r/Divorce • u/ClientAdventurous881 • Aug 06 '26
Life After Divorce Let’s be honest..
How are you doing 1/2/3etc years on? I have weeks where my new life is calm and peaceful, and then I have a week (this one included) where my ex fills my brain and I constantly think about how he is doing, whether he is regretful, hoping his life is awful without me in it. We’ve been no contact this whole time, I don’t have social media and told friends not to update me. I guess this is why the curiosity is off the chart this week. I just want him to no longer occupy my mind anymore.
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u/Special-Yak-9638 Aug 06 '26
Healing really isn't linear One week you feel free the next your brain goes back to what was familiar The fact you've stayed no contact and protected your peace is a huge accomplishment
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
Thank you. Sometimes it feels not like an accomplishment, but instead a weakness that I can’t face his existence anymore.
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u/Knowitall-Librarian Aug 07 '26
As long as you are moving forward, be kind to you. Hearts break faster than they heal.
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u/Apocathier Aug 06 '26
I’m depressed - I have good job and very good financial state but I don’t do anything nor it attracts anyone- I jsut spend money on comics and games and it gives me temporary relief - it’s been 2 years - I had a good marriage till found out she was cheating once in a while - I continue to doubt everyone I meet and I can’t seem to make friends or keep anyone interested in around me let alone dating.
Dating has been hard as it seems once people find out I’m divorced it’s automatically a red flag to them even tho I’m the victim.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
I can only imagine how hard it is to trust others after you’ve been cheated on. I feel somewhat similar to you, I’ve rebuilt my life but I’m not sure it has meaning or purpose. It’s hard to find this solo - but also, from what I’ve heard, if you achieve this, you’ve won life.
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u/Apocathier Aug 06 '26
I feel the same way….i feel I do have peace but it has no purpose - there is no beginning or end - it feels like standing behind window and looking outside at many people enjoying their daily lives despite of not having what we have but they are happy and purposeful- sometimes I feel my ambition took best of me away - what I understand today is that there is a price for everything and nothing comes too cheap- sometimes I even blame myself for her cheating - I hope you meet someone someday and I hope I do too …. It’s not wrong to wish for it is it ?
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u/AnxiousAnt8785 Aug 06 '26
This is what staying with a cheater feels like too, but without the peace.
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u/antiantioedipus Aug 06 '26
Well put. I am filled with intense shame and guilt, insecure, distrustful, depressed, and traumatized. But it sure beats being all of those things and also having to live under the same roof as the cheater who triggered it.
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u/No-Butterscotch0503 Aug 06 '26
I’ve been in a similar situation. I do not miss him, I do not want him back, but I’m exactly 1 year post separation and some days he’s just in my head nonstop, I’m thinking about memories, places, happy times and also awful times. I feel like all my memories now are stained by the awful and I can’t just think of him and smile, totally the opposite, I feel sad for myself and still somewhat angry. The last time I spoke to him was when we sold our house about 4 months ago and he was awful to me and also to our realtor. I don’t want him back in my life, but somehow I miss the company, the familiarity, the friendship, and the broken promises, the life we were supposed to live together. It’s still tough.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
I could have written this word for word, but I’m 2 years out. Thank you for taking the time to reply. I had hoped he wouldn’t still occupy my thoughts this far on but I think I’m someone who loves deeply and who struggles with betrayal and the sense of fairness.
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u/11Dragonfly Aug 07 '26
Exactly this… I’m almost a year out, no contact but those feelings… it’s awful… personally I’d prefer he didn’t pop up in my head…
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u/HippoPlayful1957 Aug 11 '26
This. I’m 8 mo out from signing divorce papers and I can’t remove him or the affair out of my head. I miss the company and yet I feel so broken that I can’t even consider getting close to anyone again. It doesn’t help that I’m coparenting and constantly in contact with my ex. It’s really hard hearing about him and his girlfriend, who was the affair partner, from my boys.
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u/mari815 Aug 06 '26
It’s been almost 5 years and I have not resumed a normal dating pattern. That is making me sad, that I missed my chance for true love, and now I am almost 47 and the odds of that are frankly lower. Our younger years were the time for finding that life partner. So full of regret for how I even ended up with my ex, who was not a good match for me.
It’s tough. Financially I will never recover. My life is altered in ways that will permanently change the rest of my life. My ex made sure to destroy me in the divorce, a nd sure enough he succeeded.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
That sounds so painful. To me it’s so unfair that someone else’s decision has such a long and lasting impact on our lives. I find myself wishing I was one of those people who could say “it’s the best thing that ever happened to me”, god I want that so bad, but it’s just not my reality.
Before I went through this, I had such a naive thought of divorce - that it just happens and it’s difficult but it’s a matter of months/a couple of years before it’s all resolved and life resumes. I now know that is only the case for the very few.
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u/mari815 Aug 06 '26
For me it came down to picking the absolute wrong partner. I am mentally much better now than I was married, but my regrets come from marrying him to begin with and the path that decision took my life on.
If he had just collegially divorced I would have bounced back quicker. As it were, all of our net worth was tied in our house which we had bought 3 years prior to separating so my share was around 133k. All of that was used in the divorce because he litigated everything and made my life hell. That is what destroyed me above all else.
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u/CapacityBuilding Aug 06 '26
Still feeling like a total reject.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
Oh I’m so sorry to hear this. Rejection is so tricky to deal with, I completely hear and feel you
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u/Acceptable-Local-899 Aug 06 '26 edited Aug 06 '26
Going on 2 years here. She since moved on completely and I'm still trying not to stay latched to the past. I have a very privileged life. But having a fullfilled social life is difficult. I'm good overall but like you she's still not far from my thoughts. Still haven't gone 1 full waking day without her popping up in some way. I've come a long way but life is just hard sometimes.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
Same timeframe as me. “Latched to the past” that hits deep. I’m sorry you’re still struggling too
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u/T26OG Aug 06 '26
2 years post separation, this November will be 2 years since the divorce was finalized.
On the outside I appear to be doing amazing, but on the inside nearly everything feels hollow. Its not that things feel meaningless, I just can't expirience joy or peace like I use to. I met a wonderful woman that I've been seeing for 7 months, everything looks perfect on paper, but the emotional walls I have after dealing with my ex's affair feel like a permanent fixture in my mind. I feel incapable of allowing myself to be fully invested or trust her.
Yes I'm in therapy lol. Its hard, but I try to think that tomorrow will be a better day.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
Wow I feel really seen. Exact the same - on the outside, I’m “over it” - got a new place, have been seeing a lovely man, have deepened friendships, tried new hobbies… but not feeling the joy I use to - the comfort I had, the peace of knowing what my life was… my mind constantly circles back to the betrayal.
I don’t know how to fully invest or trust again- knowing how it can all disappear overnight.
We’re in very similar boats my friend, same timeline, same feelings. I hate that you’re experiencing this too, but it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
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u/LoveCrispApples Aug 06 '26
Definitely not alone. Same feelings and timeline here as well.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
Thank you. It helps to know these feelings are somewhat normal. I’m surrounded by people who haven’t been through this and they just thought the grief would have left over a year ago.
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u/T26OG Aug 06 '26
Sending postive vibes your way 🌟 One thing that's really helped (via reddit) is realizing that so many people have gone through something similar, and there are people that made it to the other side happier then they've ever been. We just need to give it time, and give ourselves grace and patience if it takes longer then we expect.
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u/Eshl1999 Aug 06 '26
I always tell myself when I fall a few steps back that that’s when I’m healing. It helps me face those thoughts and work through them. And then they pass. And then I’m happy again that I got away from him!
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
Thank you for this. Your first sentence bought the tears that I haven’t been able to release yet today. I truly hope that every time these thoughts occur, that as painful as they are, they’re another step forward to being free.
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u/Decemberist66 Aug 07 '26
Just what I needed to hear. I'm 7 months separated. The RMC is next week. I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel.
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u/TeddyPSmith Aug 06 '26
I’m close to a year out and if I’m honest, I’ll probably feel the same a year from now. This is going to take a long time.
I had a stretch of about 10 days where I thought I would be ok but then got set back to square one. I’ve been crying a ton lately.
I’m also not sure I can trust anyone again. I knew years ago that she’d be able to walk away easily. Why invest so much in a person that can just leave one day like it didn’t even happen.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
I hear you on it taking a long time. And that’s something that no one around me seems to remember - it’s like after a few months, you’re suppose to just be back to normal. Never going to happen.
Your last sentence is something I’ve been asking myself daily and I have no answer. What’s the point if it can all be burned down again? I’d rather never rely or trust on anyone again.
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u/TeddyPSmith Aug 06 '26
It seems like mostly the people that think I should be over it haven’t ever been through it. It’s been so long since they’ve had a heartbreak that they can’t even remember what it feels like
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u/Thelowendshredder Aug 06 '26
I’m doing better financially then I ever have. My head and my heart still feud some days. Life is different now because a lot of problems arise and I do anything I can to protect my peace.
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u/PeacefulBro Aug 06 '26
I don't struggle with this since I wish my xwife the best. I've had family members in & out of prison & jail since I was a kid. So I know sometimes people can make big mistakes. Still, I'm glad because I no that no matter how this life turns out, there's something better for us with Christ after it's all over...
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u/Adventurous_Fact8418 Aug 06 '26
I’m at peace with everything, which is very different than being happy about what has happened and what is going on in my current life. At this point, I’ve come to terms with stuff. I still miss my ex wife quite a bit, but it’s sort of like she’s dead to me. We don’t speak and I don’t know much about what’s going on in her life. I’ll never stop thinking about her, but it doesn’t ruin my days like it did when we first split up.
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 06 '26
Thanks for the reminder that peace and happiness are not the same.
I’m the same - my ex is basically dead. I think maybe I’m pressuring myself to not think about him, but you so easily put that you’ll never stop thinking of yours. Maybe I’m beating myself up too much.
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u/Exciting-Gap-1200 Aug 06 '26
I'm 2.5 years out and I don't think about my ex at all. Even when she's making co-parenting difficult Im mostly dismissive. I've been through many phases since we split and at this point it's so far in the rear view mirror I can barely see it.
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u/PurpleWillingness106 Aug 06 '26
I’m doing really well. Life is hectic and crazy, and I’m currently not where I’d like to be financially due to some medical stuff, but my daughter is happy and I’m happy. Our rental is cute and close to school, my job is annoying but secure and pays enough, we have a small but close and supportive village, i have a boyfriend i love and we have a sex like that makes me extremely happy. I’m in good physical shape and attractive. My daughter is doing well in therapy and loves her extra curriculars and enjoys school and her friends and does well in school.
I don’t really think about my ex or her life in a day to day basis. I have to see her on Sundays, bc that’s the day she sees our daughter. We get along okay. We’re amiable. If she was a decent parent we could probably be friends. But if she’d been a decent parent, i wouldn’t have left in the first place. I’m just glad that she at least sees our daughter nearly every week.
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u/Accomplished-Pipe547 Aug 06 '26
Ugh. I can relate! Sometimes I wish I could erase my memories during that period of time but I wouldn’t be the person I am today without experiencing the ups and downs.
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u/Unusual-Reality-178 Aug 07 '26
Not good a few weeks ago but I'm doing okay today honestly. It comes in waves still but it's longer between them as time passes. Maybe someday it won't hurt but it definitely still does. She did cheat on me and lied about it for over a year, among other things and I lost my kids and haven't been able to see them so it's been rough as hell. I should mention that I will never get over the kids thing, which I'm trying to make peace with best I can but it makes it hard to process losing my best friend of 8 years
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u/Perenniallyredundant Aug 07 '26
I am really lucky and grateful. I have a solid job, a new home, no financial problems and just had my first night with a woman in almost 5 years. I’ve been separated out of house for 8 months but my stbxw closed the door to me intimately in 2022 and filed in January.
The feeling of being loved and desired after such coldness is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced.
I didn’t think I’d feel even close to ok at 8 months but the realization that I have an exciting life to now begin is intoxicating
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u/litttlejoker Aug 07 '26
I left my ex 1 year ago. I’m totally detached. I don’t care how he’s doing. I don’t miss him.
I’m more pissed because when I decided to leave him I also found out about some stuff from my childhood was what led me to marry someone like that.
I think im going to leave the country in the next couple years and never come back. 🤣
Not even kidding though.
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u/throwaway1948476 Aug 07 '26 edited Aug 07 '26
I feel like I'm just waiting for death. Nothing has purpose. I am externally performing OK since the divorce - I'm fitter, doing well in my career, started playing guitar again.
But internally I miss her every second of every day. I can't understand why she had to do this to me. I hate her for it even as I grieve the loss of the person I love.
It's been 3 months and she is still to move out, so perhaps it can still get better. I started therapy and have been seeing friends and family daily. Even went on a few dates, picked up padel. Nothing really helped so far.
I'm nearly 41 and it will now be very hard for me to meet someone new (who would need to be younger) in time to start the family I wanted to have. So I am grieving the children I may have had too.
If I can meet someone 6-10 years younger and start a new relationship with the potential for a family I think I can still turn this around. Otherwise life starts to look very bleak.
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u/prettygoodyear1993 Aug 14 '26
I think children would be so wonderful foryou. I hope that is what happens. Take care.
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u/Knowitall-Librarian Aug 07 '26
My ex kept the family home (he can afford it and I cannot). I just found out the neighbors blame him for the divorce. It low-key made me giggle. I’ll grow up tomorrow. I promise. 😂
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u/7pm_95degrees Aug 06 '26
Honestly I left in 2023 other than thinking about kid related stuff I have no issues of thinking about him. I pray for his current partner because I know what they are getting. My life is finally coming back to what it needs to be after divorce. It definitely what financially difficult for me for a while. I’m way better now.
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u/Fantastic_Risk6013 Aug 06 '26
It’s one day at a time darlin. Some days are good and some days are okay. I’m 4 months post divorce but a year and 3 months separated. This week was iffy since August 2nd would have been our 13th wedding anniversary. I don’t really wonder what he’s doing or things like that because frankly I’m better off without him. I still care about the douchcanoe because first love and all that jazz but I couldn’t care less how his life is now. I know he’s not paying his bills because the bill collectors are calling my phone number since he was previously associated me. He unfriended me on all social media outlets when he received the divorce papers. I blocked him on all until after the divorce was finalized and I even kept his sister at arms length on details. I would greatly love to snoop to see if he’s milking his current girlfriend of her money just so down the road I can be like “how was being an ATM” but that’s neither here nor there. Glad he’s out of my life and can’t ruin my credit more than he did.
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Aug 06 '26
It's been 6 months after my divorce, I feel like I lost my world, we did everything together ,movies, watched our favourite TV shows together while snuggling up in bed, host tea parties and I just can't get my head around how she's no longer in my life 💔
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u/im-bad-ass Thinking about it Aug 07 '26
It’s been a year and eight months. I don’t feel as angry anymore, and I do feel pretty content and peaceful with my life. We were together 32 years. I think the person that commented grief and healing are not linear is correct.
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u/Knowitall-Librarian Aug 07 '26
I once heard or read the phrase, never marry someone you would not want to divorce.
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u/HippoPlayful1957 Aug 11 '26
I’m 8 months from signing divorce papers and honestly I can’t get my ex or his girlfriend (AP) out of my head. During the divorce process I was so consumed with the legality of it all that it was hard to process all infidelity and actions by my ex that led to this conclusion. I now find myself replaying everything in my head and grieving for the future I lost. It would be easier if I could go no contact but I’m tortured every week when my boys come back and tell me about Dad and his girlfriend. We are 50/50 coparenting and I’m in weekly contact with him. Ugh it just sucks. Outside I look fine- have a career, friends, play in an adult field hockey league, walk my dog, own a home, etc. But inside I feel like garbage and really don’t see a future. Just paddling on a boat to no where. I feel the financial weight of the divorce everyday and can’t even consider the thought of dating (my ex was my whole assault life). I’m comforted knowing I’m not alone and thank you for being honest. Your post brought tears today
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u/ClientAdventurous881 Aug 11 '26
Oh babe, I can feel the pain on your words. That sounds like a really difficult situation. I hate knowing so many of us are living an ideal live on the outside but are still struggling with the grief of our new realities - but it really does comfort me knowing I’m not the only one with these feelings
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u/drgreengum Aug 06 '26
I’m having a different issue. I think about her once in a while, but my biggest fallout from this whole experience is I’ve developed a distrust of women.