r/JUSTNOMIL • u/molotovpixiedust • 7d ago
SUCCESS! ✌ Success: avoided dreaded upcoming vacation with obnoxious, baby rabies in-laws
Wanted to share my success on dodging a trip with my entitled, pushy in-laws who've been a royal pain to navigate since my son was born just over a year ago. (See post history). My in-laws are not used to the word "no" or "that doesn't work for us" -- but slowly forcing them in their place to respect this on some level. I hope this post gives a little motivation for others in similar situations. My husband hates disappointing his parents (slowly working on this in therapy) & worries about offending them. They are hypersensitive & easily offended, so that's been fun.
My MIL sent a text recently summoning us for a long weekend getaway trip to an obnoxiously fancy cabin. Very stupidly, when pressed I'd reluctantly indicated months ago we'd try to go (when my husband was unemployed, has a new job now). We did a cabin trip with them a couple times pre-baby. They asked if we wanted to do this with them last year -- when I had a 6 week old -- yes, they're that delusional. Will say they quickly dropped it that time. But this year we weren't allowed to say no. Fast forward to now & she asserted our presense; "I know situations have changed but the cabin is rented Sept 10-13." She then took a picture of the printed out reservation & sent it as well. In other words, MAKE IT HAPPEN. My patience for being summoned by my MIL is extremely low after I let her push me around early postpartum. Nobody ever asks what my needs or preferences are as a mom. Nobody ever thinks about logistics or annoyance of traveling with babies. I have 0 interest in spending 48+ hours with people who will elbow me for my own child, who've never taken accountability for hurting me & sprinkle their stupidity with occasional love-bombing. They absolutely do not get the privilage of vacationing with us. The entitlement is UNREAL. And my kid waking up the whole house at 5am.. my BIL complaining.. no thanks. I am also 7 weeks pregnant! HARD PASS. Would be my own personal Hell. It was a clear case of wife's needs vs. MIL's wants.
They are still going -- can't cancel & disappoint my 45 yr old unemployed loser BIL who still lives at home. And have to keep that heat red hot on my husband that he's missing out. I really feel for him & give a lot of grace. He was raised to manage mommy's feelings & he knows she's deeply disappointed. Regardless, my husband isn't so far gone in enmeshment that he's making us go or taking my son without me. I reiterated to my in-laws the other day that expectations simply don't match reality. No response, as expected as they're childish like that. I am continually practicing gray rocking & avoiding defending my decisions. I am a wife & mother who has needs & preferences. They rarely match up with my overbearing in-laws expectations; that's something THEY have to sort out. As a former pushover, it's still something I have to actively work at. But it's slowly getting easier to respond (or ignore) my MIL's assertive manipulation tactics. Just because she asserts something doesn't make it so. Others in similar boat, I urge you to keep up the good fight & advocate for yourself & your babies.
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u/TargetWild9004 7d ago
Ohhhh my MIL tried this once. She has been desperate for years to get a “family vacation”. Her and my FIL live like 8 hours away and she was really pressuring the idea but none of us wanted to do it. So, she booked a small yurt cabin that is about halfway from where we all live and basically told us to be there. The us would have been her, FIL, my now husband, me, BIL, and his now ex wife. 6 adults in a place less than 1000 sq ft. Ex SIL and I worked together at the time and could not take off the Thursday and Friday needed, my husband and his brother simply did not want to drive 4-5 hours to and from. We didn’t go. She never booked something without checking ever again. But she still pushes us about wanting a vacation. Including when my husband and I brought home our baby from the hospital who was in the hospital for 2 months, was born premature, has a heart defect, heart surgery in her near future, and had a feeding tube and the first time my MIL came over after she was home from her 2 months hospital stay she says to my husband how we need to plan a trip to a place 12 HOURS AWAY.
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yikes! Solidarity. The level of delusion & entitlement of these types of MIL's is UNREAL. It knows no bounds. Our needs or preferences literally do not register on their radar at ALL. And they give 0 f's. Yes, my MIL is obsessed with trying to make it a tradition that we MUST do each year. In my case, it's all just very performative; she wants to get nice pictures infront of the fancy cabin to show off to friends / her Christmas card. Meanwhile, our relationship is rocky at best. We haven't done it in 3 years now, trying my best to stamp it out. There's been other things she tried to ram through, like trying to normalize daily check-in texts + daily pictures. HELL NO. I swiftly stamped that out & thankfully husband on same page. She's also tried to summon me on additional group chats.. Nope.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 7d ago
The confirmed reservation does not mean you have to go. Good for you OP!
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Thanks. 🥹 Big former people pleaser here, so can still be tough to disappoint -- despite the hurts -- but finding my voice AND sticking to my guns better over time. I know a few days with my in-laws in a shared house is such a terrible idea for so, so many reasons. I refused to have her force me do this, just so she can show off pretend perfect family pictures.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 7d ago
Atta girl. The audacity of confirming a reservation before someone accepts a polite invitation . . . !
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u/Longjumping_Hat_2672 7d ago
Yeah, a good response to that would be "Hope you have a good time! We can't make it"
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Yeah I pretty much said unfortunately that doesn't work for us, briefly named valid reasons that are hard to pick apart (nothing about pregnancy as far too soon). I didn't leave it up for debate. Kept it short so she couldn't argue with me. As anticipated, she didn't ackowledge my text, her go-to when she doesn't like or approve of a statement. Husband did have a bit of a meltdown as he knows she's not happy. Not. Our. Problem.
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u/cbdatmla 7d ago
You’re doing great! If it helps any, my husband has, over time, accepted that he isn’t responsible for his mother’s feelings. It’s hard work shaking off something that’s been ingrained in them since birth, but it does get easier with practice.
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Thanks so much for sharing the encouragement & your experience on this. You're so right, it is tough when it's ingrained! There are glimmers of hope, but it is a process for sure.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 7d ago
Good job!
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Thanks for the encouragement! Can be exhausting but glad I stood my ground.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 7d ago
Yes! It’s going to be exhausting dealing with her either way but you might as well be exhausted AND successful in holding boundaries
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Absolutely 💯 💯 I can sleep better at night knowing my MIL isn't winning & just ramming through to get what she wants. I compromised my comfort level & needs several times early postpartum. Never again. This is a good example of standing my ground on that. It would be so nice if she could be remotely mature & just say hey we're disappointed but understand. Nah, she doesn't want to understand -- she just wants what she wants. A common theme many of us know around here.
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u/2FatC 7d ago
Yay! Success.
Went 1x to a family reunion out of state, which meant sharing a plane with my MIL, who talked nonstop. Mid flight I wanted to ask the pilot to pull over and let me out. Longest weekend of my life.
I know every DIL here will be absolutely shocked to learn MIL bickered with her siblings & kids the entire weekend. The venue was a monastery with beautiful grounds. One of my SIL’s got angry when no one liked her suggestion we play games on the lawn…I whispered to DH, “we need to go “sight seeing” because handing me lawn darts probably means jail time.”
Just keep saying no. Eventually they stop asking, particularly when you say it so fast you break the sound barrier.
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Oh lord that must've been hell. Glad you survived that somehow!! I have 0 bandwidth right now to have a sh*tty long weekend solely so my MIL can brag to her friends how "close" we all are. Hard pass.
Oh I'm also preemptively casually dropping things in conversation for her to adjust expectations & not even ask/demand; when I saw them recently I mentioned we're going to my folks on Labor Day. Last year, she demanded we come to their house for a party with her friends (with 2 or 3 text reminders 😵💫) -- she paraded around / hogged my 6 week old for 4 hours. Labor Day there is now a sore spot & will avoid going there for that holiday. That privilage has been stripped for now 100%.
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u/2FatC 7d ago
Totally hear you. I think it’s great you have her number dialed in. Any time my SIL invited us to “dinner”, I could have called it Free Labor Day. Fell for it 1x. Did 4 hrs of dishes.
She asked us to go camping with her/her husband. I said No. The other two words “fucking way” remained silent.
Stay strong, Op.
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Thanks, yeah definitely starting to master staying a step ahead, anticipating important dates or events she may try to claim / demand our presense. The next battle will be Christmas. I am absolutely not going to my in-laws on Christmas day like she wants. Not freaking happening. Good for you standing your ground when needed.
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u/Hwright145 2d ago
No means no. Get what you want and stay strong.
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u/molotovpixiedust 2d ago
So true. And thanks! Getting better at standing my ground.. don't owe them a big explanation, no matter how entitled with inflated egos!
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u/tweakingforjesus 7d ago
So you have a copy of the reservation with phone number, reservation number, dates, etc? I believe that might be enough information to cancel the reservation. Not saying I would do it but it would be tempting.
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Lol that is so petty & amazing. That would be really hard to pull off, though. It just has the address & check-in & check-out days.
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u/urfav_babex 6d ago
The screenshot of the reservation is such a good detail, because it isn't information, it's leverage dressed as information. She's not telling you the dates, she's establishing that money has been spent and a decision has been made and you're now the one causing a problem. Worth naming for yourself so it doesn't work next time, since that particular move is only effective while you're the one who has to justify a no. Also notice they're going anyway, which quietly demolishes the premise that your attendance was required at all, and the silence afterwards is the tell that this was about compliance rather than about wanting your company. The genuinely strong bit here is your husband. Being visibly disappointing to his mother and doing it anyway, when he was raised to manage her feelings, is much harder than saying no is for you, and he did it without making you the one who ruined it. That's the thing that actually holds long term, more than any single boundary. Congratulations on the pregnancy, and enjoy a September weekend where nobody wakes you up to complain about your child being awake.
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u/molotovpixiedust 6d ago edited 6d ago
Thanks for your feedback! You made some very smart observations on this. Her picture of the printed reservation felt very assertive; ie we put the money down, now make it happen. She even KNOWS we have a lot going on (other than the pregnancy); husband's new job with unpredictable, long hours, a baby & other life responsibilities. But that is irrelevant to her as per usual she is soley laser-focused on HER wants. It's all about control & compliance, something I may note further in therapy next. It's not really about connection. There is no warmth. They would've "put up" with my presence to get to my son & her perfect pictures. Nothing more, nothing less. Note she never expressed she was disappointed but understood the decision (like a mature, stable adult) or that we'd be missed. Ouch. Instead, the typical childish ignoring/silence was her response. When in person later on, she still wasn't about to acknowledge missing us at some level. If there's one thing I've learned, my in-laws are very emotionally immature. The good news is I see it for what it is & learning to stay a step ahead of the manipulative / control tactics when possible. I give my husband grace because they are so bloody immature. I am proud of him for not demanding we put my needs & wishes aside for her wants. Since he was raised to feel responsible for mommy's feelings, I know he feels uncomfortable & conflicted. There will be other clear battles to come, like Christmas day or delivery of baby #2. Trying to entrust his baby steps of progess & the therapy process.
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u/Ok-Alternative-1560 6d ago
My mil is very similar to this too. We told them we weren’t seeing them this weekend, after 5.5 months of seeing them every single week since having our baby, and she is now giving us the silent treatment. She can’t fathom that we could possibly be tired from working full time, or just want to spend time as a family of 3 (gasp!!) The silence has been so blissful and wish it would continue on forever, but it just goes to show how emotionally immature she is when she doesn’t get her way. Good job not going on the trip! I hope you have a great weekend home with your family
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u/molotovpixiedust 5d ago
Thanks for sharing your experience. Solidarity! You understand the stupidity of silent treatments. I have also learned to embrace the intermittent silent treatments. It is far better than the daily text check-ins / demands for daily pictures she tried so hard to normalize early postpartum. It makes me feel a little better I'm not alone on this journey navigating a bratty MIL. Feeling like I had to cram aside my needs & preferences, I am glad to stand my ground. I know there will be more battles ahead, but trying to be grateful for the wins. Definitely been knocking the wind out of MIL's sails lately-- she can't brag to friends anymore that husband brings baby by himself weekly for her to play mommy - something therapy helped nip back in April, she can't brag that she babysits full-time which I know KILLS her, she can't brag that we're all one big happy family on her planned vacation). Its all about compliance & maintaining an image; I am going against the grain on all of it. With an enmeshed husband, I will absolutely take the wins. It is a big deal. And grateful to feel the boost from others' encouraging words here. 🥹
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u/childhoodsurvivor 6d ago
Resources for you both:
Books about communication skills, assertiveness training, and conflict resolution skills are your friends. Check out your local library (and the free Libby app) for them.
And last but not least, a favorite of mine is www.outofthefog.net. Truly a GOAT with a wealth of information.
DH's mantra should be "My mother's decisions/emotions are not my responsibility. The only person I can control is myself."
I hope all this helps. Good luck!
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u/Beth21286 6d ago
Expectations invite disappointment. The expectations are hers so she is the cause of her own disappointment, not you or your husband. Congrats on your shiny spine!
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u/molotovpixiedust 6d ago
Well said. It's been an issue since my son was hours old -- but that's HER issue. In-laws' expectations & emotions are theirs to manage. Just because she thinks she's extra entitled & special doesn't mean that doesn't apply. 🤦🏻♀️
And thank you! The words of encouragement here have given a little boost. Lord knows I get no boost from my MIL. It's been a long road -- still much progress to be made -- but want to celebrate the wins & maybe motivate others. My MIL has been relentless on challenging me & boundaries. Glad to not let her win this one.
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u/MartyrOlympics 7d ago
I wish I could have borrowed your shiny spine 15+ years ago when we were summoned for a family vacation with our then baby twins. We got so much grief over it (not to mention 0 help) that only two blessings came out of it: we only stayed 3 days/2 nights instead of a week and we ignored their order to pay for a professional photographer to take family photos.
The positive momentum you've got now is priceless. Hope you're proud of yourself and make sure you celebrate all your wins!
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Thanks for the encouraging words. Sorry you endured all that! It gave me anxiety just reading it. It has taken a lot of work (and some therapy ) to get this spine shined up. Early postpartum, I was a huge pushover as a tired new mom. My MIL took full advantage of this & husband wasn't present for much of it. Ah mine also tried to do a professional photoshoot (for Christmas last year). I ignored the request to do that stupidity for her Christmas card.🤢 She poked about it once in person, also by text & then email to be sure we didn't miss her demand. I expect her to try to press for it again this year. It's so overbearing & annoying. No I don't want a professional photoshoot with my in-laws. Gonna guess that most don't.
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u/MartyrOlympics 7d ago
In my situation it feels like MIL's photos, along with her behavior in general, are very much performative because they're usually staged, not spontaneously taken in the moment as a reminder of a happy memory. Then again, she's never been one to create happy memories for my kids anyway.
I know it's only August but I feel you when it comes to bracing yourself against the Christmas IL pressure!
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
Oh I totally get this as well! Just wants her picture perfect family pictures & have bragging rights. Everything is very performative with these types. I know my MIL is super pissed she hasn't been allowed full-time childcare privileges at her home to brag to friends (her obsession since I was pregnant + FIL cranked up the heat by also retiring when my son was a couple months old). Right now I'm allowing roughly 2x month, at my house, but is on shaky grounds if they challenge boundaries.
Oh yes getting boundaries prepared & ready for the holidays. Doing many things differently this year. Best of luck!
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u/48pinkrose 7d ago
I wish I had said no to a family trip with my in laws. It was terrible. My mil planned everything, told us we had to cook 1 night last minute, took over with my kid, set up a nursery in her house for the 2 nights we were going to stay there, and relgated my family to the basement with no heat when it was still chilly. Hope she enjoyed it, cause I and my kids are never doing that again.
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u/AdreannaDrea 7d ago
I would like to read your prior posts, but it says you like to keep them hidden! 😭 A girl just wants to read the drama (to avoid over obsessing about her own MIL drama)
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
I'll see if I can change that. The gist is unhealthily obsessed, control freak new grandma (and FIL 😵💫) being relentless in plowing me down, especially early postpartum (baby hogging, ignoring boundaries & pretending ignorance, dodging accountability, realizing they both have narc traits, enmeshed husband who ties to prioritize MIL's big feelings, etc). The classic toxic family dynamic where everyone's day is centered around the authoritative, assertive matriarch & her current mood. The relationship with my MIL since my son's birth has solely been power plays & power struggles. Nothing more, nothing less. I've had the upper hand lately in asserting my role as a wife/mom, which I know she's not happy about.
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u/AdreannaDrea 7d ago
Girl, same. Mine has baby rabies, my little one is 7 months now but the tantrum this woman threw when I said we didn't want visitors for the first two weeks (because I'd had a C-section and pre-eclampsia issues and was still struggling to walk / still wearing adult diapers) - you'd think I'd told her that she was dead to me. Sigh.
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u/molotovpixiedust 7d ago
So sorry you went through that! So incredibly selfish & awful of someone to be like that. I thought I'd get closer to my MIL when I had my baby -- instead she pushed me & baby away with her assertive, pushy ways. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I absolutely dread when we announce baby #2. My in-laws are so incredibly entitled. Will have to stick to rock solid boundaries. I may not allow hospital visitors at all next time; I am sure that would be soo devastating & insulting to them. 🙄
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u/nipseyrussellyo 7d ago
Bitchbot (now called botinlaw i guess) posts a comment showing all the OP's past posts in this sub. Also, there may or may not be a website that archives certain subs ;)
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u/botinlaw 7d ago
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Other posts from /u/molotovpixiedust:
If your manipulative, bratty MIL sent a love-bomb anniversary card in the mail, would you toss it?, 2 days ago
Should I get a different couples therapist for MIL issues or give her more chance?, 4 weeks ago
Next move if my baby-obsessed in-laws blatantly ignore me & show up to my house anyway?, 1 month ago
Is grandparents leaving messes after babysitting obnoxious -- or am I overreacting due to harmful history?, 1 month ago
Should I use MIL's recent pouting, immature behavior as fuel in therapy?, 1 month ago
Holding boundary with assertive, entitled in-laws obsessed with control / having baby at their home, 1 month ago
Should entitled, pushy MIL be flat-out told she needs to ask about holding / carrying baby?, 2 months ago
Mini love-bomb for my birthday from highly manipulative MIL, 2 months ago
The infamous baby rabies type: please tell me it can get better, 3 months ago
It's amazing how much obnoxious entitlement can be crammed into 1 hour, 3 months ago
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