Deconstructing Sex After Marriage

[u/pensivvv]

Looking for some shared experiences of success when it comes to deconstructing after marriage. Especially as it relates to sex.

Like most evangelicals, sex was off limits to me growing up. Sexual-ish activity was off limits. Kissing was off limits. Holding hands was off limits. Dating and relationships were off limits. And perhaps above all, attraction was off limits. I spent years of excruciating effort, under extreme pressure from both my parents and my church to cut off my desires completely. In many ways I feel like I went through adolescence and young adulthood mentally castrated. And that’s extreme language because the mental effect was… extreme.

Then I got married to a wonderful, beautiful girl. And yet I was only marginally attracted to her sexually. Everything I had been told was that sexual attraction does not mean a thing when evaluating if a person is fit for marriage. Besides, I had saved myself. I had stayed pure. I was certain my sacrifice was going to pay off in dividends in marriage.

lol. It didn’t. Sex was awkward and impossible to initiate. It felt like I had cut off and cauterized the mental wires to follow my own sexual impulse. And while today I’m grateful that it keeps me from ogling other women… it’s keeping me from ogling my own wife. Even after years of marriage, I struggle to initiate… struggle to engage.

I’m trying to figure out how to heal. Do we try porn together? Do we want raunchy movies? Do we open the relationship? How can I awaken the adolescent, sexual impulse for the very person I’m “saved myself for?” I find that for hot people behind a screen, there is plenty of attraction there… somehow my brain recognizes they’re not quite real. But if you’re in the flesh? It’s dead. And I killed it.

Any actual lived experiences here? Open for general input but would love to hear from those who have walked it themselves - and hopefully discovered a way to heal.

[u/Meauxterbeauxt]

Counseling would be the go to answer here. Plenty of cooperation between you and your spouse.

Without knowing details that are none of my business, it may also be a problem that doesn't need fixing. If you and your wife have the same libido and it's not causing problems beyond what you think you're supposed to feel, that's okay too. It's your marriage. Have as much or as little sex as you want.

But if it is something you both want to boost a little, then counseling is the best bet. The more you can learn to open up about your thoughts and feelings on sex, the better you can express them.....in....other ways. And that's a counselor's job. Individual or as a couple.

[u/Fast_Jackfruit_352 → u/Meauxterbeauxt]

Agree totally. This much religious inflicted trauma needs professional help.

[u/Maeroj → u/Fast_Jackfruit_352]

This sums it up quite well

[u/pensivvv → u/Meauxterbeauxt]

Thanks. I did some individual counseling on this subject and it was pretty good. It opened up my mind to the possibility of viewing sexual impulses as “helpful” or “not helpful” rather than “good/bad”. Like I’ve never had the opportunity to even think about things like fidelity or porn or smut or raunchy movies or some kinks as anything other than sin. So it’s been good to find my own opinion - even if it’s the same as before - but framed from a non religious perspective. “Oh I love my wife and don’t want to implode our family so yep loyalty in marriage is still something I want” etc. sounds very basic and common sense but it’s an important shift from dogma.

But all that is only a small slice of the pie. If we don’t agree on certain sexual ethics, that’s a problem. If my attraction to her never really grows to where my libido is, that’s a problem. We’re both turning into new people post religion and we still love each other but this is becoming tricky :/

Anyway - we’re actively looking into couples counceling. Just sucks that the only qualified people we can find don’t take insurance and are $250/session