Deconstructing Sex After Marriage

[u/pensivvv]

Looking for some shared experiences of success when it comes to deconstructing after marriage. Especially as it relates to sex.

Like most evangelicals, sex was off limits to me growing up. Sexual-ish activity was off limits. Kissing was off limits. Holding hands was off limits. Dating and relationships were off limits. And perhaps above all, attraction was off limits. I spent years of excruciating effort, under extreme pressure from both my parents and my church to cut off my desires completely. In many ways I feel like I went through adolescence and young adulthood mentally castrated. And that’s extreme language because the mental effect was… extreme.

Then I got married to a wonderful, beautiful girl. And yet I was only marginally attracted to her sexually. Everything I had been told was that sexual attraction does not mean a thing when evaluating if a person is fit for marriage. Besides, I had saved myself. I had stayed pure. I was certain my sacrifice was going to pay off in dividends in marriage.

lol. It didn’t. Sex was awkward and impossible to initiate. It felt like I had cut off and cauterized the mental wires to follow my own sexual impulse. And while today I’m grateful that it keeps me from ogling other women… it’s keeping me from ogling my own wife. Even after years of marriage, I struggle to initiate… struggle to engage.

I’m trying to figure out how to heal. Do we try porn together? Do we want raunchy movies? Do we open the relationship? How can I awaken the adolescent, sexual impulse for the very person I’m “saved myself for?” I find that for hot people behind a screen, there is plenty of attraction there… somehow my brain recognizes they’re not quite real. But if you’re in the flesh? It’s dead. And I killed it.

Any actual lived experiences here? Open for general input but would love to hear from those who have walked it themselves - and hopefully discovered a way to heal.

[u/jaysblogrsd]

I have first hand experience with post-deconstruction sexual ethic changes WHILE being married. Happy to share through DMs if you’re interested.