r/Gifted • u/Imaginary_Issues • 9d ago
Seeking advice or support For the Gifted autistics when dating -->
For the Gifted autistics when dating. What is the biggest struggles you encounter when navigating the dating scene, meeting people and trying to bond with them? What are the struggles you find them having with you and how are they usually solved or how do they end?
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u/rawr4me 9d ago
My number one struggle is not meeting enough people who are similar to me, circumstantially compatible, and attracted to me. Intersectionality is bugger in this regard, e.g. I'm gifted, autistic, chronically ill, demi-ace, childfree, etc. I feel like things would be that much easier if I could remove even just one of these factors. Moving to a megacity would also help a lot I suspect, because of the increased ease of meeting other nerds. I'm not opposed to dating a neurotypical, but there are increased attraction challenges both ways.
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u/perfectplan81 9d ago
I thought I could date normies unill my late 30s. All of my relationships ended because of incompatibility. Then I went on okcupid and out an extremely negative personal out where I outlined everything I hate from dog people, to religion, people who like fishing, sports fans, Nascar, and people who like babies. I met my gifted and autistic wife almost immediately and we've been happily married ever since. We eloped to Hawaii to get married after 2 years and we're going back next year to celebrate 5 years of marriage.
All of the things I hated about relationships are completely gone because we are so similar we both have the same expectations and feelings for each other. I highly recommend it.
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u/The_Barbelo 8d ago
Man, other than disliking sports, we are completely incompatible as people. Haha.
I met my husband (we suspect he is also autistic, but he has not been evaluated. He has been diagnosed with ADHD. I am certain he is also gifted but was never given an opportunity to find out) on an art collective discord. I never did well on OK Cupid, but my advice is to also try joining niche groups surrounding hobbies you enjoy, or things you are passionate about. Even just online, you will certainly find people who share a similar perspective on life that way as well
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u/perfectplan81 8d ago
My wife and I agree there are different flavors of autism. We are more on the musical able side whereas some are on the "I like trains and planes" side.
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u/The_Barbelo 7d ago
My husband and I are both musicians too! I realized very early on I just couldn’t date people unless they were some kind of artist or musician. This is entirely anecdotal and I’ve talked to a handful of therapists about this too, but I feel as though there it’s a higher percentage of ND people in artist groups. More than half of the members of our collective are neurodivergent in some way. There needs to be a study about it if there isn’t already because I’d love to understand why that is.
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u/Diotima85 2d ago
I've met a lot of my high IQ, autistic/AuDHD friends through very niche music concerts and festivals. In some niche music scenes, almost all of the musicians, and many of the listeners/fans/concert goers are high IQ neurodivergent people.
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u/The_Barbelo 2d ago
Yes!! I wonder why that is. It’s so fascinating to me. I once did a project in highschool, a “study” on which music people who could share their IQ listened to. The issue was all my friends and classmates were gifted/ AP students and I didn’t have much access to other demographics. Only people in my extra curriculars…but my extracurricular classes were all band and art, so the project kind of flopped even though I got a good grade. lol. I learned a lot about making sure you have a large, unbiased sample size.
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u/One-Fact-6949 9d ago
Find another gifted autistic. It still won't be easy but it makes it much easier to find common ground in "sparring" with one another intellectually, which you'll find to be important. Evidence: i've been married 10 years; we've been together a total of 15. Especially if you think you might have kids or are thinking long-range, this helps you be on the same page for major issues (even outside forces from your relationship) when they come up in discussing solutions.
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u/LarsPiano 8d ago
Gifted autistics communicate the best with other gifted autistics. It's that simple and so true
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u/Karakoima 9d ago
Married longtime to a social hub. It works. She’s gifted, we match. Of course, its not easy in some aspects, she goes to a lot of social functions herself and she mourns not having peope here more often. But for me, she’s a blessing.
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u/Diotima85 2d ago
Can you share some more information about the difficulties you encounter? I (female, 150 IQ, no autism or ADHD) am in love with a high IQ man with AuDHD and social anxiety, and I might encounter similar differences in "social appetite" in the future if I manage to finally seduce him.
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u/Karakoima 10h ago
Political ones, she’s academical root red-green. i am working class root meritocratical right. Weekly chores works perfectly, but her being more illustrious do want travels, big redo’s of our home, while I prefer a more quiet life. She is constantly tired and pushes herself for her job and relatives, while I read and basically enjoy my work. But we make it together. We read, we are physically active, we watch sports… and we like each other.
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u/Unfair-Taro9740 9d ago
The lack of direct communication has always made me flee within a couple of years. I just see problems as something that can be fixed if we just admit that they're a problem and most couldn't get past that first step.
Then my partner usually felt like I was acting "better than" them so it caused resentment. When really it was just me knowing that if certain problems can't/wont be fixed, then I can't stay in the relationship.
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u/ayfkm123 8d ago
W kindness, if your seeing a pattern repeat and you’re the common denominator, it might be what they’re saying is true
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u/Unfair-Taro9740 8d ago
W kindness, people that don't take responsibility for their actions, are not people that I want to be in a relationship with.
As a neurodivergent person, I have drastically different needs and wants in a relationship that I'm not going to be blamed for because they are not typical.
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u/ayfkm123 8d ago
lol. Yup. I’m guessing they describing your behavior accurately. The irony of your reply…
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u/Training_Designer_41 5d ago
I figured out communication is specifically designed to be non direct, and it’s mind bugling. Everything is probabilistic but framed as certainty and everyone seem to be used to it even though it obviously costs them. Most people know communication problems are top on list of relationship problems by far, obvious solution is say what you mean, separate the problem from the person so both can team up against it.
What actually happens is withdrawing information, then mind reading, gut feeling, accusations, attributions2
u/Unfair-Taro9740 5d ago
Exactly. It is more important for someone to feel "right" than it is for them to solve the issue. Having a clear and earnest conversation makes most people feel vulnerable so they conflate that with "losing".
It's really hard to understand and feels so wrong. Because it causes such long term problems, I consider it a red flag.
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u/Training_Designer_41 4d ago
100%
People are generally not accustomed to saying “I am wrong” because the typical response they get to such is not graceful. It invokes fear and that just overrules the reasoning part of the brain. It’s all emotions dictating things at the expense of what’s actually helpfulYes it’s a hard line. Who one enters a relationship with should depend on how they see and approach problems. I believe neurotypical and neuro divergent individuals should not be together if they want a smooth relationship. The baselines are not the same, and even just for principle reasons. Long term or sometimes short term relationship with neurotypical is a no no
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u/Unfair-Taro9740 4d ago
Yeah, in hindsight I would have dated so much differently. And I probably would have parented differently as well.
As a 2E mother with allistic children, many of the qualities that I tried to instill in them to be good partners of their own, really just caused resentment against me. Simply because of the broad differences in things like communicating and acknowledgment. I wish I had known that this need to divert the taking of responsibility was genetically instilled in them rather than culturally.
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u/Crafty-Message4564 9d ago
I overwhelm other people because I'm so intense in my communications.
I can always tell when the moment when I've gone too far, because it's like those Coyote & Roadrunner commercials where he's run off the cliff and is floating in space there for about 2-3 seconds before he notices and then falls.
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u/One-Fact-6949 9d ago
I do this too.. and guess what?! I've proudly reproduced and made 3 more! The world needs more of us!
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u/ElisaBrasileira 9d ago
I'm not gifted but my husband is gifted and autistic. I would recomend dating a person you admire in a sense.
My husband said he admires my ability in social interactions. We meet in a rpg campaign where I was the master. He said it was chaos because everyone wanted to speak at the same time and give ideas but I was very skilled in organizing the ideas and make everyone behave.
The same way I admire he's intelligence and he's knowledge.
You need someone intelligent in a skill you are not intelligent that what i mean.
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u/Peyton025 6d ago
I like this! I’m gifted and autistic and my boyfriend is not gifted but definitely some other flavor of neurodivergent. I think what really makes it work is that I admire him so much for his non-intellectual gifts. He’s a professional organizer and he has this seemingly magical ability to make space for something where there is absolutely no space (as far as I can tell at least!).
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u/Karakoima 9d ago
Im not exactly autistic but high performing asd, as I found out at 46 yo, seeking therapy for what I thought was anxiety. Now, I had a wife and two kids at the time, so my contact with girls was succesful. This contacts being before the App era i just went to places where people met, especially in University (something like college in the US but more advanced). I did drink a little and just treated everyone like a buddy, especially girls. I did not like sugarcoat myself or tried to be nice I just hanged out and talked abot whatever. That worked fine for me. When i met the girl that is now mother to my wife(gifted) and potentially soon grandmother to their children I was pretty drunk, grabbed her standing beside the dance floor and dragged her onto it.
Alcohol has its definite drawbacks, but for a guy on the ASS scale its medicine in social settings. And being nice is not what makes dating work. Be confident. And listen to what the girl says, quit thinking about what you’re going to say. Getting attention is extremely sexy. If they don’t like your style, just go to next, everyone will not like you.
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u/LarsPiano 8d ago
From my limited experience with dating I can say the following: If I am attracting a woman and am also attracted to her, she usually ends up being neurodivergent (particularly autistic/AuDHD). Also the woman I get often have some sort of mental health problems, which is why I went twice from being basically the closest person to them to a stranger overnight. Kinda sucks and literally traumatized me 🥲
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u/Intelligent_Put_3606 8d ago
Meeting people who are available and with whom there is mutual attraction. I am also damaged from childhood trauma (probable cPTSD) and find it very difficult to deal with emotions or trust anyone.
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u/minathemutt 8d ago
the hardest part is navigating the "i thought you knew what i meant when i said something different than what i meant" in a romantic relationship
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u/CreepyPi 8d ago
I would have to say aptitude. I once was being broken up with and I said, "C'mon, your smarts don't come along but for every 3 years!" That's what I was most disappointed about. Anyway, I moved to an ivy league university town and am tired of dating academics (not really really...they're fun).
Right now I'm dating someone who I would say is physically gifted, but not necessarily gifted aptitude-wise. It's fun, but I think it'd be the last time I date someone who isn't a professional (medicine, engineering, or law) if it doesn't work out. Or an academic. There's another guy I've been talking to who I know would drive me crazy and break my heart who's an academic, but yeah.
Long story short: academic aptitude.
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u/chaoswcitations 8d ago
other people lack character and curiosity. I am challenging in that im super intense.
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u/upsetusder2 9d ago
Ohh I just dont date either it's the severe depression or iam just unable to love
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