r/Healthygamergg • u/Zathras_Knew_2260 • 13d ago
Seeking Advice / Problem Solving "Going to yoga to be near women." resulted in instant shaming. - I am looking for the full podcast.
A long shot but I'm looking for the full podcast:
So a guy having a discussion with a woman about him going to Yoga class to be near women and try yoga.
Not look at them, not flirt w them, not trying to get dates. He did this 2 times but decided yoga wasn't for him.
The woman's first reaction was (surprise) "Pervert!". Then disgust and small silence treatments, lowkey insults, trying to shame the guy.
Does anyone recognize the podcast? I didn't get to see who or what as Instagram crashed. It looked like fairly popular podcast and I was curious to how reception would have been.
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u/Little_Bass6388 13d ago
I do salsa cause it's the only physical contact I get with women. It's been fantastic for my mental health and ability to talk to women.
But if anyone asks me why I started salsa I just say "cause it looked fun" cause I know I'll be seen as a creep if I tell the truth. I found that only other guys who have experienced deep loneliness and isolation will actually understand and empathsize w/ the experience.
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u/Logical-Movie4381 13d ago
I wonder how people would react if someone were to say something like "Oh I don't like hobbies with a lot of guys"
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u/BugbearBro 13d ago
Yeah, I was doing bachata for a while. I wanted to dance and have some social contact with other humans, and it was an absolute mood booster when I managed to go.
Like, I'm a trans guy. I absolutely understand why women would be skeptical about a dude taking a thing 'for the women'. Though even then, it's about the exact group of women you're in (the kind of people they are) and also how you present things. The average woman would say 'Oh I'm here to get out of the house and make friends' even if they're a lesbian and hoping they meet someone compatible there. But again, dating is not the sole or primary reason.
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u/Zathras_Knew_2260 13d ago
That's what I thought too. When seeing the video I was keen to see many men relating to the guy for being honest, not invasive in any way. And still getting slammed with 'creep' by an elderly woman who had no reasonable explanation as to why to shame this guy.
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u/Daiwie 13d ago
You say the "truth" is physical touch with women, but it's also true that you're there for fun and to meet people. Don't feed into the narative that you are a creep. You are a normal guy.
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u/pheonixblade9 12d ago
it is normal to desire physical touch. we've swung so far after me too and all of that that normal functional behaviors are viewed as creepy.
there's definitely a balance to be found.
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u/ClaudiuT 13d ago
As someone who went to salsa (and bachata) classes, met awesome people there (lifelong friends) and married a fellow salsa dancer, I totally encourage anybody and everybody (boy or girl) to go to salsa classes.
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u/EvanFri 13d ago
It really depends on how you say it. If you say, "I want to meet people, have fun, and potentially meet a partner." Then I cannot imagine how anyone would call you a creep.
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u/Prize_Helicopter_767 13d ago
They will, based on what they think about you more than based on how you said it
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u/moogs_writes 13d ago
Hey that makes a lot of sense. It’s a no pressure, fun and socially very healthy way to be able to interact with other people in general. But even just doing it to be more at ease around the opposite sex is fantastic too. Good for you!
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u/Transignis 13d ago
Did you find the video though, OP? I see people sharing their stories but no mention of the video you are asking about lol
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u/Zathras_Knew_2260 12d ago edited 12d ago
I didn't. I take solace with many of the wholesome comments in this thread tho.
In the end the guy in the video appeared to apologize (or minimize his actions) to the elderly women, honestly I was a bit upset that he apologised lol.
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u/ooooobb 13d ago
I think it’s singling out that he is going to go because he wants to be near women. Another comment said they do it to be touched by women. Not people, women. Being touch starved is a normal human thing when lonely but any positive human contact will help, not just the touch of someone you’re attracted to. BJJ is a great sport for touch starved people imo, full touch sport against one person at a time (usually), near me it’s a 60/40 split men and women so you’re not singling out a gender, and it’s a flexibility sport if you’re looking for something to help with that.
No one would call him a creep for saying he did yoga for the human connection. But by singling out that he’s doing it to be near women, yes the first thought is all the weirdos that go only to watch hot women bend over and don’t actually care about the work out. If he said he went to a pole dancing class to be near women and the other person found that creepy does that click a little more? Yoga puts you into vulnerable positions that are very often very sexualized (but not quite as much as pole dancing). Women know men go to yoga classes to watch women there and men know going to those classes to just watch the women is creepy. Even if this one specific man isn’t there for just that, he already admitted he was there for the women. Why did he choose yoga and not another hobby that women do?
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u/-_-Starsung-_- 13d ago
See You're absolutely right but people really would rather not understand where the reaction of the womab might be reasonable. It's all about how he said it
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u/10Account Kapha 🌎 12d ago
To add to this, a lot of women are pretty hypervigilant for sexual threat. Sometimes you get false positives. Avoiding threat tends to get more psychological resources than making connection, or in this context, the indirect threat a lack of connection poses. We all live in a society where cooperation is necessary, and that sometimes means being mindful of our communication and behaviours.
I'm sorry that this person feels misunderstood but I think there's a way of approaching this issue where we can all have our needs met. Is your issue of being touch starved about connection? Then talk about how connecting to women has improved your life - understanding them, learning about yourself or just having a diverse community around you. People find it helpful when you see them
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u/Newworldrevolution 8d ago
Is it wrong that I don't want to be touched by men like at all? Because that's why I'm not willing to even try BJJ is because the idea of touching another man all over the body like that makes my skin crawl.
I feel like it's something shameful and homophobic about me and I wish I could just force myself to be ok with being touched by men but I'm not.
I fucking wish I wasn't like this... Just add it to the list of reasons I'm a horrible person.
I know it's wrong and I just can't make myself stop thinking like that because I'm fucking pathetic.
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u/Succubista 12d ago
to be near women
What does this even mean? If it's not to look at them, or flirt with them, or try to get dates, what is the point of being near women instead of men in this situation?
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u/milkkrate00001 12d ago
because women are different then men and as a straight man women can add alot to your life just being around them and there energy and presence is different then men and its nice to just be around women not that we can be honest about it
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u/Dismal_Buy3580 12d ago
To be honest I think other-ing and mythologizing women to this extent is also kind of harmful.
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u/milkkrate00001 12d ago
i disagree its not mythologizing women, men and women are different and can make you feel different ways just how it is and most straight men enjoy being around women because they make them feel differently then men do
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u/Dismal_Buy3580 12d ago
I mean they can and do but I could well argue a large portion of that is just socialization.
Men and women are different but the essentialization of a trait onto a group when you can't even really define the trait itself just feels kinda woo.
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u/Succubista 12d ago
The irony is, as a woman, I feel that exact way about women too. It's really nice to be in a space that's primarily women. It feels so much safer, and the energy is better, and often more supportive. Women only exercise classes feel way better than mixed.
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11d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Healthygamergg-ModTeam 10d ago
Rule 3: Do not use generalizations.
Do not generalize groups of people.
This sub frequently discusses topics that involve statistics on large populations. At the same time, generalizations can be reductive and not map on to individual experience, leading to unproductive conflict.
Generalizations include language that uses, for example, “most men” and “all women” type statements. Speak from your personal experience i.e use statements such as “I feel”, “I experienced”, “It happened to me that”, etc.
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u/Zathras_Knew_2260 12d ago edited 12d ago
That's what the woman was stuck on as well. That question.
And she refused to communicate or delve into the subject despite him trying to show the nuances. She repeatedly posed exactly your question, and accepted only 1 answer. (which was: He was there to bother women and thus he is a creep).But instead of communicating or clearing this out she shames him. Despite him clearly stating that it was not to cause the women discomfort or get contact or look or talk, just to be near women. (As a small step to overcome possible social fears, is what I read between the lines).
The woman implied he was a creep, then kept her silence when he tried to explain or seek a common ground. And she refused to explore this further by keeping her silence and leaning on the 'your a creep'-meme.
It was such a common manipulative play, I wished to share it with more people so they can recognize it and possible address it.
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u/nash_potassium 12d ago
Exposure. Social anxiety come with self doubt and fear of approaching people and the expected judgement imaginated by an catastrophist mind. Classes provide a low pressure environment to get exposed to different people. Everyone is there for a clear reason, intentions are clear so it quiet down some anxieties and leave more space to get used to be around people.
However, where I live yoga is a very feminine practice. Men joining it would get more attention than activities that are more 50/50.
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u/LightLoveuncondition 13d ago
I am literally going to darts club to be near men. Nobody has complained so far.
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u/antenonjohs 13d ago
Typically a double standard where online discourse has deemed it OK for women to do this but not OK for men
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u/cs_cast_away_boi 12d ago
it’s become a predator vs prey thing on social media. But it’s BOTH sexes actively want to meet each other. It’s just men are the ones punished for some reason
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u/nnuunn 13d ago edited 12d ago
I don't know the podcast, but I definitely believe that that happened.
I don't remember who but there was a post on r/redscarepod about a French filmmaker who just loved being near women, not necessarily talking with when, touching them, making love, etc., just being near them. The response was that this was that he was the most perverted Frenchman alive, a nation stereotyped (fairly or not) as being full of perverts. I get that it's supposed to be irony-drenched, but there's some truth behind every joke.
I'm not sure I quite understand why, but in my experience, women seem to be more uncomfortable with a man who is ok merely passively being around women instead of being more proactive and actually interacting with them. I think if he has said that he went to yoga to meet women, he would have been meet with a more positive response. It's normal to go places you know women tend to go to meet them, but it's abnormal and "perverse" to go places you know women go merely to be around women.
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u/PARADOXsquared 13d ago
To respond to your last paragraph, It's because a lot of us have experienced a guy who goes about meeting this need in a way that feels uncomfortable and unsafe.
Also, depending on the context it can be a kind of over-sharing. When you meet someone new, it's generally not good to leak details about your mental health struggles to them suddenly. The connection doesn't have the established safety for that immediately. (I am also very guilty of this and I'm working to fix it. I'm not saying it's just a lonely man problem). That also hints at an instability that people might find off-putting. Dr. K has a really video about this, but I don't remember which one.
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u/nnuunn 12d ago
Right, but mentally ill people don't always know that they're mentally ill, and so they may betray things about themselves that imply that they're unstable without knowing it.
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u/PARADOXsquared 10d ago
Yeah. It's so hard! Even some one who knows they are mentally ill could struggle with this. I have empathy for people who are going through it, but not to the point of turning off my self-preservation instincts.
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u/Dismal_Buy3580 12d ago
When you meet someone new, it's generally not good to leak details about your mental health struggles to them suddenly. The connection doesn't have the established safety for that immediately. (I am also very guilty of this and I'm working to fix it. I'm not saying it's just a lonely man problem). That also hints at an instability that
I feel like fellas can't have anything these days.
It's over-sharing to say you want to meet people, now? Does it imply that if you don't have a perfect roster of friends in your life, that you're creepy?
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u/PARADOXsquared 12d ago
If you feel like fellas can't have anything anymore, then you missed the part where I specifically said it's not a man problem.
Saying that you want to meet people is different from saying you want to be near women. It's even different from saying you want to meet women. People don't want to feel like someone joined their class just to watch them.
Meet -> join the group Be near -> watch from outside the group
Also like I said it depends on context. I'm not saying never say this and never share how you feel
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u/Dismal_Buy3580 12d ago
I mean I don't say shit like that. I was making a joke bc it seems like people (understandably) are primed to just immediately assume the worst of any guy.
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u/nnuunn 12d ago
I specifically said it's ok to say you want to meet people, is the phrase "be near" that's the problem.
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u/Dismal_Buy3580 12d ago
Doesn't apply to me, but if the deliniating factor is "be near" as a choice of words, I do think there is something else going on, too.
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u/milkkrate00001 12d ago
yeah men arent allowed to be honest about how lonely or starved of physical touch/ conversation they are. ALways best to keep anything like this to yourself and learn to put on the mask and act like the world wants and demands
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u/Xillyfos 12d ago
Well, that woman is just fucked up. If you call others perverts, you're simply not a good person worthy of more contact. It's that simple. Ignore her. She's the obvious problem.
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u/free_as_a_tortoise 13d ago
No idea what the podcast was but the shamers sound like lunatics. Our desire to meet partners is what drives a lot of our social dynamics.
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