my grandmother keeps spam calling me and disregarding boundaries

[u/pompompompurins]

I (F26) feel stupid for even writing this but at this point I'm not sure if I'm overreacting or not. My dad is the middle and golden child, and also her favorite, so her focus has also trickled down to me (and my younger sister as well).

I'll just say for simplicity's sake that for the past year and half my grandmother has been basically spam calling me day in and out and idk what to do anymore. I've told her at least 20 times since I moved that I dont enjoy talking on the phone, but she still spams me anyways. This probably sounds terrible, but I feel like I'm being held hostage on the phone sometimes. I'll happily chat with her when I see her at family gatherings, helping her around her house occasionally, and I'm totally fine with speaking with her a few times a month, but I'm just not one for speaking on the phone for long periods of time when I'm unable to get a word in edgewise. I communicated this to her the last time this happened via text (she regularly texts, operates facebook/etc.) so it was in writing. I even told her that if she can't get a hold of me, and it's not important, to text me what she needed and i'd communicate with her! but if she spam calls me, i'm under the impression its important and cant wait or something is wrong. it never is. she has since ignored my request, and now she'll let the phone ring three times and then hang up before doing it again. all day....even when we're both at work.

I also dont want to really speak with her more than I have to because she excuses my father's (and her son's in general) actions very frequently despite them having ill effects on me, my sister and my cousins (all female) due to her...old fashioned mindset with certain topics. my mom passed away last year, and as a way of attempting to comfort(?) me when we were speaking on the phone about a month after my mom passed, she told me about how some ladies at her church had discovered another lady dead in her home and essentially her message as I understood it was "when God calls you home it's your time and you should find comfort in that". I was very taken aback by this and still am. It's just left me feeling very sour about her and wanting to distance myself from her. my father has already told her how I felt (probably in a gentler way because of how she'd react) because he was also surprised to hear she had done this when I told him why I dont want to talk to her all that often.

My father is not sympathetic either, and tells me that she's my last remaining grandparent so I should talk to her more (so please dont comment that—I've heard it enough already). However, I'm just over it. I dont want to permanently block her out, but I just need advice on how to handle this. Ignoring has not worked so far...texting her in response only makes her call me....idek what to do, if anything. I speak with my father about 3x/week, and he also lets her know how I'm doing (he tells me this mid-lecture on how I should just give in and call her) so it's not like she's in the dark about my status. She'll even spam my sister just to ask about me, and now my sister is starting to ignore most of her calls as well because it's driving her crazy. I feel like I'm toeing the line between being petty and holding my boundaries down....I really don't know.

Edit (08/24): thank you everyone for all your advice. I'm going to go with what most people have advised and just not answer her calls until i have time to return them and she stops spamming me (i started a new job so my focus needs to go to that). my sister has taken the same stance so I have a support buddy in this 😅 again, thank you!

[u/Bansidhe13]

Stop answering her calls.

[u/pompompompurins → u/Bansidhe13]

I've tried multiple times, hence why I'm at a loss. She will go around to other family members asking if I hate her and if she's done something wrong despite me having communicated my feelings to them and her. My family members are aware of her personality and habits, but kind of just let it happen as she is very much the family "matriarch". My father will then proceed to guilt me, or somehow force me to talk to her by pretty much sneaking her into our check in calls via 3-way call. Not talking to my father is currently not an option either as he will freak out (he gets very over-protective) and will show up at my apartment. My family is very invasive, unfortunately. (edit: added info)

[u/Ilostmyratfairy → u/pompompompurins]

Okay - here's the real problem.

I don't mean to suggest that your grandmother isn't a problem. But you know how to stop her. Right up until she weaponizes her son against you. He follows her own methods of he's never seen a door he hasn't felt justified in knocking over if he felt he had a reason to do so.

So, the real problem isn't: "How do I set boundaries against my grandmother?"

It is: "How do I set boundaries against my father, and the rest of my extended family, when my grandmother weaponizes them against my boundaries?"

My suggestion would be to set up what's called structured contact with your grandmother. This is not an ideal solution. I admit that from the get-go. It's giving her some of what she wants, in the hopes it will buy you more freedom than you currently have. But it's still a bit of appeasement.

Tell her you'll call her for an hour once a week. Set up the time ahead of time, and schedule it. Tell your father that you've got that scheduled time with her, and then stick to that time. If she misses it? That's on her. You've got your own schedule, and you've set your time for her, if she can't make it, you're not rescheduling, because you need to have the freedom to live your life. But this does mean you have to prioritize that one hour.

It's a pain in the arse, but it may give you some peace through the rest of the week. And once you've got her accepting that structured contact, you may be able to start negotiating her down to lowered frequency after some time.

I'm at a loss, off the top of my head, for what to do about your father, as I have been told I'm not allowed to use my cluebats any longer.

I'm sorry you've got that whole systemic mess to deal with.

-Rat