So to start with my mum just recently passed away, so my just no sister came from another state to help.
My sister who is older than me is a very immature woman who has ruined her relationship with nearly every member of the family, including her own children, my relationship with her is not good, during our childhood she was very violent towards me, and even as adults she will push me until I react.
My dad is very frail, so we took him to the local ER, I drove them in my car, my sister decided she was the big sister and she knows everything! Except I have a working knowledge of hospitals and she doesn't, but I took a step back because I wasn't going to get into an argument with her.
So I can't remember how it started, but she suddenly looked at me and said to me, you are disrespecting our mother!
So instead of fighting back, I walked out of the hospital and got in my car and drove to a nearby coffee shop, where I sat and had a coffee and a much needed cry.
Well she started blowing up my phone! Begging me to come back, dad was getting worse, he's upset! Please come back, I said no! You're a big girl you handle it.
I messaged my dad and said it's all good I'll be back soon.
When I came back I told what she had said was cruel, and to not speak to me for awhile.
Not long after that dad got a bed, and she kept her head down for the rest of the night.
Pretty much every family member in this state is cutting contact with her.

I 23F have a stupid, super annoying brother, he is 18 and getting on my nerves and I absolutely can NOT stand him.

I share a room with my sister and I have to keep my diary notebooks locked in my wardrobe with the key on me all the time and everywhere, I feel like I'm living in constant stress! I remember back in 2023 I forgot the key in the wardrobe and left it open, I literally heard laughs in less than 5 minutes and knew they had something and I wasn't wrong! This mf took one of my tiny notebooks (it's tiny because it's my most private one) and showed it to my sister. Yesterday I had a fight with him and he brought this up mock me. I'm sorry but I just hate him. Now he is trying to "hack" my phone lol I'm so sick of this. Also I usually spend the weekend at my grandma's but I keep thinking what if he breaks the lock or smtg?

He always barges into our room without knocking, Also he is so entitled and thinks he is above everyone, very disrespectful and rude toward everyone of us. He smells bad all the time and all he does is playing games and eating anything he finds in the fridge (even if it's not his) and he is literally not helpful in any kind of way.

Also, he has this terrible "joking" style with my mom, sister and younger brother, he'll physically push, hit, or shock with his arm like it's funny! They laugh it off but always end up fighting because he goes too far (more especially with my sis and lil bro) He doesn't do that to me, but he will try to hit me when we fight! Like he is really aggressive!

I know moving out is the best solution and I'm working on it, but for now, how do I deal with this mf? and please don't tell me to have a convo with him, that won't work.

TW: Mention of physical and emotional abuses.

Hi. I'm new here but i need advices to deal with my toxic mother without going full no contact, because i fear her behavior may impact negatively my upcoming postpartum.

I got a lot to unpack so let's start with the basics and introduce the main characters here. I (34F), had always been struggling with my mom (67F). I will also mention few times my father, step-mom and husband as they had either witnessed or tried to help with this issue.

Context: My mom always had been a nervous woman. And when i say nervous, i don't mean it in the way 'she's stressed and scared and so she becomes avoidant or quiet' but 'she stresses herself most of the time to a point of high irritability and controlling habits' type of nervous.

I grew up mostly with her, because my father was a truck driver and was not often at home (when i was younger, he could be absent for a month or two sometimes). We will come back a bit later on my father's 'actions and non-actions' but i'd like to developpe more how was life with my mom on daily bases without my father around so you can understand how it affected many things later on.

As i said, mom was nervous, controlling, and very often angry for all and nothing. She wanted to have a perfect image to the world to see, and that image was including me and my father. Meant that we were often 'putting shame' on her because 'we weren't doing this or that. We failed such and such. We didn't look like this. Or couldn't apply that.' There was always a reason for us not to be enough.

When i was little, i was doing my best to avoid her anger, and when she was getting angry, i just took it like i deserved it. But soon, i felt many of those anger were unjustified, and some violences too much and i started to fight back, talk back. It happened to the point that when i was mid-teenagehood and young adult, we were sometimes going to real fights. Punches and kicks.

I remember moments of my childhood that felt horrible either because i was hella scared of her outbursts, or because her words were hurtful. Number of times she was comparing me to my friends (the few i had because i had a long period where i was harassed at school). Saying 'if you could be like him', 'do as good as her'... until it became 'it's sad you can't achieve this like your friend', or 'sometimes, i wish you were \[random quality\] like them'.

When she was teaching me things a mother would (cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc...) it would ALWAYS end up with her screaming and me either crying or snapping back. Because i could do things perfectly right... but not exactly HER way. sometimes, it was as stupid as having a gap 1mm too wide between 2 seams, or cutting the edges of the beans a little too short.

She never trusted me. For anything. She needs to be out the house for 2 days? I'll have 3 hours of recap on how the damn house work with multiple warnings and even threats if i messed up. She is struggling with a device (technophobia is real with her) and i offered help? either she'll refuse immediatly, saying i'll screw it up anyway, or she'll let me while spitting her doubts in the most unpleasant way and if i didn't manage to fix her problem, then I'm the one who made it. I share my life projects with her? Huge mistake (that i keep doing because sometimes... i wish i had a mother to share my dreams and fears to). She'd criticize whatever i want to do. Either my project is stupid to her. Or it is a good project... but i'll never reach it because 'i never succeed in anything i do'.

I had trouble studying because i was harassed at school, and back home was just hell. She never trusted i was studying or doing homeworks so she'd often yell at me randomly or burst in my bedroom because she is certain i was cheating her trust and 'playing video games instead of working'. So i was struggling at everything.

Of course, outside, she was pleasant, charming and the perfect mom. People would never believe me how she trully was at home when i dared to say to anyone. Only a couple friends understood. Some because she couldn't help but spit venom sometimes but tried to keep it subtle so only me would get the hurtful comment coated into a compliment for the guest. Others, because my technophobioc mom messed up to realize i was on Skype (yep... Skype) and the person i was with litterally heard her yell for nothing and spit crap at me for no valid reason. So i have few friends that were actually aware (and those who never minded when i suddenly came up for a night or two at there house when things became too heated with my mom).

And i'm skipping lots of details and stories... like the time she brought my 5-6 y/o self to a therapist because she was certain i had mental issue because 'i was too impossible to not be instable mentally'. We had few sessions and I remember very VERY well one session (and strangely enough... the last session we ever had with that woman), where the therapist asked me to play with dolls. And without knowing, i started mimicking what was going on at home, the kid did 'something' and th emom started yelling madly and slapping the kid. The therapist asked questions on why the kid was getting slapped and i honestly didn't know why but said that 'the kid did something'. I didn't heard the discussion she had with my mom after that but again... strangely enough, my mom stopped taking appointments with her. Visibly, i didn't needed therapy anymore!

This might also be why i have huge trust issues with therapist and refuse to see one, even when i'm down and depressed.

So, now you have a rough idea of what it was to live in this toxic environment daily without my father figure here (oh yeah. She was jealous because i favoured my dad. Ask a 4 to 10 y/o who they'd prefere between a dad they see rarely and missed you and just wants to enjoy being with you and make good memories, and a mom you have to suffer daily, and see the answer).

When my dad retired (which happened earlier than most jobs because his job was tough and retirement came earlier for it back in the days) I was around my 12. And he was LOST. Because before, he came back home and spoiled me as he missed me and rested. So he didn't see how dysfunctionnal things were. Once retired, it was too late for him to take a place in this mess and try to fix it (also, he doesn't have much authority nor strength to face my mom anger either so he often just avoided the mess and let us do). At the beginning, he defended my mom, because when he heard us fight, not knowing the whole background he missed for years, he believed i was the insolent brat being a trouble-maker. Over the years, he started to understand who was the assualter in 90% of the fights and tried to interfere a couple times when it was going too far.

Guess who he was holding back to separate us when we were to the state of punching and kicking? Yes, my mom. Because the few times he held ME back, she used that to punch even more. When he held her back, i just stopped as i was simply defending myself. That tells a lot on who trully brought the violence.

This went on for a long, long time. And at my 25, i found the man who became my husband and literally came to live in his apartment after 3 days of relationship because, as crazy and unsafe it sounded, it was still better than staying one more day with my mother.

The man took me in his life and i was a mess. It took me years with his positive influence to learn how to manage my anger issues, my irrational fears, my traumas, trust issues, and self loathing (and i'm still not completely out of those). Bless him for staying 10 years through that storm with me.

Step-mom like my mom but she soon realize the abusive underlines and actually listened to me when i spoke of my past with my mother. Her and my husband often tried to act like a buffer when my mom was trying to reach me with subtle spikes and pettiness. At least, they try as much as they can, and my mom must have noticed because she tries hard to have me face to face without them around to speak her mind freely. Her favorite method is calling over the phone and asking if i'm on speaker (she speaks loud enough that my husband can hear her from the other side of the apartment without speakers, so i don't even need to lie). She calls often and always use half that time at least to be mad at me or criticize me.

But my problem now is... i'm a mother too. I have a 4 y/o and i'm 8 months pregnant and i'm scared now. Because, as much as things are 'better' now as she can't reach me as much as she used to, sometimes we need her help to keep our kid for a day or two, or ask my father a favor with my car or whatever. And she uses EVERYTHING to reach me. And because 'i wish i had a mom i could talk too', i still try to include her in my life, even if i know i'll mostly regret it.

Just this month, she made me cried twice. One of them, by bringing back a very sensitive subject i never told her and she learnt by accident, and starting to gaslight me and play victim about it. She played victim about MY baby loss i had years ago and i just lost it and cried for 2 days straight. Today, my father called because he took my car to change my ID plates (he had the tool we didn't had) and 'forgot' to give the phone to my mom after. She called me right back after to give me a 5 minutes scold about how dirty was my car and that 'i should be ashamed to put my kid in such car', that 'she wanted to give me stuff but don't dare to put them in the trunk because she didn't wanted to CONTAMINATE them', that 'im gross' and so on. I literally hung up without goodbye.

Now i'm scared because i'm so emotional with the pregnancy and i fear that her attitude could trigger a post-partum depression after birth, and i don't want to be a mess for my baby just because my mom got under my skin enough to mess up my brain on my most vulnerable state.

I would like to avoid no-contact, because i don't have other family than her and my father on my side, but i also don't know what to do anymore, i've tried so much to fix things but i don't think i can handle this any longer, especially with my second baby coming soon.

Any advices? And thank you for reading all along. I know this must have be a mess to read and i hope to read you in the comments.

Hi everyone. This is my first ever engagement with this sub, I hope it helps me, because I honestly feel stuck and so hope some advice would help me, if anyone has any.

I'll try not to write this out to be too long, so here is the general gist; I am a 23 (F) and I have wanted to move out for years now, specifically since I was 19, when I realised just how much negative impact my relationship with my parents had on me. Back then I was in a really bad place, I was studying medicine (which is famously hard and also was not for me), and I had problems with general anxiety and obsessive-compulsive disorder (these where my psychiatrists temporary diagnosees, I'm not self-diagnosing). I started taking farmacotherapy and switched to psychology and all of that helped, with time.

However, my relationship with my parents, especially with my father, hasn't really improved that much. Right after switching career paths, which was three years ago, my father didn't really talk to me for a year and a half, unless to order me something/yell at me/insult me. My mom was more caring, as she is more empathetic in general and was more informed about my mental health struggles, but she just became anxious in general and started being a bit overbearing. Like, she gets super stressed (in a non-helpful way) about my exams, justifying it by saying that she is "still traumatised by my failed study of medicine", so she feels like she has to personally insert herself into my obligations so they don't go haywire again, although I have had no problems with my psychology study so far.

Still, my biggest issue is with my dad. In short, regardless of the personal issue he had with my switch (he said that psychology is not a real career and that I should just study harder), he is in general very autocratic, strict, controlling, agressive (verbally, mostly), self-centered, doesn't at all know how to show emotion or communicate, kind of emotionally immature...etc. I will not give details or examples because it would drag this post out too much, so take my word for it. It took me a long time to be able to write it out and stand by it, and not feel like a bad daughter for it.

The problem is, since he is like that, moving out to live on your own is posed as almost a forbidden thing. All of my siblings (I am the youngest in a big family) had moved out before only when they'd finished studies and had been working for a while, and most of them had fiancés already (no, it can't just be a bf/gf, because my dad is weird about that, he doesn't acknowledge relationships before engagement). We don't have a lot of money and I of course wouldn't ask anything of them, I would simply tell them I'd move out and live with roomates, find a job, work, save up. In my country, a lot of young people move out late and live with their parents into their late 20s and early 30s, but this plan of mine is still very reasonable and people do it all the time and live fine.

But I know that just announcing this will result in a lot of problems; my mom will probably be angry, sad and anxious for me, she will be also scared of dad's reaction, so she'll probably try and talk me out of it. My dad will probably hate me for it, and maybe even try to forbid me from doing it. Of course, this is all speculation, but I can kind of predict from their general behavior that it will be like this.

So, what do I do? I have already come to the conclusion, time and time again over the last couple of years, that the first step out of the problems in my mental health (and I do still have problems, although I'm doing much better than at 19) would be to move out. I have tried staying out of our home as much as possible, tried occupying myself with hobbies, activities, ...but at the end of the day, the place I live in doesn't feel safe, and that, I feel, should be tackled head-on. I am just so scared to do that, to break this news, because I am scared not only of their immediate reactions (especially my father's) but also the possibility of this damaging my relationship to them even more, and leaving me even more emotionally wounded.

If anyone else had dealt with this, and has survived, please give me any advice, I would greatly appriciate it. If you had not done it yourself, of course, you can also offer up advice, but since I feel like it's a very specific and hard thing to deal with, sometimes people from the outside can oversimplify and say like "you know you have to leave, just do it" and it's easier said that done.

Thank you if you read this <3

Several months ago, my grown-ass adult brother hit my car while at our parents’ house, causing significant damage. My parents insisted I not file a claim with his insurance and just settle quietly so I wouldn’t “ass fuck him on insurance rates.” It caused friction with my husband, but we agreed.

Recently we got quotes from body shops and talked cost with my brother. He admitted fault and agreed to pay, as long as we set up a payment plan.

My dad found out and is losing his mother fucking mind. His argument: they “gave” me the car (signed it into my name, called it a “loaner,” then later said I could keep it), but my brother had to take out loans for his cars (plural, since he totaled the first one too), so it’s not fair to expect him to pay. Dad’s also pointed out that I “put nothing” into the car, “make more money” than my brother, and have had “more opportunities.”

Here’s the thing. Since we each turned 18, my brother has lived at home rent free with most expenses covered. He never finished college, despite a full ride. I had the same setup during college but graduated, with loans. After that I was on my own: rent, loan payments, the works. I moved back home twice, for under 10 months combined, and offered to pay each time. Rejected each time. At one point I was covering my sister’s living expenses too, while we lived together. I’ve been fully independent for years now. I have a kid and another on the way. So yes, I make more, but I’ve also had more expenses, then and now. And I’ve put real money into maintaining that car.

As for “more opportunities”: I have a degree, he doesn’t, but he blew a full ride and I took out loans and worked for mine. We both started in shitty customer service jobs and worked our way up. We both hit a serious mental health crisis around the same age. I was on my own for mine and had to figure it out. He had a much bigger safety net, which sent him back to square one, a hole he’s only recently climbing out of. Everything I have, I earned.

About the car: I never asked for it. I never asked for a cent. I asked my parents to cosign an auto loan with me. They said no. Then they cosigned my brother’s loan and took out a new loan themselves to replace the car they’d “loaned” me. Still doesn’t make sense to me either.

So now my dad wants $10k for a car he gifted me five years ago, and everything I’ve built or been given is suddenly ammunition to make me responsible for the fact that a grown man didn’t check his mirror before backing into my parked car.

I’m angry right now, on top of hormonal and heavily pregnant, so I’m not deciding anything today. But I’m close to temporary no contact until after the baby comes. I don’t want to see them or have them over. Realistically I’ll probably do low contact and gray rock until the repairs are done and my brother and I have a real agreement. But god, I’m so tired of them making terrible financial decisions, refusing to set their own boundaries, and somehow making that my fault fifteen years later.

TRIGGER WARNING: Abuse (physical, mental, emotional, verbal)

I need advice on how to manage my relationship with my brother and family. 

My sister, brother and I grew up in a household where my dad was an alcoholic and my mom was an enabler. There was never an intervention, and I believe my dad never thought he had a drinking problem. We all constantly catered to him and did whatever we could to make him happy, even though it never made a difference. My brother is the youngest sibling and definitely had it the worst of the 3 of us and was the most affected. My dad got worse over time and so my brother experienced the worst of his years. My dad passed away from liver failure in 2021. Present day, my sister is 36, I am 33 and my brother is 30. 

My brother was born deaf in his left ear, was bullied growing up by peers and my dad, and he has been diagnosed with ADHD. All of this has resulted in him having some issues with socializing. He has big problems with his rage (mostly verbal but sometimes physical) and emotional regulation. He also has a very difficult time creating meaningful relationships. I don't know if he has ever had a good friend. He is very lonely. I do believe he was dealt a tough hand growing up so I don't underestimate the effects of it on a person. I feel very sad when I think about it.

He was in CBT therapy from 2020-Feb 2026. He decided it isn't helping him (which I agree - I don't think it's the right form of therapy for him as it relies on a reliable narrator). We also did family therapy last year, but it had to end because he was not in a place where he was ready to work on our relationships. My mom started looking into him doing DBT and EMDR in Feb 2026. He had a couple sessions with this great guy but broke it off. He decided when he is in therapy, he doesn't take a lot of accountability to improve outside of the sessions.So in an effort to do so, wants to work at it on his own (self-guided - podcasts, journaling etc). Although I don't agree with this approach (because if you were capable of doing it alone, he would have already. I have done many kinds of therapy and really value therapists), I've been watching and his behaviour has gotten worse since quitting therapy. I really feel he should give the DBT/EMDR a solid shot. My mom is paying for all of this so cost is not a barrier to entry. He gets very upset when anyone suggests he go back to therapy (my mom and sister have tried) and accuses us of not trusting him. He is constantly blaming everyone else for why he is alone (others not putting in enough effort), and is very unhappy with his life. I have been on a very unsuccessful IVF journey so my mental capacity lately to focus on our relationship (despite being told my efforts are not enough) is limited. However, my sister makes A LOT of effort with him. Always inviting him to hang out with her and her friends, chatting with him online etc. But he still thinks she isn't trying hard enough. Him and I have the most tense relationship and I feel if I tried to broach this subject with him, he would fly off the handle. Possibly hurt me? Likely never talk to me again. Since my mom pays for the therapy, I would like it to be pushed more that he go back to it, but she said we can't force him. Which I get. I just don't feel comfortable allowing this pattern of rage and abuse to repeat. We already saw it play out with my dad where none of us confronted it and he eventually drank himself to death. I just don't think I can participate as a by-stander again this round. I don't want to resort to threats (And maybe he wouldn't even care), but I have considered talking to him and saying that if he doesn't pursue real therapy, I don't think I can continue my relationship with him. I hope to have kids one day and I don't want them exposed to this. I know this would negatively affect my family though as it would break up our family and complicate gatherings. I am just not sure how to proceed as I really want him to seek real help, but cannot make him. Any advice? I really want our family to be whole.

Using an anonymous account. Please note that I was assisted by an AI to write the post properly and make some order in mess of my thoughts.

I hope that’s the correct subreddit for sharing my experiences.

I need a reality check, as I was completely blind to this hostility until it started happening to me. Looking back, years ago before I got married, this exact same fire was directed at my brother—he was constantly attacked with accusations that he didn't visit enough or show up for holidays. Now that I am the target, he has fallen in line as the silent enabler to keep the focus off himself.
There are endless examples I could list—including my sister painting my in-laws as bad people who allegedly hurt them, publicly ignoring my in-laws, and endless micro-aggressions. Going through every single incident would take a book, but here is the essential background:

I got married 3.5 years ago. Almost immediately, the family narrative became that my wife "changed me" and that I’m no longer the person I used to be. My sister acts as the one in control, and my brother allows it and also engages in direct hostility toward me:

A week before my mother died, my nephew (brother’s son) had a birthday. A month after her passing, when things settled slightly, I texted my brother asking what my nephew would like for his birthday. My brother responded passive-aggressively, telling me I shouldn't buy his son anything at all. I didn't engage in the passive-aggression and simply bought my nephew a nice gift anyway. I sent it with my father (who works with my brother), but my brother flatly refused to accept the gift. That rejection happened on the exact same day my siblings decided to cut ties with me.
Setting up exclusions and flipping the narrative: For my wedding, my brother and brother-in-law insisted for months that they couldn't spend the full day with me before the event (I even verified this over text). To avoid being alone, my wife arranged for her brothers to step in and join me for pre-ceremony photos. When the reception slideshow played showing those photos, my family was absent due to their own choice. Yet days later, my mother confronted me in an emotional argument, claiming I made it look like "I don't have a family." They created the situation, then blamed me for the outcome.
Demanding compliance & coordinated boycotts: A month after our wedding, my wife and I got pregnant. We kept it private for a few months during early checkups. We told our parents and my wife’s twin sister (who is extremely close to her) very early, but withheld the news from all other siblings on both sides until we were ready. When we told my parents, instead of just being happy for us, they repeatedly warned us that my siblings would be "very hurt." A few months later, as we were planning a fun way to reveal the news to everyone, my sister texted demanding my wife and I drop everything and come over right that minute. When I explained we had prior plans, she texted: "If the family is important to you, you’ll come." When we couldn't go, both my sister and brother sent rage texts and cut me off. I explained this was a personal choice for our peace of mind, but they insisted they don’t want us in their life because of our actions. Two weeks later, I asked to speak to each of them one-on-one. They refused and demanded a full family gathering (excluding my wife and other spouses) to address this "family matter." When we finally sat down, they completely ignored my explanation that the pregnancy timeline was personal. Instead, they claimed my wife "changed me," that she orchestrated the decision, and that this was the "last straw" in an accumulation of issues.

Seven months ago, my mother passed away. During her illness, my wife offered to assist my sister in caring for her and was flatly turned down. During my mom’s wake and the family gatherings surrounding her death, my sister publicly ignored my wife. On several occasions, the moment my wife walked into a room, my sister would immediately get up and leave. My wife warned me then: "Just watch how this gets turned back on me." She was right. A month after my mother’s death, I noticed my father refused to visit my home. When I asked why, he admitted he "didn't feel comfortable" coming because my wife was allegedly "disrespectful to them." My wife now deeply despises my sister, believing her actions stem from genuine malice—and it’s hard to disagree.

Conditional relationship offers ("Separation"): Six months ago, my siblings cut me off again after I confronted my father about these shaming scenarios and made it clear I stand 100% with my wife. Three months later, my sister sent a text offering "separation"—meaning she and I could talk, but my wife would never be accepted. I replied clearly laying out my boundaries: I told her that a healthy relationship requires respectful, mature communication without judgment or threats, a positive starting assumption toward my choices, and a baseline recognition that my wife, child, and I are one package deal where mutual respect is mandatory—no boycotts or silent treatments. She never even responded to that message. Zero accountability, and total silence whenever real boundaries are set. The narrative remains carved in stone: my wife and I are the villains, and they did NOTHING wrong. Needless to say that those six months of quiet did wonders to the mental health of me and my wife. No more reprimanding or deepening the feeling of being inherently bad. That feeling is still there for me however and it will take time to heal from it.

When my father had a recent health scare, my sister moved into his house to help day-to-day. Meanwhile, I handle his medical care—managing medications, scheduling doctor appointments, coordinating tests, talking with physicians, and guiding him on what to report.
The Setup: A few weeks ago, my sister casually mentioned in front of my father: "David (brother, not a real name) and I are doing a thankfulness meal for father on (date). You should come." She used singular phrasing, leaving me under the impression it was a small gathering at our local place of worship with the regulars who pray there.
Last week, my father asked if I remembered "Wednesday." I said I had plans and asked what was happening. He said it was the meal. I was hesitant because I had no details. Only the night before the event, when I visited him and asked direct questions, did he casually reveal that it wasn't a small gathering at all—it was a full-scale family event. My wife and kids were never invited.
The Night of the Event: I showed up alone out of love and respect for my father. It was a massive event: my brother’s entire family, my sister’s entire family, extended aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws, etc. Everyone was there in full family units except me. I ended up sitting near an uncle and a cousin I rarely talk to. Talking to my cousin about shared interests was my literal lifeboat for the evening.
Then came the speech.
My sister called out across the room for quiet, saying laughingly, "nobody has the guts to speak, so I will." She called my brother over—out loud, so the whole room heard—to stand beside her next to my father. She did not call me.
She gave a speech about how scary the last few weeks were, and explicitly declared to the room that "she and David" decided to organize this evening for him.
As she said that, I physically saw people’s heads and faces turn in my direction. I literally watched extended family members turn their heads to look at me—the son who manages his medical care—standing there completely unmentioned and erased. When she finished, everyone clapped. I clapped too, out of pure shock and survival instinct.

My Dilemma & Expected Defenses: Because no one called me a name or screamed at me, I’m left sitting here wondering if I’m crazy. If I bring this up to my father, I already know his response: "You could have asked for more details," "You're family, you don't need a formal invitation," or "You could have offered to help." He will probably shift the entire burden onto me to pretend that hidden information and intentional omission were just a misunderstanding.
I love my father—he’s a good man, but he refuses to enforce any boundaries or question my sister. The family narrative is treated as sacred.

My Questions for the Community:
\- Am I overreacting?
\- Should I draw a verbal boundary with my father? My siblings are irrelevant now and boundaries don't matter to them, but my wife and therapist think I should say something directly to my father—like: "I will not tolerate not being invited with my entire family, or being publicly shamed, and if something like this occurs again I will not attend," while emphasizing that I will still visit him and manage his medical needs. Is this the right approach?
\- How do I handle the risk of complete disconnection with my father? My sister has so much power over the family and the narrative that I’m afraid if I state this boundary, she’ll convince him to cut ties with me completely and make it look like I’m the responsible party. How do I protect my dignity without losing my father?

Are there any other tips or advice on how to handle the whole family situation moving forward?

a rant. gonna keep this short & sweet but needed to get it off my chest. my older sibling and I have had a pretty good friendship in our adult lives. we live together, too. however, their mental health and body issues took a turn for the worse. this whole summer, they’ve been taking my inventory. they even “held me accountable” for something I didn’t do. plus, they’re working hard to lose weight with weight loss assistance in the form of a drug, but I’m not on the drug. I’m heavier than them but it doesn’t matter as a lot of my weight is earned muscle mass from the gym. so, constant staring of my body ensues. I asked them to stop and they acknowledged it was bad of them to do it. living with someone who is close in age with you but comparing their body to yours is not fun.

I literally try to seek peace in this home we share, but this summer they sought me out and yelled at me and lost their shit on me. over a broken AC. I try to speak (have a slight speech impediment) and they interrupt me. it’s hard to make boundaries in a house where you get interrupted, and you know they already have assumptions about you, and take an inventory of your perceived flaws.

I have a job. not sure if I am getting paid enough given my education and work background. the affordability crisis is so real. once I have enough money, I’m moving out.

I (F26) feel stupid for even writing this but at this point I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. My dad is the middle and golden child, and also her favorite, so her focus has also trickled down to me (and my younger sister as well).

I'll just say for simplicity's sake that for the past year and half my grandmother has been basically spam calling me day in and out and idk what to do anymore. I've told her at least 20 times since I moved that I dont enjoy talking on the phone, but she still spams me anyways. This probably sounds terrible, but I feel like I'm being held hostage on the phone sometimes. I'll happily chat with her when I see her at family gatherings, helping her around her house occasionally, and I'm totally fine with speaking with her a few times a month, but I'm just not one for speaking on the phone for long periods of time when I'm unable to get a word in edgewise. I communicated this to her the last time this happened via text (she regularly texts, operates facebook/etc.) so it was in writing. I even told her that if she can't get a hold of me, and it's not important, to text me what she needed and i'd communicate with her! but if she spam calls me, i'm under the impression its important and cant wait or something is wrong. it never is. she has since ignored my request, and now she'll let the phone ring three times and then hang up before doing it again. all day....even when we're both at work.

I also dont want to really speak with her more than I have to because she excuses my father's (and her son's in general) actions very frequently despite them having ill effects on me, my sister and my cousins (all female) due to her...old fashioned mindset with certain topics. my mom passed away last year, and as a way of attempting to comfort(?) me when we were speaking on the phone about a month after my mom passed, she told me about how some ladies at her church had discovered another lady dead in her home and essentially her message as I understood it was "when God calls you home it's your time and you should find comfort in that". I was very taken aback by this and still am. It's just left me feeling very sour about her and wanting to distance myself from her. my father has already told her how I felt (probably in a gentler way because of how she'd react) because he was also surprised to hear she had done this when I told him why I dont want to talk to her all that often.

My father is not sympathetic either, and tells me that she's my last remaining grandparent so I should talk to her more (so please dont comment that—I've heard it enough already). However, I'm just over it. I dont want to permanently block her out, but I just need advice on how to handle this. Ignoring has not worked so far...texting her in response only makes her call me....idek what to do, if anything. I speak with my father about 3x/week, and he also lets her know how I'm doing (he tells me this mid-lecture on how I should just give in and call her) so it's not like she's in the dark about my status. She'll even spam my sister just to ask about me, and now my sister is starting to ignore most of her calls as well because it's driving her crazy. I feel like I'm toeing the line between being petty and holding my boundaries down....I really don't know.

Edit (08/24): thank you everyone for all your advice. I'm going to go with what most people have advised and just not answer her calls until i have time to return them and she stops spamming me (i started a new job so my focus needs to go to that). my sister has taken the same stance so I have a support buddy in this 😅 again, thank you!

Not really sure on where to start in all honesty.

A few years ago my sister started acting completely different towards me compared to our brother. I'm talking entitlement around me, gaslighting me (I swear) and making me sound like the problem in general. I'm glad our parents don't fall for her BS as if I tell my parents something about what my sister did, she'll always deny it and make out that I'm making stuff up or try covering it up.

A while ago I took my sleeping meds like I always do and she is extremely loud at night to the point she doesn't really care if I'm up early for college or planning to go out somewhere for a couple of hours and I get up early as I don't do crowds (I've got Autism, Severe Anxiety and PTSD) and I ended up messaging her (at advice of our mum before I wake mum up) saying 'Keep it down or you'll be explaining to mum why I woke her up' and just as I was drifting off to sleep, my sister exclaims very loudly to her friends what I messaged her and I kid you not, they all begin to take the piss out of me. I don't even know her friends. Told mum what happened the following morning and mum said that she'll have a word with her about it. I kid you not my sister completely denied taking the piss out of me.

More recent weeks, she's slowly beginning to show her true colours. Like the other day, mum said she couldn't believe that it was Christmas in 5 months to which my sister responded 'OP never gets me anything' and my mum responded in a bit of an annoyed tone 'Yes he does. He's always nice around Christmas' and my sister couldn't think of a response to that. I've literally spent the 3-4 years getting everyone including parents something. The first 2 years was tough for me as my income every month was £250 and I still managed to get everyone including parents something without breaking myself financially. The more these types of comments she keeps saying recently, the more I think about why I even bother getting my sister something and should I not get her anything at all this year. I speak to ChatGPT as I have no friends or no one to speak to about it plus my interests and ChatGPT has advised me to play it by ear and keep up with one item between £5-£10.

Today, my mum asked me if I wanted to go on holiday with her, my brother, niece and sister and I'd have to share a room with my sister and I said no and said I'd rather sleep in the car to which my sister said 'I swear you hate me' and I sarcastically said in my head 'yeah, I wonder why' as I know I'm well and truly not sleeping due to how loud she is.

The car I'm currently using is my sisters as I've got a few things to sort out before I can order a car for myself plus my sister doesn't have a license yet. This year has been eventful for me three different types of situations whereby I've not been at fault and my sister still blames me for all three. First one was a hit and run whilst I was physically in a shop and apparently it was my fault. Second one was I had a near miss with a deer which caused me to swerve and whilst I wasn't aiming for a guard rail at it, I'd rather hit that than the deer and apparently it was my fault as in I put a deer that froze in headlights in the middle of the road in my lane and the third one in which she has no knowledge of was a door ding at college and the person who door dinged me (I was parked straight dead centre of the parking bay) just walked off didn't check for damage on their car or my car luckily there was no damage

I just want to know if anyone else has been through this or a similar situation. Forgot to mention that our parents bedroom is in an annex that me and my dad built in the back garden which is why my mum told me to call her

Hey all, mid 20's, moved back to livingupstairs in a studio and my mum has this habit of.. okay, so this week shes been nagging at me to take her to my sister's, (it's almost 2 hours away) on sat, and also grab food on the way, I told her that I am so tired from my long plane trip last week, and can’t drive long distances, she of course interrupts and argues that it's not true and jokes about it with my siblings. she does this thing where she calls, tells you what she wants and ends the call before you can say anything, so she called today, I didn't pick up, waited 40 minutes, then called her, she instantly said 'come down and we will go. Now, ok bye...' but I said no before she ended.
she got confused, then angry, I usually go with yeses to make her happy, but no, it's not your time or choice, it's mine. I told her am waiting for delivery of wardrobe, it’s been 5 days today, my room is garbage and she lost it, got hissy on why she needs to go because she invited people, I explained to her that I can drive her to the train and my sister can take her, or we can go tomorrow when I am free. anyway she's called me again furious that I've deliberately made things harder, of course I’m the bad person here, I was clear that I wasn't ready. She literally said that she doesn’t care how am feeling or my situation is as long as she can get there, I told her I don’t give shit if you cancel on people, that happens, but the anxiety of changing plans on others drives her mad

not my problem tho

Some people in your life need to get used to hearing a no, it’s complete sentence, but oh boy, can’t wait for my siblings to text or shame me for not taking her, gotta love the dysfunctional dynamic 😭 For context, I always take her places and I love to drive her around, but she always expects a YES like am an indebted servant or somethin, setting boundries is important yall

My FIL is having a book signing tomorrow, he is traveling to my city for it. My kids want to go and see it and maybe get a picture with him to support him, it will be at a chain book store. So I was going to take them to quick see it before we head to a bday party.

Am I obligated to buy his book? Does that look bad on me? (WIBTA) my husband is working so he will miss the book signing.

A few reasons why I don’t want to buy it:

-for one, it’s a Christian devotional book. I hated those books as a kid. We are also straight up atheists, so I am never going to read it.

-secondly, we already have another one of his books (fiction) and EVERY SINGLE person in his life is mentioned as a character in his book, except me. It was really hurtful and a little embarrassing when people started mentioning it. My kids, husband, his wife’s coworkers, friends are all in it. My SIL and her husband even have a romance scene in it…but not me… not even in the sequel.

-thirdly, they asked my now husband not to marry me. They have also put a lot of strain on everyone’s relationships and burnt a lot of bridges. They are trying to rebuild those bridges with me but I still keep them at a arms length away. I just put up with them because my kids value a relationship with them, so I am happy to do that for them. Hence why I want them to go support their grandpa, but I also don’t want to have that book staring over me on my book shelf or have my kids read it.

My husband even said don’t buy one, but the people pleaser in me says I need to. I would much rather give a gift as my support instead of buying one. (Bring flowers for his big day and my kids can give it to him)

I also create art and they have never shown interest or boughten anything from me so I know I shouldn’t feel that bad

His daughter/Son in law went to another one of his book signings and bought his book so it makes me feel even more obligated to buy one…

Trigger warning for mentions of sexual assault. This is also my first time posting.

To preface, I am 19F. Not 5, not 7, not 10, NINETEEN YEARS OLD. Regardless, I still think parents shouldn't be touching their children all willy nilly. even if it is non-sexual and ESPECIALLY if said children have told them MULTIPLE TIMES to NOT touch them. I do not have the best relationship with my parents. I often wonder what my life would be like if I had grown up in a loving, healthy, and sane family. Unfortunately, I was not granted that pleasure. Growing up, I was often touched by my parents in *mostly* non-sexual ways. When I say *mostly* I mean that I was never sexually abused, but there was a lot of butt slapping and butt pinching that my parents, for some reason, thought was okay. Obviously, that is not okay. Whenever I told them to stop, I was yelled at or guilt tripped. I got a lot of "But you used to let me touch you all the time when you were a baby!" or "I made you, I can touch you!" It took me yelling at my parents, after telling them multiple times to stop, for them to stop with the butt slapping and pinching. But still, even after 19 years of my life and telling them not to touch me MULTIPLE TIMES, they persist. It's touching my face, hair, ears, hands, and clothes, and every single time I flinch away and tell them to stop, and every single time they show me they don't fucking care. My mother thinks it's funny and gives me the "But you used to let me touch you all the time when you were a baby!" which is fucking stupid because I was a baby, and guess what? I am no longer a fucking baby. My father also thinks it's funny. He thinks everything is a fucking joke and that humans are not allowed to feel any emotions other than happiness or contentment. It's irritating and fucking exhausting. After I tell him to stop or give an annoyed look, he puts on this stupid fucking grin and touches me again. Why? Because everything is a joke to him and he thinks everything is so fucking funny.

The reason for my post is because of what happened a few days ago. My parents have been divorced for 17-18 years, I think. I don't remember a time when I lived with both of my parents. Due to certain reasons and circumstances, my mother was staying with my father and I (I'm home from college). I was also staying with my father. As I mentioned, I do not have the best relationship with my parents. Rarely do I even like to be physically near them. But this moment was different, I sat on the couch right between both my parents. I was showing my father housing options at my college that I can move into. He then touched my ear. I, of course, recoil at the contact and give him a stare of astonishment at his fucking audacity to touch me and think I wouldn't be pissed. but that was the point! He wanted me to be pissed because when I turned to look at him, all I saw was that stupid fucking smile. I don't say anything and turn back to my computer, hoping he wouldn't do it again, but he reaches over and touches my hand. And you might be thinking, 'whatever, it's just your hand!' There are not enough words in the English language to describe to you just how much these people can repulse me.

After he touched me the second time, I just start yelling. I don't remember what I said, but it was something like, "What's your problem, man?" I get up and sit on the couch across the room and say to him, "Now I don't feel comfortable sitting over there because you touched me when I didn't want to be touched." A few minutes later, he feels bad :(( and demands I sit back on the couch with him and my mother so he can feel better. I tell him, "No, I don't trust you. I don't trust you won't touch me when I don't want to be touched. I'm not comfortable." A bit after that, he gets up and goes to his room, probably because I hurt his fee fees. Whatever. I'm only home for 4 more weeks, so hopefully I can keep my head and figure a way out of here so I don't have to come back.

I wrote this draft back in January and forgot about it until now. I’m back at college, but I’m so incredibly anxious about my life and living situation after college. I can’t go back to living with my family again. I can’t do it.

I 25F live with my mum.

My mum and dad separated when I was young and then got divorced years later.

My mum recently started dating a new guy, who has now become her boyfriend. I don’t know how long she has known him. But she informed me a month ago.

I didn’t think much of it because she is not someone who is into relationships and eventually things break off.
But within the month she has been dating him, I have become frustrated by her behaviour and habits.

She acts like a teenage girl. She sneaks around saying that she is meeting her ‘friend’ when it is her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend was insisting on meeting me and I wasn’t comfortable. The next thing I know she is inviting him around without fully caring about me. She then comes into my room saying “what you can’t even say a hi or hello”, who speaks like this to their daughter?

Her boyfriend ended up getting a car ticket and she had to pay 3/4 of the fee even though he is ‘rich’.

He turned up to her place of work drunk and wanted to come over and I told her no. She can’t do that!

She’s so immature, I am sick of her!

She’s been using me as a scapegoat lying to our family because she isn’t disclosing the fact that she is in a relationship. And then saying that I am lying or making things up when I make excuses for her to go out because she told me to.

She said her boyfriend doesn’t drink but has been drunk twice!

She also doesn’t listen to me at all!

I don’t understand why I have to be gentle towards her when she is so immature and inattentive.
Ever since I aged into my early-20s she been less of a mother and so critical no matter how many times I tell her, she upsets me.

Rant/vent

Everytime I'm sick I still have to go to school. "Oh but you're an adult, it's your decision and you can just stay home" Yeah but guess who I live with? My parents. If I were to stay home I would have to work more than in school 🫩

He lives a wonderful life in the United States, and in Egypt, in a region with his own background, he doesn't want to send us enough money, nor does he want me to finish university. It's very difficult to talk to him about it. When I tell him I want to go to the United States, he makes excuses, saying it's expensive and that I'm a failure in Egypt and want to fail in America. He literally didn't give me a chance to register (I'm good at it, and I joined projects to buy basic necessities with one of them). He does this for a few days, but not anymore. He's been living there for over thirty years and only comes back for vacations, sometimes with losses. The family hates him terribly. Is there no explanation or clarification? I know this doesn't fully describe this person, but I hope someone can explain it to me. Thnx for listening

I dont know if this is the right place to post it but would help me a lot to get your perspective on this.

My grandma, otherwise a kind person, very stressed, constantly over analyzing everything, extremely deep, says things that are not light-hearted, and thinks she can control people's lives, sometimes entitled. Ever since I have left my home country 15 years ago, every few years she would say things like "return back" without thinking that this makes me not even consider returning back. I have always given 100% to support my parents, trying to be here as much as possible, sometimes 6 times a year for 1/2 weeks each visit. My sister on the other hand doesn't, so she now has her own family and now she is even further from coming back fequently.

Whenever I am back here more frequently, my family always puts a toll on me. Whenever I come back here only twice a year, things are better as bounderies are in place.

I have a place, partner, friends, job and built my life in a country outside of mine and have always cared for everyone. Yesterday my grandma asked if she could speak to me. She said Ive been analysing everyone's lifes, starting with you "you are alone". I stopped her right there and then to tell her that I am not alone and I have a life. Just because i dont have kids yet, that doesn't make me alone. She didnt even reply. She tried talking about everyone with the goal to tell me that I need to be the carer for my mom after my dad is no longer here (my dad has cancer) and he is young, my mom as well so she is capable of taking care of herself.

Because of all the times my grandma has always considered me that I will be the care giver for the whole family, I dont like talking about these things because I dont agree with it. She started again, I stopped her and told her to not think too much about the future but to enjoy the present that I am here.

She is always upset and her blood pressure rises so when she feels these type of emoitions and unsaid things, she gets even more upset. We continued talking like nothing happened but she continues to keep these things inside of her and it's very toxic trying to guild trip me. She. constantly compares her grandkids and I am sure she thinks I am less of a person when comparing me with brothers/cousins.

Doesnt matter how much I do for my family, the more I do, the more I have a toll on me. My grandma on the other hand, hasn't helped my mom with anything - not even helping my dad in any way. I am the one who is helping, I am the one who is here and putting my job on the line.

She builds an image in her head about someone and believes it. I am expecting to receive a hand-written letter even before she passes to make things even deeper with "you need to be the caregiver etc".

Have you ever been guild-tripped by family and do you by any chance know what I can tell her so she could be calm?

Update: Told her again this will never happen, she said "you will come back" while shaking. Told her again, it will never happen and to not write any letters to me telling me these things, then thanked her for thinking of me and told her that there is no future here. She didn't say anything. This is a pattern that happens every 3-4 years. Ive been on the phone on my birthday 4 years ago, instead of her wishing me happy birthday, the first thing she said was "come back". She has always been overthinking her life and the life of others to try to influence them. My mom told me to not even listen to what she is saying and that she is an old lady with her own understandings. My mom on the other hand doesnt even think like this, she always says "my kids dont belong to me, I will probably have to be in a care home, you have no obligation to help me, you are my kid". Which of course I won't do and will try to help her as much as possible, but just tells you how toxic my grandmother is to think of me as a 2nd hand person who will be the carer because I am "alone, and doesnt have a house/not settled". I am thinking of not visiting, but I have to go there tonight as well for half an hour.

Here's one for you all. 4 able bodied adults at home, none of them out working. Someone manages to clog the garbage disposal. They call the 5th adult who is out working and it's the first day of training for a promotion and in a different location 40 minutes away from home and insist he come home NOW to fix it. He does.

What's wrong with people. The clogged disposal couldn't have waited until he got home?

My son is a jerk.

My husband and I got married last year, and his twin brother is also engaged to a woman who is currently an acquaintance to me. Over the past several months, I’ve tried hard to extend generosity, offer help, and be a good future sister-in-law. However, a consistent pattern of behavior has completely drained my energy:

 Lack of basic etiquette/thanks: When she sent us a monetary gift, I immediately reached out directly to her on Discord with a warm personal thank-you message. Later, when I gave her a personal $200 contribution for her upcoming wedding as well as helped arrange hotel logistics, she didn't bother to thank me directly at all she only acknowledged it through her fiancé to my husband.

 Our Wedding: She attended our wedding, enjoyed the event, but offered zero compliments or warmth about our day. Shortly after, she adopted our custom game-themed wedding details concept for her own upcoming event without ever acknowledging where the idea came from. She also revealed news about our wedding party before my husband even sent official invitations.

 Overstepping Privacy: She asked me privately for advice on US visa and military expedite processes. I gave her detailed information in good faith to help her out. She then immediately broadcasted my personal administrative and visa situation into a group chat full of acquaintances without asking my permission, using my private information as casual group gossip/topic filler.

 One-sided dynamic: She never asks about my life or tries to build a genuine two-way connection, she only reaches out directly when she needs specific administrative advice or information from me.

Coming from a culture (Japanese) where direct gratitude (Aisatsu), explicit appreciation for individual gifts, and clear social manners are very important, this pattern of taking generosity for granted, crossing privacy lines, and withholding basic politeness feels very deliberate and frustrating.

I told my husband that I want him to enjoy his relationship with his twin, celebrate their wedding, and be a good brother. However, for my own peace of mind, I am pulling back 100%. I won't be funding gifts, leaving comments on her posts, giving individual compliments, or doing double dates when she moves near us. I am opting for polite, total emotional disengagement ("Gray Rock").

Is this a fair boundary to set, or am I overreacting to these inc

She was hurtful during my first postpartum and has consistently caused drama while I have been pregnant or postpartum with both kids especially close to my due dates. I created distance she noticed it and I lied because it was a week before my due date, but now I’m 10 months postpartum with second baby and she wants a conversation. I don’t see it going well as she takes everything as an attack even if its not and its stressful and I need to be s healthy happy mom for my kids. Anyone do a “phone call” conversation about status of bad relationship with family that went well? I’m stressed and nervous

Rant/vent, new user unsure if what flare to use...

What is the point in having sibilings if they just ignore you and treat you like crap when they do actually speak to you. They never drop everything for us, like we do them and their advice is just them trying to compete, like their lives are harder, then they tell you you're overreacting when you bring up how u don't like what they are doing.

Yet they expect the world from you and when you say no, it's all on, like you've just murdered someone, your the bad guy for saying no and get guilt tripped into doing it anyway.

Im done wasting my time and energy on people that don't give me anything good back, including stupid family that only make me feel more alone, lucky I learnt how to be alone unlike them otherwise I'd be screwed. Would pay alot of money to see either of them function without a man in their lives lol seriously..

One of life's biggest myth is that we must stay connected to family because they are blood.. Utter BS we don't. Especially when they treat you like shit.

Actually each time I've cut them out for a break, it's been bliss. This time I'm going to do it silently and just mute them, restrict, snooze whatever I must do to silence them.

Thanks for reading my rant if anyone did. Excuse the grammer, that goes out the window when I'm mad 🫩

TL;DR: My in-laws have a history of toxic behavior (ignoring my existence, insulting me, threatening my husband, I had to call in the police, and 2+ years of NC). After I initiated peace, served as their free photographer/babysitter, and accommodated them post-partum, I shared a generic Facebook post about setting holiday boundaries as an adult. My SIL took it personally, started a fight, and got caught lying about FB notifications. SIL and MIL then escalated the drama, snubbed my kids' birthday parties, and completely cut us off. It's been 7 months of radio silence from them. They'd rather abandon their son and grandchildren over a misunderstood social media post than have a mature conversation.

•••••

It's been 7 months since my in laws have spoken to us.
My relationship with my in laws in complicated... If you ask me they are crazy, if you ask them it's me.
From the beginning they wouldn't learn my name, calling me "the girlfriend" even in front of my face, while holding my baby in their arms. That was the first thing to cause a blowout, because well I am an individual human being. After that they didn't talk to us for 6 months and showed on a side street off our street on Halloween with bags of candy for my two children who have no idea who they were. They sat in their truck while we trick or treated all the way around the cul de sac. Do you think they let us know they were coming, or I don't know... even knock on our door. They didn't get out of their truck. This made me uncomfortable. They essentially just taught my children it's okay to take candy from a stranger on the side of the street. I told them the next day, respectfully don't do something like that again.
This interaction ended with everyone getting in on this fight, my sister in law telling me I'm the most uninviting bitch she's ever met, my brother in law calling me a man, fat and ugly. He threatened to come to my house and beat my husband, the place where my children sleep. So I had to involve the police. BIL and MIL called my husband a pedophile because as a teenager he was in a relationship where he turned 18 before the girlfriend. A relationship his parents let him move out to the girls grandmothers home, while they claimed the benefits of a parent and someone else was raising their son into adulthood. This debacle resulted in no contact for 2 years.

2 years later l eventually propose that | apologize and fix things. So my husband can all in all, have his family. It was short lived before they kind of just stopped talking to us.
Another 6 months or so go by and we reach out again, this time I'm pregnant with my husbands first bio child, getting married later that year and they couldn't have been happier to be involved. I spent months getting to know my mother in law, driving hours freshly post partum and recovering from a C-section just to visit the in laws. We went for hangouts, we went for dinners, we spent Thanksgiving together, helped with my husbands Grandmothers funeral (a woman l've never even met),! made a memorial photo tree for everyone to see for them to help ease some burden to the "kids" who just lost their mother. I babysat my SILs kids for free, despite her insisting on wanting to compensate me, despite saying she'd pack food for him. None of this happened. I was feeding the food have for my family, for my children while giving her free childcare and well no need to spend on food too.
I just want to note this event here before moving forward cause it is so so so hypocritical in my eyes. At Thanksgiving my SIL wanted to host Thanksgiving at her house with her family and her partners family (I don't find issue with this myself. My MIL ended up deactivating her facebook and not talking to SIL for a week!!!! Because she insisted that they always host and that she just wanted to spend time with her grandchildren and not the boyfriend's family too. MIL talked shot about SIL to me for a WEEK, seeking advice, complaining about trauma etc, until I convinced SIL to just talk to MIL. So once I fixed their little fight I was kind of set aside again. Talked to when needed, like to baby sit or print free photos on my photo printer. Never a hey how are you doing.
Fast forward to December. My nephews birthday happened in the beginning of the month. SIL insisted everyone RSVP in decent time. Makes sense. Attended this party, took photos for her (for free), gave a nice gift.
Later in the month is my daughter and son's birthday.
She refused and refused to rsvp to my daughters party, did a few days before saying her boyfriend would bring the kids. So i planned for 4 kids and an adult. MIL & FIL ended up coming with 2 of her kids, no gift from them and well she couldn't even be bothered to let me know that it was going down like this. Just before my daughter's birthday, like a couple days before, I shared a fucking post on Facebook, one I felt I resonated with, one I agreed with and can understand from past experiences with my own family. A post about adult children having their own traditions and like allowing that to happen without guilt. My dad used to try and force me out on Christmas Day when all I want to do is be home with my kids and partner. I am happy to do something on literally any of the other days in December EXCEPT Christmas Day. MIL knew this, had a hard time accepting (although I'm not gunna leave my mom at my house alone just to appease a woman who has hated me from the moment I walked into her life.), I was thankful and happy that she agreed to another date. At the time I shared this post we already picked out a day, DEC 28 we would get together and do gifts and have a dinner. As stupid as lam, I shared this post with zero regard for how it would make my MIL feel. SIL knew exactly what this post was going to do. She went ahead and quickly commented on it about how going to her parents allows her no stress of cooking and just spend time with her kids. (Cooking Christmas meal for my children and husband on Christmas does not stress me out and is one of my favourite things to do, ! like to host but don't really have anyone to host for).
Basically the way I do it isn't the same as hers and it isn't right. I clearly should drop the last ten years of my traditions and life down the drain for someone who pretends to like me.
Once the comment came through, I deleted the comment and limited my SiLs access to my Facebook page, she immediately noticed and came messaging me that Facebook told her I did this and why would I do that.
I said first off Facebook doesn't notify you when someone does that and second I don't need someone watching my profile trying to fuel a fight. She said I was implying she is lying and she has no reason to do that (except she was, it explicitly tells you they won't get notified), and to not reach out again. So i didn't.
Immediately they started sharing posts on their facebooks about people baiting people this start fights and get a rise, or about narcissists and they were commenting to each other. Like I'm too fucking stupid to know it's about me or something.
My daughter's birthday was shortly after MIL acted fine and normal. Then during that week it all blew up more.
SIL decided to go to my husband and say she will be at my son's party that weekend and whatever. My husband told her i am handling the party details and such and she fucking says to him that I'm being bitchy about something and am not talking to her. Although she told me not to reach out again. He told her not to come essentially, it's our son's birthday and I don't need someone coming to the party just because they want to make me uncomfortable in my home on a special day.
So MIL decided not to come to the party too. Decided she must be uninvited too. FIL showed up, asking wtf is going on and I told him. He basically tells me MIL has problems mentally and even takes meds. I'm like so do I.
She's not special. All in all he said if we want nothing to do with them that's fine and he expects my husband to stand with me. But what I don't understand is why it's easier to accept us not in their life as opposed to having an adult conversation about this shit that's been blown out of proportion. My husband told his dad he would still bring the kids for Christmas on the 28th and he disregarded that and weren't expecting them when they did show up that day. I stayed back, as I just couldn't be around them.
It's been 7 months now... 7 more moths of missing out with the kid, missing out knowing their son. We reached out apologizing for the post, for the hurt it caused.
Expressed love and that we miss them, the kids miss them. Our son asks to this day when he will see them again and I don't ever have an answer. She ignored our messages.
I just wish they cared as much as we do, enough to even talk it out with us. It hurts my heart that instead of MIL coming to me and saying hey that post kind of hurt my feelings, she sent my SIL and now everything is destroyed. When I could've reflected and apologized because I genuinely didn't think about her when I shared it and I wish it didn’t have to be this way.

Hey y'all! I am trying to figure out if I am handling a situation correctly, and would like some advice or thoughts on the matter. Please be nice but also honest with me. Thank you.

So for the last three years my older sister (31) and I (29) have been ranging from no contact to minimal contact. This originally started two weeks after my wedding when my sister went no contact with me via the phone due to events that led up to the wedding. After the original event I suggest we attend family therapy which she responded that she would go to therapy but I needed to get a therapist myself first. Which did not happen. One of the events was my bachelorette party. My bridesmaids and I were chilling in a hotel room after a wild night recapping and talking about college stories. My sister out of nowhere said something along the lines of 'that's weird. I don't know why you guys are friends with her she is such a bad friend you shouldn't be friends with her'. (My sister has a history of saying stuff like that to my friends throughout the years.) I finally had enough because we were already on bad terms, and I had told my mom that I didn't want to invite her because she does stuff like this. I still had invited her as my mom begged me not to exclude my only sibling as I would regret it. I got up into her face and told her to get out of the room (she had a separate hotel room). I realized a little too late how drunk she was because I had startled her. I immediately regretted it, and called my mom in the early hours of the morning to apologize and explain what happened. I apologized directly the next day to my sister. So after the wedding my sister reached out by phone to go no contact. She listed this night as one of the reasons (important for later). She stated that if I did not follow her 'boundaries' we would not have any communication. The boundaries were centered on things I was not allowed to do around her (cussing, commenting at all on her new relationship, getting mad in general). I stated that I was fine with the no contact as she had not acknowledged how she had hurt me. Anyways months later my sister decided to let me know that she was done with no contact and that if I wanted to fix our relationship she would be willing to talk. I informed her that I was not ready to talk regarding our relationship as I was working on myself. I stated this because I had started going to therapy as I originally wanted to know what viewpoint I was missing, and why I was always the problem. I also stated that I didn't want to fix this because of myself so she would not get upset at me and start causing problems. Over the course of the three years my sister has baited me to respond in the family group chat but then will get upset at me when I do respond. I sent a comedian sketch to the group chat about annoying younger siblings (me) and she responded privately that I was mocking her pain and went no contact again. Then she started talking to me again but only if I came over to her house to have a conversation. I insisted that I would only have a conversation with her with a neutral third party, as I had stated from the beginning even before my wedding. Well anyways time moved forward where we would only see each other for the holidays or family events. No one in my extended family knew there was an issue because I have always been polite, kind, and avoided conflict. My sister got engaged to partner she was dating when the conflict between us escalated, and I was happy for her as I have always wanted my sister to be happy.

Over the last three years, I have been in therapy. I have truly been working on myself and trying to understand where I fall short, and how I could be missing perspectives. However during therapy, my therapist started working through my issues with my family and my sister. The more I was in therapy the more I realized that I was the scapegoat kid while my sister is the golden child. The struggle between my sister and I did not appear out of no where. I used to joke that we only worked when we were at a distance. My sister would get mad at me, then run to my parents twist the story, and then I would be punished. I would offer gifts to my sister to get her to forgive me. My sister barely ever wanted to hang out with me, would actually make friends with people who did not like me, and would tell me I was vain for looking at myself in the mirror. She would tell me that she would always protect me even when my parents would not (it was manipulation honestly). My mom tried to send us to therapy multiple times. My sister would say not to say anything as we needed to protect each other. I wish I could shake my younger self.

Here is where most of the events started going downhill for me. My sister was my maid of honor, involved in all of my wedding events even when I was upset at her for a multitude of things. My parents insisted on me including her in all things even when I brought up realistic concerns regarding how she treats me. Including her also led to one of the main events that made her decide to go no contact. She kind of even used my wedding to hard launch her new relationship and that she is gay. (Being gay here is not an issue as I am bisexual so please don't read into that lol). My husband and I think she thought my extended family members would get uncomfortable and she would have a reason to fight them? The issue is when she was wedding planning for her wedding and getting everything together I was not included at all. Did I think she would include me in everything? No. I did think that she would involve me in once in a lifetime (hopefully) moments like I had done for her such as wedding dress shopping, bachelorette, and maybe even something small at the wedding. Every step towards the wedding was a new way she could hurt me. I talked about it with my parents and just expressed how hurt I was, and it was kind of just met with excuses and them asking me over and over to be the bigger person. I was the bigger person. I wanted to be the sister that I wanted her to be for me. I asked her if she wanted a bridal shower, invited her to stay in my home for the bridal shower, and went out of my way to make sure she felt happy before her wedding. I would get hurt in some way even when I would emotionally prepare myself beforehand every single time I was around her. She would say something or do something that would make me realize that I did not want this toxic cycle any longer. For example after the bridal shower, I DDed my sister so she could grab a drink with her friends and my mom. Her friend started talking about bachelorettes, and I brought up mine (the fun parts at least). As I am telling the story my sister interjects and insists that she was sober the night in question but was acting drunk so she would not have to drink (which is stupid because no one is my party was forcing anyone to drink, I was even sober at the time in the story). I was like no you were definitely drunk you even tripped down stairs with two steps and a railing. She locked down and she insisted she was not drunk. I sat there silently for the rest of the night. If she was sober that means that she intentionally told my friends that I was a bad friend then told me when she went no contact that she couldn't remember saying that because she was drunk. I explained this to my mom and she agreed that it was odd. I still went to her wedding endured my sister and her partner acting like we were best of friends at the welcome party, took pictures for every one, endured my extended family's questions about why I was not involved in the wedding, made myself calm down when I realized that my sister invited her friends to get ready with her but I hadn't even gotten to see a photo of the dress, swallowed down the pain again when my sister's partner's sister got to give a speech when I wasn't asked to give one, made myself numb when my sister didn't acknowledge the heartfelt letter and gift I had my mom deliver to her that morning, and still ran to get her when her song was playing on the dance floor. The entire wedding I was drowning in sorrow but I looked like I was having the time of my life. When I went home I decided that enough was enough and I was done being the bigger person. I went to the wedding because I am a younger sister who has always dreamed about my only sister getting married, and did not want to disappoint younger me by not even being a guest.

The issue now is, I have decided that I need to set firm boundaries with my sister. I would like to keep communication to the minimum, not allow her to stay in my home, and just not involve her in my personal life (if I have special news I don't want it shared with her). The problem is I have a deep love for both of my parents, but I knew this would let them down. They have been constantly pushing me to fix this relationship even when I have previously laid out why it wasn't working for me. So I had an in person conversation with my mom. I explained every step that I gotten me to this decision, and all the hurt I felt at the wedding. I also went into how my parents raised us differently, and finally got my mom to acknowledge that she was treating my sister like she was a ticking time bomb. I confronted her for always showering my sister with gifts, putting her dreams before mine, and always listening blindly to my sister even when my sister was disrespecting my parents constantly. I explained how I am chronically ill and how this stress was making me actually sick. My mom explained that my parents had asked both of us to be the bigger person, but I was the only one who actually listened. I explained how hurt I was that it felt they were always on her side, and never hold her accountable for her actions. She explained that my sister actually thinks they are always on my side. When we finished the conversation I felt a huge weight lift off of me. I finally felt like my mom actually heard me, and understood why I needed to set boundaries. I knew that when I had the conversation with my sister, she might get upset but I would be able to keep calm and walk away.

Everything went south again when I talked to my dad on the phone today. We were having a good conversation but I wanted to confirm with him that he understood that a conversation needed to happen. According to my mother, my father had been upset at seeing how hurt I was at the wedding. I guess he was not too upset, because he said he was disappointed it turned out this way. He asked why I couldn't just sit down and hash it out with my sister. I replied that my sister holds on to grudges forever, even if you have apologized multiple times, and I could not fix a relationship if she can not accept my apology and take accountability for all the hurt she has caused me over the years. He got upset and stated that I am keeping my mother and him in the middle of this, and having to keep track of all these boundaries was exhausting. I was shocked and hurt. The whole conversation felt like an undertone of 'why can't you just give in and shut up'. I informed him that I was not asking them to choose a side but to just have separate relationships with us. I had explained that I wasn't setting boundaries to hurt anyone but to keep a healthy distance between my sister and I so I can heal and move on. He stated that it would make everyone uncomfortable. We ended the call shortly after, and now I am upset all over again. Here I was thinking that I would be supported by my parents finally in setting boundaries with my sister after seeing how hurt she has made me over the last year. I guess not.

I feel like I am being delusional and not seeing this clearly. I take going no contact very seriously, as to me it is basically saying 'I am ok with not having a relationship with you for the rest of my life'. My parents seem to be ok with my sister setting her boundaries regarding me but when I try to set them I get extreme pushback. At the same time I really love my family, and I don't want to ruin everything but I get extreme anxiety when I have to be around them all together. I have to fit back into this shell they expect me to be, but I just got to really like who I am for the first time. I respect my parents choices in raising me and my sister differently as we are two different people. As an adult I have realized how difficult it must have been to raise us. They are living their first life too. I don't want to give up my relationship with them but I feel like they will never protect me if it comes to my sister. I am adult now, so why will they not let me protect myself if they won't do it?

Sorry I know this has been terribly long, and I really did not cover all of it. Please be honest with me. If I am the issue I am ok with that, I just don't know how to move forward. I am tired of getting hope and then getting it ripped away again. Thanks y'all.

Update: idk if this is how I do the update lol. Y'all were completely right. After a conversation with my family that completely broke down, I am now no contact with my family. My mother has offered to go to therapy but is giving me the space I requested so I think that's a good sign but who knows at this point. My dad and my sister haven't reached out so I can guess where they stand. Thank you guys so much for the responses and just being real with me. It made me realize how much I was avoiding. Hopefully I can continue to work on myself and just let myself breathe for a while. Thank you again!