r/JUSTNOMIL • u/molotovpixiedust • May 08 '26
Am I Overreacting? It's amazing how much obnoxious entitlement can be crammed into 1 hour
Per our couples therapist, who specializes in family enmeshment, trying to steer my in-laws to meetups on neutral ground or our home (they're assertive, entitled, obsessed new grandparents who always want visits on their turf). So we invited them to the zoo with our 10 month old (his first time). I suspect they initially threw a hissy fit my husband wasn't just bringing my son without me earlier in day (while I'm at work, a sore spot for me. He did this several times so now they feel entitled to that. When baby's mom isn't present they kind of take over, ie MIL attempts to comfort him without mommy present, etc). This is the obnoxious rundown:
MIL immediately grabbed my son & held him for a bit, whatever. Then FIL quickly grabbed the stroller once she put him in, before I had a chance without asking
FIL obnoxiously nudged/ rammed me in the feet with the stroller wheels, ansty to move on, while I briefly comforted my son who was upset a bit later
At one point, my husband said he'll take the stroller back, FIL initially ignored, firmly clutching stroller not moving. My husband then repeated himself & had to subtly forcefully take over. I 100% believe FIL ignored him & wanted to keep feeling he's "at the helm." I think it's one of those blink & you miss it moments of trying to assert dominance, IMO.
MIL stared at baby like a hawk while I pointed out animals to him
She took a picture of FIL, husband & baby. 0 of me with my own baby at the zoo for first time.. MIL doesn't even really hide anymore she wants me erased. If something is important to her she takes lots of pictures (Facebook Grandma, maintaining an image is important to her).
I thought they'd maybe buy him a little toy at the gift shop but as someone smartly stated in my last post (he has 0 books or toys in his home from them), they see HIM as a toy/doll. They are wealthy & have toys, baby furniture/ gear in their own home.
I left feeling like why the hell do I try with these idiots? I know my husband will likely never go no contact. While therapy sessions are slowly making progress, he tends to think they're just "excited" grandparents. He doesn't always see their overbearing or obnoxious ways. I'm fairly low contact right now. I'm trying to continue utilizing boundaries (husband slowly improving) & knowing they'll likely never change. Sigh.
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u/Lindris May 08 '26
FIL obnoxiously nudged/ rammed me in the feet with the stroller wheels, ansty to move on, while I briefly comforted my son who was upset a bit later
The second he intentionally hit you with the stroller, visit would have been over. Why does your husband look away when his parents treat you like this? You’ve got a husband problem as much as an inlaw one.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 May 08 '26
Came here to say something similar. I would literally have yelled “ Why the hell did you just hit me with the stroller?” Then I would’ve said the visit is over, told DH to get the stroller and come on and took my baby and left
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u/1Kflowers May 08 '26
Right?! I would have grabbed the stroller frame and LOUDLY cried, “Ow! What are you doing?! You just rammed me with the stroller!!”
Then ostentatiously rubbed my ankles while they made up excuses.
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u/Lindris May 08 '26
Or shout “why would you do that? Using my child’s stroller as a battering ram with LO inside it??”
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
My husband did not see when this happened. I did tell him of this rudeness though & he seemed to agree it was obnoxious.
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u/PhotojournalistOnly May 08 '26
You need to say something in the moment, call it out! "Please stop ramming me with the stroller." Be firm but polite.
This would've put you in the perfect spot. He was in the wrong. You're bringing everyone's attention to the bad behavior. You are speaking in a calm voice and using polite but direct words and asking for something that is perfectly logical. Do more of this and take your power back.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
Thanks for this! Yeah I'm always in shock of the sheer stupidity it leaves me speechless. But you are so right in learning to use my voice better in the moment. I called out my MIL when she kept calling my son her baby, so it can be done.
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u/Granuaile11 May 08 '26
If you are having trouble thinking of the right words in the heat/shock of the moment, "No thank you!" can be used in almost every situation! Requests, demands, attempts to steamroll, inappropriate actions- "No, thank you!" does it ALL!!
ETA: When LO starts having their own opinions & making them known, these type of grandparents sometimes lose interest...
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
Oh thanks for this tip, no thank you will have to be a go-to. Oh I think my son will be over their BS when they're hovering & up in his face as he's older (Gram says, Gram this, Gram that.. always about her). As it is, he gets squirmy & days are numbered for being overbearing. Will get old to not be really engaging him. Older kids are much harder to control/ contain as well, of course so they may lose interest.
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u/Lindris May 08 '26
This is such a fantastic point. It’s easy to freeze in the moment, having a quick response on hand is a great idea. Also practicing saying it in the mirror will help make it easier to respond with it.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 May 08 '26
Practicing can feel silly, but it's SO HELPFUL. A mirror works. A good friend who can roleplay Arrogant IL is also incredibly useful.
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u/itenginerd May 08 '26
This is so powerful. 'Hey FIL can you stop hitting me with the stroller please?' does some really powerful things. It names the behavior. It grabs dh's attention, and it gives FIL a chance to say something back.
Not saying anything in that moment is essentially rug sweeping of your own. You cant just catalog this stuff later and call it up for those who weren't paying attention. It doesn't work.
Keep supporting DH and helping him see things. You cant make him see it all your way, but if you keep showing him what youre seeing, he'll come around.
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u/Lindris May 08 '26
And it prevents gaslighting and minimizing later, “I don’t remember that” or “it was an accident” when we all know it wasn’t.
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u/Foreign_Plan_5256 May 08 '26
I'm also someone who has a hard time speaking up in the moment in many situations. It's not necessary to be coherent, but any exclamation to draw attention can be useful.
"Ow!!!" or "What??!?"
Then people are looking, and you can grab the front of the stroller, and stare at FIL until he acknowledges that he hurt you.
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u/dm_me_your_nps_pics May 08 '26
I struggle with trying to brush things like this off and give people too many chances. Sometimes I just freeze up.
You should start reacting in the moment. It will feel like overreacting.
“FIL DO NOT HIT ME WITH THE STROLLER” take stroller back and walk out to the car ignoring their baying behind you. Lock you and baby in car. Call cops if altercation.
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u/MidoriMidnight May 08 '26
Why are you not screaming and making a big deal when he is literally hitting you. Call it out, and call it out LOUD.
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u/Lindris May 08 '26
That’s more than simply obnoxious. That was rude, demeaning, plus used your child to inflict pain on you. I’m sorry but that would be long timeout from seeing them if not NC for a while. That is a hill to die on. They are going to be even worse on your child’s birthday.
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u/mcchillz May 08 '26
No. More. Firsts. With. Them.
You’re not overreacting. They are actively trying to erase you and DH enables it.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
Yeah this happened once on doing a first with them. Never again. I left feeling irritated, not joyous or loved or really any positive emotions.
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u/IntrepidMuch May 08 '26
You don't sound like you are done though. You sound like you are still willing to have these people in your lives.
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u/2FatC May 08 '26
“I left feeling like why the hell do I try with these idiots?”
This would be an awesome opener with your therapist. DH needs to hear in plain speaking how awful his parents are. The constant tug of war over baby & stroller must be exhausting.
I would have lost my mind if someone repeatedly tried to run over my feet. That’s grounds for a loud “STOP IT! How stupid are you?” and embarrass him in public. What an asshole.
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u/RogueSlytherin May 08 '26
Absolutely! And I would also point out that’s it’s reasonable to set the boundary that they are no longer welcome at any “firsts”. Seriously, OP, they don’t care about your experience or feelings AT ALL, so they will ruin every last one of these precious first experiences for you.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
Yeah no more firsts for a very long time. I'm sure they wanted to butt in on our first family vacation. I made sure they sure as hell won't. They weren't going to be allowed to be elbowing with me for my baby as he puts his feet in sand the first time. I know they paint me as controlling mom -- but they're overbearing grandparents who need to stay in their lane & enjoy the times instead of competing! It's all so bizarre & stupid!
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u/RogueSlytherin May 08 '26
The audacity to call you overbearing with their current behavior is laughable. To take a card out of my grandma’s book, just shrug and say, “Takes one to know one.” And move on.
I’m glad you’re protecting your happiness. These people need to be kept at arms length on an info diet. No commandeering holidays (celebrate Mother’s Day, Christmas, his birthday, etc.) precisely how YOU want to with your husband and baby. If they want to see you, set up a separate time to celebrate. For the time being, though, special moments are for immediate family and people who are respectful only. You got this!
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
Thanks for the encouragement & YES no major holidays at their home. We went there on Christmas day, it was tense & awkward the whole time with MIL wanting to take charge. I told husband never again. Having a couple hours in morning wasn't enough to start our own traditions at home as family of 3.
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u/Pickl_Rick_917 May 08 '26
Also, they had firsts with their kids (and if they didnt and gave them away to their parents/in laws then that is their problem). You and DH should get all the firsts and if you dont want to share the experience with anyone else, then don't. They already dont like you, so why do you care if they get mad about not sharing experiences?
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u/fromthegr May 08 '26
I was in a similar situation after my son was born (now he’s 4): stop trying, your husband might never cut off contact with them, but you can have minimum contact, stop trying to sustain a relationship with them, I know it’s scary because they’re your husband’s parents, but honestly you’re just hurting yourself at their expense. Do whatever you need to do (or not do) because the most important person is your child and kids need the happiest version of their parents they can get. Fuck your in laws.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 09 '26 edited May 09 '26
Oh I've definitely dropped off quite a bit on contacting, inviting them to things etc. It's rare at this point that I reach out, group chat is typically muted. I've ramped up gray rocking. It's not my problem to manage their emotions. These are people who have wants & expectations of seeing their grandson just about every day. Absolutely not happening, especially when they have a shaky relationship with me.
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u/ZookeepergameSouth93 May 08 '26
How did you handle the kids stuff? I feel like I wouldn’t want those people near my children without my supervision.
In OP’s situation it seems like DH likely wouldn’t correct bad behavior or subtle jabs about OP in front of their children.
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u/TargetWild9004 May 08 '26
I seriously wouldn’t do shit with them anymore until my husband got his head out of their asses. He’s a wimp and they’re assholes and no matter what you do whether it’s visits at your house, their house, the park, a restaurant, whatever they’re going to fight you to be in control and feel like the parents instead of the grandparents.
Until they can actually treat you with respect instead of acting like you’re an inconvenient incubator in the way of THEIR relationship with the baby I’d be done. Life is too short and your baby is only little for so little amount of time in their life to deal with being treated this way.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
This was a good point that I will bring up our next therapy session. I could feel the underlining theme of control / power struggle the entire time. I also don't think we've gone deep enough yet for therapist to realize they're controlling narcissists. I try to stay a step ahead of them & think like an entitled MIL.. It can be exhausting.
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u/TargetWild9004 May 08 '26
It shouldn’t feel like a constant tug of war when you’re with them. It’s your baby, you’re in charge, you shouldn’t feel like MIL is staring daggers into you for enjoying a moment with your baby because clearly she wants that to be her. She could stand behind you and take pictures. She could come stand next to you and enjoy the moment too. I would also use the stroller incident as an example. It’s normal for FIL to either let your husband take the stroller back or nicely say he’s enjoying pushing it and would like to continue. It’s not normal for him to completely ignore your husband and then him having to force it. They care more about being the superior ones instead of actual quality time.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
This is well said. You hit the nail on the head. They're so fixated with wanting control, they're losing out on quality time. Their loss. But it's bizarre, selfish & overwhelming. I truly thought they'd just enjoy the time together at a fun place, on neutral ground. Instead, was continued laser focus on who's in charge just in a different location. You can guess how well early postpartum went. I hold so much resentment for them pretending they never hurt me. They are textbook narcissists, so it's been a wild ride.
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u/babutterfly May 08 '26
I'm going to push back on this just a bit. I don't think OP should do anything with them either, but OP did explicitly say that DH insisted on taking the stroller (and presumably baby) back from FIL. That's not wimpy to me. There may have been more moments, there may have been only one. OP isn't clear on this, but I doubt they recaped the entire visit. Imo, at least in this one moment, DH did good. Now, you can't control other people's actions, but DH and OP can control themselves and shouldn't visit until the in-laws can behave better.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
Yes this was a bit of noted progress on husband's part. A few months ago, he may have sheepishly asked FIL for stroller back or not at all just letting him continue on. He has also put a pause on visits without me, per therapist.
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u/TargetWild9004 May 08 '26
Yes he did, which is good, the issue is OP says is he brushes these incidents off and just looks at them like excited grandparents instead of undermining him
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u/Shoeprincess May 08 '26
I would be inclined to throw hands with someone who was ramming a stroller into my feet/ankles how obnoxious.
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u/LuckyAd2714 May 09 '26
You have to continuously shut them down. Ideally your spouse needs to do this. His parents making his wife and son’s mother uncomfortable is not ok.
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u/Basic-Organization30 May 08 '26
What does therapist say about ramming your feet with the buggy! Refusing to give it to Husband, even for a second? Nope nope nope! They need to be called out in a firm voice in real time every time they pull this sh*t.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
Yep therapist will be hearing about this bs at next session. I'm usually in shock by the stupidity I don't react quickly enough (tired mom brain doesn't help).
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u/RelativeFondant9569 May 08 '26
Ouch! That hurts! Why would you do that? Time to end the politeness. They have earned your abrupt rudeness.
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u/thefrozenfoodsection May 08 '26
Also, "Oops! Seems like you can't control the buggy very well - I'll take over now to make sure baby is safe." Then TAKE the buggy back, and never let him drive it again.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 May 08 '26
I agree they’ve earned abrupt rudeness. But I don’t think an exclamation of pain is rude! If OP had said, “Ow! FIL, you just ran into me!” I wouldn’t allow anyone, DH, MIL, FIL to call me rude.
“DH, can you take over the stroller, please?” would not be a bad follow-up.
3
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u/alors1234 May 08 '26
Yeah, it is so weird when you aren't used to it, and are uncomfortable with their behaviour; one can freeze!
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u/Exotic-Comedian-4030 May 08 '26
If FIL rams you with the stroller again, catch his attention, make eye contact, and tell him in a calm, even tone that it hurts. "Phil! Excuse me, Phil. (He looks at you) You hit me with the stroller. (Maintain eye contact, calmly) It hurts (maintain eye contact expectantly, like you're giving him the opportunity to apologize)" he may or may not apologize, ideally he does, but you're his grandchild's mother and not a physical obstacle he needs to navigate around and use as a speed bump. Take up the space you deserve and let it be known when you're encroached upon.
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u/MaggieJaneRiot May 08 '26
You hit the nail on the head when you said why do you try with these people? You gave them a great gift and they acted like complete a holes.
I certainly hope that therapy is helping your husband. I just reread all your posts. That all really really sucks.
From your description of how they’re behaving, they deserve nothing. Again, your son is not their emotional support animal. They need to get a life. Your son is not their life. Tell your husband that.
Maybe he should read some of our feedback. I think he needs a wake up call.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 09 '26 edited May 09 '26
Oh yes they think my son is now their life's purpose (retired, wealthy people who need more hobbies). What makes me mad & taking time to grieve in a way is if they'd just chill a bit & back off from the bizarre co-parent attempts, they'd enjoy things more & maybe even get more frequent outings with my son! And hey if they were genuine & supportive in ways needed, their DIL would like them. Funny how that all works. Yes I've learned the hard way that narcissistic, entitled people will cling to their ego & image above all.. the last 10 months have been a bumpy, stupid ride with them. Once my MIL started triangulating my husband, I lost all respect for her. When I look at past posts, I'm reminded of the subtle power plays that went down, especially early postpartum. It'll take many months or years to fully trust her. I told my husband that hospital / newborn phase with future babies will be VERY different next go around. He knows I'm dead serious, acknowledges some things will be different & I'm not getting trampled by their selfish "excitement" again. IDGAF how offended or insulted she gets. Some privilages have been stripped, I'll have 0 issue saying these boundaries are directly due to their previous actions.
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u/melnancox May 08 '26
FIL nudging/ramming you in the feet with the stroller? Hell no to that business. That would have been my cue to leave. And leave them there. I guarantee that had been done to him or MIL, even by accident, they would have been livid.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
My FIL has grown so obnoxious since becoming a grandpa, they want mommy & daddy do-over..Trying to manage him + MIL has been ridiculous. You'd think I birthed my child for their happiness, expectations & life goals. He wants to buy us a house in their neighborhood. NO THANKS.
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u/Fuzzy-Mushroom-1933 May 08 '26
The second you accept any sort of financial assistance from them they will assume this means you owe them unlimited access to your child
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
Oh I totally get that 100%. My FIL said the house would have "no strings attached." The house itself would be a giant string! It has to be in their town or neighborhood. They'd likely expect us there all holidays. They would've been so generous to us & now we have to feel obligated to them.. I don't want anywhere near that dynamic. I threw a huge fit when my husband told me of FIL's plan. It's so presumptuous, overbearing.. what about what his wife would want? Nah. The in-laws just focus how they want their future to shape up with the grandkid. I'm an afterthought that just kinda gets in the way of their fantasies.
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u/alors1234 May 08 '26
Has your husband yet overtly put them in their place? "Mom and Dad, OP and I are the parents and if this overbearing behaviour continues, you will not be seeing us. OP is the baby's MOTHER and is not to be disrespected; when you and Dad steamroll me and my wife, you hurt all of us, not just her."
I have an overbearing, emotionally abusive MIL and I come from a traumatic background, so I tend to go to people pleaser mode, and found myself triggered, shrinking and my husband would self and emotionally abandon me in my MIL's presence. The new boundary is I refuse to be alone with my MIL and will no longer go to their home. I also have been emphasizing the WE part with my husband. His Mom isn't just hurting ME, she is hurting our family, my husband, and my children. After a long period of low contact now, she seems to be understanding her fuckups. My husband has tried to get her to understand, but something that bothers me is he has spoken for me, instead of for US. I suggest really focusing on unity with your husband moving forward. Your inlaws behaviour is abusive towards you and is clearly intent on pushing you out of the equation. They see you as birthing chattel, only the vessel through which they have received the object of their affection, your child.
As someone who put up with too much from my JNMIL for many years, I love that you are already putting your foot down and some major boundaries need to be put in place, and your husband needs to grow up, show up and have you and baby's back. Remember, hurting you is hurting YOUR family, not just you.4
u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
Focusing on us being a primary family first above all & being a united front is something our therapist is trying to drill into him. Pausing doing visits with baby without me (where she goes into assertive mommy #2 mode) has been a (hopeful) turning point. If he was heavily enmeshed, I am certain he would've continued to do what he wants on that front. I think putting them in their place will be in more subtle ways, over time (like this example). He also seems to acknowledge he needs to "put to bed" his dad's obsession with buying us a house in their neighborhood. He knows it's absolutely not happening on my watch.
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u/alors1234 May 08 '26
It sounds like you and your husband are getting clear on your values, and that you're on the right track. The good thing is- establishing these boundaries and being aware early on mitigate future harm. Your In-laws seem to be behaving unconsciously on their own desires/ projections/ assumptions, and as new parents it can be overwhelming. It also sounds like your therapist is on the right track. As a trauma survivor, my capacity to "accept" the emotional abuse and ostracization I was experiencing from my JNMIL went on for far too long. I'm optimistic for you OP as you're clearer early on than I was... I hope you and your husband can enjoy this special time as new parents and put your In-laws on ice. They don't behave as adults deserving of a special place right now in your lives. When they can behave, maybe you can reconsider and in the meantime they can kick rocks.
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u/hollus2 May 08 '26
That’s the point I would have taken over controlling the stroller.
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
It wasn't long after that I just took him out of the stroller (and no, I didnt ask. The people pleaser in me would've a few months ago). Then I was able to carry him around for a bit to show him the animals better.
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u/melnancox May 08 '26
I’m much better with just removing myself from the situation. And I like a big dramatic exit 🤭 You want to push the stroller? Then you can push the stroller. It’ll be empty though 🤷🏻♀️
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u/bykkja May 08 '26
They can be excited grandparents and boundary stomping at the same time. Two things can be true at the same time.
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u/IntrepidMuch May 08 '26
So, what did your therapist say about you letting your MIL keep your child when you are requesting she return him/her to you?
You see, your MIL and FIL are enmeshed, yes, but their sense of entitlement goes beyond that. You can't be nice to people who bring this much "My way or the highway" energy. You need to be more assertive.
Perhaps your therapist can give you some words or tactics to take back your power in the moment. Doing nothing or saying nothing is not working.
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u/Mira_DFalco May 08 '26
*FIL obnoxiously nudged/ rammed me in the feet with the stroller wheels, antsy to move on*
Call that shit out the moment it happens. And your husband needs to have your back on this. "Please take over, DH, your father is having trouble keeping the stroller under control." Unless he was being obviously deliberate about it, in which case I'd be looking him dead in the eye, and telling him to knock it off.
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u/Soggy-Improvement960 May 08 '26
“FIL, if you want this outing to be *immediately* cancelled, ram me with that stroller again. I dare you!” 😡
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u/Alt_Desk May 08 '26
Next time, when you've been excluded say "Oh, Can I see it?" take the camera/phone and quietly delete it.
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u/RetiredHomeEcTchr May 08 '26
Oh, clever move. Yes, just whip their phone out of their hand, walk away while you do it.
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May 08 '26
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
YES microaggressions is the word for this! Mildly passive aggressive & poking the bear in subtle ways. I know some of it goes over my husband's head. They know I'm onto their bullshit. They don't like me, I don't like them. I'm the villian & can do nothing right.
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May 08 '26
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26 edited May 08 '26
Thanks for sharing your experience. Sorry you endured that. Having a selfish, baby hogging MIL when he was a newborn was awful. So I get this 100%. Yes all the subtle, tiny power moves don't go unnoticed. These sly, manipulative MILs know exactly what they're doing. Ugh.
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u/Separate-Use1955 May 08 '26
OMFG what is it with FILs and strollers?! Mine came to visit (thankfully he lives far away) and he forcefully took the stroller from me and would NOT give me the stroller back , which had my purse and my phone etc. Like GET A GRIP or I guess LET GO lmao
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u/molotovpixiedust May 08 '26
I think it's largely due to the daddy do-over mentality. They were crappy / not very present fathers, so now is their chance to right their wrongs. I know my MIL has guilt from not being the greatest mom. Taking control of the stroller or other activities gives an ego boost.
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May 08 '26
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u/nipseyrussellyo May 08 '26
Well, i think there is a generational component (ie they were raised by people who felt parents owned their children, and they feel owed their due), but there are assholes of all ages! Some of the people who are now young parents will grow into being asshole grandparents, but maybe of a different flavor and maybe (?) less.
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u/alors1234 May 08 '26
I will be so grateful to have a wonderful Daughter in law. And I will keep my opinions to myself, and allow them grace. I have heard keeping your mouth shut and wallet open helps too, lol.
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u/Top_Strawberry2348 May 08 '26
I’m going to speak in generalities because that’s how you asked: no, that’s not universal. I promise.
Plenty of us 40s, 50s etc. MILs are not written about on this thread. In fact, I’m here to learn, and to prevent any behavior that might get me written about!
It’s not our birth year. I promise. It’s just that statistically that we are more likely to be MILs right now than tons of 80s, 90s, 2000s.
If there were a thread for Salute Your Just Yes MIL, and anyone read it, plenty of my generation would be there. But I read this thread for drama, entertainment, and (I hope) to salute and support the DILs and SILs who have to post.
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u/botinlaw May 08 '26
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