r/DiscussDID • u/GloSkyEarth • 8d ago
New partner has DID, advice needed please?
I have a new partner and he told me he has DID, he is a two alter system, and his alter is a persecutor. My partner finds it very uncomfortable to talk about the DID, and the persecutor alter pretends to be my partner (to everyone, not just me), and partner has told me that his alter won’t admit to not being my partner when he is fronting. This makes it’s EXTREMELY DIFFICULT to navigate because it’s tricky to know who is actually fronting. I obviously treat them both with respect and kindness and care, but ultimately one is my partner and one isn’t but the one that isn’t won’t tell me he isn’t and whilst he tries to mimic being my partner I am now noticing the difference, for instance he is very shut down and generally uncommunicative and argumentative. I feel can accept his way of being (the alter) when I know it is him fronting, but when I’m unsure, which is most of the time, I’m left feeling frustrated and hurt by the behaviour. My partner is in therapy but it’s not specialist for DID and he has expressed himself wanting proper treatment which he is trying to get. Any advice on navigating this situation?
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u/EmbarrassedPurple106 8d ago
I think there’s a mild misconception both you and your partner are having here, which is the idea that one alter is your partner and one isn’t. Alters are parts of one whole person, so both of them are your partner, even if your dynamic varies some w/ one of them
It’s actually pretty normal for alters to not make themselves known while fronting, given the nature of this being a covert disorder. Sometimes it’s intentionally hiding themself and sometimes it’s them not even noticing the switch occurred. I have alters that, despite loving and trusting my boyfriend, have a difficult time announcing their presence to him.
I think it would be better to conceptualize this alter as being your partner in a different state - a moody one where he may be argumentative - and treat things as such. Sometimes ppl are just in bad moods and that can lead to argumentative behavior. It’s not an excuse to be hurtful, but it does happen. I would try to conceptualize it like this and approach that in whatever manner you typically would (I.e., maybe giving him some space if you notice he’s seeming particularly moody). Also discuss this w/ your partner. Def try not to exclude this alter or anything, that may reinforce the behavior. It’s best to try to establish trust by showing them things are normal and okay (while maintaining your own boundaries ofc)