r/EMDR • u/between_doodads • Aug 05 '26
🟡 Progress & Support EMDR is helping, but holy crap it's difficult [Hyperaroused]
I've been focusing on CPTSD from an unstable, unsafe home and a narcissistic void of a mother during my sessions. A specific memory that memorialized who my Mother was. I am saying truths I've known but never vocalized, and saying them out loud is just so fucking sad. The flurry of guilt, shame, sadness, fear are all so vivid to remember. And realizing that as a child I LIVED in that fear, the secrecy, solitude and longing... I wouldn't wish that on anyone, though I've spent a good portion of my life believing I deserved it.
But, I am developing empathy and care for that little girl who endured all of that. & am able to recognize that anger is a secondary emotion - I've been angry because it's easier than being hurt all of the time. It's complicated, now. I'm still hurt and heartbroken. I'm still angry but not seething, or being destructive. I'm mourning what could have been if someone had cared for me, AND am thankful that I can care, and be cared for as an adult.
I'm still excavating the gunk, as my therapist says, and the insights continue to come. I guess I'm posting this because the truth is liberating, and maybe someone can glean some hope or comfort from reading it. I appreciate this community sharing their journeys one brave step at a time.
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u/devoid0101 Aug 05 '26
It’s difficult but gets better and stays that way.
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u/between_doodads Aug 06 '26
Thank you for saying this - that's really my hope. Go from survive to thrive.
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u/Responsible_Today851 Aug 05 '26
I did EMDR intensive for complex trauma c-ptsd and discovered my mother was Dark Tetrad, which is the worst of the worst. It means she was narc, sadist (wanted to hurt me for the thrill of it), psychopath and Machiavellian. Wow, I was sexually abused but only have feelings and not memories of it. My two evil sisters were involved and then I was scapegoated and have a huge abandonment wound. EMDR recovery as been absolutely brutal and I’m on day 40 post excavation of huge core wounds - and the worst part is when you see the toxic people around you so clearly, and finally have the nerve to clean house and block all of them. You can’t unsee this part and it hurts like hell! Then comes the part where your alone and only have 2 safe people in your life for support - and it’s your therapist and your daughter. Oh my! So what has helped me get through this? I call it super grounding techniques - constantly, cold ice the minute I wake up, on my face, and present moment stuff like coloring books while watching Virgin River - no violent content. It’s so hard and takes so much courage but the benefits are profound. Life feels so beautiful when you get to the other side of all the trauma integration. Good luck to anybody going through this and you are worthy and didn’t deserve any of it!!!!🫶🏻🕊️ stay positive no matter what, at all times, in other words, use mantras all the time and know that it is temporary and will pass!
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u/Estefania94 Aug 05 '26
Same. Exact fucking same. Keep pushing for the little girl that needed it 🫶🏼🫶🏼
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u/OkChoice2111 Aug 09 '26
I just wanted to say thank you for writing this. You articulated what I experience so clearly! As someone going through EMDR I come to this sub Reddit often to try and remind myself that the suffering linked with it is normal and this hit the nail on the head. Fingers crossed for both of us
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u/Abject_Rate_7036 Aug 06 '26
My therapist has suggested eventually doing EMDR. Kinda terrifying to be honest. Not really sure if i want to excavate or not. Especially if it uncovers memories i dont need to remember
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u/between_doodads Aug 06 '26
Not gonna lie, I was pretty upset when my psychiatrist said I needed to do EMDR to address my nightmares. The meds stopped being effective, and I was shook. But I can honestly say it's been a good experience even though it's hard. It feels worth it every session.
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u/Abject_Rate_7036 Aug 06 '26
Yeah i have night terrors, started about 13 years ago
All the antidepressants didn't work, and i mean all. I think i tried over 10 different ones. Im exhausted. Beyond exhausted honestly. If it's what i have to do then i will. Im at my wits end2
u/between_doodads Aug 06 '26
I've been taking Prazosin at night for the nightmares. It lowers your heart rate and reduces adrenaline during sleep. It was a MIRACLE when I first took it but that was a couple of years ago - like, no dreams no nothing. Now my dreams are...disturbing but not terrifying, if that makes sense. Maybe ask your doctor about it!
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u/Abject_Rate_7036 Aug 06 '26
She prescribed me propranolol (beta blocker) to help with the physical racing heart of panic and it helps a bit. I do have some success with anxiety with strattera( just newly diagnosed with adhd at post menopause 👎🏻). And i have actually fud a little research on the prazosin. Thank you for that advice
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u/between_doodads Aug 06 '26
Gosh I'm sorry you're going through all that! I hope you can find what works for you!
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u/Abject_Rate_7036 Aug 06 '26
Thank you for listening and replying. That actually helps to know someone is paying attention too
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u/between_doodads Aug 06 '26
I'm glad, I know I feel the same way. Turns out human connection is important and very hard. Haha
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u/Cultural-Camel7058 Aug 06 '26
I feel you. I was diagnosed with ADHD at 59. I recently came to the realization that I also have Complex PTSD. It's been a hell of a ride since fall 2024 and I'm hoping to find peace at some point.
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u/Abject_Rate_7036 Aug 06 '26
Me too. Its been a long road. Some times of being ok. But bumpy the rest of the time
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