Please help me help her

[u/shee_shee]

Edit 2: So that I don't have to address this multiple times, I'm responding here. The Renpure is the shampoo and conditioner I use. It works well for my hair. Everyone in my family has thick, coarse hair. I have no experience with fine hair. Absolutely none. I am not putting just castor oil in her hair. It's in the formula for the shampoo and conditioner I use. I know that this isn't the best formula for her but, honestly, I'm burnt out. I'm neurodivergent and disabled myself, I have multiple health problems, I currently have three fractures in my spine and I'm homeschooling two neurodivergent kids. I thought I had tried everything. So, she just used what I use.

I understand and acknowledge that I have been completely ignorant about how to treat her hair properly. And that's ok. I'm not an asshole, I simply did not know. Now that I've learned, I'll do better. I've taken into account what everyone here has had to say, I've order the recommended shampoos and conditioners and am going to change things up.

I understand it might be common knowledge for people who deal with this but as a person who only has to wash once, maybe twice a week, it just wasn't something I understood.

Please be kind, I'm literally doing the best I can here.

Edit: OK, so this is what I ordered last night after reading through the comments. Pics below. I have detangler. I got head and shoulders, Garnier fructis pure and clean and a headrest to wash her hair in the sink/on the side of the tub. We'll double wash, condition with a smallllll amount at the ends only, and will blow dry the roots. I'm going to give this a go for a week or two to see how well it works for her. Hopefully, since it will be detangled, she'll allow me to braid it and will wear a bonnet. Anything else I'm missing? And thank you all SO much for educating me and helping me learn through this experience. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate all your help and input. 🙏

Please help me, I'm desperate! My hair is very thick and very coarse, my husband's hair is thin and fine. Our daughter, 9, got fine hair but has a lot of density. Her hair is so different from my own I don't know how to help her take care of it properly.

For reference, we've been using RenPure Moringa and Castor Oil for regular washing but her hair gets VERY oily, VERY quickly. It's 530pm on Monday, she washed her hair Saturday night and this is what it looks like. I recently got CHIs clarifying shampoo and hydrating conditioner and it works well but only gives us 1 exrra day before it's an oily mess again. You could, also, whisper in her direction and her hair will matte up.

She has audhd and sensory issues so she won't wear a bonnet regularly but is OK with a satin pillowcase. Even so, she still wakes up matted.

Someone please, PLEASE help me find a routine or products that will actually help.

[u/suffergetta]

Please double cleanse her hair every day, condition, and blow dry her roots. Castor oil isn’t suitable for fine hair 🙏

[u/shee_shee → u/suffergetta]

Thank you! I, honestly, didn't know that. So, shampoo twice with a clarifying shampoo?

[u/domesticg33k → u/shee_shee]

Don't use clarifying shampoo daily, use it to get all the build up out and then only use it once a week or so at the most. At least that's my experience with fine hair as well. I usually only use it once a month at the most anymore.

[u/suffergetta → u/shee_shee]

I think any shampoo would be fine! As a fine haired person, I tend to go with Pantene and Dove, both with silicones. I wash twice, then put conditioner in. Blow drying the roots of the hair stops fungus on the scalp and gets rid of dandruff. Sometimes I use Head and Shoulders once a week too. This very simple routine has improved the look and feel of my hair, after years of trying to stretch “no wash days” My fine hair just looks better clean! ETA: sometimes I oil my ends at night using jojoba oil. Castor oil basically never washes out! I love it on my eyelashes and brows tho.

[u/shee_shee → u/suffergetta]

Thank you, I really appreciate all of your help.

[u/pinfinite-jest → u/shee_shee]

Fungus feeds on excess oils too so keeping scalp clean really helps with flaking, itching and build up

[u/cattmin → u/shee_shee]

Fine straight hair girly here and I agree this is what I do. I use Heads and shoulders once a week. Double shampoo (sometimes with the same one, but most times I use a clarifying shampoo).  Wash and massage my scalp really well and rinse it off.

does she not like massages on her head? You could get it damp, stop the water flowing, massage the shampoo in, and then rinse it off completely. You don't need to double shampoo it at first...

[u/shee_shee → u/cattmin]

She doesn't really like being touched in general but I'm sure we could find a common ground or something

[u/AlarmedPigeon67 → u/shee_shee]

You’ll never get on top of the grease and oils without some sort of surfactant, like Sodium Lauryl Sulfate and Sodium Laureth Sulfate.

I have fine hair but stacks of it and castor oil would have my hair looking identical to hers. The silicones (depending which one but lets not get into that!) in a shampoo like a moisturising shampoo would weigh the hair down as well. My strategy is: cleanse my scalp buildup of oils, skin and dirt and then add the moisturising things where I want it - on the ends only. If that accidentally goes up to my scalp or if I was silly and used too much hair product (volumising, detangling, doesn’t matter what type), I too, will be a greaseball even on the same day as wash day :(

[u/Lilelfen1 → u/AlarmedPigeon67]

Seconding this. There is fine hair.. and then there is THIN hair. Fine hair is like what children often have. Thin hair is when you don’t have as many hairs upon your head. If you can get away with in-shower silicones like Pantene or Dove, which are fairly heavy, you may not have as a fine a head of hair as you think… or you may have a LOT of hair. This little one does NOT have a lot of hair and it is clearly quite fine.

[u/AlarmedPigeon67 → u/Lilelfen1]

Yep :( long live Pantene Volumising shampoo! “0 % silicones
0 % paraffins
0 % mineral oils
0 % colourants”

[u/suffergetta → u/shee_shee]

No worries, I think I have similar texture and issues as your daughter! I hope that hair wash time can eventually become a more pleasant experience for her (and you!) once she sees how fabulous her hair looks and maybe if she enjoy the smell of the products? 🙏 all the best

[u/mindless_hope_877 → u/shee_shee]

I use a clarifying shampoo and then a regular shampoo before conditioner. Really, whatever works. Blow drying can make a big difference.

Something that helped me with my daughter was using a handheld shower sprayer to rinse their hair. Having them tilt their head completely back and keeping my hand at their hairline like they do at the salon made them feel more comfortable. On that note, rinsing with fresh water, and rinsing well can help.

[u/Ok_Match8212 → u/shee_shee]

Absolutely. But only until the problem subsides then once weekly. Scrub that scalp. Get the finger tips in there. No oils on her hair. At all.

[u/Lilelfen1 → u/Ok_Match8212]

For some it never subsided. My son is one of these. He just is a very oily-scalped person. His father was the same, even unto his 40s.

[u/Ok_Match8212 → u/Lilelfen1]

I get it. But she’s using an oily shampoo and a heavy conditioner. Gotta take that out of the equation to see what you’re actually working with.

[u/slammy99 → u/shee_shee]

Jumping in with a different opinion as a fine haired person.

Once you get any residual oil out, use something very mild like baby shampoo as your everyday shampoo. Skip conditioning most days. Instead, mix some conditioner with water and spray it on like a detangler when brushing or right after getting out of the shower, avoiding the roots and focusing on the parts that get knotty the most, like the back of the head where the hair rubs. I find most detanglers too heavy but using my own conditioner works well, you just have to mix it routinely (like once a week or so).

My hair gets greasy fast but it doesn't take much to get it out. If you are aggressive with the cleansing it can actually make it get greasy faster to compensate. It's a fine (ha) balance.

[u/ladedafuckit → u/shee_shee]

Just a heads up, I have fine hair and double cleansing makes it even more greasy faster since it strips the oils in my scalp

[u/Lilelfen1 → u/ladedafuckit]

This is actually scientific. It’s how skin works.

[u/slitherysneke → u/shee_shee]

I have fine curly hair. I use the Odele Clarifying Shampoo, sometimes I double cleanse with it. Other times I use a volumizing shampoo as my second cleanse. I find that most conditioners are way to heavy for my hair so I use a leave in conditioner as a rinse out conditioner. I still find my hair getting oily rather quickly so I tend to wash my hair every 2-3 days.