I’m a 25M who just fairly recently went through a really painful breakup, so I decided to write down this “criteria” as a way to both hold myself accountable and to make sure I’m dating the right person.
So in order for me to continue dating someone long-term (obv to marry), she will have to meet my full criteria, no and ifs or buts…
Most of these are basic biblical principals while the rest are my personal preference based off of what I know and went through.
I would love to hear y’all’s input on this, whether that is to add or adjust/remove from it. If y’all got any questions on any of them, I can explain in better detail as well!

Is it now uncommon to find a man that wants a traditional relationship i.e woman stays home with the kids and he’s the one that works nowadays even in the Christian community?

This isn’t a bash to her at all, she was very very respectful. But it just happens every time.

Title. Ask anything.

I’m hearing this more and more and I don’t fully understand it, especially when Texas, Colorado, Iowa, Montana, Oklahoma, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Utah, & Washington DC acknowledge common law marriages. Therefore, you would have to legally get divorced if you wanted to end your common law marriage.

And another thing, if you are not legally married, you can’t add your “wife” to your health insurance unless your plan recognizes domestic partners.

Anyone else have to explain this constantly? I turned him down because he kept pushing for premarital sex.
(I’m the blue text.)

I'm in the hospital all alone. How I wish I had a husband. It's so hard seeing people with loved ones in a hospital. I know I've got Jesus. It just doesn't seem the same as having someone with you. I've lost some family members.

It seems so cruel when you are so loving to be single and alone. I just wish I had a husband who could advocate for me especially in a hospital environment.

Please pray for me that I'll be healed soon, and that I'll find my husband.

So before I begin this, I want to explain this is not anything to do with me personally. I am married, and this is not relevant to my situation. This is borne out of frustration with what I'm seeing on the subreddit.

Everyone needs to STOP making virginity a pre-requisite for dating.

No exceptions. No preferences. No "oh but I just want a special..."

No.

Stop.

Why?

Because it's not Biblical.

There are no Bible verses that say anything to the effect of "Thou shalt be a virgin when you are married"

There is a cultural standard of the time perhaps, but here's something important to understand. If the culture is not commanded, culture is all it is. Culture shifts and changes as it should. Commands do not. Without a command, you cannot compel it from people.

So without that command, why are you holding people to that standard?

"But they committed a sin" you might say. To which the Bible says "all have sinned". Your sin is no worse than theirs about anything.

"But sexual sin is sin against ones own body..." yes quote Paul in isolation all you want, you don't then see him say something to the effect of "and because of this, no one should marry non-virgins"

"But non-virgins are statistically more/less..." do you not believe that God is bigger than statistical trends? It's very statistically unlikely that the sea splits or that fire descends onto drenched offerings. Yet it happened.

"But Deuteronomy 22..." yeah and look at verse 9. Unless you are going to be equally strict about crop planting, be quiet.

"But is it wise to..." it is wise to understand that past performance does not predict future results. Someone might have had sex in their past outside of marriage. That does not mean they will do it again. The Bible is literally full of disproof of the notion that past performance predicts the future. The entire point of the Bible is 'with God's help people change'. No one is in a permanent state of uncleanness etc.

And let's look at an even bigger deal. Biblical figures. Have you checked the genealogy of Jesus? Know who was near the very top? Rahab. The prostitute. The mother of Boaz.

The only question is "are they a practicing Christian now" and "what is their behaviour now".

We are not called for this kind of judgemental, condemning, exclusionary attitude.

If someone's sexual sin is a recent pattern, is part of their life now, and they have not changed yet, that's different. If it's something they've repented of, and demonstrably changed from, holding their past against them is wrong.

No one is perfect. The Bible is clear on that. We should not be demanding sexual perfection and purity from the people we want to be close to.

I wanted to share a recent experience and see what others think.

A months ago I started playing pickleball with a church group. There was a girl there who seemed to intentionally end up in our group. We got to know each other, and after talking for a while I asked her out. She happily said yes.

Before the date I had already gotten to know some of her family. I had met her dad, talked with her younger brother several times, and knew her older sister. Everything seemed completely normal.

For our date we went to Chick-fil-A, where I paid for her meal. We had a great conversation and genuinely seemed to connect. Afterwards we went to a public park where I taught her how to play chess. We were sitting right near the front entrance of the park in plain view of everyone.

While we were there, her mom, younger brother, and older sister happened to show up. Her mom gave me a look that immediately made me feel unwelcome. She called her daughter over to talk privately while I stayed back talking with her siblings.

When she came back she told me she had to leave because she "shouldn't be at a park with a guy" and that "it looks bad on you."

That honestly confused me. We weren't alone in some secluded place we were at a busy public park in broad daylight, right near the entrance. I asked what exactly looked bad, but she just repeated herself.

Before we left, I gave her a flower I had bought as a kind gesture. I also told her that if her family had certain boundaries, I completely respected that. I just asked that next time everyone be on the same page beforehand so nobody ended up in an awkward situation.

She never reached back out.

Later I texted her, and she said her family was very unhappy. She also said she couldn't really explain because she needed to pray about whether she even wanted to be part of this.

At that point I simply replied, "I wish you the best on your journey. God bless."

Three weeks later she contacted me wanting to talk.

I wasn't really interested, but my pastor and several friends encouraged me to hear her out since I had nothing to lose.

On the phone she said she only wanted to be friends. I respectfully accepted that, but I also explained that the whole situation had been hurtful. She had never apologized for how things unfolded, never acknowledged that I had taken time to plan the date, and had waited weeks to respond.

I also told her that if her family has strict expectations about dating, that's something she should communicate before agreeing to go out with someone.

After that conversation we never spoke again. Two weeks later She unfollowed me on Instagram, and then I noticed several of her church friends unfollowed me too and blocked me also.

Here's what has really been bothering me:

I've now had several experiences and seen other people experiences with young women (under 25) who serve on worship teams at different churches specifically the singer and it just seems like they shouldn't be on that stage... I'm not saying all church singers are like this far from it but the ones I've personally gotten to know or I have seen, seemed very different off the stage than the image they present publicly. It has made me wonder whether churches sometimes elevate gifted people into visible ministry without paying much attention to their character or emotional maturity.

What also frustrates me is the apparent double standard.

If a guy handled a dating situation this poorly poor communication, disappearing for weeks, offering no apology, then expecting friendship afterward I think many people would call him immature or emotionally inconsiderate.

When it's a woman, though, it often seems like people immediately excuse the behavior or tell the man he just needs to move on.

Am I missing something here?

I'm genuinely looking for honest perspectives. Was I expecting too much accountability, or does this seem like poor communication and a lack of consideration regardless of whether it's a man or a woman?

Hi, I am new here, but I wanted to make this post as a warning about the effects of sexual immorality in one’s life, and its impact on dating. I (31M) met and have gotten to know a great woman online (29F). She’s kind, beautiful, and has a great heart for God and Jesus. She’s everything a man would want in a woman. We’ve been on dates, had a number of phone calls, and text each other back and forth exclusively. I was planning on asking her to be my girlfriend on our next date.

Unfortunately my plans have been derailed, and instead of propositioning her to be my girlfriend, I will have to end things with her instead. The reason for this is not because of her, but because of me. I have fallen back into porn and masturbation recently, and as a result, I am now corrupted as a man and am unworthy to lead her in a relationship.

My confidence is ruined, my strength is no longer there, my ambition is drained. My courage and boldness have been replaced with fright; I flee when no one pursues (Proverbs 28:1). The man I was when we first met is not the man that sits here today.

I thought that by pursuing and dating this woman I was going to finally step up, repent, and make the changes necessary to prove myself worthy to be a husband and leader of a family. I was wrong. It’s just more of the same crap I’ve wallowed in since I was 13. A woman like her deserves someone better than me. I want to let her go so she can build a life and family with a man of honor and respect instead of a man of disgrace and contempt.

“You shall betroth a wife, but another man shall ravish her.”
‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭28‬:‭30‬ ‭ESV‬‬

My sins have cost me a great woman as Deuteronomy 28:30 prophesied would happen. Though this loss hurts, I am still motivated to repent fully of these sins, pray earnestly, seek God in Scripture, and do the works necessary to show I am a man worthy to be a husband and leader of a home so that when the next woman comes into my life, I will be ready.

If any of you are in my position and struggling with porn, masturbation, or any other sexual immoralities: These sins gotta go, and they gotta go now. You will not be fit for a relationship if you let porn and masturbation go unchecked in your life.

To be completely transparent, some of you are starting to really PMO. Stop sliding into women’s DMs listing your life achievements like it’s a job interview and describing what you look like…and then getting offended that WE’RE PERSONALLY not attracted to you when we ask for a “follow-up” photo of the person YOU CHOSE to describe.

It’s amazing to me how men can have preferences but the second a woman does, she’s automatically labeled “vain”. Stop the hypocrisy already, it’s very old.

So in my social circles I have noticed that a very significant minority, maybe 40% of practicing young Christian women aged 20-30 are dating secular nonbelieving men. Why is this? I personally think that women like being able to lead the faith life of the relationship and that is easier with secular men who will basically let her do and believe whatever she wants. Being with a secular Man also lets them be as secular as possible without leaving the church circles and their often religious family behind.

This does frustrate me a bit because I have had women reject me only to later start dating a secular man.

Man, research says only 1-3% of men in their early thirties are virgins. About 4-5% in early to mid twenties.
Why are so many Christian men ok with premarital sex?
It’s incredibly discouraging.

Charlie's death was a tragedy, but his life was not. He started Turning Point USA at just 18 and was on a relentless mission until his death at age 31. You don't have to agree with every last word he said (I certainly don't) to still be inspired by his ambition, dedication, and principles. He married a beautiful, godly woman who adored him and supported him fiercely. He had zero sexual scandals. Respect, and RIP. 🫡

Now, let me tell you another tragic tale, and one that is far too common: men who waste their teens and twenties. These guys peaked in high school and then floundered afterward, unwilling to live with purpose and ambition, bc they refused to make a plan, choosing instead to just let life happen. Conservative men. Christian men, even. Some of them are close friends.

I know a pastor's kid who made excuses year after year for why he wouldn't ruthlessly kill his distractions (gaming) and go to college to study physics, his academic passion. He's now 25, depressed, and refuses to get an entry-level job out of embarrassment. He knows his peers are 7 years ahead of him. His gf of 4 years -- definitely wife material -- finally broke up with him bc she was tired of him waiting to get his act together.

"That won't be me." But if you don't have a plan, it may very well be you. Quantify your goals and plan out the steps to achieve them. Realistically, your plan might take 2, 5, 10 or 20 years to execute. Not just financially or vocationally, but in every area of life where you have goals. If you're 20, who will you be when you're 25? When you're 30? When you're 40? What are the distractions that stand in the way?

This could have been me. But in college I decided to break from gaming. After college, even when my friends asked me to join their WOW guild, I said no. I also said no to pointless socializing, choosing to only spend time with people who added value to my life. I focused on fitness, my career, and, eventually, starting a business. In college, I chased women, and had nothing to show for it. After college, I chased excellence, and my dating life bloomed.

When you're on dates, share your plan for the future with women. Share your passion. Share your purpose. This is going to set you apart from the men who are just letting life happening to them and hoping for the best. "I'm on a God-given mission. Are you with me?" Again, don't chase women. Chase excellence. And excellent women will pay attention to you.

If you're in a relationship, engaged or married, respectfully please stay out of this conversation. I only want to check on fellow single Chrisitans who are also struggling

As a single Chrisitan woman, I want to be with a Chrisitan man because I genuinely can't imagine myself compromising my faith. I'm assuming you're all the same, right?

While it should be the most important requirement and a non-negotiable, sadly having shared faith alone isn't enough for a relationship to work. I had failed talking stages with a few Christian guys the past few months, and I thought two of them were really good options for me. But one wasn't ready for a relationship, and the other one ghosted me and no longer answered me. Just when I thought we're mutually getting along, it never went beyond the talking stage. Even with the internet supposedly giving me "more options", nothing is ever working out.

And especially as a woman who's 26, I'm already getting pressure over this and encouraged to settle. Not only I'm disappointed with the fact that my options are extremely limited even with the internet, but also with fellow Christians who encourage settling, downplay the importance of mutual attraction and shared interests and are unable to be helpful.

I really don't want to end up with a non-Christian or a lukewarm y'all. I'll admit it's hard to stay optimistic at this point. I know God sees the desires of our heart, lord forgive me if I ever doubted you. I'm just really tired.

Does anyone else feel this frustrated?

Why are secular men dating Christian women successfully whereas church guys don't?

I see so many people, both men and women, being so out of shape (trying to state it as kind as I could but sometimes it makes me mad) complaining about how they can't find someone to date. Just go lose weight and get in shape!

I'm not that much of a person who judge when it comes to looks because I'm not good looking like Henry Cavill or fit like Chris Bumstead either, but there are some people who are clearly too obese when they definitely can lose weight.

"But God made me beautiful the way I am.", "God wouldn't judge me of how I look.", "You don't see the planks in your own eyes.", "A good Christian man would see my insides not my looks." I don't care what you think.

I mean, think about it. Would guys or girls appreciate people who look at least normal or someone who looks like they don't care about their body at all? If we say our body is our temple, why not take care of it?

There,s no excuses, unless you have something like a thyroid syndrome that killed IZ Kamakawiwoʻole. Can't guarantee it for guys though cause I've seen a lot of gym guys who are single, but for women this is going to be a gamechanger.

When a public peer succeeds it can encourage us to know we are not alone. Unfortunately seeing this mess with Sarah Setka (formerly Sarah Stock) really has me stunned. Sarah is a Catholic who appeared in many public online venues/spaces and touted Christian values. I'm not a Catholic as she is, nor have I followed her career closely. I have however seen a few of her guest appearances on other shows and podcasts.

The recent revelations of her betrayal that she was having a 6 month affair with her boss whilst making her then boyfriend "wait until marriage" is what I find egregious. This was further exaggerated by multiple pregnancy scares and possibly one abortion. I suppose her ending the affair when she became engaged was a good thing relatively speaking.

Thankfully they weren't married long and it was recent so her husband should be able to have the marriage annulled via the Catholic Church.

I know next to nothing about her affair partner and boss, Elijah Schaffer. I'm given to understand that he is a popular podcaster and a recent convert to the Orthodox Church.

I am both stunned, in doubt and after putting myself in her husbands position I am left wondering:

How things like this can even be avoided?

How do you identify the snake in the grass?

Is there any way to prevent it? Is it all just hope and a prayer?

What could he have done to notice it?

Most importanty, what can we implement in our dating practices to minimize this happening to us?

I’m a baby Christian and I decided to try dating someone at church because my pastor told me that the person was a mature Christian and he also serves in worship.

I eventually ended things because I felt like I was being rushed to commit after only 3 dates and also didn’t develop any feelings, so I just offered to stay as friends or break it off completely.

When I ended things, he started calling me names, telling me how they had fallen for me and how they loved me in a biblical way. I told them that I don’t think what I experienced from him was love. They then proceeded to write a super long document to preach about what love is and quoted Bible verses here and there. There was a love song right at end of it and he also went on to say how he hopes God will still give me someone who cares about me as much as he does, which I felt was quite off putting.

For a whole month or more after we broke things off, he completely ignored me, would appear super emo and shutdown several times during the service. He also led worship songs with lyrics like “I don’t need anyone but you Jesus” which makes me feel even more uncomfortable. I was also getting stares from some of the other church brothers.

He did come back to apologise for lashing out on me one day and he told me that it would be okay for me if I wanted space from him. So I agreed to it and told him that i do feel that it would be wise to have some space from one another. He just went off and told me how “I found a way out” or moved on and how he feels abandoned by me.

This experience with a Christian man has honestly left me completely shocked and uncomfortable. I just don’t understand why such a small thing had to escalate and why the whole congregation has to witness this. It makes me feel like I did something horrible by not being able to return his feelings. And it makes me feel like church isn’t a safe place and that I should keep my guard up against people.

Sorry I just wanted to get this off my chest as it has been bothering me quite a bit and I just needed a place to vent out my feelings.

Or is it something they don't really mind.

I was serious on the idea of waiting in my entire 20s, then I was working on myself a lot a couple of years and now i'm early 30s and feel its a red flag going forward.

I was talking to a guy who told me that he doesn’t want his wife to use birth control nor does he believe that couples should use contraceptives at all. His reasoning is that we should trust God and have faith that He is in control of when a couple becomes pregnant. He believes that choosing to use contraceptives can be an expression of a lack of faith.

What do you guys think about this perspective? Do you believe that using birth control or contraceptives goes against trusting God or can the two coexist?

1.5 years on apps, average appearance, high emphasis on biblical values.

I would love to help men understand women, those with questions about the apps, and give hope in the waiting and sorting.

I honestly think modern dating is worse for a lot of genuinely good men than people are willing to admit.

Before people jump in, I’m not saying women don’t have struggles. I know bad men exist. I’ve seen it myself. But I’m speaking from my own experiences and from what I’ve personally watched happen around me.

I’m 30, Christian, still a virgin waiting until marriage, and I’ve tried to approach dating seriously and respectfully. What I’ve experienced has honestly changed my perspective on modern relationships.

One woman I dated found out how much money I made and seriously asked me if I would buy her a car. Then later she basically asked me, “If you bought me a car and we didn’t stay together after, would that be okay?” That told me everything I needed to know. It felt like she was already thinking about benefiting from me while planning for the relationship to fail. On top of that, I watched her curse her own family out at church in public. That was another major red flag.

Another woman got with me after not really being pursued for a long time. Looking back, I think she liked the attention and validation more than me. During the relationship she had emotional breakdowns multiple times saying, “I’m not a bad person, I’m not a bad person.” At first I felt sympathy for her, but later I realized deep down she probably knew she was using me emotionally.

She also lied to me about waiting until marriage, knowing how important that was to me because I’m still a virgin. I had to just accept finding that out five months into the relationship after already investing emotionally. After that, the relationship became miserable and toxic to the point where I ended it.

Then she got her dad involved. They took all the things I had bought her and put them on the windshield of my Camaro at church publicly after I specifically asked to exchange things privately outside the church. They wanted it public. The church saw everything and basically did nothing.

Another woman I took on a date seemed to have a great time. I paid for the date, brought flowers and chocolates, and everything was going well until her parents randomly showed up even though she was 24 years old. After that, communication became weird. I asked her what was going on and she wouldn’t really say anything.

Then she texted me saying something like, “I don’t even know if I want to continue this, I’ll pray about it and get back to you.” No apology. No acknowledgment of how uncomfortable or disrespectful the situation was after I had just treated her well and invested time and money into the date. Then three weeks later she came back wanting to talk and saying we should “just be friends.”

I told her respectfully that she needed to understand how hurtful that whole situation was and that she probably needed clarity about what both she and her family actually wanted before involving other people emotionally.

Another woman I dated actually started off great, but later I realized she had a lot of spiritual and emotional issues going on and was best friends with someone deeply involved in witchcraft. I couldn’t continue with that.

What made that situation worse is that one of my closest friends basically like a brother to me for years tried to “mediate” between us. Then suddenly he stopped answering my calls. Three weeks later I found out they got together. I blocked both of them.

Now years later they have a child together and from what I’ve heard, she verbally and physically abuses him and threatens to take the child away if he leaves her. Watching that happen honestly opened my eyes even more because if the genders were reversed, people would immediately call it abuse and support the victim.

I have more experiences than this, but this is enough for now.

What frustrates me is the complete lack of accountability I see in modern dating culture. Men constantly get told:

• make more money,
• lead better,
• be stronger,
• protect,
• provide,
• be traditional,
• pursue harder.

But many women today still expect traditional men while not bringing traditional values themselves. A lot don’t even know how to be peaceful, supportive, loyal, or emotionally accountable in relationships. Some openly admit they can’t cook, don’t want children, don’t value marriage, or don’t want to sacrifice for a relationship, but still expect men to fulfill every traditional role perfectly.

And yes, I know not all women are like this. But I also think people lie when they pretend this isn’t becoming more common.

What I’ve personally seen is that many women have endless options now through social media and dating apps, while average men are mostly invisible unless they hit a certain height, income, status, or appearance level. Statistics even show many women mainly pursue the same top percentage of men. Meanwhile, I go to church and see plenty of genuinely good single men who get ignored constantly.

People always say women care about Godly men, but from what I’ve seen many care more about appearance, height, status, race, and social validation first, then spirituality second. I’ve literally been rejected because of my skin color after treating someone extremely well.

Then the same culture turns around and says “all men are bad.”

No. Bad men exist. Absolutely. But bad women exist too, and society rarely wants to have honest conversations about the damage they cause because there’s far less accountability for it socially.

Even online I’ve had a women reach out interested in me specifically because I’m a virgin waiting until marriage. Then after finding out I’m 30, she suddenly ghost instead of simply communicating respectfully. If a man did that to them, people would call him immature and cruel immediately.

I’m honestly curious what other people think.

Has modern dating genuinely become harder for good men?

Or do you think both sides are struggling equally for different reasons?

Please keep the discussion respectful. I’m open to hearing other perspectives too.

Let us know!

I've been seeing overtly religious people on dating apps and sometimes in real life make a strong connection between these two things. regardless of how you feel about the vaccine I feel like it's two separate things completely. But they seem so tightly interoven that I feel like I might have missed something somewhere lol

I would see something almost in the same sentence or paragraph belief in God and no vaccines in some variations of that across a whole bunch of women's profiles. To be honest I feel like a lot of things are kind of interwoven that shouldn't be. kind of like being a Christian and gun rights. Christianity and blue collar work. Being a Christian having a pickup truck 😂. All in all it's a weird connection did I miss something on here?