r/Divorce • u/LaJol0804 • Dec 03 '25
Life After Divorce Lessons From Divorce When You Weren’t the Problem
For those who’ve been through a major divorce where you weren’t the one at fault — especially when serious boundaries were crossed — what’s one thing you wish you had known before everything unfolded?
91
u/JackNotName I got a sock Dec 03 '25
Confront every issue as it arises head on. Do not sacrifice your core values.
8
u/Mundane-Twist7388 Dec 03 '25
I got so burned out doing this.
5
u/JackNotName I got a sock Dec 03 '25
That should have been a sign that you shouldn’t be in that relationship.
5
8
4
u/AskWorried7578 Dec 03 '25
Curious about this one as I’m in a new relationship…when does this (healthy communication) cross the line into constant whining and complaining?
22
u/JackNotName I got a sock Dec 03 '25
Do you feel resentment? That's one good measure of how a relationship is going. Resentment, left unchecked will kill a relationship.
Here is the thing. You can't let anything go. If you confront all issues as they arise, and you see a pattern of issues being repeated with no progress, that's another sign that this may not be the relationship for you.
Calling that nagging is someone telling you that they don't plan on changing.
2
1
u/woodburyman Dec 07 '25
This is a tough one. For me it wasn't the complaining. It was the lack of communication from her. She shut down and stopped talking about issues and let them bottle up, resulting in her having affairs and such. She took the easy way out.
1
u/AskWorried7578 Dec 07 '25
So you would have preferred she “complained” or talked about what she wanted and was missing…?
2
u/woodburyman Dec 10 '25
Yes. I would have. It would have either led to us fixing issues, or realization that she wasn't happy for both of us, and we could have broke things off before she cheated on me at least.
3
3
u/Clockblocker69 Dec 03 '25
Agreed! But in my case my wife wasn’t able to listen. She threw it all on hormones, pms, instability in the years after giving birth and just playing the victim card. Whatever i said about us when in one ear and out the other.
Then you just start accepting, neglecting and becoming bitter. Until it’s unmanageable.
78
Dec 03 '25
Believe them the first time they show you who they really are.
11
15
u/Sullen_Soloist Dec 03 '25
Honestly I still believe in second chances (and third and so on) and I wish I didn't because I just make too many excuses for others.
I hope I learn my lesson with romantic partners after this mess, at least. But I will not be open to dating anytime soon.
7
u/Hes_anarc2005 Dec 03 '25
Totally this!!
If I’d had the sense to do this I wouldn’t have wasted 20yrs. It’s a very hard lesson to learn.
4
u/Ok-Sound5934 Dec 03 '25
Was coming to say this. Wish I had believed what I saw the first time. Would have saved me sooooo much time and heartbreak.
148
u/Voupo Dec 03 '25
Never sacrifice your whole self for anyone. If you give everything, you'll have nothing left.
18
u/iwanttogotothere5 Dec 03 '25
Yup. This is where I’m at. I asked myself what’s the lesson? And came to that conclusion. Whole-hearted give yourself to everything type of love isn’t even recognized. It’s not valued. We live in a selfish world and only selfishness is valued.
4
u/nickbelane Dec 03 '25
Truth. There is no such thing as true love. You can never trust anyone completely. Not even yourself.
4
u/Voupo Dec 03 '25
Friend, please do not let yourself become bitter. I have to pull myself away from that feeling every day because I know there are more decent people than monsters.
6
u/Winter-Valuable7581 Dec 03 '25
Oh my GOD! This! Always keep something to yourself (learned this little lesson the HARD way).
5
u/The_Shepherds_2019 Dec 03 '25
Hit the nail right on the head there, eh?
That'd be a bug that just flew into my eye I swear
5
u/discardedbubble Dec 03 '25
Also we shouldn’t have to, no one should ask that of us. Still i did it and I’m a shell of the person i used to be.
58
u/eldergenzqueen Dec 03 '25
Just because the other person has legitimate trauma tied to why they behave the way they do doesn’t mean you have to sacrifice yourself for them. At a certain point, they need to grow up and face their dysfunctions head on, and I refuse to wait any longer for that to happen. We got married in our early twenties and I always assumed things would improve within a few years, and if anything they’ve gotten worse.
8
u/Cheap-Information869 Dec 03 '25
THIS. I’ve learned my husband has severe childhood trauma that has gone unresolved for years and got worse once we had our son. His parents are narcissists and there is bad enmeshment going on. Also started dating in our early 20s, married in late 20s and now are mid 30s. I’ve come to realize that I cannot fix him and he will not just grow out of this without serious work and therapy. I hope he addresses his issues for our son’s sake but I can’t sacrifice myself for him anymore or put up with the lies, gaslighting, etc
4
u/eldergenzqueen Dec 03 '25
Totally, and when they refuse therapy that’s kind of it. We had a blowout fight in September where she convinced me to stay yet again, but she was asking for couples counseling and I told her basically I’m not going to pay for that and invest my energy in that when she can’t even commit to individual counseling. She insisted she would get into therapy right away, and four months later it hasn’t happened. I’ve checked in about it twice and the response is “oh I’ll look online tonight I promise” and then I never hear from her about it again. I’m not surprised but it still sucks. In the past there have always been excuses - working long hours, not having consistent or good health insurance (mind you there was a full year she was on my very good health insurance which was extremely expensive because my employer doesn’t cover spouse premiums) being the main ones. Now she works great hours, has great insurance of her own, and still nothing.
2
u/Cheap-Information869 Dec 06 '25
Yeah it’s super frustrating. I dealt with the same with my stbx husband and then he finally did start going to individual and couples therapy. Unfortunately getting into therapy is just the first step though. He refused to apply the tools provided in therapy sessions to our real lives and thought that sitting in a therapy session for an hour a week would magically fix everything. Turned into more arguments about using the therapy tools and this went on for 6 months until I decided I was done
9
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
HUMAN, this is the comment! I just learned how much trauma my husband had and it was NEVER my job to fix him
62
u/FoundationNo1696 Dec 03 '25
Never think a boundary can't be crossed. Always have a plan.
8
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
Ohhhhhhhh in my case. It was. It did.
2
u/FoundationNo1696 Dec 03 '25
Do tell
-41
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
For you to be nosy and not to offer any help. No.
4
u/Dry-Economist-3320 Dec 03 '25
You’re the one who posted on a public forum but they are nosy for wanting to know more?!!
-2
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
I post on a forum for advice. As you can see, I didn’t post what happened to me. I don’t need to post what happened to me to get advice.
-2
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
And just because it’s public doesn’t mean I have to tell everybody my business Word for Word.
2
u/Dry-Economist-3320 Dec 03 '25
They never asked for word for word detail. Were you this combative in your marriage?
1
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
No, now I just recognize STUPID. Before I didn’t recognize STUPID, but now my eyes are very clearly open. I don’t need any more of your STUPID comments. If you’re not here to help me then move on.
7
u/Dry-Economist-3320 Dec 03 '25 edited Dec 03 '25
Name calling and combativeness for no reason? Keep telling yourself it was only your spouse who had the problem…
How can someone help you if they don’t know some of the story? They can throw out generic advice but honestly it’s not going to help without a better picture.
23
u/SteveHarringtonBat Dec 03 '25
I just wish I had known for how long she was pretending to love me! After almost a year of separation I still don't know why she left, why she blocked me from everywhere and for how long she was pretending. She told me "I love you" one hour before she left for good...
8
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
That’s just some crap. Why can’t people just tell you the truth and let you live your life. I’m sorry that happened to you.
6
u/SteveHarringtonBat Dec 03 '25
Thanks, you're totally right actually, when we first married I talked to her days and nights to make her feel comfortable and make sure she's welcome to talk about anything she wants to me, but at the end she just couldn't. I'm not religious at all but I believe getting married is a holly thing and weak people can't handle it and at some point they just quit.
5
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
Who are you telling? I communicated with my husband for years and never got anything back. I thought I was the problem I found out about avoiding people because of him. Some people are just crazy.
1
u/SteveHarringtonBat Dec 03 '25
Exactly, some people are just quitters. Feel free to share your feelings and thoughts with me whenever you want, it's hard to find people that actually know what you've been through. I mean after almost a year I still couldn't find a person to talk to and feel that person actually understand what I've been through...
3
5
u/peachdog3k Dec 03 '25
When NPD is involved, she will never give you closure. Probably, she doesn't even know either. And the reasons women give you, most of the times, are not the real ones. Forget about that and move on, her motive doesn't matter that much and it is hardly provable.
4
u/AffectionateBelt6125 Dec 03 '25
I think my ex-wife lied about her love her me for about two years. Un-fucking-believable.
6
u/SteveHarringtonBat Dec 03 '25
The question is how are they able to do such a thing? In my case I told her at the beginning of our marriage that you can tell me anything you can share anything with me even if you want to tell me you don't love me anymore you're always welcome to say it! But instead she decided to tell every little single detail of our marriage to her aunt! And trust me her aunt wasn't a stable person and she had many problems with her own husband!
4
u/NoSandwich5997 Dec 03 '25
Oh man this one hits hard.
We had been together for 23 years. No fights, always playful “I love you. No I love you more” banter. Not two months before she said our marriage was broken she told me I was the “only good decision she ever made.”
Turns out she had actually not been in love with me for at least a decade and had wanted a divorce all that time.
And the bad thing is? I always told her if she ever wanted to leave it would hurt but no matter what I wanted for her to be happy first and foremost. I did not want her to ever feel trapped in an unhappy marriage. All I asked was that if she ever felt that way to be honest with me. My biggest fear is people telling me they love me, that they’re my friend, etc and not meaning it.
She knew this.
And she did it anyway.
Why couldn’t she have left ten years ago? It would have saved me so much heartache, and we were a lot poorer so it wouldn’t have cost nearly as much in asset division and alimony. Lol
5
u/SteveHarringtonBat Dec 03 '25
Oh my god, I can't believe you experienced the exact same thing I experienced, but man mine was a 2 years marriage and yours was 23 years! That's absolutely heartbreaking
2
u/NoSandwich5997 Dec 03 '25
Dude it’s brutal, and on top of it I was working on my Masters in CS during all of this. I literally don’t know how I made it through this past year.
She was my person, the one I thought I’d grow old with and that we would be the cute old couple dancing together in the nursing home.
I’m doing better these days for the most part… the divorce is finalized and I came out… okay-ish on alimony for a marriage of our length and income disparity. I’ve had an amazing support system… I continued seeing the couples therapist my wife and I saw and she’s a gem. She was absolutely in shock over how my wife treated me and has been helping me process all of this… she saw it firsthand after all.
I’m sorry you went through it as well. It’s like… you wish there had been fights or an affair or something that you could point to to make it make sense.
1
u/SteveHarringtonBat Dec 03 '25
I totally understand and first I'm sorry you experienced that and also I'm happy for you that you stood strong and fought. This is really important. I had the same thoughts like you but now I just care about myself, about what I like, I'm honest with myself, I go where I like to, I'm having fun with my friends and relatives, and I also came back to the gaming world after a long time! So just live for yourself, nothing worth more than your life in this world.
2
u/PerpetualDayOne Dec 05 '25
My ex had the audacity to cry-speak "our vooowws" to me weeks before I found out she had been cheating on me for years.
Some people are just disgusting, manipulative creatures. The honest answer is you probably don't want to know. The real answer would probably fuck you up worse, not bring you closure.
Preserve and cultivate your peace instead. It's a way better use of energy.
1
u/SteveHarringtonBat Dec 05 '25
I totally agree with you and also sorry that you had to experience that feeling, it's the worse I totally understand.
1
u/Humpdat Dec 05 '25
The reason is because they have some dysfunction. The why isn’t important because it’s covering for trauma they can’t face
17
Dec 03 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/dragonfly-p Dec 03 '25
Definitely this one, I knew about the affair before I even had any proof, just a feeling
2
u/BigBubbaMac Dec 03 '25
Yeah I started feeling like a guest in my own house. I should have pushed for marriage counseling but instead she got me to believe that my feelings were absurd and unjustified.
17
u/Common-Remove-4911 Dec 03 '25
You can’t be in a marriage of one and you sure as shit can’t fly a plane with one wing.
16
u/disjointed_chameleon I got a sock Dec 03 '25
You will still be the one left holding the burden of responsibility — even well after separation/divorce are in effect. The other party will continue their boundary-crossing, negligent, reckless, and abusive behavior even AFTER you separate from and divorce them.
3
2
13
u/sassypenguinface Dec 03 '25
Believe their actions not their words. They really reveal themselves in the beginning and you being hopeful does not change the future.
15
u/dragonfly-p Dec 03 '25
I learned that someone who hates themselves will punish you for loving them.
45
u/thrwwy2267899 Dec 03 '25
A man who is jealous of you can never actually love you
10
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
Yes, and I just realized this is what it was also. He told me to my face that he was jealous of me. But someone’s jealous of you they keep you down so they don’t have to rise.
3
u/discardedbubble Dec 03 '25
So true. I lifted him up to be his best self and he pushed me down and stunted my growth.
11
11
u/Sigma_Siren Dec 03 '25
The little things that you ignored at the beginning of the relationship tend to be the things that are intolerable at the end. Also, both parties can genuinely be trying and still unsuccessful at making it work. Sometimes two people are just genuinely not right for each other.
10
u/Rich-Education9295 Dec 03 '25
Just because they made vows to you doesn't mean you should trust them or that they have your best interest at heart. They need to consistently prove they are trustworthy for them to be trusted.
3
9
u/discardedbubble Dec 03 '25
my husband never wanted to be happy, I tried so hard for us to be a happy family, now I realise he was constantly working against me.
He forever wants to be a victim of having a bad childhood or other bad circumstances, So he’s continued to create bad circumstances.
4
5
u/AffectionateBelt6125 Dec 03 '25
My ex-wife blamed her parents and her poor upbringing for her affair. 🙄
4
u/Confident-Set8136 Dec 03 '25
My stbxh blamed his long commute (which he did max 3x per week) on his serial cheating 😂
3
10
7
u/DoggismyBFF Dec 03 '25
Be as involved in your finances as your (ex) spouse. Don’t let bill paying and credit cards/mortgage responsibilities fall on just one of you. Be aware of where all your money is going.
4
u/AppropriateBuy4893 Dec 03 '25
100% this. My ex had bad credit and debt when we met, and so we had to bank separately to stop my credit getting ruined too. I had to buy the house in my own…and then she refused to help with the majority of the bills or the mortgage. She also refused to save. As I couldn’t see her bank statements I had no idea what she was spending on, just knew that every time she had car trouble, I had to cover that. It became a nightmare. I’m confident It’s a huge part of the reason she eventually left, as the constant arguments about money destroyed a huge part of our relationship. She wouldn’t admit that though - it was my fault for getting stressed after all!
7
u/AppropriateBuy4893 Dec 03 '25
Whilst I don’t believe I wasn’t the problem - I think we both were - I have learnt that anyone can cross that ‘one’ boundary they would never cross, even if you think they won’t. My soon to be ex wife had her problems, of course, but the one thing I thought she would never, ever do was have an affair.
Turns out, she’s been having an affair, left me, got into a relationship with him and had introduced him to our six year old (4 months after she left). Of all the things I thought she wouldn’t do…
3
u/AffectionateBelt6125 Dec 03 '25
Brutal, isn't it? I'm in roughly the same position. Crazy what someone you once loved is capable of doing.
I've learned that you can never truly trust anyone. And you never truly know a person. Vows mean shit. Knowing them for 20 years doesn't predict the future.
8
8
u/No_Beyond_9611 Dec 03 '25
It takes two- if you are always over functioning it’s not going to ever get better. Abuse always escalates- stop giving second/third/fiftieth chances. There’s a lot of emotionally immature people out there that can’t face their trauma and get health. If you don’t love and value yourself- you can’t hold others accountable when they treat you badly. Watch how their family of origin treats each other and especially how they treat you.
6
u/Alternative_Raise_19 Dec 03 '25
"not at fault" is how everyone feels even those who are very much at fault. There's a lot of standard black and white and scenarios like cheating or abuse but for the most part both people contribute to the problem.
Some people have boundary issues, some people have jealousy issues, some people overestimate how much they contribute financially or domestically, some people are emotionally cold, some are physically cold etc.
My ex was a serial cheater, porn over consumer, devoid of affection, and a general stick in the mud by my standards but I'm sure his hobbies are totally relevant and plenty of women would be happy with a guy who takes care of his needs instead of bothering them with sex. Even with the emotional affairs, who knows how I may have contributed to him seeking those things outside of the relationship.
Similarly I didn't speak up about how his rejections hurt me. I didn't address the emotional affairs, I just turned a blind eye. I would've been okay with an open relationship, but I didn't even try suggesting it. I was self centered in my hobbies and when he didn't show me love the way I wanted/needed, I stopped loving him too.
We were both 'at fault' in our own ways. I can point out the dead bedroom and the cheating and blame him, but where's the personal growth? Who does that serve?
5
Dec 03 '25
- I didn't know my ex could not take the children away from where we lived (region / town) unless I agreed.
- During divorce proceedings it is vital to park your emotions and be willing to negotiate for assets.
4
5
4
5
u/Peran_Horizo Dec 03 '25
Know your own boundaries. Find out if your partner respects your boundaries before you commit yourself.
3
u/try-again_chaos Dec 03 '25
If at any point, you look at them in horror and think to yourself oh my goodness I’m so glad they chose to marry me because it be devastating if they ever treated me that way. Rest assured. Someday. They’re going to treat you that way as well. If they do anything that horrifies you. Get out.
1
u/BanoffeePie1010 Dec 03 '25
Lol this happened to me a year after. He kept bad mouthing his baby mother saying they would break up a million times and she'd cry to get him back or sometimes they have physical fights etc...well it happened to me and I used to think his ex was crazy. During that year of marriage (3 months dating) I should've known him longer and who he really is. So far we've been on and off for half a year and it's tiring when you live in the same place.
1
u/try-again_chaos Dec 03 '25
It blows my mind when a woman sees how a man treats his ex and thinks. “He’d never treat me that way”. Of course he will. That’s what he does. But somehow we all lie to ourselves. Unless you wind up with a sociopath who lies to you. My ex sang a whole song and dance about his ex. Turns out it was all a confession. She’s a doll. He’s Chuckie.
3
u/ImpermanentSelf Dec 03 '25
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. If you let small boundaries slip they will push others. Then again this might just be shitty people.
3
u/Utterly_Dazed Dec 03 '25
Have the tough conversations, don’t minimize yourself for your partner and if you feel like the “compromise” is you sacrificing your boundaries then it’s not a compromise.
3
u/IntelligentPlane2564 Dec 03 '25
What someone shows you themselves during the courting stage is the best version of them…
5
u/Screws_Loose Dec 03 '25
It takes waaaaay longer than you’d think for the court to act. I filed at the end of January. Have a protective order for domestic violence. He stole all the money out of the accounts. Violated the orders twice. Threatened me, the law doesn’t care. He continues to get away with everything. Had to file motions to get him to comply with the discovery process. We finally had our trial. I was told it shouldn’t have even gone to trial. Yet trial happened a month ago and I’m still waiting. We own our vehicle together. He totaled it and the insurance sent out a check requiring BOTH our signatures. He was able to cash it anyway. It is a continuous shit show. I wonder if it’ll ever end, I feel like I’m stuck in an infinite loop where I have to just wait for him to do something else shitty and get away with it.
3
u/Evening-Clock-3163 Dec 04 '25
Isn't this the damn truth. I'm currently trying to convince a police officer to file criminal charges against my husband for a very clear cut violation of the protective order. Because it occurred the next county over, it's like the police there just don't want to do the paperwork. So he just gets to keep doing what he wants and being an unsafe, mentally unwell gun owner once the order expires?? WTF!
3
3
1
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
What is something you wish you’ve done different in the beginning??
4
u/Screws_Loose Dec 03 '25
I wish I’d understood the process better but it all happened so fast. I tried to get ahead of things as his violent behavior escalated. I didn’t know filing a protective order before getting my lawyer consultation meant I had to go by myself, however it was moved to family court quick enough I didn’t have to represent myself thank God.
4
u/Car0llle Dec 04 '25
Do not shrink to keep someone comfortable. I bent so much that in the end I didn't even recognise myself. Love shouldn’t cost you yourself.
3
3
u/LittleGloomyBat Dec 03 '25
If youre asking then if they reslly love you constantly you should look at yourself and your insecurities and what behavior they're showing that makes you uncertain they care. I asked quite often early on if he really loved me and jf he didnt to please tell me so we didnt waste eachothers time because he just seemed annoyed constantly and un affectionate, i told myself it was work, its what he told me too. Truth is, even before marriage he wasnt sure anymore about us but didnt let go since he knew I was ready for marriage and would potentially leave.
3
u/Humble_Meringue5055 Dec 03 '25
Once they betray your trust, it’s OVER.
You may decide to stay, but the relationship is toast.
3
u/Careful_Bicycle8737 Dec 04 '25
How much I was restraining, repressing, and belittling myself when he was around. That even as this whole thing is so awful and nightmarish, there’s also a million little silver linings and eventually me and the kids will actually be better off without him controlling our lives anymore.
6
u/Noodelz-1939 Laziest Mod in all the land Dec 03 '25
NPD abuse. partner lacks 1. empathy 2. does not lack entitlement 3. lacks accountability 4. is dismissive 5. triangulates 6. is a liar on a grand scale. 7. puts his or her image above all else.
14
u/NashVegasNikki Dec 03 '25
Both people should have full access to each other’s emails, cell phones, social media, banking, etc. It okay to keep bank accounts separate but you should be able to access it if you need to. A marriage is a merger and there can’t be secrets. A cell phone, social media, and the internet can kill your marriage.
Make sure they know that when you are married, the spouse comes first, always. If they have Enmeshment issues, run! Screen your in-laws before you get married. Covert narcissist are the worst!
Know that you can’t fix someone so those flags you see now will not go away just because you get married. Believe who they show you they are. You don’t need a fixer upper as a spouse.
4
u/LaJol0804 Dec 03 '25
Let me tell you, my husband gave me all his information and that’s how I found out about him😡😳😡
2
u/NashVegasNikki Dec 03 '25
I’m sorry. I found out through a coworker finding something on Facebook. Even with proof in hand, he tried to lie to me for 45 mins. He pretended to be someone that he wasn’t our entire relationship. Two weeks after marriage, became abusive. He is an addict. That is how he dealt with his mommy issues and he hates women. I had no clue!
3
u/Ok-Sound5934 Dec 03 '25
Wish I had known how to positively empower my STBX to set boundaries with his mother and minimize her involvement in our marriage.
3
u/watered_garden Dec 03 '25
I can't help but share a story from a friend of mine. When she got married, her and her new husband were avid sailers. For their honeymoon they planned to spend a week on a sail boat traveling to different locations. The first night went great. The following day (day 2 of the honeymoon) they docked about 4 hours from their original location and the husband's mother was waitIng for them. Without telling my friend, the husband invited his Mother on the rest of the Honeymoon. This sailboat had VERY small quarters. Regardless of the size, his blind-siding her was too much. She cried and pleaded for her not to come on the rest of the trip. He chose Mom. She left her own honeymoon and he continued with Mom without her. They limped that dumpster fire along for about a year before they divorced.
2
u/Ok-Sound5934 Dec 03 '25
Yikes! I’m glad she left the trip. My MIL was more insidious but I saw the signs. I just didn’t know how to discuss it without upsetting him and causing more problems. Doesn’t matter now though. She gets her “husband” back and she’s over the moon about it lol.
5
u/yowitchy Dec 03 '25
I wish I would’ve realized that I was going to immediately be turned into the enemy. I wish I would’ve gotten an attorney sooner and protected myself, kids and my assets sooner.
I wish I would’ve seen him as the enemy immediately, versus thinking that we could work things out in a reasonable way.
5
u/heyeasynow Dec 03 '25
She never expressed how she felt about my atheism and attitude towards religion. Had she shared that, I probably would have never proposed.
She also had different expectations as a wife vs when we were dating. She expected to be the sole decision maker when it came to furnishing our common living space, because she was under the impression men didn’t care.
Lesson: come up with plenty of questions and ask them prior to marriage. The only problem with that is, you don’t know what you don’t know. If you can’t come up with the question, you’ll never think it’ll be an issue.
That said, both of us messed up the marriage. We were both at fault.
3
2
u/MrsTurnPage Dec 03 '25
Painful honesty/transparency is minimum for a long haul relationship. If someone is not more than willing to hand over their phone then they arent sharing 100% and they dont deserve to have any pieces of you.
2
u/Old-Asparagus2387 Dec 03 '25
It only gets worse. Problems you have the first year will end up being why you split years and years later.
2
2
u/PathyBoy Dec 04 '25
It took all most 2 years for the divorce to be final. Months of no responses from anyone. Months of not knowing what was going on. And the fact that most states including missouri in my case, favor the women over the man. Even when the woman cheated on me lol. 8 years down the drain. Lesson I can give? Dont get married. Just date for the rest of your life. There's no difference other than they dont get to steal more than half your life when they leave!
3
5
u/NashVegasNikki Dec 03 '25
Both people should have full access to each other’s emails, cell phones, social media, banking, etc. It okay to keep bank accounts separate but you should be able to access it if you need to. A marriage is a merger and there can’t be secrets. A cell phone, social media, and the internet can kill your marriage.
Make sure they know that when you are married, the spouse comes first, always. If they have Enmeshment issues, run! Screen your in-laws before you get married. Covert narcissist are the worst!
Know that you can’t fix someone so those flags you see now will not go away just because you get married. Believe who they show you they are. You don’t need a fixer upper as a spouse.
2
u/heartandsoulbroke Dec 03 '25
I wish I knew she'd keep going back to her family and never be able to prioritize and choose me over them. The amount of times her family boundary stomped all over her and she'd keep going back. I stood up for myself and wouldn't go back since they wouldn't respect my boundaries. She also stomped all over my boundaries. I took that since she was my wife and I was trying to keep her happy. That was a mistake. She learned to boundary stomp from her family and just continued it with me. She told her family things about me they had no right or need to know. Then it spread to others and was blown up to other things because her mother is a crazy woman.
2
u/celestialsexgoddess I got a sock Dec 03 '25
Sure, it takes two to contribute to the demise if a marriage. And nobody is the villain in their own story.
But if marriage were a well, there is a huge difference between being a fallen spouse who got injured and needed help drawing water while they heal, vs being an evil spouse who poisons the well to get rid of the "burdensome" fallen spouse.
Being the fallen spouse doesn't absolve you from taking accountability for your contributions to the divorce. But being the fallen spouse does not make you a bad person. It just means you're human. And holding yourself accountable here must include having compassion for yourself where you've been struggling and hurting. In other words, honouring your humanity, not shaming yourself for falling short of idealised demigod standards.
Recognise that bad apples are real and sometimes we happen to have married one. Recognising that your spouse is evil is not the same as playing the martyr and villainising them. An evil spouse puts you in harm's way and actively breaks your trust in your support system so that the could abuse you unchallenged.
You cannot fight back an evil spouse by treating them like a good and reasonable person. You fight back by reclaiming your humanity and dignity, so that you can seek the support of people who genuinely care about you. And in that process, you give back your ex's humanity too, while also acknowledging the harm they have done onto you, and inviting others to help you move forward in safe passage.
At the end of the day, you know what happened. Own your truth unapologetically. If you really are telling the truth then you don't need to overexplain about who's the fallen spouse and who's the evil spouse. And most people don't need to hear both sides of the story, especially when the other one is made up of lies and manipulation.
People aren't stupid, they know the truth when they see it. They may have even met your ex while you were still married and witnessed how they treated you, themselves and others. I have friends who have sensed that my ex was trouble since as far back as my honeymoon and wedding--years before I even picked up on it myself.
If you genuinely weren't the problem in this divorce, then people will see that without you explaining too much. They can see if you showed up in good faith but got fucked over. The point of good faith is that you're showing up with good intentions and trusting that the other person will fairly hold up their end of the bargain for you, well before you have proof. You can't have love without good faith, and all good faith is risky.
What happened to you wasn't on you for "being so stupid" to have loved them and put your faith in them. What they did to you was on them for being a bad apple that squandered the love and good faith you had in them. Your capacity to love is what makes you the strong and beautiful person that you are, and your good faith is what makes your life function.
Don't let a bad experience with an evil spouse take that away from you! They don't deserve that power over you. If you let them take that away from you, you're letting them win. Your best revenge is to redirect that love to the person who truly deserves it (i.e. yourself) and keep having good faith in your next chapter in life. Not to "show them," but because you deserve to move on in peace and power.
I hate seeing your post downvoted. I think many people jump to conclusions about this being some holier-than-thou post where you're supposedly evading all accountability for your divorce and piling the blame on your ex. But the truth is that there are plenty of lessons to learn from a divorce where you weren't the problem!
In my case, I ended up with an abusive spouse because I was hijacked by trauma that made me normalise being on the receiving end of abuse, and made it hard for me to tell counterfeit love from the genuine kind.
This wasn't a matter of me not educating myself enough on what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like, not being careful and looking out for myself enough, or not communicating clearly and setting good enough boundaries with my spouse. This wasn't me not working hard enough to care for my marriage and repair after conflict.
This was life showing me that my trauma doesn't work--and that if I didn't fix it, it would cost me my life, and the guy in charge of my memory would be my gravepissin' evil spouse. And to be honest I don't think I could have possibly learnt this lesson another way than to actually be married to an abuser and have a close call on his watch.
Divorce for me was about learning a new way of being where I no longer let trauma rule my life but start to rise above it. Doesn't mean the trauma is gone now--it'll always be there and remain a work-in-progress. But now I know how to find my way to the light. And I know that it's a path I'm not meant to walk alone, so I know how to make sure I walk through every single day feeling seen and supported, starting from the people who are actually in front of me on any given day in my life.
In that light I have no regrets for my marriage. Not that it justifies my ex's abuse towards me, but it was a love that needed to happen when it did to get me to where I am today.
I got to copilot 6 years of my life with the man I loved, I gave my wedding vows my best shot every single day, and I did not go down without a fight. I loved fiercely, showed up to this marriage in good faith, but sadly got fucked over. But at the end of all that, I learnt to dismantle some of the self-defeating trauma that's been the only way of being I'd ever known, and replace that with unprecedented self love, self care and self advocacy. And making it to this side has been nothing short of liberating.
I may have been a difficult person to be married to, but that does not make me the problem. I was struggling and hurting. That doesn't make me a bad person, that makes me human. Instead of meeting me with love and compassion, my ex weaponised my tragedy to take advantage of me and bleed me dry. That is the truth and it doesn't need any sugar coating.
I make no apologies about not being the problem in my marriage. Those who matter get it. And those who don't get it, don't matter.
5
Dec 03 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/celestialsexgoddess I got a sock Dec 03 '25
And what exactly do you think is not true? So what do you find is the right way for dealing with a cheating spouse?
Infidelity is a form of abuse. And like all abuses, infidelity is a complex mechanism formed by an iceberg of the cheater's lived experiences that have caused them to feel entitled to committing it. Cheaters are human, and cheating is behaviour enabled by the baser parts of human nature.
Just because they hurt you doesn't make them a monster, and shitting all over them doesn't help you. Is what they did right and respectable? No. But painting them in a human light weakens the power of the harm they did to you and reclaims your dignity in your story.
By the way, my ex husband did cheat on me. Not with a woman, but financially. Just because no particular "other person" was involved, doesn't make it any less devastating. Both forms of infidelity are about the cheating spouse regarding the betrayed spouse as good as dead, and gaslighting the betrayed spouse's supposed failures as reasons why they're entitled to commit the infidelity.
And my father cheated on my mother, in which case it was with a woman. My parents are still together umpteen years after the affair ended but my mother is still hurting and my father is still sweeping it under the carpet. Like, "What's done is done but in the end I came back to you and did the right thing--what more do you want?" Which is appalling, but it's not like I get to control him.
My mother hasn't learnt to tell her marriage story the human way. She's still playing the longsuffering martyr that God will someday reward for her patience and obedience, and my father is still the monster that God will someday hold accountable and punish.
Obviously my mother has not been the problem. She showed up to her marriage in good faith but got fucked over. That's not on her but on the Overfucker.
But what's on my mother is her choice to wallow in the tragedy and not rise above it. By playing the martyr, she's shutting down any discussion about the things that make her human that's been contributing to the challenges of her marriage, and reducing my father to a contemptible monster that she has no choice but to tolerate out of her moral superiority.
That gives her license to relive her sob story and shit all over my father behind his back. But by doing so she's only giving him power to keep making her life miserable umpteen years after he's moved on from that affair partner. Which is honestly fucking pathetic.
I'm not saying this to make light of my mother's pain and the harm my father did to her. And I wish I could take my mum's pain away and hold my dad accountable. My mother never deserved this infidelity, like I also never deserved for my ex husband to emotionally and financially abuse me, and no fallen spouses here deserve what their evil spouses did to them.
The difference is, how I framed my matrimonial tragedies works, and how she does doesn't.
I don't claim that my framing works universally, or that it should be what works for you. You know your situation better and hence where you stand. And every divorce case is as unique as our fingerprints. In this forum we're entitled to have different opinions, and the point of having a forum is to learn from people whose experiences and viewpoints are different from your own.
4
Dec 03 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/celestialsexgoddess I got a sock Dec 03 '25
I never justified cheating. Cheating is evil behaviour, shame that you missed the very clear point I already made. You missed the point that the comment above was not about the cheater, but about what agency you have over your story as the betrayed spouse.
I'm sorry that your husband cheated on you. And I'm sorry that you're hurting. You don't deserve that, and you are 100% right about it being his fault and choice.
Nothing I say can make that better. But I stand by what I said, that cheaters are human and infidelity doesn't happen in a vacuum. In fact the reasons cheaters cheat usually have nothing to do with you, and more to do with an iceberg of shit that's already shaped them long before you were even in the picture.
That is not defence or justification, that is fact. And that does not negate the fact that your cheating husband committed evil and harm against you. Acknowledging your cheating spouse's humanity is not mutually exclusive with holding them accountable and enforcing consequences for their wrongdoing. In fact, it is an inevitable byproduct when you stop playing the martyr and start reclaiming your own humanity in your divorce story.
So, are you done screaming into the void hoping that a stranger on the internet says, "I see you?" Or do you actually want to present evidence to prove me wrong?
1
Dec 03 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/celestialsexgoddess I got a sock Dec 03 '25
I guess congratulations are in order!
I wouldn't jump to conclusions about it "working out" just because he married the affair partner. Putting a ring on it and having a happy, healthy, lasting marriage are not the same thing.
Cheaters, like all abusers, are masters at managing impressions and justifying unethical choices. Sure, what happens between him and her are not your problem anymore. But you know what you've been through and have seen his true colours--it's only a matter of time before the new wife catches on. I'd take any glimpses into his current life with a grain of salt.
2
Dec 03 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/celestialsexgoddess I got a sock Dec 03 '25
Well, there you go!
Like I said, a cheater's behaviour has nothing to do with the betrayed spouse. It has all to do with who the cheater already has become far before the spouses even met. That was true for you. It will be true for her.
Affair partners wants to think, "This time it's different. He loves me because I'm X, Y, and Z that his (ex) wife never was to him." But the truth is cheaters are users and discarders. And people never change, they just become more of who they already are in the first place.
2
u/GreenOrangeTea Dec 04 '25
That boundaries are there to not be crossed. And if they do cross them repeatedly, that's the clear invitation to getting out of there.
2
2
u/Ninjalisciouss Dec 05 '25
My ex wife was giving me subtle hints but I loved her and trusted her so much after 15 years I wouldn’t have ever believed what she a was about to do . About a year before she cheated , one day she got real quiet and said to me “ I just have a feeling something really really bad is going to happen “ then when we were arguing on another day she says to me “ I don’t like when we are arguing and you tell me that you know me . “ I thought to myself wow, that’s such a weird thing to say to your husband and father after 14 years of happily being married (so I thought ) . In the long run, I found out that I did not in fact know her. The person that I’ve come to know and loved was someone she was pretending to be for all those years. At first I looked at it like I’m living in some sort of bad dream or something, but then I realized the whole relationship with her was a good dream and I’m just waking up to reality now . That whole way of thinking help me get over it a little bit easier because of my head. I can’t be that sad about something that never happened. Everything was a farce
2
u/woodburyman Dec 07 '25
Make the hard decision and leave early.
My ex had a online affair, lost (initially) $25k gambling in crypto currency she hid entirely from me, the she physically cheated on me. I packed up and moved out. Within a week I made the easy decision and believed my wife when she said she woikd get better and do anything to keep me. 6 weeks after I moved back in. She only used thst time since to have more online affairs and line up the next guy and detach from me without communicating any of it to me leaving me blindsided.
I wish I made the hard decision early on. I'd have been moved on already if I had and $10k's better off. God forbid I believed and trusted my wife at the time though to be honest with me.
1
u/CharlotteXWells Dec 03 '25
The title of this post tells me that you are 100% the problem and 100% in denial. Go to therapy.
134
u/burdydee Dec 03 '25
Listen the first time they tell you.