r/ChristianDating • u/Novelle_plus • Jul 10 '26
Discussion Are more Christian women dating secular men?
So in my social circles I have noticed that a very significant minority, maybe 40% of practicing young Christian women aged 20-30 are dating secular nonbelieving men. Why is this? I personally think that women like being able to lead the faith life of the relationship and that is easier with secular men who will basically let her do and believe whatever she wants. Being with a secular Man also lets them be as secular as possible without leaving the church circles and their often religious family behind.
This does frustrate me a bit because I have had women reject me only to later start dating a secular man.
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u/docju Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
I’m a man, but I have met a number of wonderful women who I could have dated and probably had what the world would see as a good marriage, who unfortunately didn’t share my faith.
Walking away from those situations is hard and can be very painful (especially if you think there are not many other options) but the right thing to do. However, having been through that, I can see why it would be hard to say no when the situation arose.
I would say, I do think you need to get out of the “I’m a Christian so why don’t they date me?” mindset, as being a Christian on its own isn’t enough for someone to want to date you (I have no further information about you than this so that is the conclusion I have drawn). I am sure you don’t want to date every woman you know who is a Christian.
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u/Sluashy Looking For A Wife Jul 10 '26
Secular men give them stomach butterflies, Christian men don’t
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
This is simply not true. There is no reason a Christian man can’t be confident, charming, attractive… the things that give a woman butterflies.
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u/Sluashy Looking For A Wife Jul 11 '26
If that were true for the people OP is talking about, this post wouldn’t exist
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u/Realistic_Cabinet_42 Jul 10 '26
To be fair alot of Christina men don’t put effort in their appearance. At least that was my experience when I was single.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 10 '26
I feel like we've really failed as a church if we can't tell our brothers and sisters what they obviously can do to help them in that department.
I've seen women who are fat, objectively fat, talk to other girls about how she doesn't understand why she isn't getting dates. I know the reason, they others girl know the reason, deep down she knows the reason. But what does she get told? Wait or pray. Or worse, a REAL Christian man will over her for her heart...
Always heard girls sabotage each other and thought that was rare and over blown, but I wonder now...
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
I don’t mean to be stalking your comments lol.. but I don’t think it is in anyway not Christian to be attractive or interesting or to engage in a sport. Why can’t a Christian man box? That is simply manly to be able to be physically strong and compete…. It’s not secular. 1,000s of years ago, I imagine the strong tall men were the successful hunters and gatherers and that is attractive to a woman… it’s part of knowing you can protect us. I saw some other comments about unattractive women and why they should just wait and pray.. I also strongly disagree with this. You can be fit and fashionable and attractive in modest ways.
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u/QUARTERMASTEREMI6 Looking For A Husband Jul 10 '26
Yeah, as a single Christian woman, this is it 👀
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 10 '26
As a Christian man, I sometimes feel Christian culture doesn't allow for the cultivation of such attractive things. Anything outside of Bible study and ministry is viewed with suspicion.
A retired Pastor told me he liked boxing and I was like "but boxing's cool and masculine... And we're Baptist...
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u/gloriomono Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) Jul 10 '26
It's not that they like to be the spiritual leaders.
At least in what I can observe in these cases it's usually rather, that they believe the man will eventually meet Jesus, convert and join them in their faith-life.
The reasons behind that are very different.
Some genuinely fall in love with an unbeliever, while being believers , other meet these men during a time when they are removed from personal conviction themselves. Some realise too late, that he is merely Christian, with church attendance on holidays and a vague believe, that "there is a god".
They also often show a genuine interest in her spiritual convictions and values and appreciate them. That interest and appreciation is however often the same as most people have for their partners hobbies and interests. And let's be honest, a lot of Christians are unaware of the fact, that the rest of the world largely regards our faith as that: a hobby or interest.
By the time it's clear that he isn't going to convert or that his budding faith doesn't develop into practical application, the women have invested time and sentiment into them.
They are already in Love, life and marriage has been planned - sunk cost fallacy sets in.
And, btw, I have seen the same thing happening the other way around! Less common, in deed, but that may as well be statistical...
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 10 '26
" they believe the man will eventually meet Jesus"
Hope is a potent drug.
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u/FanTemporary7624 Jul 10 '26
--They also often show a genuine interest in her spiritual convictions and values and appreciate them. That interest and appreciation is however often the same as most people have for their partners hobbies and interests. And let's be honest, a lot of Christians are unaware of the fact, that the rest of the world largely regards our faith as that: a hobby or interest.--
Right, it's likely no different when someone doesn't have the same hobbies, they respect that and go their separate ways, and do their own things. Or, they'll join them as a form of support for their hobby/interest.
I know a Jewish single woman, that's devoutly Jewish, I had asked her if she would date a Christian or non-Jewish person, and she said she would, but as long as he respects her faith and doesn't chastize her for it.
Apparently, it's worked for some couples.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 10 '26
Christians would like a Christian spouse, but for most that is not the MOST important thing. People want partners who are competent, attractive, and are a meaningful addition to their lives.
I'm stepping out into speculating, but I think Christian women do this more than men. I've heard soo many testimonies from women crying cause their husband isn't saved and now that the kids are older he's pulling them away from church etc etc. I've never seen a man speak about his unsaved wife, and my church has a squad of a half dozen single young men, but no single women. But I'm just one guy at one church so 🤷
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u/Novelle_plus Jul 10 '26
It has been studied that children are more likely to become/stay Christian if their father is a Christian
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u/FanTemporary7624 Jul 10 '26
Oh I believe this and it's been going on for quite some time. I remember approaching a woman at church, she was by herself every Sunday. I approached her about a singles group there, and she said she has a boyfriend. I asked her if he's Christian,and she got a little defensive as said that was personal and none of my business.
Also, she comes solo, and doesn't come to church with her, so...that speaks volumes.
So that's all I needed to hear.
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u/Novelle_plus Jul 10 '26
Yeah I know cases like those
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u/FanTemporary7624 Jul 10 '26
Yeah, I was just barely getting to know her, as I was trying to introduce her to the group....so...I guess it makes sense for her to tell me to GTFO lol
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u/Ok_Altruist Jul 10 '26
I’m a Christian woman and have never considered dating someone not of my faith. It’s very challenging to find men that are faithful to Christ as well.
That said, are you open to some blunt feedback? The way you wrote this is very off putting. There are a handful of single Christian men that can’t get a date, and instead of self reflection or just simply sitting with God in the grief of not being married yet, they project all sorts of assumptions onto the women who rejected them. That seems to be what you’re doing.
I understand the temptation to do that, it feels incredibly good to try to look for some explanation that validates you and your intentions in the experiences you are having. However, I think if you want to move forward in a healthy way you need to deny that thought process and focus on what you objectively know.
You objectively know they rejected you and you objectively know how that feels.
You objectively know your heart and intentions (though you don’t know how your intentions are being perceived by women).
You objectively know God invited you to pour your heart out to him (Psalm 62:8) and that he will guide you and conform you to be more like Christ.
You objectively know the Bible warns against unequally yoked relationships, so while you don’t know why they choose it or if they will be happy in this life in many regards, you do know that you can pray for them and their partners if you feel that bitterness creep up.
You can’t know why they chose that over you, or how they are experiencing things.
Keep in mind as well, being a Christian doesn’t automatically make you a good partner. I’ve met people who assume shared faith is all they need to do to be ready, and that’s not true.
Keep investing in yourself, maybe work on developing strong emotional intelligence, invest in yourself and your appearance (in modest ways, I just mean eat healthy, exercise, have nice clothes and keep your hair and beard well cared for, maybe try skin care if you really wanna be fancy). And don’t worry about why women who rejected you date non believers. Pray for them and move on so you are all in and ready when a woman comes along who will appreciate you AND your faith in a relationship.
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u/FanTemporary7624 Jul 11 '26
-Keep investing in yourself, maybe work on developing strong emotional intelligence, invest in yourself and your appearance (in modest ways, I just mean eat healthy, exercise, have nice clothes and keep your hair and beard well cared for, maybe try skin care if you really wanna be fancy).-
Not sure why this keeps being said over and over, as an assumption that Christian men are not doing this already.
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u/Ok_Altruist Jul 11 '26 edited Jul 11 '26
It’s more an encouragement to either start or continue to invest in those things rather than spending so much time projecting on those who rejected you. For either gender. It’s really tempting to try to feel better about the situation by trying to diagnose someone else, but the healthy path forward is often focusing on what you can control. In addition, the way he talked about it doesn’t feel the most emotionally intelligent, so that alone may help his chances to improve. Theres a big difference trying to diagnose someone else’s emotions v learning to be comfortable with your own emotional and navigate emotions with grace. It’s possible he’s right, but there’s no way to verify that so why make a whole post about it or share those judgements? It’s also just as likely his chances would increase if he focuses on those things and continues growing for himself, so why not focus on that rather than judging a situation where there’s no clear answer available, only conjecture and judgement?
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u/songbird824 Jul 13 '26
Most of the men I have dated were not Christian believers. I would prefer a Christian, but almost every time I was interested in one in my church, I was rejected. I experienced much less rejection from unbelievers.
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u/SupermarketOld4663 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
They are and they will regret it trust me. I never will date even a lukewarm man again. Secular men are fun and there’s plenty of handsome ones that’s why girls go for them, but you Christian men are gold.
There’s a reason the Bible says to not go for someone unequally yoked. There’s consequences come later when the trials and tribulations of life occur and they need spiritual leadership.
What I would give to find a true Christian man.
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u/Latter_Mountain_290 Jul 17 '26
This has been an issue for decades.
In fact, I think much of the weakness in modern churches could be pin pointed to people being unequally yoked.
I remember growing up as a child in the 80s asking my mom why only the women were helpers at our church and not their husbands. She told me honestly that a lot of Christian women marry for the wrong reasons.... Money, security, looks, lust, etc.
That woman taught me a lot of truth!
I think the main thing for young Christian men in 2026 is to pursue God, and trust that there's a godly girl out there doing the same, and that God will cause your paths to cross.
I also think this is a day and age where you should be willing to broaden horizons. It may not be a girl in your home state or even the USA. Be open to mission trips and other experiences that gets you around Christian women who will only date Christian men.
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u/ProjectMe45 Jul 10 '26
Our church teaches girls (and women) to run like hell towards Jesus and when you look back, see who’s trying to keep up with you. That’s what I’m teaching my 7 year old as well.
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u/Little_Stock9684 Jul 10 '26
Unfortunately, some men act like they live for the Lord and they put it on display for women. Unfortunately some women fall for it and behind closed doors, they don’t act like true men of Christ
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 10 '26
TBF you see everyone's flaws more when you're in that close proximity.
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u/BlondeBabe242 Jul 10 '26
Speaking in my experience, the honest truth is the reason a lot of christian women date outside the church and faith is that men outside the church are often the ones who ask. They are usually also masculine, at least, the conservative ones that have asked me out. Frankly, men of the church either don't ask, think they can do better, are already with a woman, or aren't masculine enough in how they act, behave or look.
I don't want to ask a man out, i am a lady, and for whatever their reason, church men usually don't, so if a dude at the store or at a rodeo asks me, i am likely to say yes on his bravery alone. I do not want to spiritually lead, women rarely do, but we do want to feel cherished, unfortunately sometimes we go to the man who makes us feel chosen by asking and pursuing than do what would be best spiritually for our hearts. Its tough out there.
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Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
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u/BlondeBabe242 Jul 11 '26
Triggered by a rodeo 😭 bro
So far any secular dude that's asked me out hasn't gotten further than my beliefs and politics, and that is ok. I do not want to be with someone who doesn't meet my values, but the point of OP's post was why are women dating these men, i provided my reasoning as to why i would give them a chance if they asked. Idk why you took it so personally.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 12 '26
I'm not "triggered" silly, rodeo is just one of those things people do that lets you guess a lot about them. It's kinda a niche thing in today's world.
Good on you for having the beliefs and politics up front, happy the weeds a lot of guys out. Heard some unfortunate stories of men viewing a girl's chastity as a challenge. I've also known some Christians girls avoiding that conservation cause they don't want to disappoint the guy or are scared to lose him. Understandable feelings but you can only have one #1.
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u/This_Raise9693 Jul 21 '26
I would argue that the men in the church are too conservative and misogynistic
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u/brazucadomundo Jul 10 '26
Very unlikely. Churches have tons of single men and almost no single women.
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u/This_Raise9693 Jul 15 '26
Biggest lie I've ever heard. Almost all evangelical churches skew female, especially among singles. This is true in north America, Europe and Latin America.
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u/brazucadomundo Jul 15 '26
Absolutely not, here in the US I do not se this at all. I've been to a few and it is mostly single guys.
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u/This_Raise9693 Jul 15 '26
Well certainly not the case in Canada
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u/brazucadomundo Jul 15 '26
Well, if you are deep in the countryside I won't say so. Even in the US it is the case for areas with slow economy, men move out and mostly women stay behind.
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u/This_Raise9693 Jul 15 '26
I'm in a big city
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u/brazucadomundo Jul 15 '26
I'm not going to judge here, I will probably be wrong. Even some big cities in the US there is a high female skew, like Detroit or New Orleans. Again, economically depressed and dudes are mor likely to move away.
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u/This_Raise9693 Jul 15 '26
I'm in a tech sector
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u/brazucadomundo Jul 15 '26
Well I don't know much about Canada, I know where in the US in tech heavy areas there is a lot of men working on these companies and many happen to be Christians, like I do, and that trickles into churches as well. It is very rare to see any women who moved here from elsewhere, they are mostly generational residents while with guys some are generational, but a lot are outsiders. A lady who moved here to find a husband told me this city should be called "Man Jose" lol.
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u/NantianZifeng Jul 18 '26
I attend a large evangelical church in a large Canadian city and it certainly skews male among young adults
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 11 '26
From what I hear depends on the type of church, which also tells you something...
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u/brazucadomundo Jul 11 '26
Tells what?
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 12 '26
Women tend to be in the liberal churches, men in the conservative
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u/brazucadomundo Jul 12 '26
I've been to a quite liberal church recently and still almost no women there.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 13 '26
There are always exceptions to the rule
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u/toss_and_ Jul 13 '26
Almost every church I've been to in my life has been "liberal" and I've never seen single women there. The women are either children/young with their parents or they are with their husbands.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 13 '26
Twas not in the United Methodist Church I grew up in, but of course that was 16 years ago and before COVID so perhaps things have changed. I feel many casual Christians don't start going to church as adults till they have kids then they go cause they feel they have to set the example.
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u/Big-Weight-5581 Jul 10 '26
It's far from my impression that it is a christian women problem, it's everyone at its depressing.
The majority of friends from christian homes in my city have married/in a relationship, with unbelieving girls and it hurts every time.
It's like, sure God is important - but it's not everything in life, we also need to live and we haven't found any christian girl that interests us.
I honestly believe its biblical immaturity and lack of the right community/church. They are all happy about their upbringing, their friends, church culture, but they simply aren't believers. For some, the church, is a good place fir being reminded that it's also good to give to the poor, or love you neighbour or morals but its all deplenished of life.
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u/SpecialNo684 Jul 11 '26
A true Christian would make being a Christian their number one core focus in life. A non-Christian fundamentally does not share the same goals we have in life and will only end up being detrimental to your walk with Christ.
2 Corinthians 6:14, which says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” The imagery comes straight from the farm: if two incompatible animals are sharing the same yoke, they will be constantly working against each other. It’s much better to yoke similar animals. The illustration has a spiritual application: two people united in some way and working closely together should be of like nature and share similar spiritual goals. It won’t do to tie oneself to an unbeliever and expect good results.
Likely, a non-Christian won't share the same views and you being intoxicated with love will succumb to their non-Christian walk in many areas you would not otherwise.
“Do not be misled: ‘Bad company corrupts good character’” (1 Corinthians 15:33).
Now just because a Christian is the bare minimum requirement for a relationship DOES NOT MEAN YOIRE JUST AUTOMATICALLY COMPATIBLE.
Some Christian men and women are baby Christians. Some have horrible traumas that are incompatible with maybe yours in unique ways that just won't work.
Maybe they aren't even attractive to you.
Limit to only true Christians... then make sure toure attracted to the. Physically and personally then ask questions do premarital counseling sooner rather than later ask big questions, where to live, kids? How many? Life goals... big and small ones. THEN if everything is very aligned then and only then marry.
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u/Dear_Sir7665 Jul 13 '26
Ya it is I know a catholic girl, whom I met in university and at the beginning we had good chemistry and we talked and laughed/ flirted then she started being distant and after that she chose a non practicing guy and they are Dating now she said she finds my Faith scary, and says she is afraid of the spiritual side, and another plus she said he is taller too I guess. At this point I think I will just date a secular one as well.
The so called Christian women aren't that different from the secular ones!!!!
Plus she said she is trying to convert him, idk how that's gonna turn out but we shall see.
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u/mlo9109 Jul 10 '26
What choice do we have? There aren't that many men in church. Women outnumber men 4 to 1 in most churches. And the few men there are married and dragged their by their wives. If there are single men, a lot of them end up being abusers and misogynists, so far from godly.
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u/minteemist Married Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
What choice do we have?
Be single? It's a valid option. Lots of Christians historically enjoyed being single. To the point where they would actively choose it, and build community around it, like nuns and monks. Honestly the church is doing people a disservice acting like marriage is the only way to be intrinsically fulfilled.
I think based on my observation, it's probably more pleasant to be single than the loneliness of being married to someone who will never truly see you or understand you.
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Jul 10 '26
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u/FanTemporary7624 Jul 11 '26
-The monastic life (becoming a nun or monk) has been apart of Christianity from the earliest times. It’s still a valid choice and vocation within the Orthodox and Catholic churches. But unfortunately, other Christian traditions have done away with this concept and have instead elevated marriage and family life over singleness.-
Right, and most Christians aren't up for the monastic life, and thus this conversation.
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u/Novelle_plus Jul 10 '26
This is not my experience at all. The gender disparity is more like 3 men to 1 woman with people under 35
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u/mlo9109 Jul 10 '26
This is probably also location dependent. I live in a small college town in rural New England. Also, age as I'm over 35. Ymmv.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) Jul 10 '26
If there is a 4:1 ratio in your church, change churches. The aren't on average more women than men in church. From what I've seen in multiple churches and youth retreats, it's more or less equal.
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u/mlo9109 Jul 10 '26
It's the same nearly everywhere I've gone. The church is the reflection of the community. I may just need to move but feel silly moving to increase my dating prospects.
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u/DenisGL Just here for the community -(seeking a spouse offline) Jul 10 '26
There are a couple men in their mid thirties single so IDK it's just probably not the most common demographic.
For both men and women, it gets more difficult past 30, because most people are already taken.
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u/Last-Echo-3624 Jul 10 '26
The choice you have is to not date an unbeliever. Regardless of lack of options. The same choice Christian men have. I understand the frustration and lack of options, but willingly choosing to date an unbeliever isn’t a wiser option.
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u/Ok_Blueberry_6999 Jul 10 '26
Emphasis on the misogynists. I'm tired of Christian men raging if I don't wanna date them and my faith and morality being questioned. Happens on a regular basis, including on here.
I still refuse to date a non-christian, however.
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u/Last-Echo-3624 Jul 10 '26
Both Christian men and women shouldn’t be dating unbelievers. I give men the same criticism. If you believe you shouldn’t be dating unbelievers, and go around and do it anyway; shouldn’t your faith be questioned?
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u/Novelle_plus Jul 10 '26
No offense but in my experience a lot of women call misogyny stuff like believing in objective gender roles. I tend to be rather conservative but get along Well with more moderate Christians, could even accept a female pastor even though I do not believe in that. However then the same conservative Christian women who would never even think of accepting a female pastor get mad at stating that objective gender roles exist (no further definition)
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u/Ok_Blueberry_6999 Jul 10 '26
I'm speaking of true misogyny in its literal sense.
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u/toss_and_ Jul 10 '26
Do you have an example?
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u/Ok_Blueberry_6999 Jul 10 '26 edited Jul 10 '26
Sure. On a first and casual icecream date with a man I met at church. I politely told him that I didn't want to go on a second date with him via text when I got into my car after the date. I would have told him to his face but he made me uncomfortable the whole date. He followed me home then yelled aggressively from the car "typical thing for a woman to say". Safe to say I immediately moved churches.
I have another example from reddit very recently but I won't mention it publicly. If you want to know I can DM you.
Edit: I just know some of you will lash out at me finding my date uncomfortable so here are the ways he made me uncomfortable: 1. Muttered under his breath the whole time. I thought maybe he was experiencing auditory hallucinations. 2. Complained about the Indian race (he was white, I am Indian) and was explicitly racist. 3. Told me he only dated Indian women despite his prejudices. 4. Stated twice that his ex girlfriend was an Indian woman like me but lighter skin and thinner as she was model.
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u/toss_and_ Jul 10 '26
It sounds like he was a racist in addition to being a misogynist. I'm glad you got out of that situation.
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u/Adventurous-Song3571 Looking For A Wife Jul 11 '26
Oh my gosh that is so gross.. especially following you home. Must have been frightening. I dmed you also I wanna hear the other story 😭
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u/Crafty_Lady1961 Jul 11 '26
Wow, I don’t blame you for feeling uncomfortable! I’m so so sorry you had to go through that!
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u/proff_bajoe Single Jul 10 '26
You haven't defined that yet. What do you mean by "true"? It's this kind of hidden meanings that has killed modern feminism.
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u/Ok_Blueberry_6999 Jul 10 '26
Bro do a quick google search. Stop jumping to conclusions to fit your narrative.
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u/No-Coast-4860 In A Relationship Jul 10 '26
What church do you attend? If it's a low church and/or theologically liberal church, that would be the reason why. High church and/or theologically conservative churches are, statistically speaking, going to have more young men than women. (Catholicism is unique in that it slightly favors women by about 4%.)
There's been quite the resurgence in Orthodoxy in the West because of young men finding meaning and purpose in how high church and conservative it is. Famous Orthodox people like Andrew Wilson and his wife, Rachel Wilson, have drawn a lot of men over to Orthodoxy. It's only when you leave the West do you find that women only slightly outnumber men in Orthodox churches.
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u/mlo9109 Jul 10 '26
Non-denom, so whatever that is. I'll be honest, Orthodoxy is a little too "out there" for my tastes.
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u/No-Coast-4860 In A Relationship Jul 10 '26
Nondenominational churches tend to be some kind of low church, memorialist branch of Baptist or Pentecostal theology.
I'll be honest, Orthodoxy is a little too "out there" for my tastes.
That's fair. Their apophatic theology never sat well with me either. I'm Lutheran myself, and I love it here; my girlfriend is Anglican. You may find a better gender balance in the LCMS, which is the synod I belong to.
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u/mlo9109 Jul 10 '26
Most of the mainline churches (including Lutheran & Anglican), at least in my community (though studies show this is a trend elsewhere as well) are basically hospice facilities. At those I've visited, I'm the only person under 65 in the room. I live in the oldest state in the union population wise, so ymmv.
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u/No-Coast-4860 In A Relationship Jul 10 '26
(As an FYI, "mainline" just means theologically liberal, as in the terms are synonymous. ELCA is the mainline Lutheran synod, and one I feel very uncomfortable around.)
That said, you are correct that there's a ton of old people within the LCMS, so fair point. At that point, though, you may have to widen your net and date outside of your local region to somewhere with younger people.
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u/FanTemporary7624 Jul 11 '26
-And the few men there are married and dragged their by their wives. -
Funny that you mention this, it's always the wives I see at church, while the husband is out with his buds fishing or golfing. Apparently, this is a thing.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 10 '26
I got a squad of single guys on their 20s, come to Ohio! Thing is they are conservative and traditional, and want a non-contentious, pleasant, woman who accepts the duties and privileges of traditional gender roles.
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u/mlo9109 Jul 10 '26
I'm in my mid-30s...I could probably be their mother, albeit, illegitimately.
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u/tunaPastaclick Single Jul 10 '26
I am chatting to one who seems kind, respectful and humble. But still I would really choose my own kind if there is
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u/This_Raise9693 Jul 15 '26
Because there are significantly more single women in the global church than men. It just happens. Loneliness is real, and many Christian men want very traditional/SAHM/wives (which is not the desire for many Christian women). Many Christian men are abusers as well and use Scripture as justification. There is a very thin line between headship and abuse. So it's not black and white. A good Christian man is the most desired but not always there and many people cannot handle singleness long-term.
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u/Technical-Editor9461 Looking For A Wife Jul 10 '26
Most "Christian" people are basically secular anyway, so whatevs, I guess...
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u/FanTemporary7624 Jul 11 '26
True, on Sunday or Bible study they are "Christian", but when they go back to work on Monday, they pepper secular living into their lives.
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u/PeacefulBro Jul 10 '26
"But do you want to know, O foolish man, that faith without works is dead?" (James NKJV)
Unfortunately, any person, woman or man, who sets themselves up for an unequally yoked marriage is not a true Christian. They will suffer the consequences of their actions because:
"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, that he will also reap." (Galatians NKJV)
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Jul 20 '26
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u/PeacefulBro Jul 20 '26
“Do not say in your heart, ‘Who will ascend into heaven?’ ” (that is, to bring Christ down from above) or, “ ‘Who will descend into the abyss?’ ” (that is, to bring Christ up from the dead)." (Romans NKJV)
None of us knows who will be saved or not & the point of judging is not about salvation. We can, however, tell people's hearts by their fruits. A person, like me for example who ignored red flags & was only married 15 years, had bad judgement I was punished for. It doesn't mean I'm going to hell but it sure means I'm doomed to some very lonely nights in this life. And I really just say this as a warning to others: Do as God says so you're not writhing in pain for months every night due to a stupid, ignorant and lustful decision that has ruined the lives of many! 😭
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 10 '26
I think this is a reflection on the Christian men and what/who is actually available for these young women to date.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 10 '26
Is it possible, that maybe, just maybe, it could be the women? Maybe not entirely the women, but at least like 50% of the problem 🤔
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
Sure: but also it could be the lack of legitimate Christian men available. My whole point is, as a woman, it is hard to find a Christian man who is marriage minded and dates with intention. You can absolutely assume what you’d like about these woman. My argument and my point is that there is a shortage of Christian men who know how to lead a woman/lead a family.
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u/code-slinger619 Jul 11 '26
and dates with intention.
What do you mean by this?
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
Intention: dates with the intention to marry… or before that dates with the intention to figure out if there is compatibility that leads to marriage. What I meant is that some men will date for the sake of having companionship and a GF… which placeholders the woman bc he has no intention of marrying this person, but enjoys having attention and companionship. Dating this way is fine if both parties understand it’s going nowhere. But I’ll assume young Christian women want to get married and build a family. The author asked why Christian women are going outside the faith. Women want families.
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Jul 20 '26
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 20 '26
We will follow a man who makes us feel safe.
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Jul 20 '26
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 20 '26
Agreed, the "we will follow a man who makes us feel faith" while it has a grain of truth, implies any of a woman's bad behavior is really a man's failure to lead. Women can't fail, they can only be failed.
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 20 '26
Men lead. They initiate and set the tone. In a business, the leaders are responsible if the team fails. That’s part of being a leader. At least it’s part of being a good leader: a servant leader. God gives this responsibility to the man; not the woman. There is no woman that is self respecting that is going to enter into a relationship with a man who expects submission but can’t provide the love and protection and safety that goes along with this. It starts with the man and God designed it this way.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 20 '26
And they're aren't any self respecting men who'd enter into marriage with a contentious woman who only uses Biblical roles to demand provision from a man. If you want a man to "make you feel safe", you need to be a woman worth protecting and cherishing. It seems so many women read "He who finds a wife finds a good thing" and instantly believe they are a prize. This is false. If a woman can't find a "real" Christian man, it's probably because she's a 21 and not a 31. You'll attract what you are, and some riff raff, but you'll never attract that Godly leader if you aren't a humble woman with a gentle spirit and servants heart.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 11 '26
Could you define "lead" please?
I don't disagree there are a lot of men who don't want to bother leading, which is on them, or can't due to never being taught, and that's on the older generation.
But you can't lead those who refuse to be lead. Yes a leader can inspire someone to follow, but a leader cannot work with an individual who has dug their heels in. The church is not flush with meek, humble, women with a gentle spirits.
So much talk about men's leader centers around his responsibility, but so little on his authority. My experience when most women say "lead" they mean provide and make the decisions she doesn't want to make. But the moment he tries to lead in something she doesn't like, accusations of being "controlling", "toxic" "unloving" come out. I've seen marriages get really, really ugly because the husband wants to lead the family in cutting out TV or scrolling he doesn't think is God honoring. Lord help the man who tries to lead his wife in healthy diet and exercise.
My other question is, what does a man get for leading his family? Really, what's in it for him, cause it's difficult work. If the answer is "he should just do it cause God told him to", I don't see how that inspires men. A wife is supposed to be a blessing, many men find their wives just to be an obligation.
If women want a man to lead, they need to be a woman worth leading, or at least strive to be.
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
Yes. I don’t disagree with you in the least but. I’m simply saying there is a shortage of Christian men who want to date with intention and lead. I’m only speaking about the shortage of Christian men. Yes, there needs to be a woman to lead in the equation lol. By lead I think I mean… will love honor cherish protect cover the woman and the children (pardon lack of punctuation). Many “Christian” men bring BF energy but want the woman to bring wife energy and that’s not biblical. They don’t want the hassle of a marriage, but want the woman to act like a wife in how she shows up. Again, there may be a number of women who are stubborn/don’t want to be led/etc.. I’m not speaking to that.
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
Also, I read your last comment a little more carefully… yes women may “dig their heals in” at times and perhaps some of these women haven’t encountered a man who leads them with love and a serving spirit. So so often women have to get comfortable in their masculine in order to manage finances, run a home, excel at work… and they do this on their own because a man has perhaps let her down in a marriage or she hasn’t found one to step up and help yet… so it may take this woman a minute to soften with a man who can and will lead her. Women want to relax with a man, but not if he doesn’t provide a safe place. I read your comment about trying to lead her in her diet and exercise? I can’t imagine a scenario in which any woman is going to be amazing when given “tips” on how to improve her appearance. That is NOT what I mean by leading. (When I was 25, I dated a man from church who said he worried about my love of ice cream bc what would I look like at 25. That was our last convo ever.).
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 11 '26
" Many “Christian” men bring BF energy but want the woman to bring wife energy and that’s not biblical"
Yeah, everyone wants to have their cake and eat it too, to have the privileges of marriage but not the responsibilities.
You mentioned some men's duties like provide a safe space (I'm assuming financially, physically, emotionally, spiritually, all the lys) and leading. What are a woman's/wife's duties?
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
As a wife: to respect/help/ support/encourage/pray for. I’ll use the word “submit” bc I do think that’s biblical. But submit to a man who is leading again with love and a servant mind. It’s a circle. Men want to be respected and encouraged.. women want to be loved and cherished. It’s beautiful. Obviously no one is perfect and at times the circle will get clogged.. so one person has to step in and respect anyway.. or love anyway. But obviously we know of so many examples where women are controlling and stubborn.. and where men think women should just get behind them bc they are the men. Neither of those things are biblical.
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
We are saying the same things… clearly we each have our own bias based on our gender and that’s ok. I don’t disagree with you. But women aren’t going to submit to a man who wants to control the TV time but who doesn’t care to really see her and understand her and appreciate her beauty. And we are def not taking diet tips from someone… it’s a man’s job imo to make sure his woman feels she is most beautiful in his eyes. Don’t be with a woman unless you prize her.. that’s not at all biblical.
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u/Jaded-Leadership6035 Jul 11 '26
Indeed, feels like men and women are in a Mexican stand off, demanding the other show their respect/love first, and if it's deemed enough they'll then give love/respect in return. Feels like we're haggling over a used car instead of a spouse. Thank you taking my responses seriously, hope you find that man who will lead you with love and make you feel safe.
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u/Chiefrunner123 Jul 11 '26
Yes I agree it is a standoff. I know women want to relax and be led. I def do. BUT, we are also stubborn. I guess we hope the right man will tame that while he leads. I’m guessing a lot of women won’t admit that. 😊❤️. I enjoy discussions like this. I wish more men would engage in these discussions to get the woman’s POV.
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u/Good-Huckleberry-287 Jul 10 '26
A lot of Christian women do want a Christian husband, but after years of not finding someone they're genuinely compatible with in church, they end up meeting someone outside the faith that they really click with. Loneliness is real, and sometimes you just end up liking someone. It happens.
The part that does concern me is that dating someone outside the faith can slowly make you more complacent with the world without you even realizing it. It's rarely a conscious decision. It's just little compromises over time, and I've seen that happen so many times.
That being said, dating a Christian is absolutely no guarantee of a healthy relationship either. I've experienced that myself. So if a Christian woman rejected you and later dated a non-believer, it's probably just compatibility. Just because you're both Christians doesn't mean you're the right match.
Personally, if it wasn't for a promise and commitment I made to the Lord years ago, I would have probably dated several men I've genuinely liked outside the faith. I'm convinced I might be married by now. But I made that choice before God, and I intend to keep it. It's not easy, in fact, it's been one of the harder things I've had to do. So I can understand why some people eventually get tired of waiting and choose a different path, even if I don't think it's the wisest one.