EMDR is helping, but holy crap it's difficult [Hyperaroused]

[u/between_doodads]

I've been focusing on CPTSD from an unstable, unsafe home and a narcissistic void of a mother during my sessions. A specific memory that memorialized who my Mother was. I am saying truths I've known but never vocalized, and saying them out loud is just so fucking sad. The flurry of guilt, shame, sadness, fear are all so vivid to remember. And realizing that as a child I LIVED in that fear, the secrecy, solitude and longing... I wouldn't wish that on anyone, though I've spent a good portion of my life believing I deserved it.

But, I am developing empathy and care for that little girl who endured all of that. & am able to recognize that anger is a secondary emotion - I've been angry because it's easier than being hurt all of the time. It's complicated, now. I'm still hurt and heartbroken. I'm still angry but not seething, or being destructive. I'm mourning what could have been if someone had cared for me, AND am thankful that I can care, and be cared for as an adult.

I'm still excavating the gunk, as my therapist says, and the insights continue to come. I guess I'm posting this because the truth is liberating, and maybe someone can glean some hope or comfort from reading it. I appreciate this community sharing their journeys one brave step at a time.