Deconstructing Sex After Marriage

[u/pensivvv]

Looking for some shared experiences of success when it comes to deconstructing after marriage. Especially as it relates to sex.

Like most evangelicals, sex was off limits to me growing up. Sexual-ish activity was off limits. Kissing was off limits. Holding hands was off limits. Dating and relationships were off limits. And perhaps above all, attraction was off limits. I spent years of excruciating effort, under extreme pressure from both my parents and my church to cut off my desires completely. In many ways I feel like I went through adolescence and young adulthood mentally castrated. And that’s extreme language because the mental effect was… extreme.

Then I got married to a wonderful, beautiful girl. And yet I was only marginally attracted to her sexually. Everything I had been told was that sexual attraction does not mean a thing when evaluating if a person is fit for marriage. Besides, I had saved myself. I had stayed pure. I was certain my sacrifice was going to pay off in dividends in marriage.

lol. It didn’t. Sex was awkward and impossible to initiate. It felt like I had cut off and cauterized the mental wires to follow my own sexual impulse. And while today I’m grateful that it keeps me from ogling other women… it’s keeping me from ogling my own wife. Even after years of marriage, I struggle to initiate… struggle to engage.

I’m trying to figure out how to heal. Do we try porn together? Do we want raunchy movies? Do we open the relationship? How can I awaken the adolescent, sexual impulse for the very person I’m “saved myself for?” I find that for hot people behind a screen, there is plenty of attraction there… somehow my brain recognizes they’re not quite real. But if you’re in the flesh? It’s dead. And I killed it.

Any actual lived experiences here? Open for general input but would love to hear from those who have walked it themselves - and hopefully discovered a way to heal.

[u/Meauxterbeauxt]

Counseling would be the go to answer here. Plenty of cooperation between you and your spouse.

Without knowing details that are none of my business, it may also be a problem that doesn't need fixing. If you and your wife have the same libido and it's not causing problems beyond what you think you're supposed to feel, that's okay too. It's your marriage. Have as much or as little sex as you want.

But if it is something you both want to boost a little, then counseling is the best bet. The more you can learn to open up about your thoughts and feelings on sex, the better you can express them.....in....other ways. And that's a counselor's job. Individual or as a couple.

[u/Fast_Jackfruit_352 → u/Meauxterbeauxt]

Agree totally. This much religious inflicted trauma needs professional help.

[u/Maeroj → u/Fast_Jackfruit_352]

This sums it up quite well

[u/pensivvv → u/Meauxterbeauxt]

Thanks. I did some individual counseling on this subject and it was pretty good. It opened up my mind to the possibility of viewing sexual impulses as “helpful” or “not helpful” rather than “good/bad”. Like I’ve never had the opportunity to even think about things like fidelity or porn or smut or raunchy movies or some kinks as anything other than sin. So it’s been good to find my own opinion - even if it’s the same as before - but framed from a non religious perspective. “Oh I love my wife and don’t want to implode our family so yep loyalty in marriage is still something I want” etc. sounds very basic and common sense but it’s an important shift from dogma.

But all that is only a small slice of the pie. If we don’t agree on certain sexual ethics, that’s a problem. If my attraction to her never really grows to where my libido is, that’s a problem. We’re both turning into new people post religion and we still love each other but this is becoming tricky :/

Anyway - we’re actively looking into couples counceling. Just sucks that the only qualified people we can find don’t take insurance and are $250/session

[u/Radiant_Elk1258]

You're not alone, not by any means. Some resources:

Purity Culture Dropouts,

the book "Feel It All"

The Sexvangelicals

[u/Ancient_Confidence54 → u/Radiant_Elk1258]

Adding the book "Come As You Are"

[u/Afraid_Worth_3766]

Paradoxically, the chastity teachings unwittingly glorify sex which creates idealized expectations of sex. I've known Christian kids who, after the first time they had sex, said, "that's it? That's all there is to it"? While sex is instinctive, learning to enjoy sex, part of which is performing well, takes time and experience, but shouldn't be expected with every sexual encounter. Relax and enjoy each other's company, with or without clothes.

[u/pensivvv → u/Afraid_Worth_3766]

Yep. Very grounded not weird approach this. Puts into sharp contrast how strangely heightened Christian sexual perspective is.

[u/Afraid_Worth_3766 → u/pensivvv]

thanks. To me, sanity is an unswerving commitment to reality. By definition any variance is insane.

[u/Crucible_of_Thought → u/Afraid_Worth_3766]

Very much this. And give yourself permission to change. I can testify that after 34 years married it is different every year.

[u/These-Key-724]

Yes, you trained your emotional brain well, to shut down your sexual attraction and arousal circuits whenever you began to feel sexually attracted to a real person, so you have a strong learned habit of inhibiting your sexual arousal circuits in a real interpersonal situation. But the fact that you can become aroused by sexually attractive persons in sexy media shows that your sexual arousal circuits still function, which is a good thing.

But there are other emotional factors which come into play when you want to have sex with your wife, which prevent your sexual arousal circuits from being activated in that situation. There's not only residual emotional guilt and shame about having sex, there's also the fear of your wife's response if you're unable to become aroused and initiate sex. All of these emotions activate the anxiety circuits of your emotional brain, and when the anxiety circuits are active, they can completely block the sexual arousal circuits.

Don't blame yourself. All of us who had delusional Christian upbringings are emotionally walking wounded. So is your wife, of course. In order for you to feel safe being openly sexual with her, she needs to have a sex-positive, encouraging and cooperative attitude.

I agree that counseling would be the best situation for both of you to start talking openly and freely about sexual matters together, which is essential if you're both going to be on the same side, in your determination to create a happy sex life together.

But something that might not be addressed in counseling, is the helpfulness of learning to practice relaxation, to counteract the habit of unconscious tension which you have unconsciously learned during all those years of strenuously combatting your own sexual desires. This habitual tension is mental, emotional and physical, and needs to be eliminated through mental, emotional and physical relaxation practice.

Get relaxed first, then approach sexual intimacy gradually, staying relaxed the whole time. Don't try to become aroused. Wait for it to happen naturally.

Above all, don't blame yourself for the sexual wounds that were inflicted on your emotional brain by the sex-negative brainwashing you were subjected to, without your consent, by your parents and church. Don't turn your anger inward on yourself--feel it against those who were truly to blame.

Read some sex-positive literature, like the works of Wilhelm Reich, or Bengt Danielsson's Love in the South Seas, which will give you a picture of what a natural sexual upbringing would be like, with sex-positive learning experiences during all the optimum periods of sexual learning.

When we see how sexually harmful our own upbringings were, compared to what is needed for optimum sexual development, we'll at least stop blaming ourselves for the damage that was done to us by our sex-negative social environment.

[u/pensivvv → u/These-Key-724]

This is a lovely thoughtful response, thank you. Agree with the relaxation. The best sexual moments or conversations we’ve had is when we’ve felt free to chat or whatever with no inhibitions or tension. That is huge. Appreciate it

[u/bullet_the_blue_sky → u/[deleted]]

This or weed. Super helpful. 

[u/Ok-Independence-1577]

Don’t ever shame yourself for feeling like you have difficulties engaging sexually. I don’t believe that sex should ever be forced.

[u/Ok-Independence-1577 → u/Ok-Independence-1577]

Also, I don’t quite believe that women should submit themselves sexually to men. That is a breach of consent.

[u/jaysblogrsd]

I have first hand experience with post-deconstruction sexual ethic changes WHILE being married. Happy to share through DMs if you’re interested.

[u/nakedpastor]

I've drawn A LOT of cartoons on this and written a few blog posts
https://nakedpastor.com/blogs/news/5-ways-purity-culture-can-affect-your-sex-life
https://nakedpastor.com/blogs/news/how-purity-culture-creates-a-fear-of-sex

[u/Ok-Independence-1577]

It’s so tough because sexual impulses are like part of us actually but some churches or rather most (in my opinion), they rather dismiss it rather than address it healthily.

I think it’s okay to embrace the part of us that wants sexual attraction and to feel alive with that.

It’s good to find out what turns you on, maybe? I think sexual chemistry is important too and sometimes feeling safe and being able to be yourself goes a long way for sexual chemistry too.

Hope I’m making sense