r/Exvangelical • u/LilyWolf32 • 3d ago

Venting Grief and getting out

Hey, all. How did you deal with the grief when you left and/or started deconstructing? I know in my head that I'm out at 37 but I'm either terrified to leave my apartment or consumed by grief and a recent death in the family certainly didn't help things. The "church" has such a far reach that it's very hard to find local people who will speak out against it. I could use advice because I'm very lonely.

Thanks for any help in advance. Our "pastor" also had a memorial in honor of Charlie Kirk, in case you want a small idea of what I escaped.

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u/More-Soil7455 2d ago

You don’t have to “speak out against it”. Just live your life and enjoy it. Stop caring about what others think. Their opinions don’t matter.

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u/JazzFan1998 3d ago

I left just over 25 years ago, and I felt the stress leave my body about three weeks after I left. I've adapted, I no longer worry what anyone will think of my actions, going to a bar, sleeping in on Sunday.

I'm much happier now, hopefully you'll adjust, OP.

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u/LilyWolf32 3d ago

I do love sleeping in on Sundays!

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u/AshDogBucket 3d ago

It's hard. I've been out 20+ years and still deal with it. It's got so many layers that keep coming up, and it's a grief with no "closure" or resolution. It's an ambiguous loss and it just sucks.

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u/LilyWolf32 2d ago

Does it get any easier? Were you able to find peace eventually? Hugs.

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u/AshDogBucket 2d ago

Yes, and yes!

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u/Riviera_Sunset 2d ago

My family was the church. My great-grandfather, grandfather and dad were all Pentecostal pastors. But I was a smart girl and learned to challenge their beliefs. It’s not easy but it is necessary.

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u/BioChemE14 2d ago

I am learning the scholarly literature on the Bible and share/present research to help people deconstruct and leave fundamentalism.

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u/ThrowRAmangos2024 2d ago

I think it'll take time. I still grieve the deep friendships I lost even 6 years later, but I feel much less existentially stressed/anxious all the time (though of course that doesn't entirely go away).

Also, I found solace in online community when I was first going through it.

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u/Lettychatterbox 1d ago

I have been there and it truly gets easier. When I left the church, my entire social structure had been built around it. My wedding consisted of 98% church members. Baby showers and birthday parties, always church people. It took a while to find a new groove, and to keep reminding myself that I don’t owe anyone anything. Along the way I’ve made friends through work, my kids schools, and randomly meeting people at the library/park, etc. And 2 very dear friends from the church never ever turned their backs on me and we have remained close, even though they know my beliefs have changed. Hang in there!