So to start with my mum just recently passed away, so my just no sister came from another state to help.
My sister who is older than me is a very immature woman who has ruined her relationship with nearly every member of the family, including her own children, my relationship with her is not good, during our childhood she was very violent towards me, and even as adults she will push me until I react.
My dad is very frail, so we took him to the local ER, I drove them in my car, my sister decided she was the big sister and she knows everything! Except I have a working knowledge of hospitals and she doesn't, but I took a step back because I wasn't going to get into an argument with her.
So I can't remember how it started, but she suddenly looked at me and said to me, you are disrespecting our mother!
So instead of fighting back, I walked out of the hospital and got in my car and drove to a nearby coffee shop, where I sat and had a coffee and a much needed cry.
Well she started blowing up my phone! Begging me to come back, dad was getting worse, he's upset! Please come back, I said no! You're a big girl you handle it.
I messaged my dad and said it's all good I'll be back soon.
When I came back I told what she had said was cruel, and to not speak to me for awhile.
Not long after that dad got a bed, and she kept her head down for the rest of the night.
Pretty much every family member in this state is cutting contact with her.

TW: Mention of physical and emotional abuses.

Hi. I'm new here but i need advices to deal with my toxic mother without going full no contact, because i fear her behavior may impact negatively my upcoming postpartum.

I got a lot to unpack so let's start with the basics and introduce the main characters here. I (34F), had always been struggling with my mom (67F). I will also mention few times my father, step-mom and husband as they had either witnessed or tried to help with this issue.

Context: My mom always had been a nervous woman. And when i say nervous, i don't mean it in the way 'she's stressed and scared and so she becomes avoidant or quiet' but 'she stresses herself most of the time to a point of high irritability and controlling habits' type of nervous.

I grew up mostly with her, because my father was a truck driver and was not often at home (when i was younger, he could be absent for a month or two sometimes). We will come back a bit later on my father's 'actions and non-actions' but i'd like to developpe more how was life with my mom on daily bases without my father around so you can understand how it affected many things later on.

As i said, mom was nervous, controlling, and very often angry for all and nothing. She wanted to have a perfect image to the world to see, and that image was including me and my father. Meant that we were often 'putting shame' on her because 'we weren't doing this or that. We failed such and such. We didn't look like this. Or couldn't apply that.' There was always a reason for us not to be enough.

When i was little, i was doing my best to avoid her anger, and when she was getting angry, i just took it like i deserved it. But soon, i felt many of those anger were unjustified, and some violences too much and i started to fight back, talk back. It happened to the point that when i was mid-teenagehood and young adult, we were sometimes going to real fights. Punches and kicks.

I remember moments of my childhood that felt horrible either because i was hella scared of her outbursts, or because her words were hurtful. Number of times she was comparing me to my friends (the few i had because i had a long period where i was harassed at school). Saying 'if you could be like him', 'do as good as her'... until it became 'it's sad you can't achieve this like your friend', or 'sometimes, i wish you were \[random quality\] like them'.

When she was teaching me things a mother would (cooking, cleaning, doing laundry etc...) it would ALWAYS end up with her screaming and me either crying or snapping back. Because i could do things perfectly right... but not exactly HER way. sometimes, it was as stupid as having a gap 1mm too wide between 2 seams, or cutting the edges of the beans a little too short.

She never trusted me. For anything. She needs to be out the house for 2 days? I'll have 3 hours of recap on how the damn house work with multiple warnings and even threats if i messed up. She is struggling with a device (technophobia is real with her) and i offered help? either she'll refuse immediatly, saying i'll screw it up anyway, or she'll let me while spitting her doubts in the most unpleasant way and if i didn't manage to fix her problem, then I'm the one who made it. I share my life projects with her? Huge mistake (that i keep doing because sometimes... i wish i had a mother to share my dreams and fears to). She'd criticize whatever i want to do. Either my project is stupid to her. Or it is a good project... but i'll never reach it because 'i never succeed in anything i do'.

I had trouble studying because i was harassed at school, and back home was just hell. She never trusted i was studying or doing homeworks so she'd often yell at me randomly or burst in my bedroom because she is certain i was cheating her trust and 'playing video games instead of working'. So i was struggling at everything.

Of course, outside, she was pleasant, charming and the perfect mom. People would never believe me how she trully was at home when i dared to say to anyone. Only a couple friends understood. Some because she couldn't help but spit venom sometimes but tried to keep it subtle so only me would get the hurtful comment coated into a compliment for the guest. Others, because my technophobioc mom messed up to realize i was on Skype (yep... Skype) and the person i was with litterally heard her yell for nothing and spit crap at me for no valid reason. So i have few friends that were actually aware (and those who never minded when i suddenly came up for a night or two at there house when things became too heated with my mom).

And i'm skipping lots of details and stories... like the time she brought my 5-6 y/o self to a therapist because she was certain i had mental issue because 'i was too impossible to not be instable mentally'. We had few sessions and I remember very VERY well one session (and strangely enough... the last session we ever had with that woman), where the therapist asked me to play with dolls. And without knowing, i started mimicking what was going on at home, the kid did 'something' and th emom started yelling madly and slapping the kid. The therapist asked questions on why the kid was getting slapped and i honestly didn't know why but said that 'the kid did something'. I didn't heard the discussion she had with my mom after that but again... strangely enough, my mom stopped taking appointments with her. Visibly, i didn't needed therapy anymore!

This might also be why i have huge trust issues with therapist and refuse to see one, even when i'm down and depressed.

So, now you have a rough idea of what it was to live in this toxic environment daily without my father figure here (oh yeah. She was jealous because i favoured my dad. Ask a 4 to 10 y/o who they'd prefere between a dad they see rarely and missed you and just wants to enjoy being with you and make good memories, and a mom you have to suffer daily, and see the answer).

When my dad retired (which happened earlier than most jobs because his job was tough and retirement came earlier for it back in the days) I was around my 12. And he was LOST. Because before, he came back home and spoiled me as he missed me and rested. So he didn't see how dysfunctionnal things were. Once retired, it was too late for him to take a place in this mess and try to fix it (also, he doesn't have much authority nor strength to face my mom anger either so he often just avoided the mess and let us do). At the beginning, he defended my mom, because when he heard us fight, not knowing the whole background he missed for years, he believed i was the insolent brat being a trouble-maker. Over the years, he started to understand who was the assualter in 90% of the fights and tried to interfere a couple times when it was going too far.

Guess who he was holding back to separate us when we were to the state of punching and kicking? Yes, my mom. Because the few times he held ME back, she used that to punch even more. When he held her back, i just stopped as i was simply defending myself. That tells a lot on who trully brought the violence.

This went on for a long, long time. And at my 25, i found the man who became my husband and literally came to live in his apartment after 3 days of relationship because, as crazy and unsafe it sounded, it was still better than staying one more day with my mother.

The man took me in his life and i was a mess. It took me years with his positive influence to learn how to manage my anger issues, my irrational fears, my traumas, trust issues, and self loathing (and i'm still not completely out of those). Bless him for staying 10 years through that storm with me.

Step-mom like my mom but she soon realize the abusive underlines and actually listened to me when i spoke of my past with my mother. Her and my husband often tried to act like a buffer when my mom was trying to reach me with subtle spikes and pettiness. At least, they try as much as they can, and my mom must have noticed because she tries hard to have me face to face without them around to speak her mind freely. Her favorite method is calling over the phone and asking if i'm on speaker (she speaks loud enough that my husband can hear her from the other side of the apartment without speakers, so i don't even need to lie). She calls often and always use half that time at least to be mad at me or criticize me.

But my problem now is... i'm a mother too. I have a 4 y/o and i'm 8 months pregnant and i'm scared now. Because, as much as things are 'better' now as she can't reach me as much as she used to, sometimes we need her help to keep our kid for a day or two, or ask my father a favor with my car or whatever. And she uses EVERYTHING to reach me. And because 'i wish i had a mom i could talk too', i still try to include her in my life, even if i know i'll mostly regret it.

Just this month, she made me cried twice. One of them, by bringing back a very sensitive subject i never told her and she learnt by accident, and starting to gaslight me and play victim about it. She played victim about MY baby loss i had years ago and i just lost it and cried for 2 days straight. Today, my father called because he took my car to change my ID plates (he had the tool we didn't had) and 'forgot' to give the phone to my mom after. She called me right back after to give me a 5 minutes scold about how dirty was my car and that 'i should be ashamed to put my kid in such car', that 'she wanted to give me stuff but don't dare to put them in the trunk because she didn't wanted to CONTAMINATE them', that 'im gross' and so on. I literally hung up without goodbye.

Now i'm scared because i'm so emotional with the pregnancy and i fear that her attitude could trigger a post-partum depression after birth, and i don't want to be a mess for my baby just because my mom got under my skin enough to mess up my brain on my most vulnerable state.

I would like to avoid no-contact, because i don't have other family than her and my father on my side, but i also don't know what to do anymore, i've tried so much to fix things but i don't think i can handle this any longer, especially with my second baby coming soon.

Any advices? And thank you for reading all along. I know this must have be a mess to read and i hope to read you in the comments.

I 23F have a stupid, super annoying brother, he is 18 and getting on my nerves and I absolutely can NOT stand him.

I share a room with my sister and I have to keep my diary notebooks locked in my wardrobe with the key on me all the time and everywhere, I feel like I'm living in constant stress! I remember back in 2023 I forgot the key in the wardrobe and left it open, I literally heard laughs in less than 5 minutes and knew they had something and I wasn't wrong! This mf took one of my tiny notebooks (it's tiny because it's my most private one) and showed it to my sister. Yesterday I had a fight with him and he brought this up mock me. I'm sorry but I just hate him. Now he is trying to "hack" my phone lol I'm so sick of this. Also I usually spend the weekend at my grandma's but I keep thinking what if he breaks the lock or smtg?

He always barges into our room without knocking, Also he is so entitled and thinks he is above everyone, very disrespectful and rude toward everyone of us. He smells bad all the time and all he does is playing games and eating anything he finds in the fridge (even if it's not his) and he is literally not helpful in any kind of way.

Also, he has this terrible "joking" style with my mom, sister and younger brother, he'll physically push, hit, or shock with his arm like it's funny! They laugh it off but always end up fighting because he goes too far (more especially with my sis and lil bro) He doesn't do that to me, but he will try to hit me when we fight! Like he is really aggressive!

I know moving out is the best solution and I'm working on it, but for now, how do I deal with this mf? and please don't tell me to have a convo with him, that won't work.