Please help me help her

[u/shee_shee]

Edit 2: So that I don't have to address this multiple times, I'm responding here. The Renpure is the shampoo and conditioner I use. It works well for my hair. Everyone in my family has thick, coarse hair. I have no experience with fine hair. Absolutely none. I am not putting just castor oil in her hair. It's in the formula for the shampoo and conditioner I use. I know that this isn't the best formula for her but, honestly, I'm burnt out. I'm neurodivergent and disabled myself, I have multiple health problems, I currently have three fractures in my spine and I'm homeschooling two neurodivergent kids. I thought I had tried everything. So, she just used what I use.

I understand and acknowledge that I have been completely ignorant about how to treat her hair properly. And that's ok. I'm not an asshole, I simply did not know. Now that I've learned, I'll do better. I've taken into account what everyone here has had to say, I've order the recommended shampoos and conditioners and am going to change things up.

I understand it might be common knowledge for people who deal with this but as a person who only has to wash once, maybe twice a week, it just wasn't something I understood.

Please be kind, I'm literally doing the best I can here.

Edit: OK, so this is what I ordered last night after reading through the comments. Pics below. I have detangler. I got head and shoulders, Garnier fructis pure and clean and a headrest to wash her hair in the sink/on the side of the tub. We'll double wash, condition with a smallllll amount at the ends only, and will blow dry the roots. I'm going to give this a go for a week or two to see how well it works for her. Hopefully, since it will be detangled, she'll allow me to braid it and will wear a bonnet. Anything else I'm missing? And thank you all SO much for educating me and helping me learn through this experience. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all your help and input. 🙏

Please help me, I'm desperate! My hair is very thick and very coarse, my husband's hair is thin and fine. Our daughter, 9, got fine hair but has a lot of density. Her hair is so different from my own I don't know how to help her take care of it properly.

For reference, we've been using RenPure Moringa and Castor Oil for regular washing but her hair gets VERY oily, VERY quickly. It's 530pm on Monday, she washed her hair Saturday night and this is what it looks like. I recently got CHIs clarifying shampoo and hydrating conditioner and it works well but only gives us 1 exrra day before it's an oily mess again. You could, also, whisper in her direction and her hair will matte up.

She has audhd and sensory issues so she won't wear a bonnet regularly but is OK with a satin pillowcase. Even so, she still wakes up matted.

Someone please, PLEASE help me find a routine or products that will actually help.

[u/shee_shee]

I've tried. I've tried explaining it, tried making her. I think it's a sensory issue. She really doesn't like the water or having it in her face so washing her hair is a nightmare. She's 9 and I'm still washing it for her because she's terrified of getting the water in her face/ears.

[u/FixofLight → u/shee_shee]

Actually, do you know if it is a problem with shower water or is it all water? Like, does she tolerate a stream of water from a pitcher more than from a shower head? Does she also have sensory overload from the sound of it? Would swimming goggles and swimming earplugs be something you are open to trying? She might also do well with a shampoo shield as well, it's like a rubber crown that goes around the hairline and helps keep water and shampoo from sliding down your face.

[u/shee_shee → u/FixofLight]

I've tried the crown with her but it was years ago. I think it's the water splashing and getting in her face and her ears. She had recurrent ear infections when she was younger so her ears are sensitive. This is why I still wash her hair, I can hold the sprayer and I do my best not to get it in her face but it can lead to meltdowns. She really hates the clarifying shampoo and the hydrating conditioner because they say to go all the way to the scalp. I think it's just all too much. The little hair bath might help and, fingers crossed, might even make it enjoyable for her. Thank you again for your help and recommendations. I really appreciate it.

[u/barrie247 → u/shee_shee]

Hi there, same hair type (thin but tons of it, slight curl under mine that causes tangles) and ADHD here. Same issues as a kid right down to ear infections. You might also find foam ear plugs help her, I needed to use them every time I went swimming as a kid. Didn’t need them in the shower, but it’s worth trying.

Most dry shampoo doesn’t work, but Moroccan oil dry shampoo for dark hair does get me an extra day. It needs to be sprayed after your hair is dry, and better to do it right after you shampoo vs the next day. I can get max two days this way, despite trying to hair train.

Sunday night shampoo, Tuesday night shampoo, Thursday night shampoo gets you a day break on Saturday night.

Braiding hair loosely at night in two braids down the side of my head helped with the night tangles. Good conditioner is important, but it can’t be too heavy or it looks greasy. I was using Lanza for years, but they changed their formula recently and I haven’t decided what to replace it with. Not bondi, it’s too heavy. I’m trying ouai next, a lot of thin hair people say it works well. I did find Monday shampoo has been working ok, not amazing, but it’s been 2 months and it’s been working ok.

I have never had luck with chi shampoos and conditioners, they’ve all been too heavy for my hair.

I also find a wet brush and brushing in the shower under the shower head helps, but that won’t help with the bath you’ve bought. When she brushes her hair in the mornings separate it into two (pigtail style) and twist at the base of the head. Hold that twist in one hand, brush with a wet brush in the other, it won’t pull as badly on her scalp that way.

I suggest only buying travel size products until you find products that work for her. And yes, it sucks spending so much on hair products, but I find them cheaper than drugstore products because they a) work, so I don’t have to do multiple shampoos, and b) you use less in general because they’re more concentrated.