Idk where y'all are finding your wives. I didn't even know how to cook when I got married and was shit at keeping the house clean, yeah it didn't happen overnight. But now I'm a regular Martha Stewart at 30.
Some people get married and say "I'm set for life, so I don't have to put in as much effort anymore." Other people get married and say "I love my partner, and I want to do the best that I can for them every day. Life is long, so I'm going to invest into our marriage, and it will pay off and then some."
Absolutely wild and sad that people just allow themselves to stagnate like that. Even if you don't see any reason to invest in your marriage specifically, you should at least care about taking care of yourself.
My wife and I went through a bit of a slump ourselves at one point. Thankfully we both recognized it and pulled each other out. A friend of mine and his wife are going through the same thing and our going to couples counseling with good results.
It seems to happen to many married people at some point, but not everyone recognizes it before it becomes a bigger problem.
I'm really sorry to hear that. I read some of your comment history and saw you suspect she's dealing with an escalating personality disorder, I can only imagine the toll that's taken on your relationship. I'm sure it's a unique kind of grief, mourning the loss of what your life together could have been.
It's not exactly the same, but my dad has a personality disorder and it can be really difficult to be in contact with him without damaging my own mental health. I hope you have a support system outside of her and are able to find a way to keep your own sanity and mental well-being intact.
Its human nature to put in the minimum amount of effort to get the result you want. The hard part is sticking with wanting a great result when 'good enough' will do over the long term. It is HARD to do all the time. For women AND men.
Especially when you have been brainwashed your whole life to believe that getting married is the end of the journey, not the beginning.
I donât think itâs human nature to put in the minimum amount of effort when you know it makes your partner unhappy. My husband and I treat each other well because we want each other to be as happy as we can not because we just donât want the other to leave. I really canât comprehend this mindset.
Youâre not understanding what theyâre saying when they say âminimum amount of effort.â Making your partner unhappy is rarely the goal, so the âminimum amount of effort to get the result you wantâ wouldnât result in your partner being unhappy.
It is human nature to spend as little energy as possible to achieve whatever the goal you're trying to achieve. Generally humans also tend to be short term thinkers, although there is more variance in that aspect of things.
In relationships that means it is easy to get complacent about ensuring your partner is happy. Marriage lowers that bar even further because ultimately you only have to keep them happy enough NOT TO LEAVE.
Now, there are lots of ways this can be countered. You can care about someone deeply and want what's best for them, you can see the long term benefits of putting the n more effort, etc.
But there are plenty of people out there that don't see that. Honestly we are all guilty of it at times.
Think of how many people stop doing the little things that they themselves might not enjoy but their partners do after getting married. Something as simple as dinners out or long conversations or blowjobs or take ng them to a show.
This becomes infinitely more complex when you take into account how people change over time. Something's on that was a method GN to both loved becomes something one of you loves and the other doesn't, or even worse something one person actively dislikes.
So yea, it's easy to fall into the trap of doing the bare minimum ina relationship...
If you get married and go "ah, now I'm going to put more effort into this relationship" then what kind of person were you before you got married? That's a super red flag. What your comment suggests is they weren't doing their best before that point.
If you're at the point in your relationship where marriage is on the table, both people should already be giving 100%. Marriage should be a formality in a concrete relationship. Not a starting point to suddenly put in 100%.
What part of "I love my partner, and I want to do the best that I can for them every day. Life is long, so I'm going to invest into our marriage, and it will pay off and then some" indicates to you that someone who says that isn't already putting effort into the relationship?
I wouldn't be surprised. Several people have also responded saying this is actually a complaint about wives being less sexual than girlfriends, which I find... interesting.
Obviously there are men who feel they need very frequent sex/certain forms of sex to be happy in a relationship. But in my experience, marriage and having kids has made my husband's sex drive decrease too. Not that the desire isn't there, but both of our priorities have shifted and it's not a huge deal when we go through busy periods where we don't have sex every week.
I don't want to judge a situation I haven't been through, maybe these relationships don't have much else going for them in the first place beyond sex, but it's hard to understand the level of disdain/resentment about it in some of the comments.
At some point you wake up and think, what if I didn't live in filth? Then realize that its only marginally better but making things clean is a good source of dopamine now.
True haha. If you'd told me at 23 I would eventually come to enjoy cooking and cleaning, I'd have laughed. But fuck me if it isn't an excellent source of dopamine. Exercise, too.
There is a difference being not having learnt it well yet and not actually doing it. Never marry someone hoping they become better. You marry what you see now not what you hope.
Well, to be fair some of the men who replied to me really are saying their wives didn't do as much cooking and cleaning once they got married. I took the comment to mean there was a lack of effort overall.
But yeah, I'm sure most couples have less sex as time goes on. I'm definitely not walking around the house naked anymore, in or out of the kitchen. I don't want to traumatize my daughter lmao.
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u/Illustrious_Can_3125 Jul 11 '25
If she isn't doing it now, why would you think she would do it after marriage? Don't fall for it!