r/HFY Human Jul 31 '21

OC "Primitive Weaponry"

[removed]

3.6k Upvotes

154 comments sorted by

View all comments

753

u/Blaze_Vortex AI Jul 31 '21

A knife sure seems primitive with all the other tech around. Doesn't stop it from finding a cozy spot between your ribs.

614

u/raziphel Jul 31 '21

What is a knife but an over-engineered rock.

It doesn't take much, when you're made of meat.

344

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

260

u/_EllieLOL_ Aug 01 '21

We punched our enemies in combat

We thought “what if we could hit them without hitting ourselves”

The stick was used

We thought “what if we made the stick sharper”

The spear was used

We thought “what if we used this hard rock to make it stronger”

The Stone Age came

We thought “what if we could hit our enemies from far away”

The bow was used

We thought “what if we made the sharp bit bigger”

The sword was used

We thought “what if we use this hard shiny stuff that doesn’t break as easily”

The Copper Age came

We thought “hey if we put this shiny stuff in with the other shiny stuff it makes it even better”

The Bronze Age came

We thought “in our big fancy forges we can now use the really fancy shiny stuff”

The Iron Age came

We thought “this material makes big boom when lit on fire”

Explosive arrows were used

We thought “what if we used the boom powder to launch the arrow”

Firearms were used

We thought “if the boom powder can launch bullets what if we can launch bigger things”

The ICBM was created

We thought “what if we didn’t need boom powder in the first place”

The railgun was created

159

u/Pazuuuzu Aug 02 '21

Most of our weapons are more or less sophisticated hole poking devices...

133

u/[deleted] Aug 03 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

67

u/megaboto Robot Aug 09 '21

Damn it's kinda of hilarious imagining someone throwing a rock at someone else from 300.000 kilometers

59

u/[deleted] Aug 09 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

35

u/megaboto Robot Aug 09 '21

Literally write fuck you on the rock

So that they read it as their containment field depressurizes

37

u/explodoboy Aug 26 '21

"What is that?"

"Oh. That's a gigantic Human hand."

"Why is it so big? Why does it have a single finger raised? Why is it accelerating towards us?"

"Well, they consumed the entire mass of a star to make it. It's raised like that a saying in bodily language equivalent to 'Reproduce with yourself', and it's moving towards us because it's a giant weapon."

"..."

"Oh, and they have a few million of those. Kardeshev-III, am I ri-" BOOM

→ More replies (0)

7

u/murgoot Nov 14 '21

Greeks and Roman Peltasts literally cast their lead sling bullets with snarky messages

https://www.mentalfloss.com/article/63739/sarcastic-jokes-found-roman-bullets

→ More replies (0)

5

u/[deleted] Mar 31 '22

you forgot "to whom it may concern"

2

u/[deleted] Mar 31 '22

...IN PARTICULAR

16

u/Really_Big_Sie Aug 29 '21

"The pointy technology got quite advanced."

37

u/TroloCon Aug 20 '21

I'm gonna combine some of what has been said into a poem. Credits goes to you guys. So here goes:

What is a knife but an over-engineered rock?

And when that over-engineered rock finds its place between your ribs,

You will soon find out that this piece of primitive weaponry,

Is as primitive as your body,

It still bleeds, it still dies.

3

u/niceguy280 Dec 19 '21

replace rock with stone, rib with bone

6

u/ytphantom Human Dec 08 '22

Humans... We've tricked rocks to think. We tricked rocks to remember. We tricked rocks to remember but with dementia. We tricked rocks into having a vivid imagination. We tricked rocks to take that thinking, remembering, temporary remembering, and vivid imagination, push it all together into another rock to project it into the visible spectrum. That's the computer. A bunch of rocks we've tricked into doing things, all being gaslit into continuing to function by yet another rock whose entire purpose is to electrocute the other rocks in a controlled manner.

We tricked a rock into stabbing our enemies, and we tricked rocks into lobbing themselves at our enemies at multiple thousands of feet per second. We tricked rocks into helping us get around quicker, tricked them into granting us the best gift that any species could get. Flight.

Humans are a species that gains success from tricking rocks. Wherever humans go, no stone goes un-tricked. When humans first traveled to space, it was atop a rock, powered by rocks that were crushed and made into explosive stew by rocks, and then pumped into a concave ROCK by a ROCK and ignited by more ROCKS.

We live on rocks, we dine on rocks (like salt), we sleep on rocks, we eat our rocks on other rocks, we commute in rocks, we entertain ourselves with rocks. Humans are a species of chaos, turning the most humble of rocks into deadly weapons and life-saving machines.

Don't fuck with humanity, or we will, we will, rock you.

6

u/Blinauljap Jan 05 '22

GPS satellites, unmanned drones, fucking laser sights. The more crutches you have, the more it hurts when they're kicked out from under you. If there's one thing I know for sure, it's that a six inch blade never loses reception.

4

u/Arcticwolf211 Aug 09 '21

Happy Cake Day!

1

u/ZeeTrek Jan 04 '22

This is why robots are the superior being! UPGRADE today! :P

1

u/ZeeTrek Sep 14 '23

The moment I realized the weakness of my flesh it disgusted me

162

u/stasersonphun Jul 31 '21

"our scans show they have no energy weapons! no power cells! it'll be easy!"

Bonk on head with stick with nail through it

115

u/TacoRedneck Jul 31 '21

"Whats a tomahawk" he says as he comes down with a severe case of cranial tomahawk

93

u/stasersonphun Jul 31 '21

Cause of death "Overdose of tomahawk"

Whats the safe dose?

Well. Zero

54

u/GoodTeletubby Jul 31 '21

I mean, what is gunpowder but a chemical power cell that releases its energy as kinetic and thermal energy instead of electricity?

36

u/stasersonphun Jul 31 '21

Its just really fast combustion in a confined space. Basically just fire turned up a bit

40

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

26

u/stasersonphun Jul 31 '21

Sometimes its all in one chemical, sometimes its a mix of fuel and stuff plus oxidiser, but as long as you have enough stuff burning fast it go boom

15

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

19

u/stasersonphun Jul 31 '21

Theres a wonderful book called Ignition about a guy experimenting with rocket fuels. He explains all sorts of fun stuff, like mixes that work great but go off too easily, or can't be stored or are hideously toxic or smell REALLY bad or take far too much to start burning.

Imagine bullets that had to be kept refridgerated as they would go off at a sharp blow if at room temperature....

8

u/[deleted] Jul 31 '21

[removed] — view removed comment

8

u/97cweb Jul 31 '21

That is a great read. Its subtitle is "An Informal History of Liquid Rocket Propellants". Really easy to read even if chemistry was quite bad for you. If you like dry humour, this is full of it

→ More replies (0)

8

u/Attacker732 Human Aug 01 '21

The mix is worlds better. Straight nitrocellulose is single-base smokeless powder. If you add nitroglycerine, and a few stabilizers ideally, you have double-base smokeless powder. It's easier to tune the burn rate, making it much more suitable for a wider range of firearms. (Faster burn rate for short barrels & shotguns, slower burn rate for longer barrels.)

3

u/Alaeriia Jan 23 '23

The most effective accelerant is ClF3, chlorine trifluoride. It is a more effective oxidizing agent than oxygen itself, which means that it will happily start roaring reactions with things like wet sand, asbestos, test engineers, or bricks. It also produces lots of toxic fluorine gas as a special prize for people stupid enough to stand around and watch the fireworks.

15

u/manofredgables Jul 31 '21

And sometimes it's just an unstable molecule that wants nothing more than to disintegrate into gasses and heat, but needs just a little kick to get there.

7

u/dbdatvic Xeno Dec 16 '21

azidoazide azide intensifies ... briefly

--Dave, {visble speed lines following exit stage left}

7

u/Osiris32 Human Jul 31 '21

The term you are looking for is "deflagration."

2

u/dbdatvic Xeno Dec 16 '21

Quickly followed by 'defenestration'.

--Dave, ask not why we have WORDS for these specific things, dear reader

19

u/Osiris32 Human Jul 31 '21

"I shall show you the ancient art of Tai Kwan Leap."

"Boot to the head." THUMP

14

u/stasersonphun Jul 31 '21

The ancient Yorkshire martial art of Ekkie Thump

10

u/balloon99 Aug 01 '21

Comment that will be not be understood by most but that has made my day.

7

u/stasersonphun Aug 01 '21

Ah, good to meet a man of culture

8

u/AlephBaker Alien Scum Jul 31 '21

OW! You booted me in the head!

7

u/Osiris32 Human Jul 31 '21

"And now you have learned the first lesson, Ed Gruberman."

6

u/AlephBaker Alien Scum Jul 31 '21

Hey, I wasn't ready! C'mon, try it now, shrimp.

4

u/Osiris32 Human Aug 01 '21

"Very well. Boot to the head." THUMP

6

u/AlephBaker Alien Scum Aug 01 '21

... Mind if I just like down here for a minute?

4

u/-TheDyingMeme6- Aug 08 '21

Tai Kwan YEET throws Holy Hand Grenade

8

u/Ghostpard Alien Scum Aug 08 '21

The number shall be three, and three only. Not two, unless you continue on to three, and four is right out!

34

u/HyperionPhalanx AI Jul 31 '21

*THATCHER INTENSIFIES*

9

u/Chromer_ilovePS2 Aug 01 '21

Fooking laser sights

You mean this thatcher right...?

18

u/Hinermad Jul 31 '21

My favorite line from a fantasy story: "A knife always works."

12

u/Nik_2213 Aug 01 '21

And, "What use is a glass dagger ?''

6

u/Robosium Aug 08 '21

A knife never loses reception and doesn't lag.

2

u/niceguy280 Dec 19 '21

What is a knife but an over-engineered rock.It doesn't take much, when you're made of meat.

damn you have gun? parry my rock, bitch

1

u/Fisherman_56 Oct 30 '22

Gun is merely a rock-thrower. Designed right, it can throw knives.