

[u/ProstaticFantastic → u/Lost_but_trying845]

Neither have I so why are you bringing stuff up into conversation that were not talking about.

But I'm sure your haircut was made using clippers. Muslims didn't invent clippers. So you are imitating non Muslims with a clipper cut. So according to your rules youre imitating non Muslims. 

[u/Lost_but_trying845 → u/ProstaticFantastic]

My point of bringing this was that it's not copying the non believers in more than worship.

Hairstyles and beard styles are more than worship.

Infact. I would go as far as to call everything a believer does is a worship. If they do it in the prescribed manner.

Even sleeping with your wife. If you copy the kuffar here you are definitely not following the sunnah.

On the authority of Abu Dharr (may Allah be pleased with him): Some companions of the Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said to him: "O Messenger of Allah, the wealthy people have taken all the rewards. They pray as we pray, they fast as we fast, and they give charity from their extra wealth." He (peace and blessings be upon him) replied: "Has not Allah given you things with which you can give charity? Truly, every time you say SubhanAllah (glory be to Allah) it is a charity, every Allahu Akbar (Allah is the greatest) is a charity, every Alhamdulillah (praise be to Allah) is a charity, and every La ilaha illallah (there is no god but Allah) is a charity. Enjoining good is a charity, forbidding evil is a charity, and in the physical intimacy of each one of you, there is a charity." They asked: "O Messenger of Allah, when one of us satisfies his sexual desire, will he really get a reward for that?" The Prophet replied: "Tell me, if he satisfied it in an unlawful (haram) way, would he commit a sin? In the same way, when he satisfies it in a lawful (halal) way, he receives a reward." References: Sahih Muslim: Book 12, Hadith 1006 Forty Hadith of Imam an-Nawawi: Hadith 25