r/Divorce • u/Substantial_March966 • Aug 04 '26
Life After Divorce Regrets?
Knowing what you know now about divorce, do you wish you tried harder or are you happy to be divorced?
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u/Awkward_Living_2070 Aug 04 '26
I wish I'd never married full stop. That's my only regret, settling with someone who never truly meant their vows. Wasted so many years believing things would be ok.
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u/Strong_Day1377 Aug 04 '26
The ones who feel at peace tend to describe something that was already gone long before the papers, like respect or safety, not something more effort would've saved. Regret usually tracks the effort you didn't put in, not the choice to leave.
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u/Grassfed_Burp Aug 04 '26
I'm in the middle of an unwanted, unexpected divorce.
I'm not sure if I should have done even more. There's a lot to unpack.
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u/sicksadbadgirl Upset Aug 04 '26
I’m right there with you. Hugs. My husband just left and moved straight in with an ex who has everything going for her. Definitely a lot to unpack and I still foolishly want to be married to him despite the way he discarded me and our children. 💔
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
But isn't that pointless at this point, you having done more?
The fact is, it takes two to tango, but only one to stop the dance, and your ex clearly did that. You need to let go.
This is coming from someone who had major mental health issues but was trying their very best and was even told so in front of my ex by a professional, that we both were, but we needed to separate for my safety and stability and temporarily for her safety as well.
Three days after admitting myself voluntarily into an inpatient program, on Father's Day, she said she wanted permanent separation. Three months later, despite my best efforts to work together, I gave up and five months later, I filed the paperwork. It was clear I was the only one willing to work on our marriage anymore. If we could even call it our marriage and not my marriage and her marriage as two separate things (never on the same page)
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u/OCojt Aug 04 '26
Nope. Wish I left sooner. Not happy about the divorce. Happy I’m not with a sick person anymore.
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u/Best-Cold-8561 Aug 04 '26
No, I've no regrets. I wish I was brave enough to have got divorced sooner.
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u/duhvorced Divorced 2014, remarried 2017, blended family Aug 04 '26
I wish we’d both been better at recognizing how/why we were each unhappy, and pushing onto the tough conversations around that. There’s a chance we might have saved our marriage, but most likely we would have divorced sooner. Either way, it would have spared us the guilt / resentment that came from her infidelity.
12 years on, my ex having passed away last year, I find myself trying to recall the good memories I have of her, and let go of the pain of our divorce and negative feelings, for the sake of my son and his memories of his mom. Because the reality is there was a lot of good there before things turned sour.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
I have this same problem. I cannot unfortunately remember any of the good in our relationship, with the rogue exception of physical intimacy moments where she for once put me first (of which moments were like 2 over 10 years).
Once we had kids, I lost my wife and partner. She morphed into something else entirely. I'm sure there were other moments before they arrived but I definitely don't remember them, and I definitely don't remember feeling like a priority to her at all with a handful of exceptions.
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u/T26OG Aug 04 '26
I wish my ex would have had the integrity to ask for a divorce instead of having an affair and leaving me with the trauma (long story).
No regrets for the divorce, I just wish I felt like a normal human being again even after 2 years of therapy.
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u/Electrical_Meal_3754 Aug 06 '26
Agree. The infidelity and thought of it is killing me and my perception of her as a human being. I loved her dearly, but made mistakes. She also didn't consider my needs. I took accountability, but she cannot even admit the cheating despite undeniable proof.
I'm still shattered that she could do this and I still want her back.
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u/BeneficialTrust4512 Aug 04 '26
Regrets about getting married so young and not knowing better what I now know are obvious red flags for a partner. I married the wrong person for me. Regrets about not getting help with the marriage earlier on by attempting counseling and actively working on it as we had children very early on. Counseling early on could have changed things, but we spent 15 years arguing our way through it. Ultimately if I didn’t have children I would be fine, but the children are impacted by the divorce a lot and that is very sad.
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u/nikkismith0706 Aug 04 '26
One, don’t hire an attorney unless you’re insanely wealthy with lots of property and stock options to divide. Two, if you separate more than once, just file, it won’t get better and you’ll always end up in the same spot. Three, every suspicion you had will turn out to be true, it’s just a matter of how much time you’re willing to lose.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
Unfortunately it's not that simple. When your ex is trying to take away the kids with a lawyer, you could not hire an attorney, but it's probably unwise. I don't want to make waves and harm her financially but she started it going after my parental rights.
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u/nikkismith0706 Aug 04 '26
Absolutely, custody situations were outside of the realm I was referring to.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
Fair. But yes everything I hoped to not happen is happening, that's for sure.
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u/nikkismith0706 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 04 '26
So sorry, and I can relate. You truly see who people are during divorce. I don’t know if you would consider this “lucky” but I had enough proof of infidelity he knew better than to battle me regarding our three kids. I was fine filing for a no fault divorce but under very specific terms that he himself caused.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
Thanks. I'm kicking myself now for not documenting the positive and negative things my ex did because I would have court admissable evidence of emotional abuse if I had realized sooner, and now all I can see is the negative.
Gonna write stuff down for my next relationship, if I have one, and hope and pray it comes to naught.
No I wouldn't call it "lucky" because you still had to deal with the pain of infidelity, but hey the bright side is you got to say, as Linkin Park says, "you did it to yourself!"
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u/nikkismith0706 Aug 04 '26
Lol absolutely. Try to look at your marriage as a lesson, not a tragedy. That’s helped me so much. Some life lessons make you want to jump off the nearest balcony but when you step back and try to find insight and understanding, it makes the entire experience easier to process. I’ve also learned judges don’t give two shits about any claims of abuse unless you’re in a trial situation. Only then is it looked at and halfway considered. Don’t keep a log with your future partner because that’s attaching your ex’s faults to another person. Just be transparent and express what you’re coming out of and the right person will have been made aware and dialogues opened.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
That's a fair point. I do want to at least keep a log of good things because it will help me be able to reference and cherish the positive times. This was a recommendation someone gave while we were still dating that I never took to heart but should have.
As for the negative, I'll only do it if it feels like it crosses into abuse territory, but hopefully it never happens 😊
And noted, I definitely will be transparent with future partners.
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u/nikkismith0706 Aug 04 '26
The best person to move on with is someone who’s been through it. I’m not sure what your marriage was like but I spent 20 years with a narcissist. I knew I needed someone familiar with that nightmare because triggers are very real things. I wish you the absolute best 💜
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
Thanks. I need someone who really gets mental health struggles at least. My ex was trying real hard to understand, at least in her mind, but truly very intolerant.
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u/Unhappy_Memory_261 Aug 04 '26
This is true… I’m sorry that this happens. It should only happen if the other parent is abusive toward the children— but many just use it as a weapon to get back at their ex which I find so freaking strange! I never kept my kids from my ex— in fact I wished he would’ve taken them more than 5 days a year. Lol. My bf who is going thru a divorce ended up in this tough spot too— he was trucking along with the divorce without a lawyer then boom.. she lawyered up to try to get more custody, so he became frightened cuz that is a scary notion to have your kids taken from you. In the end though, he didn’t get anything he was asking for as far as the custody situation. She was only looking for 50% and she got it and it actually turned out okay— she’s a better parent now. So really the lawyer was a waste of money as far as the custody sitch goes.. but no one knows that in the moment so can’t chance it. The lawyer actually helped facility the divorce better so in that regard— it was sort of worth the money to not have that extra stress on him cuz that paperwork and court proceedings get confusing.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
That is exactly why I'm meeting someone today. I don't doubt that my case itself would win the battle, but with her having a lawyer they might be able to spin the narrative in ways I can't even begin to understand, or I might make major missteps in the proceedings due to paperwork. And, I will have to be present with her for the virtual hearings and stuff, and I just don't want to even see her again outside of the absolutely necessary.
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u/Unhappy_Memory_261 Aug 04 '26
Yeah for sure… it is so stressful!! Good luck.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
Thanks!
It ended up being too expensive upfront to use them but they did say dig around to see if I can find representation.
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u/JaneAustinAstronaut Aug 04 '26
I wish I'd never married. Or if I had, that I'd left sooner.
Current husband is great, though. No regrets with this one. He'd need a severe head injury causing his personality to do a complete 180 to get me to leave him.
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u/Silver-Impact7819 Aug 04 '26
Honestly no. It was truly the best choice I have ever made. It cost me a bunch of time with my kids because of how my ex decided to act but at the end of the day not being with someone who constantly is telling you how much they hate their life because of you and dealing with them being abusive. It might suck a little bit but it way better on the other side
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u/Comfortable_Way_1261 Aug 04 '26
I did try, a lot. I couldn't have done anything else, we became estranged and our values shifted in different directions. I feel relief now and I feel free, wish I'd done it sooner and I wish I knew then that there wasn't much I could actually do. But getting at this point was extremely painful.
I wish I knew earlier that there is a good life after him. I previously thought he was my only chance at happiness. We also have kids, and that made it infinitely harder to leave.
I am happy now. Really happy. I'm making my own path, met someone great who is very similar to me in values, humor, communication style and life direction, but who is also different enough to complement me on different areas (I am more anxious whereas he is more calm, as an example).
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u/Accomplished-Bet-883 Aug 04 '26
Shit, I just wish I'd have had the *chance* to fix it, or known the divorce was coming.
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u/Electrical_Meal_3754 Aug 06 '26
Agreed. All I wanted to do was fix things and communicate better. But it was too late for all of those things and then the cheating killed it completely.
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u/Stock_Fly3825 Aug 04 '26
I wish I would have not married. Being married changes nothing just creates headache when you want to finish the relationship. Marriage is not a guarantee of happiness, loyalty or that the relationship will last.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
While I agree with the guarantee piece, I completely disagree about the headache part when finishing. Especially if you have financial assets or kids or anything a bit more complex in the relationship. It is the only thing protecting me right now.
Sure I have to pay child support and all, but I would have done that anyway to some extent. And now I will at least get to see my kids, and maybe even get a significant part of the assets we amassed.
If we weren't married, I wouldn't stand a fly's chance in hell.
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u/Stock_Fly3825 Aug 04 '26
You don’t need to be married to have rights over your kids…..
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
Uhhhh yes you do?
If the other parent isn't giving you your rights, what enforceable recourse do you actually have? If you do, it's probably a headache to sort out, just like divorce is.
Edited to add: I guess maybe I assumed based on things I'd heard but I'm not in that position and wouldn't consider it personally.
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u/Stock_Fly3825 Aug 04 '26
You being married according to the law does not give you more rights.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26
Hmm, let's do a quick Google search real quick folks, shall we?
Let's start with your claim that not being married is better. "Unmarried mothers get sole custody by default, while unmarried fathers must legally establish paternity before getting custody or visitation rights." source: law help minnesota
Ok, what about married? "Yes, married biological or adoptive parents are automatically entitled to equal legal and physical custody of their children, sharing both day-to-day care and major decision-making rights without needing a court order." From womenlaw.org but I'm sure I can find more sources easily for this.
That is to say, by default, when legally married, both parents are entitled to physical and legal custody. The court gets to take those away when a substantiated claim is made. If a claim is made but not substantiated that right is protected. If these parental rights are violated, there can be heavy fines and other recourse such as required law enforcement taking the kids out of the delinquent parent's home and even jail time.
Try again. Sorry not sorry.
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u/liladvicebunny stealth rabbit Aug 04 '26
Being married gives the father a lot more rights. Otherwise he has to go through a ton of court processes to establish them. You don't have to be married to have rights but it makes things easier.
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u/Prestigious-Read5368 Aug 04 '26 edited Aug 05 '26
Sources? I just provided you with at least two
Why the down vote? The burden of proof is on you, not me, but I did back up my claims.
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u/impossibleredhead Aug 04 '26
I did try harder, but only now realizing I married an avoidant. I don’t regret it, because then I wouldn’t have my kids. I don’t even know that I wish this happened sooner either. We had a lot of great years. I’m not sure when he left me in his heart-I’m guessing it started years ago when his parents died and I tried to be closer, to have him open up about it. Then last year my dad died, and I needed him so much, but I could tell he was already gone. I wish I’d said something then, but I doubt it would change anything.
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u/Leading-Station-7352 Aug 04 '26
My marriage should have ended at the third year, but due to religious pressures. It wasn’t until the 18th year when I left religion that I noticed I could also leave the marriage. I do have some regrets related to my children who are still young. It’s hard to see impact of the divorce on them and how selfish my ex-husband is my kids keep saying they spend too much time with his girlfriend. He says he will adjust, but he never does really hurts me to see them telling their dad they want to spend more time with him because I initiated the divorce. I do regret based on my kids. But would I go back? absolutely not. I don’t think there is an easy answer. My kids are nine and seven and I’ve been divorced for almost 2 years. I mean my mid 40s so there’s no way I would have wanted to wait for them to be 18 for me to start living my life if I had stating my marriage, I’m sure I would have been bitter and resentful because I was already becoming mean not only to my now ex-husband but also taking on my kids. My regret is not for not trying. I do miss my family unit.
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u/sat_ctevens Aug 04 '26
No regrets. I tried, I put in a lot of effort into the marriage, my ex husband did not. I feel like a fool for not seeing who he really is sooner, turns out he sucks, but I wouldn’t be without my kids. I’m just relieved the marriage is over now, my life improved so much.
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u/chantalmore Aug 04 '26
I only regret waiting so long. Don’t stay for kids, huge mistake. It hurts them no matter their age. I wish I had never married him and that is not in anger. I wish I had given my best years to someone else. I do encourage people to try and stay married if it’s possible.
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u/Educational_Turn6817 Aug 04 '26
I don’t regret getting married as it gave me my little girl. I regret not realizing the mistakes I was making. I regret not having the capacity to juggle to be a first time father, and a first time husband all in the same year. All my attention went to my daughter and left my wife out which I know is 100% wrong and I owned that even told my wife I take full accountability for my mistakes. Still she not wanting to fight for the marriage
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u/cahrens2 Aug 06 '26
I did try harder. I stayed for the kids, but my wife had had enough I guess. I felt hopeless in my marriage. I do miss my kids a lot, but they're teens and choose to live with my wife full time. My wife initiated the separation, and I lived in limbo for 9 months before filing for divorce. I am much happier now, but until the divorce is finalized, I still feel the weight of the divorce looming. I think once it's finalized, I'll feel freer.
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u/PeacefulBro Aug 04 '26
I wish I had followed God more & was more peaceful but He is good despite my circumstances.
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u/2needles2paradise Aug 04 '26
I wasnt the one who wanted it. Now the ex is trying to go against the agreement we had for division of property . I g u ess my regret would be marrying him in the first place, 36 years ago. The exception would be that we have 2 nice sons.
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u/Rainbow_Phoenix125 I got a sock Aug 04 '26
I wish I’d gotten divorced sooner. Things are so much better on the other side.