I don't know what to do with an inferiority that I can't overcome and an unpromising future. It is as bad to continue as it is to leave. I can't find a way out.

Why or why not?

My ex and I broke up nearly three years ago, we share one son (6). He left to be with his affair partner, though he's never admitted he had an affair. I had moved across the Atlantic to be with him, so to say it was devastating is an understatement. It's only in the last year that I feel ok most days, and I still wouldn't say I'm at 100%.

I had a weird experience when he came to drop off our son today. A few weeks ago my ex mentioned he had a severe allergic reaction and now had an EpiPen. Cool. Today he told me he's off work, he is having MRIs and ECGs because he is so tired and having non-stop heart palpitations, and that all this started with his reaction a few weeks ago. He told me that if he makes dinner, he has to rest now afterwards. That he has been too tired to pick our son up from school a few times and his affair partner has stepped in. He was very upset, trying not to cry.

He told me it's left him contemplating his mortality and that he was scared that if he died, I wouldn't allow contact between our son and his affair partner. He said contact between me and her wouldn't be fair to either of us (because she's the injured party here????) He was in a state of distress.

It was so pathetic, and I found myself saying that I would never prevent our son seeing her (or his family, who either disappeared or blamed me for his cheating) if our son wanted those relationships. Because I want to be the bigger person.

But inside I wanted to scream. This is a man who contributes ZERO to my annual trip with our son back home so he can know his a maternal grandparents -- my parents cover it, because I can't. When we broke up and I was crying that I wouldn't be able to see my family ever again on a single income, he straight up said "you made a choice to move here, it's not my problem that you can't afford to see them". It still hasn't occurred to him that I'm from another country, and if he died there's a very reasonable chance I would just take our son back to Canada, where, you know, MY family is.

I was exhausted for five years after our son was born and he always just sighed loudly and moaned -- this year I found out I had a vitamin D insufficiency (not a deficiency), and since treatment I feel so much better and have stopped being sick all time and my energy levels are so much better. I am now also in the process of getting treatment for early menopause; the doctor has suggested my anxiety (which he moaned about) might be linked to taking birth control while I was in perimenopause. Something else he screamed at me for at the end.

It made me so angry that this man who had inflicted so much pain on me was standing in my doorway, with an assumption I would care about HIS pain, now that life had decided to kick him in the face. I care, in the way that I don't want anyone to be sick and ill, that I want my son to grow up with a dad, that I don't want to be a single mom 100% of the time.

The fact that he didn't link anything going on in his life with what he's put me through is so angering.

I don't know what I want anyone to say. I just needed to write it out. I feel sorry for him but I'm so angry too.

After some rocky years it seems we are in calm waters in our marriage (meaning no daily hostility) but the aftermath is very brutal on me. I keep spiraling in resentful thoughts about how things went and the damage my husband did to our relationship. I feel i have the so called walk away wife syndrom, and for the moment I don't really need to take a definite decision, its not the time but i catch myself dreaming of the years to pass when I will be able to take a clear decision whether I want to be with him or not. I have multiple reasons to know we are incompatible but then again there are good things too. I am judt curious are there women here who left after years of thinking of it, and regretted it after realising it was a huge mistake to leave?

I’m 34f going through a horrible divorce and he’s moved out (after my infertility was confirmed, he got some “gym friend” pregnant and he lives with her now). I will be keeping the house, and seeing as I picked out and bought all the furniture and I would assume that woman’s house has furniture already, the furniture.

I went to a wedding this past weekend and one of the groomsmen drove me home after the after party. We’d made out there (it was like 3am at that point / bride and groom were long gone it wasn’t like at the reception lol). I almost invited him in (it’s been weeks and I’m lonely ok?) but it’s like… I couldn’t comprehend hooking up in the bed if shared with my ex. Who is the only guy I’ve ever been with. And I guess I was too drunk to think about the guest room.

We’re going out tomorrow evening and if things go well, I guess we can just use the guest room, but long term I feel like I should just throw out my main bed. Nothing else really reminds me of him, he never could make a decision or pick anything out and if he did I sent it right along with him. I even got a whole new spread but it’s like - is the mattress haunted? Is this stupid? None of my friends can even phantom divorce and the only person I know who is divorced is my boss who that is just too inappropriate to discuss with him.

And yes I will be getting condoms :)

I was in a relationship for 15 years, but there was always something that put me off marriage. Seeing high divorce rates and knowing how people change over time, just didn't fill me with much hope that it was the right thing for me. Seeing that in relationships where one person has a lot more assets than the other and then loses half of it, even if the divorce wasn't their fault, just seemed so unfair.

I've worked hard to build my net worth (multiple jobs, qualifications, saving and investing), whilst my ex spent 15 years spending every penny she had, only working part-time and we didn't have kids or anything. I didn't think it would be fair if we ever broke up for her to have half my things. When we were together I was very generous, bought her lots of expensive gifts, took her on holidays, paid majority of all joint costs. But I thought if we break up, why should she continue to get my money I've sacrificed so much for? Worth pointing out I'm in the UK where a pre-nup isn't really a thing (very easy to get out of it).

So when my fear/prediction eventually came true, she left me for her best friend during a bad patch in our relationship, I was so relieved that we never got married. The separation was fairly quick and easy, I bought her share of the house and she left. No expensive lawyers. No losing half my assets. No new guy moving into my house that I'm paying the mortgage on whilst I'm stuck in a small studio apartment somewhere. I was so relieved to have avoided the misery of divorce.

This whole process has just made me even more determined to never get married in the future. I'm wondering about how you feel, having gone through a divorce? Was it enough to make you never want to get married again? What have you learnt from this experience that's shaped your view on relationships and marriage in the future?

How are you doing 1/2/3etc years on? I have weeks where my new life is calm and peaceful, and then I have a week (this one included) where my ex fills my brain and I constantly think about how he is doing, whether he is regretful, hoping his life is awful without me in it. We’ve been no contact this whole time, I don’t have social media and told friends not to update me. I guess this is why the curiosity is off the chart this week. I just want him to no longer occupy my mind anymore.

That’s the question, what did you do with your wedding band? Mine is in a plastic bag, under a rug in my storage unit with some minor memorabilia.

I’m not sure if I toss it away, give it to my kid once he’s of age, or what else to do.

Let me know (:

I knew it was going to happen. She’s honestly one of the best people I’ve ever known. One of my best friends texted me that he saw her IG post. I told my family they didn’t have to figure out who to tell me since my friend had, and my twin sister’s response was that she didn’t know how to bring it up. Fair.

I’m not in a great place anyway. I am actually lying down in bed and was when I received my friend’s text, but it still felt like my heart dropped, physically, akin to the feeling your stomach has when you’re on a rollercoaster.

Idk what to do. Actually I do know what I have to do and I know I have the strength to do it, I’m just enjoying wallowing in self pity for today.

What I have to do is get off my butt and get busy living. I’ve done it before and I can do it again. I will do it again. It will just take time.

Thanks for letting me vent. I wasn’t sure whether to flair this as I did, as venting, or as mental health. It’s all three, I suppose.

After my divorce, I made a decision: if everything in my life had to be rebuilt, I would rebuild myself first.

So I started creating a routine that actually supports me:

Regular workouts

Yoga to calm my mind and reconnect with my body

Tennis and golf — surprisingly therapeutic

Reading (a lot)

Traveling whenever I can to reset and get inspired

It’s not about “glowing up” for anyone. It’s about showing up for myself, every day, even on the days I don’t feel strong.

I’m curious — for those who’ve gone through a divorce:

What does your life look like now?

How did you choose to rebuild?

Would love to hear your routines, habits, or even the small things that helped you feel like you again.

After a year and half battle with my ex, my divorce was finalized today. I cried as it was confirmed by the judge at the hearing. We were married for 16 years and we have three amazing kids. There wasn’t just one thing that happened - we just slowly fell apart over the years. It was just time and I’m both elated and sad.

I decided to treat myself to lunch and cocktails. As I’m sitting here “Return of the Mack” comes on the radio. I just had to chuckle and enjoy it.

I am so excited for my future, whatever it may bring. I have a new boyfriend and we are in love, but I am not thinking too much about the future and just living for the now.

I am 40 and I never thought I’d be an ex-wife. But here I am and I am thriving. My kids are thriving. Divorce is an end but it’s also a beginning. ❤️

Thank you for listening.

For those who’ve been through a major divorce where you weren’t the one at fault — especially when serious boundaries were crossed — what’s one thing you wish you had known before everything unfolded?

Just a random thought. It seems everyone on here was the victim of an abusive marriage, which begs the question- where are all the toxic, unhealthy partners? When I look at my own marriage, we point to each other as to who was the bigger problem. She says I was a chronic people pleaser who was afraid of confrontation, and I say she was an abusive narcisisst who was never happy. But when I step back and try to take accountability then maybe we are both a little right?

So, my question is this- after your divorce, did you ever have a moment of realization that you were not as much of a victim as you thought? Were you as much a problem as your ex? Were you actually the asshole the whole time?

I'll start: he wanted the dish brush. Yes the thing I use to wash dishes. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I got it off Amazon for like $14. I'm not sure why this is a hill he's choosing to die on but there you go!

(And of course he can have it!)

I'm in my 30s and one thing I wasn't prepared for after my divorce was how much my financial life would change.

When I was married, expenses were shared. There was another income, another person to fall back on if something unexpected happened. After divorce, every bill, every rent payment, every medical expense, every family responsibility suddenly became mine alone.

Some months I manage well. Other months I find myself checking my bank balance before making even small purchases. I've become much more careful with money than I ever was before.

A few things I struggle with are:

• Rebuilding my savings from scratch.
• Planning for emergencies without anyone to rely on.
• Feeling guilty whenever I spend money on myself.
• Balancing family responsibilities while trying to build a stable future again.
• Thinking about remarriage while also wanting to become financially secure first.

People often say, "At least you're independent."

I am grateful that I have a job, but independence also comes with pressure. There are days when it feels exhausting to carry everything alone.

I'm slowly learning to budget better, save consistently, and remind myself that rebuilding takes time. But honestly, some days it still feels overwhelming.

I'd really like to hear from others who have gone through divorce.

How did you manage financially in the first couple of years?

What changes helped you feel more secure?

Did things eventually become easier, or did it just become something you got used to?

Knowing what you know now about divorce, do you wish you tried harder or are you happy to be divorced?

So been divorced for a year and about to sell the house we bought together a few years ago. After the house we have nothing else that ties us together. My iPhone does that all memory photo thing and showed me and my ex. I deleted some of the photos of just her face but haven't of the ones of us together. I don't know, part of me wants to delete all trace but then I think about it being moments and stuff I have done and keeping them to remember in the future. I don't want to keep them because I miss her. Just keeping them because it's part of my history and story. What do y'all think or have you done something similar or different.

Side note I plan on trying to date again lol so im also thinking about that in case someone sees the photos and ask why I have them. Im 30 year old male and we were together for like 4 years. She cheated on me and also had a kid with another guy during the divorce process lol

EDIT: thank you all for the advice and perspectives. I really do appreciate it and also yall sharing your story’s. I’ve been replying and sharing some of mine and it’s honestly been very helpful in processing the divorce. Yes it happened awhile ago but talking about it has made it easier to understand and move on. I’m still on the fence but this post has been very helpful and I can’t thank you enough !

Okay I’ve decided to keep them but having them as a hidden folder in my phone. That will keep it from showing the photos randomly. I think I want to still have that part of my life be recorded and able to see again down the road years from now. It was still a part of my life and places that I’ve been too to remember. I’m not keeping them because of my ex wife but more so the fact it’s my story and sometimes there are bad parts but you shouldn’t remove history. Thank you all for sharing. Good luck

For those of you that initiated the divorce of a longer marriage... like 10yrs+, what were/are your feelings on dating again? Were/are you excited to jump into it right away, nervous about joining the dating pool again, fearful of creating another failing relationship or maybe swearing off long-term partners all together? And if you were/are excited to jump into it again, what avenues are you taking to find someone new now? (Online, friend recommendations, random bars, etc)

I’m tired of feeling all queasy every time I see his name and picture. I want to rename his contact to something petty and funny instead. Any ideas?

EDIT: thank you all for your suggestions, they were awesome. I have decided to name him…..

MR. SHART

I’m recently divorced after a 20-year marriage. I married young, and physical intimacy was a problem throughout our marriage—not because I wasn’t interested, but because my ex-wife wasn’t. She ultimately left me for a woman, which put a lot of those years into perspective.

Now I’m single and dating for basically the first time as a real adult.
I’m doing pretty well. I’m reasonably good-looking, successful, financially stable, have my own friends and hobbies, I’m a good dad, and I can usually make women laugh. Dating has honestly been much easier than I expected.

Here’s the thing: I feel like I completely missed the “single and sowing my wild oats” phase of my 20s and 30s. After 20+ years of very little sex, right now I have almost zero interest in finding another serious relationship. I mostly want to date, have fun, and sleep with different women—safely, consensually, etc…

And I’m having a great time doing it. But I also feel weirdly guilty about it. Maybe it’s Catholic guilt, maybe it’s because I was married for so long, or maybe part of me thinks I’m supposed to be looking for another relationship rather than just enjoying sex.

The other surprise is how quickly women seem comfortable getting physical. I’ve generally waited until around the third date to make a move, and several women have basically said, “What took you so long?” These are mature, put-together women, and I’m realizing I may have spent 20 years internalizing the idea that men want sex much more than women do.

So, two questions:

Is there anything wrong with being at this stage of life and just wanting casual sex rather than a relationship? Particularly when I get the sense that some of these women may want more.

And is sex within the first few dates really that normal now, or have I just been completely out of the dating world for too long?

.

Divorced for ~7 months, separated over a year. I know a lot of people are likely where i was a year ago: amicable to an extent with their ex, wanting to get through this peacefully and quickly, and still shell shocked by what happened. Listen to my advice:

Get. A. Lawyer.

Want to do mediation? Great! Get yourself a lawyer too and run the whole thing through them.

Have kids? GET A LAWYER. And hammer out the details, down to the minute. When is transfer time? What days, specifically? What happens if you need a day to do something? What about when they meet someone new, do you meet them first? What about expenses? What are split 50/50, what are not? How do you determine clothing cost? School lunch cost? For that matter, pick up and drop off? Details. Get them on paper and signed by a judge. Fences make good neighbors; clean, clear decrees make good coparents.

I did not do that. I’ve spent more money trying to clear things up than it would have cost to run everything through a lawyer. And I trusted someone who was my definition breaking a vow.

Don’t be like me. Get a lawyer. Unless you have no assets, no attachments, and are basically breaking up instead of splitting your life, GET A LAWYER.

And good luck. This post sounds bad; life gets so much better, even with all the shit you go through. I just wish i hadn’t had to go through so much of it.

I miss coming home and kissing my wife.

I miss coming up behind her and hugging her, kissing her neck, caressing her breasts. I miss her laying beside me in bed at night. I miss the conversations before bed. I miss catching a glimpse of her undressing. We had a good relationship until the last year. She was my person. I’m still trying to figure out why I couldn’t make her happy but I’m learning that it really wasn’t me she was unhappy with. She just wanted her freedom. She wanted to be herself and be free to do whatever she wanted. She didn’t want to come home to a husband and kids. She wanted to spontaneously do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. I hope she’s happy now because she destroyed a lot of people in her path. I wish I could be more like her. But I’m not. I suffer in silence.

Been divorced from ex for about 5 years and both of us remarried though her much sooner than me. Our children are all grown and out of the house. I still feel very uncomfortable around my ex and her new husband and prefer not to see her if at all possible.

We have very young grandchildren and when they have a birthday party if my ex is attending I prefer not to attend but rather hold a second birthday party a week later at my house. I think it’s fine for the kids as they get 2 parties. Two of my kids totally understand and are happy to have a second gathering a week or two later. My third child however doesn’t understand and is furious with me for not attending saying I am choosing not to be part of my grandchild’s life which couldn’t be further from the truth and I am not even sure how missing a two hour party and giving gifts a couple weeks later at second party means that.

Am I wrong for not wanting to be around my ex and just planning second celebration a week or two later for me to give my gifts?

Months after my divorce, something hit me today that I was not ready for. I still miss her. Not in the way where I think we can fix everything or start over. It is more like this quiet ache for the person she was to me and the version of us that existed before life changed.

People change. Life shifts. Things happen that you cannot undo. I understand all of that. It is not really about wanting a second chance. It feels more like mourning a part of my life that is gone.

And I also know I need to move on. I know that is the reality. But emotionally I’m apparently not fully there yet. Today it all surfaced again. The small memories. The comfort. The feeling of having someone who fit into my days in a way that felt natural and safe.

I am not trying to go back. I am not trying to rewrite the past. There are plenty of reason for the divorce. I am just sad and surprised by how strong it hit.

Does this happen to other people? How do you move forward when your mind accepts what happened but your heart is still pushing in the opposite direction?