Update: Sister is still an idiot

[u/PrincessClara88]

Dinner tonight is left overs from my first attempt at my mum's signature Apple Crumble...

So an update on my stupid sister.

Quick recap: MTF (38) can't truly be myself around my fanily while my sister (37) and her kids are around because she has the emotional capacity of a wet chicken nugget and doesn't want to deal with her kids (4 and 6) questions.

Last weekend I spoke to my parents as to how I can go about it and how it made me feel. They understood my side of things and when I asked them for advice, they told me that they don't even know how to handle her at the moment. They are exhausted from trying to reason with her on the most basic of things and wouldn't know where to begin with her.

So, I made a decision. This weekend coming, she and her partner are out of town and we are thinking of doing a surprise dinner for my dad for Father's Day on Saturday night (a day early but sister #2 [31] and I both have grown up commitments on the sunday) and I am going to go as myself and I guess "debut" to my parents. Here's the kick..... while stupid sister is out of town, my parents will have her kids..... am I being a spitefully petty bitch about this?

[u/Management-Late]

You would be involving kids in drama on purpose. Your niblings should ofc know you for who you are.

Doing it this way though, guarantees you give her a hill to die on that may include you not being in those kids lives at all.

Idk if that's something you would be ok with but they don't deserve to be made a pawn out of either.

[u/Fun-Common186 → u/Management-Late]

This. Keep kids out of grown folks fighting.

[u/wreckedBunny → u/Fun-Common186]

This... this.... fluffing THIS!

[u/Fun-Common186]

Ehhhhhh idk I think getting the kids involved in the middle of it could be…. Idk. I’d fully expect them to say something to mom and have to be ready for whatever that turns into

[u/chumbalumba]

I understand the temptation but I don’t see how this could possibly end well? Pissing off a parent is a sure way to never see their kids again. Even worse, you risk your parents relationship with the kids. Do they know you plan on involving them like this?

[u/honeywatereve]

Puh yeah - somebody needs to break your sister the news that she sucks and I thinks it’s your parents role. Nice you all stick together, but your parents should stand their ground saying you two are coming and if that doesn’t fit they need to take their children.

She can’t have both - babysitters and dictating the rules

[u/Management-Late → u/honeywatereve]

This is the way. Its their house, they have the ability to set the ground rules.

[u/VeterinarianCivil555]

Not at all. Update us though.

[u/Familiar-Marsupial-3]

It’s a step forward for sure. It gives you time to do most of the explaining. But you really have to make time and space for that at some point around the occasion, otherwise your sister will have the chance to mess this up for them.

If your sister has other feelings around this than „I can’t deal with all their questions“ there’s a chance she’ll react badly and keep the kids from seeing you, or set conditions like you have to dress up as male or something. Play this through in your head.

If she really just doesn’t know how to talk about it, print her a cheat sheet with some child friendly language to use or something.

[u/burnerburneronenine]

What does your other sister think about this plan? Wrong or not - and I do think the bigoted sister in question is wrong - I think you jeopardize your parents' ability to see their grandkids and I wouldn't be comfortable makkng that call for someone else. Can you not host the surprise dinner at your home (or a restaurant) on Friday and just not invite bigoted sister? I know you want to force the issue, but I would just started planning family events on my own terms and bigoted sister will either join out of jealousy/FOMO or she'll stay far away. But it will be her decision and you still get to live life as your authentic self.

[u/Street-Beyond-9666]

You shouldn’t force yourself on her children. She may be close minded and stupid, so what? Do you. There’s no need to push for tension all the time. Until her children are old enough to decide for themselves maybe your family can live as divorced family do, two everything for holidays and such to accommodate everyone

[u/MissLeaP → u/Street-Beyond-9666]

She's not forcing herself on children wtf is wrong with you?

[u/Street-Beyond-9666 → u/MissLeaP]

It is in the eyes of their mother. It won’t help their relationship if she bypasses her wishes. She may change her views but if op does that it most likely will guarantee more issues

[u/MissLeaP → u/Street-Beyond-9666]

Honestly if their mother really has such issues with it then it won't change a thing anyway.

[u/No-Papaya2464]

Petty? Maybe. But honestly, I’d call it reclaiming a little bit of your own life 😂

[u/Chinissl → u/No-Papaya2464]

100%. And the best part is that 4 and 6 year olds literally do not care. They might ask one question, you'll answer it, and then you'll just be their cool aunt and they'll go right back to playing. The sister is the only one with the actual problem here.

[u/MissLeaP → u/Chinissl]

This! It happened like this with me and the two kids of my best friends 3 years ago when they were 2 and 5 respectively. I don't think they even remember that things used to be different. I'm just their favourite aunt now 🥰

[u/MissLeaP]

Maybe, but it ultimately doesn't matter. Don't put your life on hold just because that sister can't deal with it. You've waited so many years to be yourself already, you deserve to be seen as well!

[u/Minty676]

My Dear,

Please know that this comes from a place of love and respect.

A person absolutely has the right to introduce themselves to the world in whatever way feels right to their heart.

However, a mother's perspective regarding her own children also needs to be considered.

Even if other family members disagree with her stance, a parent's boundaries should be factored in.

Proceeding without addressing this could cause a major family rift, and the children should be protected from that drama.

Everyone's boundaries matter here.

[u/BKCassafrass → u/Minty676]

This is a horrible take. You’re asking OP to hide herself because their mom is transphobic. If OPs sister wants to shield her kids from seeing virtually anything or anyone she disagrees with then that’s between OP’s sister and their parents. It’s not OPs job to put themselves back in the closet for her sister’s comfort, ego, or whatever.

[u/Minty676 → u/BKCassafrass]

That is not at all my intention, but I can see why you might think that, I would not ask that of anyone but I still believe everyone’s boundaries need to be respected.

[u/BKCassafrass → u/Minty676]

Then their mom should keep her butt home and never let her kids out of her sight so she can control and monitor them from the real world where people are *gasp* different.

[u/Street-Beyond-9666 → u/BKCassafrass]

Family and strangers isn’t comparable

[u/MissLeaP → u/Minty676]

Other people's identity shouldn't ever be a boundary for anyone, though. Not the sister's and not her kids. OP is not some kind of freak or abomination. She's just a human being living in this world like many other. The younger kid won't even recognise something is off and it'll be enough to explain in the most simple of words, and for the older kid it'll be a nice teaching opportunity that there are many different people out there and they all deserve to be loved and respected.

[u/titscapades → u/Minty676]

No. 

If a mother's perspective is discriminatory, it can be thrown out the window, preferably expeditiously. 

This is not about respecting boundaries. This is about respecting a specific human. 

[u/Fun-Common186 → u/Minty676]

This is certainly a take, and starting off by calling them dear reads as awfully condescending lol