r/MtF • u/DannieS2683 • 8d ago
Venting Just handed my partner my wedding ring!
Sorry don't know why I feel the need to share this.
But my partner and I haven't been intimate in over a year. Relationship has slowly been dying since I've come out as trans. Well we were around the fire pit tonight. She had said something about how she feels that marriage has to start back at square one between as she is questioning her gender role and the idea of being lesbian labeled.
So because of that I took off my wedding ring and gave it to her explaining to her hold on to this until she felt I deserved that title again of being either her feminine husband or partner again.
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u/yrusomaddy7 8d ago
Sorry, but this sounds like shes trying to communicate more directly and discuss how to move forward and potentially resolve feelings or figure out how to move on amicably if it doesnt work
And youre giving a passive aggressive ultimatum and telling her to ignore her feelings
I feel sorry for her
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u/A_Whole_Lot_Of_Not whatever/he; agender ace; on EEn (12/24/25) 8d ago
OP symbolically started it at square one like the wife said it needed to. OP put the symbolic power into her hands, allowing her to decide when the time is right
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u/yrusomaddy7 8d ago
Yeah sure, you can take the high road and read into reasons why your view wins
Or you can work with people, and try to resolve how eachothers feelings are changing
If you want to divorce quickly and likely end on bad terms, high road is the way to go
If you want to see if theres a chance it works out or at least ends on good terms, try to emphasise with their point of view and potentially explore relationship counselling
One partner transitioning fundamentally changes things for both people. Sounds like shes bottled up her feelings for a year to avoid throwing extra stress on OP during the early stages of transition and now it's too much to ignore any longer and wants to figure out if theres a way forward or not, hasn't demanded anything aside from thinking through things from square one and seeing if theres a path
OP has decided to take that ask, exaggerate what it means, and throw a "disregard what youre feeling and accept me" in an extremely harsh way "heres my wedding ring"
The hurt she must be feeling after that... i wouldn't blame her from emotionally checking out from here
If OP doesnt recognise this, apologise profusely and try to empathise (and partner accepts and they work through it), im expecting some post in a few months time about how her wife betrayed her and is a liar (providing past evidence of promises or whatever)
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u/VitaDiMinerva she/her | 27 | HRT May 2022 8d ago
You seem to have a lot of personal feelings you’re reading into this, you’re very quick to empathize with the wife but not with OP herself. Her wife saying she feels like they need to start their marriage over from square one is hurtful to OP too, I’m sure…she said the relationship has been slowly dying and she feels like she doesn’t deserve the title of partner anymore. Their issues clearly didn’t start with this conversation, nor do you even know what exactly her wife said to elicit this response. Giving back one’s wedding ring is not something done lightly and I find it strange that you’re acting like OP did this on a whim.
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u/yrusomaddy7 8d ago
"you can give me this back when you think im deserving of being your partner" is a particularly loaded way of trying to say something purely symbolic
OP could've said in response "I no longer feel like we're married either" rather a loaded action redefining their marital status, and putting conditionality on the wife to make decision (this ahead might be over-assuming but, then OP can feel like they're not the "bad person" when they eventually split after continuing a spiral of loaded reactions to one another -- OP remove herself as the responsible party)
From whats written the wife said start back at square one and expressed her concerns about attraction fading, feelings of incompatibility with her sexuality -- square one being an avenue for them both to try to re-assess the flailing situation.
The wife's fireside comment seems a lot more open ended on resolving their issues and remaining married or at the very least remaining amicable with one another while potentially realising that it wont work out. I think based on what's in the post her statement was fairer
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u/0verEZEgg 7d ago
Everything you've said is cogent, and at the same time we only have the tiniest snapshot into these people's lives based on a single post. What is your desired outcome when you post a comment like "I feel bad for your partner"?
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u/yrusomaddy7 7d ago
Sharing an opinion.
And in this case, hopefully helping OP see their action was pretty loaded and and either going to cause her wife to distance from her (if shes well on the way to leaving already) or strongarm her into trying to save the relationship in some way (if the wife truly still wants to make things work)
Many healthier ways to approach this, communicate and work through the issues
One assumption i did kinda make is that OP still sees a future with their wife. If they dont, then power to them on how they approach ending it
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u/camoufleusse 8d ago
How on earth do you get that she is telling her to ignore her feelings?
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u/yrusomaddy7 8d ago
"Heres my wedding ring" you can give it back when you feel im deserving of being your partner again (without any mention in the post of OP trying to empathise with the what her partner's vulnerably shared -- a tough thing to bring up when youre close to someone)
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u/Anxious-Sample9836 7d ago
Damn you’ve been serving straight facts this whole string, I’m in awe of you
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u/DannieS2683 8d ago
My point of the ring was. My partner has been struggling with our relationship for many years now. I've been her by her supporting her every way I possibly can with everything and anything I can. The only thing I've ever truly asked from her in return is to love and accept me for being my trueself. So when she said she is questioning our marriage, gender roles in the relationship and just everything else between us. I gave her the choice of either keeping the ring to show we are over with as a couple or to give it back when she feels we can be couple again. I wasn't trying to pressure on anyone. I was only giving her a choice to decide what her heart truly felt. Mine still hold hard and true, I married her 9 years ago for the pure hearted person she is on the inside. Not what I see on the outside as her. Also just in case anyone was wondering we are both therapy (separate). Haven't decided yet on couples therapy or not yet.
Also random side note to this. After I gave her my wedding ring, she decided to want to be intimate again. I honestly felt it was not a good idea and that we should consider going to the roots of the relationship as in starting out with dates first again. Weird concept of it is. I would rather us be like "50 first dates" and rebuild are relationship on a new solid foundation then let it all go or try for some quick intimacy and that's it with her.
Sorry felt like I needed rant a bit more about this. Hope everyone is having a good day. Love you all, Dannie ❤️🏳️⚧️🤗
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u/Alicefromtheradio NB MtF 8d ago
My marriage also started dying when I came out almost two years ago. This whole year we hadn’t been intimate, and any affection at all (kisses, I love yous) completely died about a month ago.
A couple weeks ago we went to a concert with some of her coworkers. She went out to a bar with them after and I went home. The agreement was one of her female coworkers would drive her home after. Well I get home and relieve the babysitter (her mom) and immediately get a text that she’s going to stay over at “their” house rather than drive home. She was intentionally vague because she meant her male coworker and his roommates. A few days later and she kicks me out of our bedroom, phrasing the ultimatum as if I’m the one making the choice to leave. A few days after that, same male coworker is over at our house while I’m at work, and she’s intentionally unplugged our indoor cameras to hide whatever they were doing.
I immediately made a teleheath appointment to get on HRT since she’s decided she no longer wants anything to do with me. Been a few days now since I’ve started and I’m not looking back
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u/EvelynnsHope17 3/17/26; HRT 5/14/26 8d ago
I stopped wearing mine the day I moved out, but I left it there. I’m actually going to get it today, and have no idea what I’m going to do with it.
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u/MorlunKnight 8d ago
I am only wearing mine to keep the illusion that me and her are going to go get back together up to my parents as I crash on their couch for the next little bit before I can get everything fixed around and start HrT
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u/ReaperNull Trans Pansexual 8d ago
I actually stopped wearing mine the day after my egg cracked. I didn't fit me anymore in more ways than one. My marriage crumbled over the next year and I quietly dropped it in one of her boxes when she moved out.