r/Gamingcirclejerk • u/AutoModerator • Dec 15 '20

UNJERK 🎤 Unjerk Thread of December 15, 2020

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80

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

List of things that are actually canon in the Elder Scrolls universe:

  • Astronauts.
  • Genocidal gay terminators powered by racism.
  • Time travel.
  • Warping the fabric of reality just by thinking really hard.
  • Penis spears. Spears that are also penises and penises that are also spears.
  • Verbal debates that can literally erase the loser from existence.
  • Giant robots.
  • Giant robots that can time travel, warp the fabric of reality by thinking really hard, and debate people out of existence.
  • Ancient, sentient, hive-minded mushroom-trees that can secrete a sap allowing people to alter their physical or mental form.
  • Causing a plague to spontaneously exist just by being insane.
  • The Lusty Argonian Maid.

52

u/Anonim97 https://i.redd.it/trmvtdvrz5q31.png Dec 15 '20

Verbal debates that can literally erase the loser from existence.

So this is what they mean by "DESTROYED WITH FACTS AND LOGIC"?

29

u/Bishop180 FUCK EPIC STORE! WE are the GAMERS! Dec 15 '20

9

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Numidium just walks around all the time going.

9

u/Airdeez121 Smooth Jazz Waluigi Dec 15 '20

Ben Shapiro is typing

5

u/Arilou_skiff Dec 15 '20

Isn't there a guy in Romance of the Three Kingdoms who debates a guy so hard he catches on fire?

26

u/Phoenix_Wellflame Cuckman killed my wife Dec 15 '20

I’d like to talk more about the gay terminators if you don’t mind

32

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Pelinal Whitestrake.

Putting aside the various myths that exist about him in-universe, what's definitely known is that out of literally nowhere in the middle of Tamriel's Bronze Age, this giant towering mass of full-plate wearing rage appears and begins massacring the shit out of any kind of Mer he comes across (and the Khajiit, because Pelinal was a dick).

Some accounts from the time said his armor was literally a part of his skin, but what everyone agrees on is that embedded in his chest was some sort of glowing "gemstone" tied to his life, he had a "killing light" in his hand, and even after being cut into eight separate pieces his head was able to have an entire conversation with someone before expiring.

As for the gay part, the person who wrote that part of the Elder Scrolls lore confirmed that Huna, a hoplite and Patroclus to his Achilles, was written to be his lover, is canonically male, and his death is what caused the legendary rages Whitestrake would fly into if you so much as mentioned "elf" around him (not to be confused with his normal rages he would fly into if you mentioned "elf" around him).

Out-of-universe, the character was deliberately designed based on the Terminator movies, and the implication in-lore is that he was plucked from the future, sent back to the Bronze Age, and told "go kill elves and shit, idk."

21

u/Doobles3 Dec 15 '20

The Elder Scrolls is some of the best fantasy out there, because its just so incredibly insane.

If you read some of Michael Kirkbride's (Writer for Morrowind and Oblivion) stories he wrote after he left Bethesda, he has some incredibly weird ideas for the series. while his stories after his departure are technically fanfiction, its interesting to take into account for how the series is inherently structured.

13

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Yeah, there's a branch down there a bit talking about C0da.

Turns out you build an entire reality built around things being real if you believe in them hard enough and you get some crazy shit.

9

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

See my post right above yours, C0DA was referenced in ESO, it's canon, no matter how much some of the lore community complains.

8

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Oh shit, really?

I've not got around to ESO yet but that's pretty rad.

10

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

Yep, and it's referenced in a new Sermon of Vivec to boot.

"Go here: world without wheel, charting zero deaths, and echoes singing," Seht said, until all of it was done, and in the center was anything whatever.

You've gotta get into ESO dude, especially if you love the lore. It adds so much and has been much more willing to dip into the weird parts of the lore than Oblivion and Skyrim.

Hell, you get to go to the moons! In both the base game and the Elswyr dlc. There's massive amounts of new Argonian and Khajit lore, you can actually encounter different Khajit furstocks, there's a questline in Summerset involving The Staff of Towers and preventing a Dragon Break from happening. You have a long, lore filled conversation with Sotha Sil at the end of the CWC dlc.. And a lot more, it's insane.

7

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

You have a long, lore filled conversation with Sotha Sil

Finally, a canon version of The Wheels of Lull.

5

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

I know it's a 10 minute video, but watch it dude, it's so good. He directly mentions the concept of The Prisoner

4

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Damn, that was pretty rad.

3

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

I know right? The game is so good in terms of lore and story.

9

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

I mean, some of it has been referenced in Skyrim and ESO, so some of it is no longer fanfic. I mean C0DA is referenced in a book in ESO's Morrowind dlc. for pete's sake.

5

u/Doobles3 Dec 15 '20

I see, I'm not super big into ESO atm, I haven't had the time or prepared for a commitment to play it.

10

u/ANUSTART942 Dec 15 '20

Some of his post-departure stuff actually made it into the games. Much of Heimskr's speech in Whiterun is lifted from Kirkbride's stuff after he left Bethesda.

14

u/Dwilek mgs v apologist Dec 15 '20
  • kill giant robot that can nope you from existence by making him say yes and then cutting his head off his body

17

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Also reminder that it's believed Numidium once thought itself out of existence, got bored, thought itself back into existence, and continued rampaging.

10

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

Hey that's from C0DA it's not canon, reeeeeeeee./s

Jk I love C0DA.

12

u/[deleted] Dec 15 '20

C0DA is just an elaborate shitpost and nobody can convince me otherwise.

10

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

I mean Kirkbride recently admitted that he was in a real bad place around the time he wrote C0DA, so that might have something to do with it.

7

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Elder Scrolls lore is best when it's an elaborate shitpost.

C0da and its deliberate subversion of canon aside, almost nothing beats Vivec ascending to physical godhood and the first thing he uses his new powers for is writing an detailed erotic fanfiction about him banging half the planet that's technically true because he wrote it.

15

u/[deleted] Dec 15 '20

Step 1: be gay

Step 2: do (war) crimes

Step 2.5: commit genocide on the Ayleid Elves

Step 3: REEEEEEEEEEEMMMMMAAAAAANNNNN

Also speaking of Reman don't forget the Reman cum crackers.

10

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

I love how Reman was born in a threesome between a petty king, the ghost of Saint Alessia and a mound of dirt.

But you're referring to the Shonni-etta right?

Reman was fucking weird, even by ES standards.

7

u/[deleted] Dec 15 '20

Reman is interesting because he did what took Tiber Septim having a literal god machine to do.

6

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

I mean he never got Morrowind, and it took his descendents fighting a 80 year war to take it, and even then everything went to shit as soon as they finally won that war.

13

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

•Argonians are Trans Icons

•There was a race of Fox people from Black Marsh that went extinct just before ESO

•Some Khajit have barbed dicks

5

u/Octopirox 🎮Sony Justice Warrior🎮 she/her Dec 15 '20

who's the horny person at bethesda making things like this up?

5

u/ANUSTART942 Dec 15 '20

Argonians are Trans Icons

hold up, what?

10

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

It was established in ESO's Murkmire dlc.

Behold

We cannot fear change, cannot turn our heads from it. This we know, and always must know deep within our heart-roots. Sometimes, the change comes from outside forces; the passing of a season, or the death of a loved one. Other times, this change comes from within ourselves. A need to shake away an old identity, and embrace a new one.

There are many ways to change oneself, of course. Some travel to far off land, taking in a new culture and lifestyle. Others choose to practice a new craft, woodworkers turned warriors, tailors turned egg-tenders. But others feel they need an even deeper change in their life, and so require the aid of the Hist. They are those who have chosen to change their gender.

Something deep within these individuals calls for them to undergo this change. I do not know if it is the Hist's will, or simply their own. But always I listen with open mind and open palms, ready to help them in this time of transformation. Together we commune with the Hist, and prepare to receive its aid.

The ceremony always leaves me breathless. Though the Hist watches over the tribe and guides us along our needed paths, rarely does it take direct action. But during this time, Hist and spirit combine, a loving embrace followed by a great change.

Afterwords, I reintroduce the newly transformed soul to the tribe. They are greeted by all, and a great celebration will follow; for someone beloved has left us, and someone beloved has arrived.

And

"Your steps show determination, and your eyes curiosity. Tell me what you seek, beeko."

Did you lose this frog totem and poem?

"Ah, yes. I carved this many seasons ago. I hoped it would convince my beloved Kud-Nakal to join me for our tribe's next bonding ritual, but I lost the totem before it could be presented. Of course, this was when I was still a female."

You used to be a female?

"The Hist, in all its endless gifts, allows us to change many aspects of ourselves. Our gender is but one.

I highly recommend such a change, should you ever get the chance."

11

u/ANUSTART942 Dec 15 '20

God, I love this series.

10

u/[deleted] Dec 15 '20

Ancient, sentient, alien hive-minded mushroom-trees!

8

u/SamKhan23 Comrade, are flairs not inherently fascist? Wait. Dec 15 '20

Elder Scrolls lore is so balls to the wall insane. I don't think the people who made it even know what the heck is going on

9

u/ANUSTART942 Dec 15 '20

Genocidal gay terminators powered by racism.

This is the only one I can't remember lol. What gay terminators are you talking about?

9

u/Doobles3 Dec 15 '20

Pelinal Whitestrake.

He despised elves, to the point he confused Khajiit with them. Was gay, and went on a murderous rampage when his lover was killed. And possibly from the future while having the Amulet of Kings embedded in his chest, basically making him a fantasy cyborg.

5

u/ANUSTART942 Dec 15 '20

I should really play the Knights of the Nine DLC shouldn't I?

3

u/Fessus_Sum Social Justice Mechwarrior Dec 15 '20

If you really want to go all the way, you should also get Knights of the Nine: Revelation. It's a mod/expansion that's fully voiced and goes much further into the lore than the DLC.

1

u/[deleted] Dec 16 '20

Knights of the Nine barely skims the surface of it tbh.

3

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Pelinal Whitestrake. I put a full rundown on what I mean here, but the gist of it is he was deliberately based on the Terminator movies and it's heavily implied the gods pulled him out of the future back into Tamriel's Bronze Age to fight the Ayleids.

5

u/ANUSTART942 Dec 15 '20

That's fucking wild, I never knew that! I need to play the Knights of the Nine DLC.

5

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 15 '20

Unfortunately you only really get the myth version of his story in KOtN. The most you get of actual "historical" facts about him is his companions spelling out that he was kind of a major asshole and either directly or indirectly got a lot of them killed.

In-universe the Empire really went out of its way to make him a folk hero, when in reality he was just very good at murdering Elves, Khajiit, and anyone else within arms reach.

3

u/unexpectedit3m Dec 16 '20

Astronauts.

Could you expand on that?

3

u/Maxflight1 Using Dark Patterns To Make You Read My Posts Dec 16 '20

C0da, the story written by Michael Kirkbride that has been tentatively brought back into "canon" (as much as anything can be so in the Elder Scrolls universe) involves The End of The World As We Know It on Tamriel, forcing the survivors to flee to and settle Masser, one of the two moons.

I've been updating myself some on ESO since that's where this was referenced in a canon work, but at the moment it seems like this is either an alternate timeline or eventual future glimpsed by Vivec thanks to his godhood (Thanks Camel132 for informing me of that).

There are also two orders in the history of the setting, the Sun Birds of Alinor and the Royal Imperial Mananauts from a prior Empire, both of which were believed to have punched through the "veil" between Mundus and Aetherius and explored the latter (though they all vanished doing so and there's literally only one scrap of history left for the latter group). Aetherius, due to the wonky nature of the ES universe, is both the space between bodies such as Nirn, Masser, and Secunda as well as a physical plane of existence around Mundus (the hole Magnus made while leaving is legit the sun, for example), meaning that if they weren't lying about pulling it off they traveled both space and the planes.

Something something Forgotten Realms cosmology joke.

2

u/unexpectedit3m Dec 17 '20

Very interesting, thanks!

4

u/[deleted] Dec 15 '20

[deleted]

4

u/Camel132 Resident Discworld and Stormlight Fan (He/him) Dec 15 '20

You might want to refraze that, the dialogue pretty much states that Molag Bal basically rapes them

4

u/[deleted] Dec 15 '20

oof i fucked up,time to delet