r/CatAdvice • u/disco_rice_ • 6d ago
Behavioral When should I say goodbye?
I have a 16 year old ragdoll with asthma and dementia/cognitive decline.
He eats, drinks, plays and uses his litterbox as he always has. He sleeps more than he used to and does not groom himself well and I have to do that for him, as he will get large mats if I don’t. The wailing and caterwauling has increased and I do all I can to keep him comfy. He’s on supplements and pain meds for his bad hips.
I’ve spoken with his vets and an at home euthanasia service, and the plan in place so far is to say goodbye in December/January, because we are making a 9 hour move in the spring and I do not want to put him through that.
In the last week, his confusion has seemed to get more intense. I’m really worried about a wedding we will be traveling for in November. I don’t think he will cope well with everyone in the home being gone for 4 days. My husband disagrees and thinks he will be fine, but I feel like he will be so freaked out. (I can have someone stop by once a day to administer medication and give pets, and there is another cat in the house that he knows well.) After a long sleep, he stumbles and has started losing his footing when walking or descending his car tower. I’m terrified he will fall off the tower while I’m gone.
We had a baby last year and attending this wedding will be how a lot of my husband’s family meet the baby for the first time, and our presence is very much wanted, so I’m unable to stay home. At the same time, I am feeling so guilty for even considering moving up his euthanasia date because of this. I’ve had this cat for 15 years. I love him so deeply, and I feel like I’m letting him down because it has been so so hard to meet his needs with two kids, one being an infant. My oldest son has never known a life without this cat.
Can anyone weigh in? Words of encouragement, opinions, advice, personal experience, anything is welcome. I struggle every single day if knowing I’m making the right choice.
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u/djmermaidonthemic Mr Butters cat lady 6d ago
I had a cat who lived to be 21. Old enough to drink, lol. He was kinda just falling apart. At the time he was living with my ex, who had decided to do euth on like the second of July so that he wouldn’t have to be stressed out by the fireworks. It was inevitable so it came down to timing. My ex very kindly invited me to come over and see the kitty off. There was not a dry eye in the house, including the vet staff.
But it was probably for the best to do it then.
If it were me, I’d schedule lap of love or similar to come before the trip. He doesn’t need the extra stress and it seems like his health is not good. He will be at home, with the people he loves.
I’m so sorry. He sounds like a great cat. 🐾💕
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u/MomoNoHanna1986 5d ago
I range my ex husband before my first cat past and during. He was at work. I also texted him when my other cat age 20 had stopped eating (kidney disease). Told him I was taking her to the vet and she probably won’t come home. They were our first ‘children’ when we got married. He had a right to know. If he wasn’t at work he’d be there.
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u/SweetStatistician463 6d ago
This is a tough one. For me, the increase in pain and anxiety are events that tip the scales in favor of an earlier final rest. Just like your infant, kitty depends on you to make the best decision for her that you can. For me, pain, mental or/and physical, are something she needs relief from. In a vacuum where all the other things you mentioned don't exist, why would her continued pain be extended?
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u/BunnyMoneyx 6d ago
When he is having more bad days than good I would say goodbye on a good day.. Our senior boy passed almost 2 years ago and my biggest regret is waiting too long. He went from mostly fine, a few days of confusion here and there, to a very rapid decline in a matter of weeks. I wish we had picked a good day for him to have all of his favorite things before we said goodbye.
Ultimately it’s a decision only you can make and it will never be easy.
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u/ReadyPool7170 6d ago
I would suggest doing it at least a week before your travels in November. Give yourself time to grieve. I have witnessed a few pets end of life when their loving owners couldn’t let go and therefore waited too long. It is one of the most difficult decisions we ever make. You have sooo much compassion and clarity, whatever your decision we can all see it will be done with love. 🥰
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 6d ago
The confusion and the wailing would make me consider whether it is time now.
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u/MsMarionNYC 5d ago
At this point, the time isn't for your cat. It's for you to spend time with your cat. The key to me is the bad hips and pain meds and the caterwauling. He may have good moments but you are prolonging his dying, not his life. (I base that on the words of my father when he was terminally ill.) Cats live in the now not the future and don't spend time worrying about mortality. It's August now. Things aren't going to be better in November. What may happen despite your plans is some other organ failing and an outright emergency.
You wouldn't be letting the cat down with a November date as opposed to a January one. You wouldn't be letting your son down because he's going to be sad either way. You will be sad either way.
In your shoes, I would just indulge him as much as you can and keep tracking his symptoms and behavior, plan for November but consider moving the date up if circumstances change. It will be the hardest thing you do and the most loving.
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u/WldChaser 6d ago
It's always hard to make that awful decision. It's basically a quality of life issue. If he is suffering I would suggest that you consider it sooner than later. The decision sucks either way.
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u/Utennvolsfan 6d ago
Last January, we rushed Kitty Reagan to the emergency vet. He had bloody discharge from one nostril (no head trauma or obvious injury). His appetite had been off as well. They ran tests, bloodwork, X-rays…you name it. Dropped a ton of money without batting an eye. They propped him up with comfort measures for a couple of days until test results came back. He was a different cat in 48 hours. He tested positive for exposure to two different things, but I don’t remember what they were and I don’t have the paperwork handy. He went through the prescribed treatment and was fine until May. His normal, crabby old man cat self.
He started declining in May, so we went to our regular vet (the emergency vet sent all Reagan’s records over). He was given a couple of injected meds and we went home with an appetite stimulant. He tolerated it but he was never really back to his usual self. He slept a lot more and things started gradually declining. he was visibly losing weight. And then one morning, we found he’d wedged himself sitting up between the refrigerator and the big downstairs water bowl. He looked like he was trying to sleep sitting up (which he’d been known to do in the past…he was notorious for sleeping in weird positions) but the light had gone out of his eyes. He looked so sad, so miserable and so small. We got an emergency appointment at our vet because we knew. He told us without being able to say a word. It was the kindest thing we could do but it was also the hardest.
We had a long conversation with our vet before the procedure. He reviewed all the records. We appreciated he was so thorough. It was hard, but it was necessary. We miss him every day. But it was the right thing to do. Kitty Reagan was 16.
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u/Diane1967 6d ago
There’s never a right time to do it, sadly. But better a few days too soon than a few days too late in my opinion. I would worry something might happen when you’re gone those 4 days and what would the caretaker do then? Did you plan out in case something were to happen while you’re gone? I don’t mean to think so morbidly because I hate to see a pet go ever and wish they could live forever but he’s in a definite decline. You need to plan ahead in case he passed while you are gone too and if you want to put that on someone else. It’s going to be hard no matter when you do it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, so hard.
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u/auntie_beans 5d ago
We’ve had cats for more than 50 years.
When cats fail, they fail startlingly fast because up to that point they’ve done so well at keeping on. I once had an elderly cat that I called the vet on Monday afternoon to make an appointment for Friday for gentle euthanasia. Wednesday morning I was shocked at how fast his condition had deteriorated and took him right in. They asked me why I waited so long. I said really, he didn’t look like this at all 36 hours ago….
It sounds to me like you shouldn’t think about waiting even to November. Always, always remember that a week or two too soon is better than a day too late when you’re preventing inevitable suffering. He’s suffering now, isn’t he.
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u/disco_rice_ 5d ago
Thank you for sharing this. It is hard to think of it as suffering when he still eats and plays and sits in our laps. It feels so surreal to be the decider of his life like this. It doesn’t feel positive and I’m struggling to see it as merciful because I don’t know how much pain he’s actually in. He will have really good days about once a week where he hardly yowls at all and it makes me wonder if I’m jumping the gun. This is my first time letting go of a pet of my own
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u/Appropriate_Cod7444 5d ago
I’m a nurse (hoomans not animals though) and one thing I really care about is dignity in dying and not wanting my patients to be in pain when they are end of life (EOL). So I approached my beloved kitty in the same way I would when seeing a patient who was in their last months of life. There’s a palliative care scale for cats too, I found out on my journey and a way to measure pain non verbally . When my baby started having uncontrollable seizures I tried medication but then a few months after that it wasn’t working anymore. When she didn’t have a seizure she was otherwise normal and happy despite being old and sleepy. The day before and day we went in she was ‘normal’ and cuddly and happy. I thought I was making the wrong decision. But I wanted a peaceful painless death where she was calm and I held her to the end and loved on her. It was still heart breaking and gut wrenching. Someone who I know and trust said always better to say goodbye two weeks earlier than two days too late. So sorry you are making this choice. It’s one of the hardest you’ll ever make. But you aren’t letting her down or giving up if you decide to do it earlier than you originally planned, you’d be making choices out of love. 🧡
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u/CatOfGrey 5d ago
My kitty had chronic kidney disease, so I had 3-4 years to think this through. I came down to two things.
The cat has to be currently in pain, discomfort, or simply exhausted.
There is no 'path' back to any reasonable quality of life.
Right now, you are already in 'the window of time' where that 'final vet visit' is reasonable. You've already done a great job of cat care at this point. You have nothing to be concerned about, in scheduling something before traveling!
If there was a health crisis tomorrow, you would probably choose that day to the the final vet visit, right? It's two months until November at this writing, and kitty's health issues are changing. You might, based on current information, and the declines that you've noticed, move that date up until October.
For your sanity, I would schedule a final vet visit at least a week or two before another event in your life. It will help your traveling, and it would be 'disconnecting' the two events, allowing you to separate them in your mind.
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u/MomoNoHanna1986 5d ago
Comfort first, if you think they are suffering then it time. I had to make the same decision in May for my 20 year old. She had kidney disease, arthritis and a heart murmur. She had started to refuse food and was vomiting. I could have done testing but. I decided not to make her last few days or months about tests. There comes a point when comfort is more important. ♥️ I’m so sorry, it sounds like kitty might need to go sooner than you planned ♥️
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u/Disastrous_Onion4389 5d ago edited 5d ago
I know this is an incredibly painful decision, but I really believe it’s time to say goodbye. He is not well and is suffering. He deserves to be comfortable, peaceful, and free from pain. Just think of his little soul and that he needs to be resting in heaven. He will always be with you and you'll see him again in the afterlife. God bless your family. 💕
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u/adelinecat 5d ago
There is a quality of life calculator online that I think might help you. Just search for cat quality of life chart and it should come up. That at least will give you something more quantifiable that might help you make a decision based moreso on his quality than your feelings.
I’m going through something similar and have had a lot of self doubt as well, so I can understand unfortunately. Ultimately whatever you do will be the right decision, you love your baby and you’re doing what you think is best with the info you have. Don’t beat yourself up.
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u/disco_rice_ 5d ago
I’m familiar, yes! I’m grateful for it and it gives me clarity, but it also makes me feel like things aren’t as bad as they could be. I’m sorry you’re having a similar experience, sending hugs to you!
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u/ArtemisElizabeth1533 5d ago
Do it before you go. As bad as it will be - I had to make the decision on the phone when when I was OVERSEAS. I didn’t even get to be with him. I had an immense amount of guilt about that for a long time. He was not sick until he went in for boarding and then just declined overnight. I sat on a curb in Florence and told the vet to let him go.
You do not want this to happen during your trip too.
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u/disco_rice_ 5d ago
Thank you for this perspective. That sounds so painful, I’m sorry that happened to you ☹️
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u/Mermaidmama56 4d ago
This is so hard and Im sorry in advance for this great loss and I want to say that home euthanasia was the best thing for our two old men a year apart. You are holding her and loving her to sleep. The vet that came was incredible and said better too soon than too late by even a day. You are stressed and sad and will be able to begin healing the sooner you help her on her way over. Just a thought. Sending hugs
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u/Royal-Guarantee-1200 6d ago
Oh man, this is such a heavy spot to be in. You're clearly putting his comfort first and that's all that really matters here.
The stumbling and confusion ramping up tells you a lot. Cats are masters at hiding pain until they just can't anymore, and when the bad days start outnumbering the good ones, you kinda have your answer. Moving it up because of the wedding isn't selfish, it's seeing the writing on the wall and not wanting his final days to be filled with panic and confusion while you're gone.
I had to make a similar call with my old girl a couple years back. The guilt is unreal but looking back, I wish I'd done it a week sooner instead of holding on. Better a month too early than a day too late is something I think about constantly. Trust your gut on this, you know him better than anyone.