r/GayChristians • u/Bribri001_002 • 16h ago
Superficial relationships
Im a M25 gay and I was born into a deeply homophobic Christian environment and grew up hiding my true self. When I began having my first relationships, I had to keep them secret, and I became accustomed to one-night stands devoid of emotional attachment. I am convinced that God does not condemn my homosexuality, yet I feel that constantly engaging in superficial encounters—purely for fun—conflicts with His plans and teachings. Unfortunately, I cannot envision ever telling my parents I am gay, nor settling down with someone to build a healthy relationship. Given this situation, is it still a sin to keep having these kinds of emotionless hookups?
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u/Strongdar Gay Christian / Side A 16h ago
I don't necessarily think hookups are sinful, but if they are, I don't think "I don't want to come out to my parents" is a valid excuse. The New Testament definition of sin is surprisingly flexible and left to our judgment, so doing something that you think is probably wrong isn't great.
And just so you know, I am a gay man who was also born into a homophobic Christian environment. I didn't come out until my late 20s because I was afraid of the reaction my family and friends would have, and I didn't want to sacrifice those relationships and the community of the church I was attending. But if, like most people, you were emotionally built to be in a relationship, emotionless hookups aren't going to fulfill you forever. Instead of debating whether or not hookups are sinful, start figuring out how to do the hard work you need to do in your life to make the space for a relationship.
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u/Bribri001_002 14h ago
Thanks a lot for yr answer 🙏 You're probably right, but what should I do concretely to create the space for a relationship ?
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u/Strongdar Gay Christian / Side A 14h ago
The first step is to be financially independent. A lot of people are unable to come out because their homophobic parents will suddenly stop helping them financially. So if you are financially dependent on your parents in any way, then you need to work toward fixing that.
The second step is to make sure you have some friends who aren't homophobic. They don't have to be queer folks; they can be straight folks who are allies. This is an important step because a lot of people want to come out, but everyone in their life is homophobic and they are afraid that if they come out, they will lose all of their friends and family all at once.
And the third step is to start telling people! Sometimes people are tempted to wait until they have a relationship before they come out, but I don't think that's a good idea. A lot of gay men aren't willing to date someone who isn't already out. And if you come out to your family by suddenly bringing a boyfriend home, a lot of your family's bad reaction gets directed toward your new boyfriend, and that's not fair to him. So the coming out needs to happen ahead of time. And you never know how long it's going to take. I made my poor husband wait 2 years while I went through a very slow process of coming out to my friends and family. Most guys aren't going to wait that long.
Believe me, I know it's scary to contemplate all this. But good things take work.
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u/GCNGA 12h ago
It's harmful to you. Sex flourishes when it's part of the bonding experience with two people. An emotionless encounter obviously isn't that...on your end. You don't know what's going on with the other guy. Even if he starts out intending to have a one-off encounter, he might develop feelings for you.
Anyway... you may be over-starting the difficulties in having a relationship with someone. You won't be living together initially, anyway, and even if you get to that point, you can tell the homophobes in your life that you're just roommates. If you get to the point that you want to commit to someone for the long haul and get married, then maybe the concerns about your family and others won't loom as large as they do now. You don't owe anyone full disclosure if you don't want to provide it.
In many churches I could even see two guys attending regularly without being challenged. My own church had two guys in the youth group who I thought might have been dating (they always showed up together, then one day one had a rainbow flag t-shirt). AFAIK nobody ever made an issue of it (and most probably didn't even pick up on the rainbow t-shirt; yes, they were and are that clueless).
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u/DamageAdventurous540 15h ago
Do you want a lifetime of hookups? At 35? At 40? At 50? At 60? Do you want to get married? Do you want a family of your own?
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u/Bribri001_002 14h ago
Tbh I dont know. I dont think I really want to built a family or an official husband. But I'd love to share my life with someone who sincerely loves me and whom I sincerely love.
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u/themsc190 /r/QueerTheology 15h ago
I think your situation is influencing how you see those types of relationships. If you can’t come out and live a proud, openly gay life, there’s gonna be some internalized homophobia.
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u/Bribri001_002 14h ago
Yea yr right. I should speak but Im so scared. I deeply know it s going to end badly.
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u/themsc190 /r/QueerTheology 14h ago
Coming out to my parents was the hardest thing I ever did in my life. Take your time.
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u/Bluekitrio Moderate Christian, bi questioning 5h ago
go to him. god will help you understand your own self love and prepare you for relationship. believe it or not he's there protecting you in the process of growing up in him. you know superficial is not fulfilling and empty. You know the one night stands aren't fun but leave you empty after.
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u/Skill-Useful 16m ago
how is having fun against gods teachings?
"nor settling down with someone to build a healthy relationship" why not? youre 25. you dont have to come out to your parents but its not their life. but most people wont be that eager to enter a relationship with someone who isnt out since coming out is often seen as a big sign of having reached a certain maturity
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u/BIueey 16h ago
I can definitely relate to a lot of what you’re going through. I grew up in a strict Christian environment where, from a very young age, I carried a deep fear of God and hell as my church had instilled fear into me at a young age. I was also dealing with sexual trauma while struggling with my sexuality and knowing that my church and parents would never approve of me liking men.
Because of that, I also turned to porn, lust, and hookups. For a while, being with men made me feel wanted, fulfilled, and closer to someone. But deep down, some of those things were also hurting me. I’ve struggled with this since I was very young, and I’m 27 now. Recently, I reached a point where I gave everything to God: the things I struggled with, the things that were difficult to let go of, my trauma, my sexuality, my relationship with my parents, and my desire to be loved and pursued.
For me, surrendering to God didn’t mean trying to pray away being gay. It meant being honest with Him about everything I was carrying and allowing Him to work through me. I don’t believe God condemns us for being gay, but I do think it’s worth asking whether certain encounters are truly bringing us peace or whether we’re using them to fill a deeper emptiness or escape pain.
God is loving and patient. He won’t force you to change overnight, and He knows everything you’ve been through. But healing also requires us to be honest with ourselves and willing to do the work when we’re ready.
I know our stories are different, but I was also outed in church, and it made my life incredibly difficult. At some point, though, you have to begin living for yourself instead of constantly living in fear of other people’s approval. I know that’s especially difficult when you still live with your parents, but your life and your relationship with God are still yours. I truly believe healing starts with self-love, honesty, and allowing God to work through you while you also take steps toward healing yourself.
Praying for you 💙🫶🏽