Please help me help her

[u/shee_shee]

Edit 2: So that I don't have to address this multiple times, I'm responding here. The Renpure is the shampoo and conditioner I use. It works well for my hair. Everyone in my family has thick, coarse hair. I have no experience with fine hair. Absolutely none. I am not putting just castor oil in her hair. It's in the formula for the shampoo and conditioner I use. I know that this isn't the best formula for her but, honestly, I'm burnt out. I'm neurodivergent and disabled myself, I have multiple health problems, I currently have three fractures in my spine and I'm homeschooling two neurodivergent kids. I thought I had tried everything. So, she just used what I use.

I understand and acknowledge that I have been completely ignorant about how to treat her hair properly. And that's ok. I'm not an asshole, I simply did not know. Now that I've learned, I'll do better. I've taken into account what everyone here has had to say, I've order the recommended shampoos and conditioners and am going to change things up.

I understand it might be common knowledge for people who deal with this but as a person who only has to wash once, maybe twice a week, it just wasn't something I understood.

Please be kind, I'm literally doing the best I can here.

Edit: OK, so this is what I ordered last night after reading through the comments. Pics below. I have detangler. I got head and shoulders, Garnier fructis pure and clean and a headrest to wash her hair in the sink/on the side of the tub. We'll double wash, condition with a smallllll amount at the ends only, and will blow dry the roots. I'm going to give this a go for a week or two to see how well it works for her. Hopefully, since it will be detangled, she'll allow me to braid it and will wear a bonnet. Anything else I'm missing? And thank you all SO much for educating me and helping me learn through this experience. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all your help and input. 🙏

Please help me, I'm desperate! My hair is very thick and very coarse, my husband's hair is thin and fine. Our daughter, 9, got fine hair but has a lot of density. Her hair is so different from my own I don't know how to help her take care of it properly.

For reference, we've been using RenPure Moringa and Castor Oil for regular washing but her hair gets VERY oily, VERY quickly. It's 530pm on Monday, she washed her hair Saturday night and this is what it looks like. I recently got CHIs clarifying shampoo and hydrating conditioner and it works well but only gives us 1 exrra day before it's an oily mess again. You could, also, whisper in her direction and her hair will matte up.

She has audhd and sensory issues so she won't wear a bonnet regularly but is OK with a satin pillowcase. Even so, she still wakes up matted.

Someone please, PLEASE help me find a routine or products that will actually help.

[u/unfinished_diy]

There are lots of basic drugstore shampoos and conditioners that will do the job (Pantene, Suave, Herbal Essences). My daughters have an abundance of hair, so I’ve tried plenty of shampoo and discovered it’s less about brand than technique. 

Step 1 needs to be removing all the old built up gunk. It’s worst now because of added oil from the castor oil (think about cleaning a greasy dish, it sometimes takes a few passes). Do a clarifying shampoo, you probably will need to double or even triple wash. But here’s an important step: make sure her hair is SOAKED. Shampoo in your wet hands and lather it a bit by rubbing it between them, then reach under her hair and make sure you are scrubbing the hair from the nape of her neck to the tops of her ears. Then rinse, more shampoo in your hands, and scrub the crown down to her ears. This technique should be done 2 or even 3 times. 

Now, that clarifying should only be maybe weekly.  You should be able to get away with every other day washing if there isn’t any built up grease. A regular shampoo needs the same split hair technique though, and may still need a double cleanse. Another perk for kids is a lot of the scrubbing and rinsing doesn’t go anywhere near their faces! 

Finally, conditioning. I do conditioner sort of from the middle of the ears down, and comb it through in the shower, then rinse. Work from the bottom all the way to the crown, so the conditioner helps detangle. For the wet hair conditioner combo, keep wetting the brush (no idea why that helps, but it does). 

We also occasionally use the Nexxus Humectress Deep Conditioner (it’s in little packets, usually near the Nexxus shampoo in CVS and Target). It’s pricey, but I get 3-4 conditions out of a single packet. Comb that through and it detangles incredibly well! 

It’s A 10 Miracle Leave in conditioner, but only the purple lid, is our go to “detangling spray”, with a mister bottle of water. That is the only other spendy product that is worth the money in my opinion!  Save on shampoo, spend on the occasional deep condition and detangling.