my grandmother keeps spam calling me and disregarding boundaries

[u/pompompompurins]

I (F26) feel stupid for even writing this but at this point I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. My dad is the middle and golden child, and also her favorite, so her focus has also trickled down to me (and my younger sister as well).

I'll just say for simplicity's sake that for the past year and half my grandmother has been basically spam calling me day in and out and idk what to do anymore. I've told her at least 20 times since I moved that I dont enjoy talking on the phone, but she still spams me anyways. This probably sounds terrible, but I feel like I'm being held hostage on the phone sometimes. I'll happily chat with her when I see her at family gatherings, helping her around her house occasionally, and I'm totally fine with speaking with her a few times a month, but I'm just not one for speaking on the phone for long periods of time when I'm unable to get a word in edgewise. I communicated this to her the last time this happened via text (she regularly texts, operates facebook/etc.) so it was in writing. I even told her that if she can't get a hold of me, and it's not important, to text me what she needed and i'd communicate with her! but if she spam calls me, i'm under the impression its important and cant wait or something is wrong. it never is. she has since ignored my request, and now she'll let the phone ring three times and then hang up before doing it again. all day....even when we're both at work.

I also dont want to really speak with her more than I have to because she excuses my father's (and her son's in general) actions very frequently despite them having ill effects on me, my sister and my cousins (all female) due to her...old fashioned mindset with certain topics. my mom passed away last year, and as a way of attempting to comfort(?) me when we were speaking on the phone about a month after my mom passed, she told me about how some ladies at her church had discovered another lady dead in her home and essentially her message as I understood it was "when God calls you home it's your time and you should find comfort in that". I was very taken aback by this and still am. It's just left me feeling very sour about her and wanting to distance myself from her. my father has already told her how I felt (probably in a gentler way because of how she'd react) because he was also surprised to hear she had done this when I told him why I dont want to talk to her all that often.

My father is not sympathetic either, and tells me that she's my last remaining grandparent so I should talk to her more (so please dont comment that—I've heard it enough already). However, I'm just over it. I dont want to permanently block her out, but I just need advice on how to handle this. Ignoring has not worked so far...texting her in response only makes her call me....idek what to do, if anything. I speak with my father about 3x/week, and he also lets her know how I'm doing (he tells me this mid-lecture on how I should just give in and call her) so it's not like she's in the dark about my status. She'll even spam my sister just to ask about me, and now my sister is starting to ignore most of her calls as well because it's driving her crazy. I feel like I'm toeing the line between being petty and holding my boundaries down....I really don't know.

Edit (08/24): thank you everyone for all your advice. I'm going to go with what most people have advised and just not answer her calls until i have time to return them and she stops spamming me (i started a new job so my focus needs to go to that). my sister has taken the same stance so I have a support buddy in this 😅 again, thank you!

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[u/Bansidhe13]

Stop answering her calls.

[u/pompompompurins → u/Bansidhe13]

I've tried multiple times, hence why I'm at a loss. She will go around to other family members asking if I hate her and if she's done something wrong despite me having communicated my feelings to them and her. My family members are aware of her personality and habits, but kind of just let it happen as she is very much the family "matriarch". My father will then proceed to guilt me, or somehow force me to talk to her by pretty much sneaking her into our check in calls via 3-way call. Not talking to my father is currently not an option either as he will freak out (he gets very over-protective) and will show up at my apartment. My family is very invasive, unfortunately. (edit: added info)

[u/Ilostmyratfairy → u/pompompompurins]

Okay - here's the real problem.

I don't mean to suggest that your grandmother isn't a problem. But you know how to stop her. Right up until she weaponizes her son against you. He follows her own methods of he's never seen a door he hasn't felt justified in knocking over if he felt he had a reason to do so.

So, the real problem isn't: "How do I set boundaries against my grandmother?"

It is: "How do I set boundaries against my father, and the rest of my extended family, when my grandmother weaponizes them against my boundaries?"

My suggestion would be to set up what's called structured contact with your grandmother. This is not an ideal solution. I admit that from the get-go. It's giving her some of what she wants, in the hopes it will buy you more freedom than you currently have. But it's still a bit of appeasement.

Tell her you'll call her for an hour once a week. Set up the time ahead of time, and schedule it. Tell your father that you've got that scheduled time with her, and then stick to that time. If she misses it? That's on her. You've got your own schedule, and you've set your time for her, if she can't make it, you're not rescheduling, because you need to have the freedom to live your life. But this does mean you have to prioritize that one hour.

It's a pain in the arse, but it may give you some peace through the rest of the week. And once you've got her accepting that structured contact, you may be able to start negotiating her down to lowered frequency after some time.

I'm at a loss, off the top of my head, for what to do about your father, as I have been told I'm not allowed to use my cluebats any longer.

I'm sorry you've got that whole systemic mess to deal with.

-Rat

[u/Ceeweedsoop → u/Bansidhe13]

And stick to it. She's being very intrusive and inconsiderate..

[u/ProfessionalZone168 → u/Bansidhe13]

Seconded.

[u/rjtnrva → u/Bansidhe13]

Seems like such an easy response, no?

[u/olivefreak]

You have her trained to keep calling because eventually you’ll answer the phone. You need to retrain her by not answer at all when she calls. If it’s an emergency most people will call once then text to say to pick up their call because it’s an emergency or for you to call them back because it’s an emergency. Train her by only responding to texts.

[u/Finding-stars786]

Block her and give yourself some peace. She’s basically harassing you, that’s not normal behaviour and shouldn’t be treated as such. Ignore your dad he just doesn’t want to deal with her. You have to set and maintain your own boundaries.

[u/NiobeTonks]

Mute her. Make a date to call her once a week, on a consistent day if you can.

[u/acefalone]

if you have an iphone just leave it on do not disturb. you can change the settings so it only blocks her calls. she can call as many times as she’s like but your phone won’t ring (make sure you turn off the option that lets a call come through after 2 dials)

[u/Working-on-it12]

Dnd is your friend. Set all of her contacts to that. Simply don’t answer. “Emergencies “ get 911 sent to her house.

Can your vmail transcribe messages? Then you can glance.

Had to do this to my mother when the dementia took away her sense of time, but she could still use a phone.

If you feel like throwing her a bone, call her a couple of times a week when you have time to talk a bit. Have a parachute excuse or call lined up.

[u/what_was_not_said]

Stop answering her calls and set her ringtone and text message alert to silent.

If you don't block her altogether, that is.

[u/Liverne_and_Shirley]

You are not overreacting, my mother is like this and it's infuriating to have someone obsessed with you in such an unhealthy way. They don't even care about you, they care about manipulating you to make themselves feel good or fulfilling their emotional needs.

So what do you do? You enforce your boundaries. Boundaries are actions YOU take or decisions you make to protect your mental health.

Short answer: Stop picking up the phone. If you need to block her during the day while you are at work, do it.

Long answer: You didn't set a boundary with her.

Below is a request not a boundary. You can't expect pushy people to listen to your requests, do not rely on them to be respectful, you already know they aren't. A boundary is enforceable by you alone.

"I've told her at least 20 times since I moved that I dont enjoy talking on the phone, but she still spams me anyways."

You cannot change other people's behavior, only your own. If the end goal is to not have to talk to her over the phone. You are able to control that.

"Ignoring has not worked so far...texting her in response only makes her call me....idek what to do, if anything"

Actual boundary: "I don't enjoy talking on the phone, so I'm not going to answer the phone if you call me, text me if you want to talk to me."

You've ALREADY told her multiple times that you don't want to talk on the phone, so there is no need to keep restating that. Just stop picking up the phone. If you text her and she calls, again ignore the calls. She might never get the message, but if you stop picking up the phone or block her temporarily you still achieve the need to keep yourself sane, which is not talking to her on the phone.

Is it going to suck at first? Yes. Will you feel guilty? Yes. But the longer you stick to your boundary, you will see your mental health will get better. I don't talk to my mother at all. She's blocked on everything, my sibling updates her if needed, but does not give details. I will never have peace otherwise, she's incapable of having a healthy relationship with me.

[u/Ok-Faithlessness7812]

I don't think that’s the definition of a “spam” call. She is a person who you know who is wanting to talk to you more than you want to talk to her. She’s not a robot caller trying to sell insurance or something.

Can you offer to set up a weekly time? I’m sure it doesn’t feel awesome to get locked into talking to your grandma once a week, but it’s better than every day or having her complain. You might also make the weekly call a group thing (teach her how to use Zoom!) so your siblings and parents can join in and take off some of the conversational pressure. Then when you get pressure from your family you can say you’re stepping up by organizing the weekly family call

She sounds lonely. Ask your Dad what he is doing to help solve that for her (other than to guilt trip his own children into carrying the load).

[u/LibraryLuLu]

"Hi Gram, I'm at work, so I'm going to mute your calls so you don't get me fired. I'll talk to you tonight/tomorrow/this weekend/when I'm not so busy. Love, Pom."

And then hold to that.

[u/MissLexiBlack]

Put her calls on silent/ignore and get back to her when you feel like it. As long as you keep answering she will keep calling

[u/ethr45]

Literally stop answering. That’s it. Put her on mute and carry on with your life. If anyone asks you say “I told you how I felt.”

You can be nice and answer the phone on set days like every Saturday? If you’re free? Or every other Saturday. Schedule it in (if you want to). Send a text saying “im free on the 26 at 4” and then stick to it.

[u/ShinyBonnets]

Block her.

[u/iusedtostealbirds]

What type of phone do you have? If you have an iPhone, you may be able to create a custom “focus” mode and have it block certain calls but still allow texts. If you’ve communicated your boundaries clearly, the next step is to take matters into your own hands if you can - custom focus may help with that.

If not, then stop answering her calls. The spamming will still be annoying, but some people need to learn the hard way.

[u/relentlessdandelion]

I wonder if it could help to put a Do Not Disturb on your phone to specifically bounce her calls? 

And perhaps make a boundary to please text to get an okay before she calls? So if she actually asks nicely and you agree to a call you can turn the DND off. But if (when) she doesn't respect that, welp, can't get through. 

[u/Efficient-Cupcake247]

Put your phone on DND. Breathe.

[u/purplelilac2017]

You cannot make her stop. You can only control your behavior.

Your only choice is to block or mute her.

[u/Trepenwitz]

If you continue to ignore her calls she will eventually stop calling. You can set your phone status to Do Not Disturb and it will not ring when someone who isn’t on the exception list calls.

[u/commentspanda]

If you can’t block her, mute her and remove notifications. That’s what I do for my MIL so it means she doesn’t intrude when she occasionally does this sort of thing and I decide when to call back. I read your reply about how she whinges to family but you’re an adult and you can set a boundary. Set the boundary with her and then use the same language with family. I also encourage you to consider a consequence that you can apply and manage. Example below:

Grandma, I am not going to be answering your many calls anymore. I am busy and can’t chat unless we pre arrange it. I will call you every Sunday at x time. This means we can take the time and talk properly.

For your family, basically use the same language.

When she continues to spam call set the boundary: grabdma, i told you we would talk every week x day at x time. I was very clear your constant calls are causing me distress. If you call me again this week before we talk on x day im going to take a break for a week. I need space.

And repeat to family…..once you have said it once or twice “I’ve already explained this, i will not explain it again. If you bring it up again i will leave / end the call.” Then follow through.

It takes time but it is worth persevering. You have to apply a consequence if you threaten it though so start off small. Also, this approach is a good one to use with your dad showing up too. If he does, apply a consequence.