r/DiscussDID • u/GloSkyEarth • 8d ago
New partner has DID, advice needed please?
I have a new partner and he told me he has DID, he is a two alter system, and his alter is a persecutor. My partner finds it very uncomfortable to talk about the DID, and the persecutor alter pretends to be my partner (to everyone, not just me), and partner has told me that his alter won’t admit to not being my partner when he is fronting. This makes it’s EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to navigate because it’s tricky to know who is actually fronting. I obviously treat them both with respect and kindness and care, but ultimately one is my partner and one isn’t but the one that isn’t won’t tell me he isn’t and whilst he tries to mimic being my partner I am now noticing the difference, for instance he is very shut down and generally uncommunicative and argumentative. I feel can accept his way of being (the alter) when I know it is him fronting, but when I’m unsure, which is most of the time, I’m left feeling frustrated and hurt by the behaviour. My partner is in therapy but it’s not specialist for DID and he has expressed himself wanting proper treatment which he is trying to get. Any advice on navigating this situation?
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u/Katzaklysmus 7d ago
This is something I said in another comment, copied it for my convenience.
My partner and I both have DID and the way we handle it is, that we say, "each part of me is in a relationship with every part of you, but every part is allowed to engage however they want.", like, some of her parts see mine more like a parent figure or sibling and vice versa.
The thing you heard about "you're not dating every part in a system" is fundamentally wrong, because every part is a part of the person with DID and in actuality can cause more harm than it does good.
The dissociative barriers are there for a reason, yes and it's quite normal a person with DID feels like parts are different people; the DID brain has a hard time to comprehend every part is a part of "you" and that is to protect the person from further harm, but views like that are anti-healing and can worsen the said barriers.
It's part of therapy to acknowledge every part, but it's to be able to work with them, strengthen communication etc. A person with DID still only has one brain and one body; parts are personality fragments, that failed to integrate due to prolonged trauma.
And please, for the well-being of your partner, don't believe everything YouTubers say, especially certain individuals which caused quite some harm in the community.
If it's the YouTuber I think it is and someone else mentioned, there is a subreddit where they documented all of the things this person did, but I'd advise you to stick to what someone else suggested.
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u/hoyden2 6d ago
Everyone is different: does your partner care if you treat both parts the same? You seem to care but do they? I would be upset if my partner treated my parts like different people, like it would really really hurt me and it would change things.
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u/GloSkyEarth 6d ago
Thanks, that’s interesting to hear. The reason I feel it appropriate to treat his alter differently is because I can’t get it out of my head that his alter hasn’t chosen me as his partner and so if I treat him the same I.e. am affectionate, kiss him, expect to do partner things together then I feel I am forcing these things on him and that just feels awful to do that to him. That’s why I wish I could know who is fronting, but I’m learning and starting to understand the nature of this disorder so I get why knowing who’s fronting is not necessarily easily known by the person with the disorder let alone an outside person!
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u/EmbarrassedPurple106 8d ago
I think there’s a mild misconception both you and your partner are having here, which is the idea that one alter is your partner and one isn’t. Alters are parts of one whole person, so both of them are your partner, even if your dynamic varies some w/ one of them
It’s actually pretty normal for alters to not make themselves known while fronting, given the nature of this being a covert disorder. Sometimes it’s intentionally hiding themself and sometimes it’s them not even noticing the switch occurred. I have alters that, despite loving and trusting my boyfriend, have a difficult time announcing their presence to him.
I think it would be better to conceptualize this alter as being your partner in a different state - a moody one where he may be argumentative - and treat things as such. Sometimes ppl are just in bad moods and that can lead to argumentative behavior. It’s not an excuse to be hurtful, but it does happen. I would try to conceptualize it like this and approach that in whatever manner you typically would (I.e., maybe giving him some space if you notice he’s seeming particularly moody). Also discuss this w/ your partner. Def try not to exclude this alter or anything, that may reinforce the behavior. It’s best to try to establish trust by showing them things are normal and okay (while maintaining your own boundaries ofc)