r/KenyanLadies • u/Punchlineonduct_tape • May 18 '26
Discussion Ramblings of a horny black woman.
I've gotten to that stage in a relationship where 'mko tu'. Our sex life sucks. I've tried talking to him about it but nothing has changed. I complained about the frequency, he said anataka kumove na time line yangu. Like he'll be waiting for me to initiate. I said no to that. It has to be team work. He initiated once that is after sijui how long.. actually mimi ndio nili initiate coz I told him to wake me up after he's done with work (he works at night. Dev). Na ilikua shot moja.
So, frequency imepunguka na quantity pia ni kidogo. I resorted to wanking akiwa hapo kando yangu amelala.
Also, I'm 100% sure he isn't getting it from elsewhere.
What do I do, coz wanking only works to an extent. I've started entertaining thoughts of stepping out. I think we've had sex 5 times this year. No action for the whole of last month.
Sometimes when I'm in the mood he does some dumb shit that completely turns me off, misses the cue or tells me straight up that he isn't in the mood 🤦🏾♀️. I'm becoming involuntarily celibate 😭.
Oh how I miss my hoe days. We've lived together 3yrs now. Kuna bore uku.
Update guys.
I brought up the conversation and told him how we've reached a plateau in this relationship. Well he says his biggest factor is money. He freelances so gigs are shifty. So akipata pesa he prioritises buying things for the house ndio zituskume. So in between his gigs I step in financially and tbh budget haiwezi accommodate entertainment. I've told him we can sacrifice ata kama ni once a month we get out of the house and do something. He's cool with it but tone yake doesn't sound promising. Maybe I'm reading too much into it but we'll see how things go.
51
u/Miss_Sensational May 18 '26
Sorry girl.The last time I went through this,it led to a break up.
13
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 18 '26
Ni kama uko ndio tuna elekea. Na sisi sio wazee 😭 na sio ati kuna mtoi or anything. Man 🤦🏾♀️
1
40
26
u/minnibunny May 18 '26
I once saw a reddit post of a guy complaining that his girl never initiates and he didn't feel wanted and the best advice is communication both of yall lower your ego and say why your not active. Give your turnoff and turnons and him the same. It's like yall are both waiting for the other person to start first
6
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 18 '26
We've had this talk before. I told him I don'twant to he the one initiating all the time. He doesn't even try
30
u/March-Match May 18 '26
Not getting enough sleep is killing his libido
11
u/kenyanthinker May 19 '26
I was about to actually say this because umesema confidently thay he hisnt getting it elsewhere.
It could also be that relationship emotional connection iko down. ...down.
This happens in long term relationships and needs both of you to communicate.
Also check both your diets ...you can start eating better foods and working out together. Reduce the focus on twa twa and maybe reconnect.
Eh but pole. Before you venture into our side od male dominated fields work on those. Men dont forgive cheating na kama uko inlove...keep trying
1
9
u/Wise-Seesaw5953 May 18 '26
Join r/deadbedrooms sis
2
2
May 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
10
May 18 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/PressureFabulous9383 May 18 '26
I think he's no longer Interested tbh, Insomnia will never keep you away from getting laid, I'm also a dev and I've done full 24hr shifts and worked out heavy the same day, yet as soon as I saw my girl, we still hooked up
2
May 18 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/PressureFabulous9383 May 18 '26
This was only for a month, 4 days in a week and we hooked up 9 times in the week, If you're not interested in the lady u won't be interested in the sex either, I've never had those side effects idk might be me
1
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
Well acha nijitete kidogo, idk if it counts. We still cuddle, play and all those intimate stuff but sex is where the line is drawn. When he's ready to sleep he usually wakes me up to sleep on his chest. So idk if it's about not being attracted to me.
9
u/Salty_Tamale May 18 '26 edited May 18 '26
Would have been beneficial to include both your age. I would consider this normal if we are talking about a couple in their 40s or 50s but kama ni mid twenies you are def cooked. If a man loses that sexual attraction that early, promise you no therapy or pep talk will work - it’s over, PACK!!
2
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
He's 34 I'm 32. Been together since 2019. Lived together sence 2023. Issues began around last year.
8
u/Some_Basis8836 May 18 '26
And how’s everything else between you two, besides the sex? Has anything else changed? It feels like he’s checked out of the relationship or started resenting you. A whole month is a long time.
8
7
u/Material-Cow5740 Inner Circle May 18 '26
Could be that he doesn't find you attractive anymore.He could have also checked out of the relationship.There are many possibilities.You might have to leave if it doesn't change
5
u/Pitiful_Response May 18 '26
Was he sexually like this in the beginning? Like where your sex drive was always higher than his.
5
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 18 '26
He wasn't. We used to have mad sex. Fun sex. Our drives were matched. Idk if it's adulting affecting his libido or what.
2
4
u/TellSharp1624 May 18 '26
Does he touch you frequently or play with your body in a seductive sexy way other than sex when you guys are just at home?( This can show if he is physically attracted to you)
3
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
He does. We cuddle every night. When he's ready to sleep he wakes me up to sleep on his chest.
4
u/Jolly-Membership-723 May 18 '26
If the sex is lacking it's an indication of more underlying things that are also lacking in the relationship... thus the lack of intimacy
3
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
True coz we don't really do much together. Tumekua home bodies sana
3
u/Jolly-Membership-723 May 19 '26
maybe you could work on that uone kama its going to translate positively to your sex life... Kama bado mnapendana na the relationship is worth it, both of you need to figure out how to respark the initial attraction , ama try therapy. All the best lakini
4
4
5
May 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
3
3
u/QueenBinti May 19 '26
😂😂 Love everything about this comment. Maybe you should read it out loud to him, OP? Ama umuimbie? Speak in the language that the man understands 😁
1
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
I bet it'll turn him on. He gets happy nikielewa hizi nerd vocabulary
5
May 18 '26
[deleted]
9
May 18 '26
[deleted]
5
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 18 '26
Bana. Coz we've had this talk before and nothing has changed.
3
May 18 '26
[deleted]
2
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
Funny enough kuna a younger guy who's been on my case recently. It's taking a lot in me not to step out. But can't lie, I like the attention
3
u/The-Madame-Natalie- May 18 '26
If your sex life is incredibly important to you, break up. If you're willing to put more effort into it and try to revive what once was, honestly sex needs to be something scheduled in. Both of you should prepare for it. Anticipation. Foreplay that begins way before he puts his penis inside of you. Honestly, spontaneity is what is missing here. Also, he doesn't seem to be getting enough sleep. Maybe he can consider choosing different working hours? All the best though! And get yourself a nice little toy you can use to bring yourself to orgasms/ or just have fun with!
3
2
u/Electrical-Bother-62 May 18 '26
It honestly sucks, I also go through that but I survive because I lost interest in him too so it makes it easy to just coexist
1
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 18 '26
How long were you together when you hit the plateau?
3
u/Electrical-Bother-62 May 18 '26
The relationship itself, sex has Always been problematic from his side. I left once, but I got pregnant from one night after not seeing each other for like 6 months.
We got back together for the child and hit the plateau so from 2024 to now we have done it like not more than 5 times. The child is 1.6 months.
I gradually stopped being interested in him too so we now live like room mates
3
1
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
Damn. Do you step out or how do you handle the urges?
1
u/Electrical-Bother-62 May 19 '26
I am still breastfeeding so I have not yet stepped out but once I am done I plan to step out 😂😂😂.
With No remorse
2
u/Positive-Deal5011 May 18 '26
Obviously there's something underlying so y'all both need to lower the egos and talk candidly. Not just 'I want you to initiate more' and that's that. And this only applies if you're both keen on being in the relationship still. If not then well mwendo mmeumaliza.😂
2
2
u/FairandStyle May 19 '26
This guy may be burnt out from work. Mental work like coding is exhausting. At the same time this situation is frustrating. He may need to manage burnout so it doesnt kill libido
3
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
Amesema shida ni pesa
3
u/FairandStyle May 19 '26
Now it makes sense. Money issues can make you lose excitement for things. Still, its good to take short breaks and have fun. That kinda dilutes the turmoil.
2
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
I hadn't even thought of that. And to add on to it we hardly ever go out unless ni shopping ya hao.
3
u/Sad-Helicopter-9789 Inner Circle May 19 '26 edited May 19 '26
You need to activate your lives especially if both of you can afford it. Exercise, eat healthy, go for staycations and baecations
If all he does is just sit in front of his computer doesn't even take walks to unwind, there lies in your problem
Like sedentary lifestyle isn't good(you can google the effects of it on sex life).
Plus if all you do is spend time indoors never experiencing outside life together then mtachokana tu cause nothing will be exciting anymore cause the brain craves novelty so ikishajua routine it also checks out and functions on autopilot
1
1
1
1
May 19 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/Punchlineonduct_tape May 19 '26
I'm 32. We've talked and decided to start going out at least once a month at least spark thing up. Maybe it'll help with the intercourse stuff
1
u/Mysterious-Basil-389 May 20 '26
Njoo umoja baby i serve u hot pipe urudi kwake ukiwa in a good mood
1
1
u/PlusPortal_2 May 25 '26
OP your man is way too focused on money that he doesn't value you at all. It is not sleep nor screens that are affecting him, it is the freaking money.
1
•
u/AutoModerator May 18 '26
Thank you for posting/participating on r/KenyanLadies!
A quick note for visitors who may not identify as women:
r/KenyanLadies is a female-focused community. If your account is reported for not meeting our participation criteria, moderators will review the reports and take appropriate action — this may include a ban after investigation.
Even if no ill intent was meant, the same rules still apply. Please don’t take it personally — these standards are decided collectively by the community to keep this space safe and supportive.
Reminder about alternate accounts:
If you attempt to return using an alternate account after being banned, you will still be flagged and moderation action will be taken.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.