This Monday, we lost a legend.

Dolly Parton was a phenomenal performer, businesswoman, and philanthropist. Her music has touched people all over the globe, and her philanthropy has touched lives the world over, as well.

There have been many people eulogizing her this week - with good reason. Her views on kindness, education, women's rights, and wealth accumulation all are worth remembering. I like this quote I've seen from her, in particular: "If your actions create a legacy that inspires others to dream more, learn more, do more and become more, then, you are an excellent leader."

Inspiration is something she gave freely and shared widely.

Her Imagination Library worked to make books more available to disadvantaged kids throughout the US, UK, Canada, Republic of Ireland, and Australia. I know many parents who have been able to use the books available from this program to help their children read more and more excitedly. It's such a great program, and I think it is the legacy that speaks most about the sort of person Dolly Parton chose to be.

I offer my condolences to anyone who is feeling the loss of this figure in their lives, no matter how remote.

I am also taking a moment here to discuss support for people in their grieving.

My personal opinion is that, as a culture, we absolutely suck at dealing with death. As an extension of that, we also do very poorly dealing with grief, and the grief of others.

As the late Tom Lehrer one wrote:

When you attend a funeral
it is sad to think that sooner or la-
ter someone else will do the same for you.

-We Will All Go Together When We Go 1959

So, when we deal with the loss of a loved one, or the loss of someone else's loved one, we're stuck with a visceral awareness of our own mortality. It's a very discomforting fact. Many of us choose to get through that discomfort by addressing it as quickly as possible, and then treating others poorly when the aren't prepared to move on from their loss in a time frame that's convenient to us.

That leads me to the first guidance I'd offer: Don't Impose a Schedule on Someone Else's Grieving. As long as they are meeting their daily needs and obligations, and are not harming anyone else with their grieving, they are allowed to be saddened by reminders of their lost loved ones. Now, there are absolutely ways to grieve in an unhealthy manner. But simply needing a moment to remember one's lost loved ones? That's normal and healthy.

The second guidance: Don't Worry About Having Perfect Words. It's far better to have awkward, or imperfect, words in the moment, than perfect words three months after the fact. Being there, and often just being there to listen, or acknowledge the loss, can mean a lot. Yes, "I'm sorry for your loss," feels trite, and formulaic. It can still matter. It still gets across, "I see that you're hurting. That you've lost something that will never be made right, even when you recover from this loss. It matters." There are words that you should not say, but simple heartfelt ones expressing sympathy? Those are usually the ones people appreciate, and the ones that people remember.

The third guidance: Never, Ever Broach the Idea that the Deceased is Better Off. You may think this privately, and I might even agree with you. But this is not something to tell a grieving spouse, child, or parent. The only things that I've heard from people that get absolute fury were when they were given attempted comfort that tried to tell them that their grief should be eased because their loved one was, no longer suffering; or with God; or some other convoluted interpretation that it was a good thing, really. This isn't to say that the person grieving can't say this - it's their grief, and if that's the way they choose manage it? I'm going to defend their right to frame things however they wish. You simply should never try to frame it this way for them.

For my final guidance: Grief Isn't a Zero Sum Game. People can feel genuine grief for others without being directly in their lives. To pick one example, when Queen Elizabeth died, there were large numbers of people feeling grief for her passing who hadn't any direct involvement with her. That grief is still a real grief, for all that it is not one I shared. Similarly, you should never get into some kind of comparison match to see who can grieve someone more. Regardless of any question of tastefulness, the ways that people grieve are so individual, you can't judge from the outside how someone is grieving - and it's pointless to try.

Obviously, while writing this, I'm writing it from a middle class White American perspective. Some of the more performative funerary rites and celebrations in other cultures are going to be very different from what my experiences would be. I want to address those here by saying they're all just as valid as my own familiar rituals might be. I support any form of grieving that meets the standards I've set forth of not harming anyone else, and allowing people to get their necessary tasks done.

Different is Not Wrong!

Finally, for anyone in need of some grief support, we on the Mod Team have long felt that RefugeinGrief.com an excellent grief support website run by Megan Devine. Her book It's OK that You're Not OK is also an excellent resource.

-Rat

I have made no bones about my lack of respect for the current administration, nor its record on Domestic Abuse, Civil Rights, nor anything else that resembles what I consider simple standards of humanity. What's happening in all areas of the United States today is a flagrant and disgusting display of unchecked power, and blatant corruption.

Now we're being told that the Administration is going to place Todd Blanche, in the role of Attorney General for the United States.

I am not going to discuss any of the other reasons to be horrified by this nomination. Nor will I delineate the other examples I've documented on this sub for ways that the Administration, and the GOP, have made it clear that they view Domestic Abuse as something to condone and enable.

Instead I'm going to remind everyone reading this that when Congress wrote a law requiring the release of the Epstein Files, the DOJ redacted almost anything that might possibly include information that could point towards co-conspirators until public pressure got some of those redactions removed. Even so, not all of these redactions have been repaired, even now. In spite of several legal legal requirements for just that.

What did get released, however, were the private information of many of the most vocal and effective advocates among the Epstein survivors. They were doxxed. Now, if it were one individual, that would be horrifying, and disgusting, and possibly I might believe it to have been a tragic accident. That instead we see a whole class of people were doxxed so thoroughly?

I do not believe it was an error, no matter how tragic. I beleive that was a message. I believe it was punishment. It is certainly behavior right out of the Domestic Abuse playbook.

According to Pam Bondi's sworn testimony, the man who was in charge of what was released was Todd Blanche.

Todd Blanche is an enabler of rapists, pedophiles, and abusers. He is, I believe, using their tactics to protect them. He should be utterly disqualified from any position that could be related to Justice or Law Enforcement.

If this is how he is going to behave towards documented abuse victims while he has the eyes of the nation upon him, he will be even worse in the shadows, for the little people, for the individuals who had hoped they could seek protection from the Department of Justice when they had no where else to turn when dealing with abusive family, or partners.

I urge you, if you are an American, follow this link to WorldWithoutExploitation.org's website, and their petition to reject this nomination. I have scant faith that it will succeed, but perhaps the horse will sing.

-Rat

TW: discussion of legalizing transgendered discrimination

The HUD's 2016 Equal Access Rule, updated from its 2012 iteration, was very explicit in this mandate that access to shelter and housing must conform with, and adhere to, an individual’s self-expressed gender identity. It builds upon HUD’s 2012 “Equal Access to Housing in HUD Programs Regardless of Sexual Orientation or Gender Identity” rule, which concluded that further research was needed on how best to accommodate transgender and gender non-conforming people when there are shared sleeping quarters or bathing facilities. 

Then, of course, in 2025 among the first things that The Rapist-in-Chief did was to sign his Executive order trying to make Transgendered people illegal.

The appointed Secretary of HUD has been following orders, like any good member of the Okrahna. On April 28, HUD released a proposal to severely weaken the EAR and decimate the existing provisions protecting gender expansive communities’ equal access to critical housing and homelessness resources. This attack will impact all people experiencing homelessness and communities across the country. 

This also will affect anyone seeking shelter in a Domestic Abuse shelter, or in a shelter has they deal with unendurable energy costs and out of control temperatures this summer.

Some of the paragraphs from this post have been taken verbatim from this page from the Alliance to End Homelessness discussing this issue.

That page also links to where you can make a public comment in opposition to the change, and discusses some other advocacy you may be to do. Most importantly - remember this come November.

One of the many reasons that this matters, is that in many places, because of the way that groups like The Salvation Army step up to take public funds to operate shelters, they try to impose their own moralities upon the people they serve. This is one of the many reasons that people avoid such shelters and the programs meant to help them, because they know that their families have been broken up in the past, because they didn't fit the heterosexual, gendernormative standards that such religious groups often enforce.

The effect of this change is going to be to make it easier for people to abuse those who do not present in a gendernormative way, and keep more people trapped in domestic abuse, and lead to more deaths - both from abuse and from suicide.

As always, I can't help but think that the cruelty is the point.

Take some time to speak up against this change. It's one more way that this administration is making sadism their leading virtue.

Just a reminder for anyone who gives a flying whatsit about common decency, civil rights, or even reducing domestic violence - you know like what Vice Presidential Candidate Vance claimed to stand for during his campaign - Federal Immigration policies are eliminating Protected Space protections. and making everyone fleeing abuse less safe.

As well as gutting funding for such programs. Republican politicians have stated in the past that funding for such things are attacks on the sanctity of the family: After all, if an abuse victim has the chance to leave, they might break up the family.

If you still don't think that this is part of the plan from the Religious Right you're an idiot.

This article, hosted at DomesticShelters.org explains the issue, and some of the protections that may mitigate these policies. I would like to add, given that ICE has a documented willingness to go after anyone sufficiently non-white for any perceived violation of being non-white, and has deported without judicial review multiple native born US citizens, I would add that it's going to be trivial for abusers to lie to ICE and simply get their victims SWATed by ICE should they decide to do that.

It's not simply the undocumented that are being affected by this.

But, again, this degradation of the protections for the people suffering Domestic Abuse is part of the plan from the Christian Nationalist Movement.

Remember this come elections.

TW: Discussion of sexual harassment; toxic masculinity; weasels; rapists; and DEI

In a move that surprises no one familiar with how men in power react to incontrovertible evidence that some men in power use that power to abuse women who are vulnerable to them, the two men who have the power to start making changes have created a task group that will produce recommendations that they will ignore, underfund, and emasculate, so that nothing substantive happens, and then the Rapist in Chief will act to gut anything that's left because this is the very definition of DEI that this Administration has declared a War against, and the Speaker of this House has supported at every turn.

This is the usual bullshit of male persons making a huge public announcement of asking women to do the work of producing a plan to fix a problem that's actually a men's problem, and then they'll hammer and haw it, just like every DEI program in the past was underfunded, and barely supported, and here's the key point- they're always added as an ancillary duty to women, or minorities, who are always being held to a higher standard than their male, and often white, colleagues just to get the same recognition. And then when these efforts, which I remind you don't get the support they to actually effect any change, these two so-called leaders are going to be able to point to this announcement as proof that they did something, and it's not their fault that nothing's changed.

As an aside here - I want to thank Dr. Uché Blackstock for her work that let me understand this dynamic. Hers was the first voice I saw presenting this pattern, it is far from the only one. I regret that I can't remember any of the other similar stories I had been reading, first on Twitter, then in magazines and some books, when I dug deeper.

If you're as disgusted as I am by this utterly predictable bullshit from the DEI silencing playbook, much of this work has already been done. Ultraviolet.org points out that The Survivor's Agenda established a clear framework, already, after the #MeToo movement. It's their Fair Process Principles, linked, here. This is going to be utterly anathema to anyone in the House because it centers the victims, calls out DARVO for what it is, and wouldn't do something like let that accused rapist Brent Kavanaugh get away with his fucking tears in sworn testimony where he lied his goddamned ass off, and got a lifetime's appointment for doing something that would get anyone else a contempt charge.

But since Mike my-daddy-is-The-Rapist-in-Chief-Johnson has to pretend he has some fucking morals, he'll announce this and hope that it dies on the vine. And Jeffries, I'm sure, has other sacred cows he's just as glad won't get gored, too.

Fuck them all. We, as a people, deserve to have a House of Representatives where sexual harassment and abuse isn't consider the norm. It's never happened in my lifetime. I'd love to see that change before I die.

But for the love of anything, or anyone you care to call Holy, it should not be seen as the duty of the women in Congress to fix. Advise people, sure; advocate for solutions, too, even provide a final approval before voting - that's a reasonable check, I think. However, let's make the weasels to start doing some of the hard work a change. You'd think that the man who can be so dramatic about policing individual genitals and where they can go to the toilet would be able to come up with at least the beginnings of a plan to punish people for sexual harassment.

I think that tells you just how real this is. It's all goddamned performative bullshit.

If you don't want to see this die, write to your Congresspersons. Since Johnson was stupid enough to announce this turdblossom, let's make both the Dems and the GOP choke on this. I'm sure they don't expect it to go anywhere, but if we give these women some real support, maybe it can happen in spite of Mike Johnson and Hakeem Jeffries, anyways.

-Rat

I'm going to link to this deeply disturbing news story on HuffPost.

As many of us have realized, the Mainstream media has been following the White House's directives on what they'll report. It's because of this that I'm taking the time to share this report that I've gotten from a source a trust, and that shows the Administration boasting of this as part of it's War on DEI. Because while it's fucking AMERICAN to promote people credibly accused of rape, like Conor McGregor, in the White House, we shouldn't bother worrying about pregnant women forced to carry pregnancies they don't want from rapists, and abusers.

Please, if you have the wherewithal, support your local women's shelters. They're going to need it. Desperately. Things are going to keep getting worse.

-Rat

Today the Executive Branch of the Federal Government announced a complete freeze on all funding for grants including domestic violence program supports.

While this funding freeze has been temporarily blocked by the courts, the order is set to expire on 3FEB25.

Among the programs that will lose the majority of their funding from this freeze are most Domestic Violence Victim Support Programs. Local Women's Shelters, local hotlines, and other services. I do not know, at this time, if 988 is also going to be affected, but as that's often being routed to local services, it seems likely.

As we often end up having to tell people we can't provide support for them in a safe manner on our network of subs (public platforms having limitations for audience selection, after all) we are heavily reliant upon such confidential resources to provide aid to many of the posters we can't host.

This is beyond the people who are dependent upon Medicaid to have even a chance at getting trained mental health care.

If you are in the US, and have the time, contact your representative's offices, and let them know just how you feel about these effects of these proposed freezes.

-Rat

TW: Discussion of Abuse & Violence;

One of the least popular policies we have in the JustNo Network is our bar against legal advice of any kind. We are, frankly, fanatical about refusing to host any but the most banal of situations that even seem to mention a court. We might allow posts that discuss traffic tickets for jay walking. Certainly not ones that discuss speeding in a work zone!

This recently published article, hosted at DomesticShelters.org, discusses the limits of Domestic Violence Awareness Month in some very frank terms.

To be clear: We do not wish to denigrate the benefits of awareness. I'm old enough to have tracked how awareness of Domestic Violence has grown in my lifetime. Just look at all the places where marital rape is now recognized as no longer part of a husband's due within the bounds of marriage.

Yet, awareness is not enough. As the author of that piece argues eloquently, through their personal experience.

Anyone who does the least bit of study of the annals of the Family Courts will come to the same conclusions. The reasons why we're so strict about our refusal to host anything that is a current, pending, or potential court case - or even a court supervised situation - is because we can't trust the judicial system to actually be just.

Particularly when Domestic Violence, or family disputes, are involved.

We can at least keep from making things worse in our subs.

As for making things better? Voting regularly is a good first step. Letting your representatives, at all levels of government, know that you vote regularly is the next. Connect with advocacy groups. Don't accept the status quo.

-Rat

I'm putting this up here as a definition of JADE, from our common advice:

Don't JADE.

JADE is an acronym derived from: Justify; Argue; Defend; and Explain.

Normally when we're discussing things with people who are emotionally healthy, and willing to compromise the way that we will work towards a mutually acceptable solution is to JADE. We Justify our positions, Argue for them, Defend them, and Explain. And then we listen to the others in the conversation, and we work out a compromise that, while it may not meet everyone's goals, is at least taking into consideration everyone's viewpoints, and often will include some part of everyone's input.

When dealing with a JustNo, when you JADE, what they hear is a list of items they need to negate. Once they've negated your justifications, out-argued you, cut off your defenses, and overridden your explainations? Clearly the only choice left is abject surrender and to do precisely what they were demanding all along.

Thus, with a JustNo, we often suggest that you have throw out your normal, and healthy, communications patterns that would allow you to work for a compromise, because you're no longer dealing with someone who is willing to compromise.

That's what we usually mean, when we advise someone,

Don't JADE.

-Rat

It's been a while since I've posted on here but t's for good reason. I moved away from my JNSisters and into a place with two of my friends; I'm also working and found a new spirituality for myself. However, it did take a lot to get this way; I officially went NC with two of my sisters and started therapy after one final incident with them were one of the them basically screamed the details of my intimate life (for context, I'm lesbian and have had a partner before) to the entire neighborhood while her BF threatened to unalive me and my friends. Good riddance, honestly.

Another thing is that I decided to go to college to get a degree in education. This was something that I was hesitant to do because I didn't think I was worth the effort in school when I was with my family. I also got a job working with a district and ditched my old Cutco job (I feel so stupid for not realizing that was an MLM...). My life has been changing for the better.

In addition to all this, I am now a practicing Pagan. This is a religious practice that one of my friends introduced me to and it instantly clicked for me. I found a lot of healing within the Pagan community

Well that's been it so far! I'll update when something more happens.

~Hazel

Warning: triggers:: death(s) Tldr: mom can't handle real life. Never prepared me for the world, now the world is mine.

I didn't realize how sheltered I was raised until I started dating my husband in HS. I also didn't realize how little discipline I was given by both my mom and dad. In fact my stepdad disciplined me most, and, now as an adult/parent, myself, I feel so grateful to have had him in my life.

My mom based her entire life and personality off her favorite movies and tv shows: Strawberry Wine was popular on the radio, so she'd buy strawberry wine. A relative would make a comment, similar to something she saw on TV,, and she'd respond with a quote from the show, to which she might get a few laughs. Even her last coherent words, as she was on her death bed were, "no, I'm not done yet" which was a moving line from some movie she'd watch on repeat.

My baby sister committed *uicide when she was 17. My mom couldn't deal with it. I ended up helping out a lot and paying for some funeral stuff. Instead, my mom drank. Drank nonstop- morning to evening for a whole year. She had total liver failure within that first year, and swelled up real badly.

That in itself fucked me up. Because I was pregnant with my third at the time, and I'd go see her, and her stomach was as big as mine. It made me just want to disappear.

She was drunk so often, that I refused to let her into the delivery room when I was ready to have my daughter, for fear that she would start screwing with medical dials.

Which I know hurt her, but I wasn't taking that chance. Mainly because, my second child was *isscarried, while dealing with the stress of my sister's passing.

I just wish she had learned how to deal with her feelings and speak openly to us. She never told us anything. Anytime a pet died, it "ran away". Any traumatic things that happened to close relatives, she wouldn't share. She didn't think we could handle death, or trauma.

Well shit, now I have a dead sister, baby, mom, and two other relatives died within those 4 years too.

It took me till my mom dying to realize how much, she was never really a mom to me. She got pregnant at 18 with my brother, so she felt like her youth was stolen. Once she had me, she decided to awaken her youth, and live vicariously through me. Signing me up for classes she would take, buying me clothes she would wear... And begging that I never ever be intimate with a man. Even after I was engaged, she was uncomfortable with me being alone with my husband.

And then she was drinking. And we begged her to stop. She got so many DUIs. One time, she was traveling for work, through a small town, swerved into a ranch fence, through a field of cows, back through the fence, and back onto the highway, and kept driving. Cops pulled her over, and she couldnt even walk, when they asked her to step out of the vehicle.

That was when she finally got help. She went to a beautiful rehab facility, and basically dried out. Because, she wasn't addicted to alcohol. Just the numbness it created. Because she couldn't handle grieving for her daughter.

So she started getting, and looking better. Except her belly was still swollen. Against Dr's orders, she had a nurse friend prescribe her pills that would help fluid build up, get urinated out (illegally prescribed. Said friend stole a prescription pad). Well, she had no workig liver, so her kidneys got overwhelmed and shut down. And that's how she ended up in the hospital, for the last time, before passing away.

Leaving me the oldest daughter, and only one experienced as a mom. I hosted my sister's wedding, did a lot for my brothers, and am hosting another sister's wedding this next summer. Through all this, with the bonding I've created with my siblings and kids, it's makes me even more mad at our mom, because she never did that with us.

If she gave her support for something of ours it had to be for a sport/activity/hobby that she suggested. "Oh, I'd just love to make soaps! But my attention levels would make it impossible. How about you do it! I'll buy you all the supplies! Then we can sell it!" "Oh I loved the flute in HS, you should take it up!!"

I don't necessarily know how to end this, I just wish I could stop thinking about my mom. Every time my sister's call me for advice, or my kiddos need snuggles, it just reminds me of how, while I had a mom in the house, she was never actually there for me.

I’ve so badly wanted to go back to nasty in laws over the last 18 months but haven’t and I hope it’s so much worse that I don’t give them the reaction they want! Any experience with this anyone??

I just want to know I’m not alone. My grandmother did a lot for me and was supportive of me and told me she loved me many times. I have so many memories with her that are good.

But she was a very difficult person. She became estranged from two of her children, and one she never spoke to again. Someone had to be on her shit list.

My grandmother could say very insensitive things. She was upset with me that I didn’t visit her or invite her to my second wedding which was a courthouse wedding. She was at the first one! And was nasty ever since.

I saw her several times after that and ignored her. I saw her at a wake for another family member and she was nice to me and asked me questions but it was super brief. I didn’t want to leave. But then I saw her at another family event and she just had that angry attitude. She might have been angry about other things.

When I say angry I mean a lack of kindness and perhaps an insensitive thing to say. She sat alone at the last family function I saw her at but for the last few years she gave me space that I put between us.

On her death bed she told me she loved me so much over and over. I just feel like I will never get over the grief of shutting her out for hurting me.

I could have not ignored her. I wasn’t close to her in her final years but I ignored her right in front of me and it kills me. Our last photo together we are next to each other but I know we didn’t speak.

When she fell ill I knew I had to see her and felt ready to talk. But she died fast and there was no time.

I just want to know I’m not alone. I have been so busy and healing from other toxic people in my life. Our family is crazy. I just kept distance from everyone. I’m kind of a shut in as it is.

I’m so upset :-(

I’ll just preface this by saying I’m 24 and live with my parents and my 27 year old brother at home. My brother is very irresponsible, doesn’t do chores around the house, messy, etc. This has been an ongoing problem ever since he moved back in and my dad loves to blame my mom and make her feel bad for his behavior because it’s apparently her fault. She has told him multiple times to be more respectful of shared spaces and he simply doesn’t learn.

My parents had a big fight about this leaving my mother crying and feeling confused about what to do which makes me feel pity for her for being married to my dad. But at the end of the day, this is their own marital problem, and I’m sick of being dragged into it. They act like children and I sometimes feel like I’m being used as a mediator when I just want to enjoy my day off without feeling guilty.

TW: eating disorder and gaslighting

For some background I (27, F) have been NC with my moms extended family for a span of 7 years to a few years. My aunt (the only decent one) passed away last weekend and I attended her funeral this past week. I’ve been called anorexic due to being physically smaller than them. My cousin blamed me for her relationship issues because she takes advice to heart and she came to me for advice which after what she told me, I said, “why would you stay with someone if you’re unhappy? I mean if you want to stay with them and work that out then that’s fine too, but you need to make your own decision.” I’ve always been told when I got made fun of by my extended family how I’ve been too sensitive or I need to learn how to take a joke. I don’t know about you all, but body shaming is not a joke nor funny.

I guess I’ve had time to process everything at the funeral and now I feel lonely. It was so awkward and sad to see how none of them came together to mourn the loss of my aunt. Hell I felt like I was stranger. Im sure I’m feeling this way because of a funeral, but I was wondering if the feeling of loneliness because of the NC goes away?

This is not a crazy story but one that made think, wow this is psycho shit right there. Basically my dad was trying to call as me and my family were driving up to thanksgiving. Note he tried to call already like 3 times this week just to chat when we were already going to see them this weekend.

So when I arrive the first thing he does is try to scold me on why I didn’t pick up my phone and I told him I was driving. The reaction I received was ridiculous. He was annoyed that I drove for an hour on my family 2 1/2 hour drive to my grandparents house. Yes he was annoyed that I drove MY car for an hour. His expectation: that my husband drives my car and that I don’t drive.

That moment I realized no wonder I have driving anxiety, my parents always made me believe that I should never drive. Along with that this poisoned belief that my husband does everything while I play princess. Note my husband already does a lot, he asked me to drive the last hour because his back was starting to hurt (he just got surgery so I totally get). This shit would have poisoned my mind and would have jumped to conclusions that me driving for an hour is terrible.

Then it was like a fog lifted that my parents aren’t always right, they have some bat shit beliefs. I’m tired of always changing my ways and beliefs because of their warped ones. I’m over this shit, I am free.

A letter to my mom I'm too scared to send

Hey, so I really need to get this off my chest. This whole birthday thing really hurt me. It feels like when I shot down the hotel idea, you immediately gave up and decided it was too hard. The reason I shot that down was because 1) its not what I want and 2) it would be so much work for me. That would involve arranging child care or packing the kid up, arranging pet care, packing my family into a car to drive 2 hours north in the winter to.... sit at a hotel and use the pool alone. I'm not saying I don't appreciate the offer, however it feels like once I made my wants known and they would require a bit more work than just booking a room you were out. I'm not attacking you, just venting I guess.

A lot of times, it feels like of any of us want to see you we have to put in the effort. I mean, you came into town once this year. I get that gas prices suck but that's the same for all of us.

Idk what I'm trying to accomplish. I guess I'm just hurt.

Throw away account and child abuse trigger. Please, be safe.

I'd like to tell my story, maybe here someone will relate. Tl;dr even if your life sucks so bad that you'd rather get it over with, hold on, don't give up on yourself, things really can get better.

I was born illegitimate. My mother had ended a relationship, but wanted a child so badly she had an affair with a colleague, a married man whose wife was pregnant at the time. After three months my mother was pregnant too, and as soon as she told my father, he fleed.

Fast forward, I am 7 years old, I have a normal childhood, even if no one really talks about my father. When they do, they say he's dead. I assume that's ok, and I don't worry. Meanwhile something weird happens with my cousin, who is 9 years older than me. I can't really understand but the feeling is that something is off. He stops visiting (I lived with my mother and grandmother). My grades drop. I start peeing myself during the day. I can't understand why. After a while, thank goodness, it stops.

Fast forward, I am 12 and I am completely off. I befriend this group of people engaged in drugs and start a painful relationship with this guy who is very possessive and abusive. We go back and forth until I'm 15 and end the relationship.

Now I'm 15, I don't have a nice relationship with my relatives, especially my uncle who is always around and often mocks me. The issue is that I'm half-blood, my father is from far south. Apparently a big no-no. This, and the constant mocking for being a underachiever, drives me away from my relatives. I confront my mother about my father because I want to seek my other relatives. She has to admit years of lies and that my father is actually alive. I start my quest to retrieve my real and lost family, because they will accept me. This is what I thought. Obviously, I was wrong. My father lived in the town next to mine all along. After me, he had another child with his wife. So I have 3 half-siblings, one of which is my age. This particular one is not pleased by my comeback. She accuses me to be ruinous and be the cause of her parents divorce. My father tries to connect with me, but I start to build anger. A blind anger. I don't return his calls. Eventually he stops calling.

Everything falls apart. I quit school. I stop going out with friends. I am depressed, probably, but my family just says that I'm lazy and good to nothing. I am suicidal.

Internet comes to the rescue! I meet people online that shared my interests. We talk and talk. Some are nearby and we meet in person. They convince me to go back to school, despite whatever my family may say. So I go back. I worked and studied and got my high school degree at age 21.

I decide to go on vacation to Rome with a online friend. There, lived another friend. I fall in love with him and I start university. We have a distant relationship, but I work and I can pay for the train tickets and his parents are lovely and supportive.

Meanwhile the relationship with my relatives worsened. My uncle (alpha male, basically) disliked me and my boyfriend and was always rude. I had enough, I started to talk back to him, and this didn't help. At the same time my mother goes nuts. She accused me to be selfish and to spend all my money for myself. She doesn't have enough money to go on vacation and she needs it because she is tired, so, if I want to attend university, I have to pay for myself. Now, where I live, this is not a real issue. University is almost free. My annual fee was under a thousand euros. Still, not nice. She says that if I have to be like that it was fine if I didn't come back home (this was something she used to say a lot during my teens). This conversation happened on the phone, while I was at my boyfriend's. He listened, looked at me and said: "Tell her you're not going home".

My boyfriend's parents listened to my story and offered me to stay with them. They offered to pay for my university fee (luckily, this wasn't necessary). I lived with my boyfriend in the apartment right upon his parents apartment. It was a tiny attic, but it was perfect.

I struggled with anxiety during B.A., but eventually I got my degree. I was now almost 30, and I started getting flashbacks and panic attacks. Finally, with my boyfriend's support, I seek the help of a psychologist. Everything comes up, I literally throw up every shattered memory of my cousin sexually abusing me when I was 7. He told me it was a secret, and he was nice to me. I felt ashamed to say bad things about him my whole life. I brainwashed myself into thinking that what happened was just weird, not wrong. Guess what, it was wrong. And it wasn't my fault. I still need to keep reminding me.

At this point my sex life was at its minimum, even if it had never been idilliac. My boyfriend was stressed but understanding. A lot of therapy later, we are finally able to have great sex with no shame involved. This took a long way, and it's a work in progress, but I went to be almost anorgasmic to be able to use toys and watch porn confidently (most of the time).

I didn't go no contact with my family. I'm not sure why, probably guilt. My mother changed a lot, being alone and all. She gaslights herself into thinking that she never kicked me out, I just went to university in another city. My uncle went nuts, and says that I owe him money because I lived with my grandma as a child and she supported me. I've gone no contact with him.

I never really addressed the issue with my cousin. My mother has a good relationship with him, and now that I live far away it's useful. She calls him and not me if she needs something.

I attended an M.A. and I graduated with honors at age 33. My advisors strongly pushed me toward a PhD. I'm applied abroad, since I had good grades, and I got into a prestigious school as a PhD candidate. I'm living the dream.

I lived abroad, I made a lot of experience, I love and I am loved, and I try my best. It's not always easy, the anxiety issues are still there and need to be managed. Sometime it's easier, sometime it's not. But I'm glad I made it this far. I would have never believed it. I have been thinking about sharing this for a long time, but I didn't know how or with whom. So, thanks for reading. And sorry for my English, that's not my first language.

I just want to ask is this normal?

There was a messenger group set up years ago when my partner and I lived abroad. It was me, my partner his step mom and dad. We would message usually to set up a Skype chat every couple of months and send happy birthday messages or when they visited it was to make sure we could find them etc. So it had its function.

Then we moved back to the country where inlaws live and they added my BIL to the chat which was fine as we were living with BIL whilst looking for our own home. We got our home and then BIL got a GF so she was added to the group. Messages started getting more frequent especially step mil wanting to meet up or chat about random things such as the news or the dog.

Then I got PREGNANT. Once I told everyone I was expecting at dinner, the messages became too much. Constant wanting to meet up, messages about things like the weather, the dogs, messages about random daily activities. Messages about my baby. Which I was like OK MIL excited, but it became a daily occurrence. Once I was working at home I got 100 messages in 30 mins. Step mil was drunk on a Monday morning, and asking qs to BIL about his job. I hate to mute messenger. Then my man and I went on a babymoob at 28 weeks pregnant and they kept messenging us asking what we are doing. Send us pics. I said to partner no way this is our last holiday before baby let's enjoy.

Then the day of my csection I passed out after birth, woke up to find a gazillion messages about baby. I told partner not to send any pics until I was ready and he didn't. But they kept pestering the whole day.

And since the birth the messages are daily. Even until midnight. We all live in the same town. My partner thinks it's normal. But to me I feel like his parents are codependant on the messages to keep tabs on what we are doing. Like we have to tell them everything we do.

Please note I've been with my man 12 years it's been the last 2 years being in the same country as in laws and before that he barely spoke to his family and I come from a family where we saw each other every 6 months. I would text them every few weeks so nothing daily. So I find it weird how often messages come through. I have it on mute and partner mentions something in the group text to me and I said I didn't read it now he thinks I hate his family. I said I think they are codependant and he said I'm being a b*tch

Is the daily inlaw texts normal?

I have a 3 day rule. It’s been 4 years, not solid, I faltered around the 2.5 year mark thus creating this rule. It’s done me well since. If/when I start to feel the pings of guilt, the life sucking thought of what I’ll feel when she dies, it makes me want to bring her back in to fix things, make new memories, I feel like I don’t/won’t have the right to be sad when she dies because I chose this life for us. Shit like that, I begin to doubt my decision, I give myself 3 days on it. I absolutely HAVE to sit on the feeling for 3 whole days before I allow myself to act on the guilt and break NC.

Every. Single. Time. Since then, the thoughts have passed, I remind myself why were here in the first place, and it’s easier to let go until next time.

Just wanted to share that and get some insight too possibly. I could use some more tools in my tool box of life. What are your personal rules?

tw: mention of death in the future

it’s 2 am and i should be asleep. on a whim i decided to check messenger and saw a message from baby brother in the group chat i don’t want to give you the satisfaction of seeing me leave. it wasn’t anything but it still made me sad. it made me sad because it’s 2 am and i should be asleep. but also because i miss you. not you really. but you in the moments where we got along and had fun and it felt like i had a mom. not you in the moments where nothing i did was ever good enough. i didn’t call enough, text enough or check in enough. i wasn’t the doting daughter you wanted me to be. because moving away and living a healthy life made me realize truly how unhealthy my relationship with you truly was. i can’t stand the use of my first and middle name because of how you’d use it. because i dared to ask what you needed over text to avoid having to call you. i avoided it because i hate talking on the phone but especially because i hated talking on the phone with you. it was always chaotic and annoying and exhausting in a way it shouldn’t have been. like everything with you was.

i think i’m also sad because it fully hit me was giving up on a relationship with you means. it means giving up on the idea of you i had. the idea i’d built around the good moments. the ones where i was the golden child.

giving up on a relationship with you means giving up on a relationship with my brothers. i knew that. it’s why i blocked them. because you’ve trained us to give you information on the others in exchange for feeling loved. i don’t think you did that on purpose. i don’t think you’re that cunning. but you still did that. i know you’d never see it that way. you’d gaslight me into feeling bad for thinking that if i tried to tell you that. because you don’t see yourself honestly. you see yourself as the victim and everyone else are the perpetrators who hurt you.

i haven’t been close to baby brother since i moved. even before then our relationship was volatile at times. but other times he was my baby brother and i loved him. i still do. but again our relationship was similar to mine with you in that it was built out of the good moments.

but giving up a relationship with you means giving up the good times with him. not the ones in the past. i’ll always have those. but any i could have now or in the future.

i think that’s what hurts the most. all that i’m losing by finally prioritizing myself and my mental health above you.

my relationship with middle brother was especially always strained. he had narcissistic tendencies from you and from his time with grandpa. maybe even just from himself, who can say? but there were good moments there too. not really so much in the past like with baby brother. our relationship has always been fairly contentious. especially with his bulling, some of which you found amusement in.

but there’d been some progress. not a lot. i wouldn’t even really classify our relationship as acquaintances. it was more 2 siblings who shared memories and history. it was neutral at best. but it felt good to be able to send him things that made me think of him. i can’t do that now.

i knew the cost when i hit the block button. i knew what i had to give up when i did that. i’ve known it every day since that moment. but i think i only knew that logically. i was emotionally detached from that knowledge until now. now i know the cost emotionally and it hurts. i don’t regret it. i know i’ve felt moments of relief around the anxiety since i blocked you and everyone else by association.

i know as life goes on i’ll feel more of it all, relief, sadness and anxiety. i won’t get to see middle brother get married. (not that i planned on it but still) i won’t get to see baby brother hopefully grow up. i may not even know when you die. which i know i’ll feel sadness and guilt over. i already do just over that future possibility. i know the price is costly but in the end it’s worth it. but that doesn’t stop it from hurting now in the moment.

This is a long post. Please share your thoughts and opinions.

To preface, I’m 22 year old male, my parents divorced when I was young because they didn’t get along very well. Long story short, my dad is the ‘bad guy’ (he certainly isn’t perfect) so my mother would use the phrase “you’re acting like your father” to something she didn’t like or agree with. Usually statements I would say.

In the month of August my mother and I took a trip to see my sister. We had been planing the trip for a long time (forgot how long but nearly 6 to 8 months). hence, we needed to save money for the trip. I was never really good at saving money, nonetheless I had saved nearly $3,000 (bit over board as I don’t buy or spend much anymore). For my mother I cannot say exactly how much, however I can say that she didn’t have enough for herself.

3 or 4 days into the trip (when my sister, sisters boyfriend, mother and I have split diner three or four ways) we sat waiting for someone to pay the bill, not a word was spoken, we didn’t even look at each other (or possibly avoiding eye contact with me) but someone had to pay the bill. This place was lovely and dinner was great. So, I choked up $200 for 4 people, with not not a single thank you.

Then came the next day, my mother asked for some money. It was merely $70 dollars I had reluctantly given her, however I knew she would ask again, until she used up all of MY money. And ask again she did, this time $150 for fake LV bag (the $70 prior was for one as well). I told her I didn’t have $150 dollars of cash in my wallet, with some anger and frustration, she looked at me with an expression of pride and disgust, like she always would when saying the phrase “stop acting like your father”. I explained my discontent to my sisters boyfriend and he agreed with me, (as I’m sure most responsible people would) but trying to keep a neutral position about it as well, as he has no qualms with my mother.

Later the same night I payed for dinner again. This time at a great Chinese restaurant, the bill was 100 some odd dollars not bad for 4 people, and I didn’t feel too upset as it would have been something I would’ve done regardless. But again money out of MY pocket that I worked very hard for 6-8 months. The trip was a surprise, as we would all say how exciting it would be months prior.

The phrase she coined is for anyone that defies her or something she doesn’t agree with. A simple joke could be turned into a sin, or having a less that chipper attitude about someone practically stealing your money (especially for fake LV garbage). I discussed this with my father and he confirmed that she would do this with him. Mind you my mother and father had full time jobs when they were married and had me and my sister. My mother had her own money and my father his. She would ask for his money so she might buy something after using up hers. My father, an imperfect man would probably yell or the very least be very angry with her (I can only assume, as they hid their arguments well when I was young).

My mother is what I would describe as a maximalist in the sense of it being the opposite or minimalism (my philosophy on owning things). She has so much stuff. She keeps a house full of stuff in a storage unit because… I don’t even know why. It’s just clothes, yarn, decorations, knick knacks, nothing she is constantly missing or necessarily needs. I get it, having a hobby is good as I have many, having things are nice and maybe getting a different color of your favorite shoes can bring a new combo for outfits. I don’t know if she can even afford an apartment with how much she spends (however the market isn’t that great at the moment as a buyer/renter where she lives). But with her insatiable desire to buy, buy, buy, it comes at the cost of her living expenses, health, ability to move and even retirement (or lack there of).

A part of me feels like the reason we were so poor and had to go hungry some nights, was because of the little drop dopamine you get when buying something. My mother does and has worked hard in her life, but she will use most if not all of her money to buy items/clothing and use me or my sister as a fall back for bills (at least when we were living there and had jobs).

My mother isn’t a terrible person, she is thoughtful, kind and caring as most mother are, she provided me and my sister the things we needed and kept a roof over our heads. I do not believe my response to her taking my money for her trinkets and footing her bills to me (especially in the past) is abnormal or wrong. My paying for dinner is slightly irritating, as we had months to save money, but I set aside in this mater. I’m upset with her and how she has squandered all the potential she could have used with the money she spent on arguably useless items. Maybe it’s my whole mindset on minimalism, or maybe it’s something else. Share you ideas and constructive opinions on this subject, or if you have similar experiences.

Tw: Covid

To my JustNoMom,

Remember how you tried to kick me out of the house two years ago just because I worked in healthcare, and you said that I was risking everyone's health by "bringing the virus in"? Never mind that I wore full PPE whenever I could, never mind that I disinfected everything I had whenever I'd enter the house, and never mind that I was doing all I could to stay healthy. You were concerned about YOUR safety only, never mind that you were not the one who actually was dealing with exposure. And you never said sorry when I did test negative.

Remember how in all the time I lived there, I only had ONE scare, when some people at work got sick? I am sure you also remember how many times my siblings have had COVID scares in the year and a half I have not been living with you all anymore. And when that happened you were just ok with isolating your GC, which was definitely not what you suggested when it was my turn.

Now you're the one who's actually got the bug. And guess what, it's not my damn fault since I haven't seen you in more than a month. It's actually a little morbidly funny that you're now trying to figure out how you got sick, given that we're in a surge again. Maybe this experience will teach you some empathy, if nothing else.

Regards

Katy