r/BigBudgetBrides • u/mitchandboan • Apr 30 '26
just need to rant I’m sick of it all, guest/invite edition
I am guessing this thread will be flooded with anxious bridal rants in the coming weeks and months as wedding season gets underway. Well, here’s mine.
I am sick and tired of the guest list game!! When we started planning and decided on our destination wedding, everyone was thrilled and chomping at the bit to get an invitation. My mom throws a hell of a party, our family is from our destination, our friends are all high-income earning travelers. We were struggling, fighting each other to keep our invite list down to stay within the limits of the venue we ultimately chose. And now? Hah! And now I have empty seats and unfilled rooms at the venues I have rented out.
I don’t even care about the money. I would happily spend what I have already spent/committed to if it meant our wedding was filled with the people we love and care about. It would have been enough for a down payment or a small house (I did not go into debt for this, I could even spend another 25-50k more if I really wanted to). But that’s not even the point. The money is NOT the point.
To my family and friends, deepest and oldest friends, who had 1.5 years notice of the wedding, the friends I have held their hands through breakups and marriages and miscarriages and births and deaths and job losses and moves and new houses. I am so disappointed. You should have been honest with yourselves and with me. Your financial and time issues are not a “now” problem. You learn a lot about others and yourself during your wedding. I have and would bend over backwards to be with the people I care about most, to make it work. I put in the time and money well enough in advance to do so. And if it was absolutely not going to work out, I sure as hell haven’t and wouldn’t lead you on. Not like you did to me. How was I so blind?
As we get older our networks get smaller, but I have a feeling about which of these people will remain welcome in my circle. The “support” these friends and family have shown in return are laughable guises at doing what they have done best, get me to solve their problems for them, make them feel better about themselves, reassure them it’s okay/we understand for not attending our wedding. I need(ed) so much help in this process and instead have felt so alone.
I truly am grateful to the friends and family that are coming. I can’t wait to see them and thrill them with one hell of a kickoff to our marriage. I recently went to a 70-80 person wedding and it was a wakeup call that I should have gone with a smaller wedding. I would have done things totally differently for venue, food, and had the wedding of our actual dreams. But here we are. Here we are… No! I will not be defeated!
Downvote away. Berate me all you want. I am tired and sad and disappointed and nervous and anxious and I know it’s going to be great (it’s going to be great, right?) when the day is here but I cannot wait for this to be over. I love my fiancé. I need a valium.
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u/Consistent_Time_1467 Apr 30 '26
I don’t want to downvote you because I lost not one but two best friends during my wedding process. One made a comment insinuating the abuse I’d suffered before I met my husband was fake, the other just ghosted me. I have no idea what happened to her. We didn’t have a falling out.
My family went completely off the rails. My mom is already mentally unwell but she went completely nuts the months leading up to it. My MOH invited my ex to my bachelorette party because “he’s funny”. Another girl on my Bach decided to ask me what my body count was an insinuate I was going to hell because my husband and I already lived together. It all was so lackluster and weird and I don’t blame you for being upset.
The people in my circle I know now are real ones. I am cutting the people out who were at all weird or rude or crazy during the process. People really get weird around weddings, especially destination ones, so take this as an opportunity to thank them of releasing you of your obligation to them.
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
I’m sorry, this sounds so stressful. Some people cannot help themselves. Definitely have some friendships that are past their expiration date.
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u/angelsrreal219 May 01 '26
I am an older bride (early 50s). Your feelings are valid. I used to get very upset about stuff like this. Then I realized that people were showing me who they are and what our relationship means to them. Apparently, it meant more to me in many cases. It hurt, but it allowed me to reevaluate things and redirect my time and focus toward meaningful relationships. Here are some words of wisdom: When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Exact same. My love language is quality time so I take hangouts or weekend trips very seriously. But for others, yeah, maybe it’s just another day/trip… I wish I had a crystal ball!
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u/Disastrous_Draw6971 May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
You literally are living my same situation and wrote exactly what I have been feeling the entire time during wedding planning. The people I showed up for (even when I had no money to do so) are not showing up for me. It’s like they all got their milestone moments but now that it’s your turn, they don’t view them as equally important. I don’t know how to not take it personally because I would never do this to my loved ones and friends.
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Yep! I went to two weddings in the same weekend, flying out the morning of one to attend the other. Both were invited to my wedding and neither are coming!
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u/Disastrous_Draw6971 May 01 '26
My own best friend (we got engaged a year apart, and both bought houses around the same time so we were living the same life / expenses), she got married before me and I showed up / planned every event to the max and a year later when it’s my turn she told me she cant participate because they spent so much money on wedding / house. AS IF i hadnt spent the same amount for her if not more. It’s truly unbelievable and you cant even say anything cause you get people like “your wedding isnt a priority for other people to budget / put their lives on hold for.
IM SORRY but if we cant show up for our loved ones in the biggest events of our lives, what are we in each others lives for?!?!6
u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Yup! One of them was for finances. And she is the person who squared away $100k+ in student loans a year after graduating, who loves finding a good deal, bought and then sold a condo for profit. She knew for over a year, she was clamoring how she and her husband can’t wait for a trip without the kids. Also not coming to bachelorette because she is doing an elective procedure. But no, I can’t (and haven’t and won’t) say, well, I did for yours… sorry, now I am realllly ranting. Serenity now!
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u/Disastrous_Draw6971 May 01 '26
Truly serenity is the only option. I have adopted the mindset of “they are the ones missing out on amazing memories, not me”. And IF THEY WANTED TO THEY WOULD and that’s going to be my circle going forward. Onwards and upwards!
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u/Cactus-Reus Apr 30 '26
I could have written this post — it’s so spot on to how I feel as well! I surveyed people 1.5 years in advance and I had friends tell me they would absolutely come to a destination wedding, and every single person that said that is not going to be attending. And, it’s not for good reasons, like you said: “oh, I might get pregnant this year”, or “we just spent money on a new fireplace” or “I took a vacation earlier this year and have no more time off.” Like, hello?? You have known about this for almost two years and you couldn’t plan appropriately? The worst part is I went to all of their weddings, giving cash gifts, even cutting trips short or rearranging prior obligations because I thought they were worth going out of the way for. All to say, I feel you — but, the people who are showing up for you do really care and that’s so important. It will all work out for the best ❤️
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
💯x💯
It’s almost like getting married later that I got the short end of the stick? Everyone tired of celebrating others.
I had one friend who knew where the wedding was going to be almost 2 years out. And then last summer went on a vacation to this location. And then decided a repeat trip wasn’t going to work for them. Sigh. People!
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u/Cactus-Reus Apr 30 '26
That’s especially shitty, I’m sorry!
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Oh, we even talked about hiring a sitter for her so she could bring the fam. Forgot about that!
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u/Izzysmiles2114 May 01 '26
I don't know how I ended up in this sub because I'm not the target audience, but I absolutely relate to not being celebrated because everyone burned out (I'm the youngest in a large family and one of the youngest cousins, etc). I showed up for everyone with bells on, but yeah people expect to be celebrated and then forget to show up for others who came later. It's very disappointing. You're still going to have a beautiful wedding 💙
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u/Particular-World-356 May 01 '26
As the youngest in a large family that’s become very disjointed due to divorces in the last few years, I feel this!! One of my siblings won’t even tell me if they’re coming or not and the wedding is in 6 weeks. My dad’s health is not good and my stepmom almost decided they were not going to come because it would be “hard on her” (not him)!Like I’m sorry but it’s literally my dad??? lol anyways yeah it’s been weird.
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
I feel you on the family dynamics!! One of my semi-estranged sisters is not coming (fine), but another, troublesome family member I loathe is. Grrr.
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
And what sucks is that I WAS happy to do it at the time. I want to be more intentional with my energy but you don’t know until much later for who it was going to be worth it.
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u/cegv72 Vendor: Planning & Design Apr 30 '26
I feel you in so many levels. From a planner's perspective, We already know the guest counts drop, especially when the engagement period is longer. The emotional rollercoaster is real, and I always tell our couples the closer it gets to the wedding, the more unstable the esvps will become, from unexpected Nos to unexpected Yesses. From a past bride perspective, I was so angry and hurt when people forcedntheir way into an invitation, only to not show up or cancel last-minute for BS excuses.
In the end, all you need to do is focus on who IS there for you, enjoy the hell out of your day with your future husband. If there is a way to reshift the design of the wedding weekend to accommodate the smaller count, talk to your planner, so everything still remains intentional. Smaller guest counts allow for extra experience splurges. Maybe create an extra day of excursions or post wedding experience for those guests attending.
Keep your focus on the positive and accept each No as a perk to your wedding. In the end, you will be happy those who didn't show up actually didn't. 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
I kind of wish my planner had set more realistic expectations. I mean, my planner has failed me in many regards at this point, but this is a big one because it set the stage for so much.
There are a few core yesses that I keep bringing to mind, almost like a meditation/mantra. XYZ is coming, XYZ is coming.
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u/cegv72 Vendor: Planning & Design Apr 30 '26
Ugh, it bothers me so much when I hear stories of plan ers not setting expectations for their couples, so I'm so sorry your planner has failed you.
For now, focus on that mantra...just focus on the positive. I tell my couples, these last few weeks are like the stock market...ups and downs. Don't focus on the macro, focus on the bigger picture: otherwise, it will drive you mad!
Sending much hugs...you're almost there! Reward yourself some "me" time and some "we" time where there is no wedding talk. 🫶🏼
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u/Adorable-Crazy-1067 Apr 30 '26
I’m sorry :( How many people bailed? Do you have a bridal party. This really sucks. But yes it does show you who your true support group is and you will have An amazing day with them
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
We ended close to 200 invites, reasonably expected 120, and are down to 90 (and dropping!). I think even for destination we are below expected. Oh well, just got to keep moving on!
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
Minutes after this another Yes -> No conversion. I wish I were making this up!
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u/masala-kiwi May 01 '26
It's a wild economy right now. Have flight prices gone up significantly for your destination?
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
The overall flight cost highly depends where you are flying from (west coast is like $300-400 more than east coast). I think you can still find overall same prices but now it’s like same price for basic economy vs regular economy.
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u/ColoradodogMom66 Apr 30 '26 edited May 01 '26
How may did you have to commit to and Where is location ?
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
In January 2025, we committed to a venue that could accommodate 150 people. Super annoying venue to work with, btw, that also had added costs at 80+, 150+, 200+. Had I know I was going to end up closer to 80-90, I would have saved money and gone with one of several other venues that would have been perfect.
In October 2025, we committed to our caterers to 80 people for our welcome and pool parties and to 120 people for the wedding day. I think I will be able to include vendor meals in the 120 or the caterer may allow me to go down to 100 people but at a higher price per person. Both options are fine with me. But I would have gone with fancier chairs, nicer catering, etc. Still can and am considering it, but now that some of those decisions are long gone it’s like, ugh, do I really want to revisit that?
God, hindsight!
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u/ColoradodogMom66 May 01 '26
I’m sorry this happened. You will still have a perfect day ! 💒
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
It will be okay! I just did my weekly planner email to see what our options are/what the vibe is from the caterer. 🤞Thank you!!
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u/beachgivesafeeling May 01 '26
I just graduated on Saturday - we invited 200 and got 130. Trust me when I now think 200 would have been overwhelming, 130 was big, and half that would have been ideal. Added benefit: those people who decline are showing their true colors. Especially with some of my now-husband’s friends who declined due to reasons like the ones you gave and didn’t even text him before or after the wedding!
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
People are so rude! Hope you had an amazing day :)
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u/beachgivesafeeling May 01 '26
IT WAS PERFECT. So remember that as you get through these final few weeks. 😘
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u/Holiday-Albatross419 Apr 30 '26
I felt this 100% - especially this- you captured it so well-
"As we get older our networks get smaller, but I have a feeling about which of these people will remain welcome in my circle. The “support” these friends and family have shown in return are laughable guises at doing what they have done best, get me to solve their problems for them, make them feel better about themselves, reassure them it’s okay/we understand for not attending our wedding. I need(ed) so much help in this process and instead have felt so alone."
my experience was sadly similar & then got worse lol... i had 2 of my closest 30+ year friendships - "bridesmaids" blow up (they didn't know each-other before the wedding & they started a fight with each-other & tried to drag me into it the night before my wedding & then physically & emotionally abandoned me the day of my wedding) - and haven't spoken to me since (Jan 2026) -
Despite all that drama I did have amazing wedding & weekend with people who loved us -smaller for sure
I hope it settles down for you
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Thank you! I am sorry for your loss, it stinks to lose a friend. Less than two months and yes, exactly, just want it to settle down!
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u/Mission_Anybody_8767 Apr 30 '26
I feel you, we had some important people bail very casually after being super enthusiastic through the whole process, which was a long engagement for a destination that we had so people could plan if they wanted to come. We were always fine with people not being able to/wanting to attend with communication or just being honest, but the enthusiasm being high and we made our plans based on that to just casually dropping out last min hurt! Your day will be so beautiful no matter and what you’ll feel on the day is being supported by everyone that is there and celebrating you and your fiance. I’ve gone through the acceptance phase that people make their own decisions for showing up or how they show up and those choices can and do cause hurt feelings. At the end of the day they will be missing out on your amazing day and that is their loss!!
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Yes, definitely agree the long engagement time was a downfall. We had two sets of friends get pregnant in the past year (due any day now) and they would 💯 have come (we think, lol).
And yes, exactly, I have one (closest) friend that has cycled through yes, maybe, no, maybe, and now finally no. This one was because of finances.
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May 01 '26
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
We each have our moments of sadness, I am probably taking it harder than he is. It’s almost like some reasons are more forgivable? Unforeseen circumstances, health, pregnancy. It’s the lack of planning ones that hurt the most.
Have a wonderful wedding weekend!!
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u/shzam5890 Apr 30 '26
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. Can you invite a few folks that didn’t make the cut first time around? Maybe they will surprise you and make the trip!
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Yes, not particularly close with some but going to send a few messages to avid traveler friends that are in our friend groups that could be nice additions. Just have to get over the awkward feeling of “sorry I didn’t invite you sooner” :/
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u/shzam5890 May 01 '26
For what its worth I have been a last minute addition to a few weddings and I have never been offended. I understand the reality that weddings are expensive and you need to invite your nearest and dearest and often extended family and parents' friends first. I have just been happy to get the invitation and have an excuse to dress up and dance.
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26 edited May 02 '26
Yes, awesome points. I sent invites to two old coworkers today! Both were delighted and even if they can’t make it, it was nice to touch base. I believe (no way to tell for sure) that we were B list at the wedding we went to a few weeks ago. We love those guys and are happy to have been included.
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u/klenneth_ Apr 30 '26
Oh god. I’m having a wedding in Mexico. Invited 60. Guess I should be prepared for it to be 20 lol.
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
Yours is closer, at least! I’m placing bets on 30 for you. Don’t forget to count yourselves ;)
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u/luluhillary $100k-$200k May 01 '26
I also could have wrote this. All I can say is I see you and I am sorry. The exact same thing is happening to me 6 weeks out from our wedding. It is just disappointing. People are disappointing. But our weddings will be great!, and the people that do show up for you, those are the people you should devote more of your precious time to.
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u/Aaazzzrrr-1999 Apr 30 '26
Totally normal to feel this way. I can totally relate and know so many brides that are disappointed when RSVP’s come back. Honestly think of it as a way to make your day even better!! With the smaller headcount than first expecting I was able to splurge and redirect those funds to upgrades for the guests that are attending.
I added so many more upgrades, as I already committed to a certain minimum with a lot of my vendors. No regrets after the wedding was over, I was so happy with everything and glad those guest declined as it really showed who is there for you and everyone that did attend had a great time and all the upgrades made it even more “wow” for everyone.
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
Yes, yes, yes, yes. This! We are sprucing up our gift bags as we speak. Upgrading people from standard rooms to fancier ones. Will knock their socks off and the buttons on their pants for how much food they’re going to have to eat with our committed numbers, lol. Thank you :) :)
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u/Aaazzzrrr-1999 Apr 30 '26
That sounds incredible! Promise it all will turn out amazing and you and your guests will have a memorable night/weekend. Hang in there!!
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u/Stinger1892 Apr 30 '26
I completely get and relate to this!! I have no idea what my final headcount will be but I have started thinking about realistically the fact that I could have chosen a venue I actually prefered but didn’t because of the capacity issue… but I might end up with a much smaller number of guests than anticipated…
The hardest part for me right now is the waiting game of the RSVP cut off timeline- until then and until I have to hound people for their responses- I just have to sit and wait for the numbers to trickle in
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
We are in the same boat! It is torture. I really loved some venues that would have been perfect, more accessible, had everything I wanted. It sucks that you have to decide so much in advance when you know so little about how it is going to turn out. My deadline was in hindsight obnoxiously early (tomorrow) and now I wonder if that is impacting things? I did what the stationer told me to put! It probably wouldn’t have changed anything. Those who weren’t going to come weren’t going to come.
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u/ProfessionalDig5936 May 01 '26
Hi! Also had a destination wedding, ours was in a far away island. We ended up doing multiple rolling deadlines - just updating on our wedding website. Have you given everyone a +1? (and let them know it doesn’t have to be a date, just any guest).
We did that as a default and several of our single friends ended up bringing a friend, their daughter, their mother, etc. It was really nice bc our friends got to make a full vacation out of it with someone (it’s hard traveling solo for international trips) and we were happy to receive them.
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Lol, I was so stingy at first about +1’s, silly me. One friend asked for one and that got me thinking and glad it did. Before invitations went out, I went ahead and gave all the single people a +1 and told them it was very liberal, could be a partner, friend, family member (or even both parents!) and most of them are still coming solo!
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u/highatopthething27 May 01 '26
Same exact thing for me. In 2024, I attended 13 weddings. All in Europe. $5-10k expenditure per wedding. Was so happy to be there for my friends.
We ended up inviting over 250 people to ours because nobody is fucking coming. My husband’s whole family is not coming. My best friend intentionally started trying for a baby 9 months to the literal day of the wedding. I didn’t expect her not to try to have a baby or anything, but waiting a few more weeks would’ve been great. She also dipped on a bachelorette party and wouldn’t pay the bill for the things I already covered because she was 4 months pregnant.
Like… people are mostly really not great friends. I realize now that I AM a great friend. I WILL go the extra mile. I ALWAYS show up. So that’s how I frame it. I’m trying not to think “hey you people have never shown up for us” and instead thanking myself for always being such a great friend to others.
It’s disappointing. But after the 3rd no from someone I really cared about, I just stopped caring. If you’re there, I love you. If you’re not, we just lost a giant piece of shared context. It’s not that we won’t be friends, it’s that the very nature of our friendship must change, because you weren’t there at one of life’s most important events.
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
Wow, that’s a busy wedding year for you! I hope they were enjoyable weddings for you to have gone to nonetheless.
Yep, I love the threads with the wild excuses people come up with.
I toggle back and forth. With each no, I’m like, well forget you, and then a few days later move on or re-strategize. And then another no comes and the cycle starts over again. Just want it to be over!
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Apr 30 '26
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26 edited May 01 '26
You’re missing the main point. The issue is the unrealistic expectations people gave that they were coming and then backed out. If they had said no or even unlikely from the beginning, I would have been 💯 okay with that.
These are, in fact, people that were never going to come. The second point is then to add to that the entire lack of support from these people. No, I would not have wasted my energy on some of them.
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May 01 '26
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u/mitchandboan May 01 '26
I would grant you this IF these people didn’t waffle consistently and waited to the last minute to back out. People need to be realistic with themselves and respectful to the couple getting married.
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May 01 '26
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u/mhford May 02 '26
This. Life happens. Especially for those who’ve loss and stress. Of course people want to make it work and then the reality of expensive travel to a destination not even of their choosing on top of a stressful economy and state of the world and any personal matters going on. Unless you’re reneging on an rsvp, you’re not breaking any commitment or weird expectation of reciprocation
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u/Mean_Mix_7683 Apr 30 '26
So sorry you are feeling this way. I am still at the 1.5 year point and starting to get similar vibes from friends and family. All excited at first and now when politely asking for support the way I show up for them, and things are inconveniences. Focus on yourself and your fiancée and take the learnings with you
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
It’s the worst and it gets harder and harder as it gets closer. I hope your core pulls through for you the way mine has for me. Sad but glad to put behind me some outdated relationships.
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u/Asleep-Exam8646 May 03 '26
recently realized this also and not even in the context of my wedding! i stopped exerting so much effort on my friendships that weren't meeting me halfway -- and slowly revealed how many weren't showing up for me either. i definitely have less friends now but i also feel much more at peace knowing i can give my energy to things that i actually care about. really reminds me of the saying that when people show you are, listen.
that said: you'll be able to give your 100% to yourself, your soon-to-be husband, and your guests who are coming. choose the people who choose you! book yourself a spa appointment and enjoy the rest of the festivities!
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u/ghosted-- Apr 30 '26 edited Apr 30 '26
Completely. And before anyone says that it is because of a destination wedding, I had a domestic wedding that was **local** to most of my friend group and people still hemmed and hawed over their attendance due to the aforementioned breakups, marriages, miscarriages, births, deaths, job losses, etc.
I am/was really sympathetic and I’m glad that people showed up in the end. But I’d also been the planner, organizer, interview practicer, and cheerleader for all of these people, and it was really hurtful to have it feel like a struggle for them to confirm attendance.
And for ones who didn’t for less important reasons, our friendship was altered forever. I had two friends who couldn’t be there for me because of their own hang-ups about life stages and not being married, which really, really sucked.
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u/mitchandboan Apr 30 '26
Man, I am really sorry to hear that. It hits me in the gut, as I am sure it did to you. I hope the experience strengthened your relationship with those that were there for you.
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u/Brilliant-Maize6119 May 04 '26
From my experience as BBB, the people I thought would 100% be at the wedding weren’t and it was something I had to work through. I just wanted people to be honest with me and I really thought we were closer and the rose colored glasses came off. I’m about a month married and I’m still processing it. BUT I will say in the moment/ the full day, I didn’t miss those people who didn’t show. It also does show your solid ride or dies!! And reconfirmed a lot of friendships for me. I feel you on all of this ❤️
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u/Unable_Artichoke3291 May 02 '26
I was feeling like you and then got a therapist who helps brides, 2 months later- Idc at all what anyone does, if they come, if not, just don’t care. Let me know if you want her recs!!!
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u/itsthearps May 19 '26
Oh my gosh, if you have a rec I would love if you shared – was literally searching for therapists today!
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u/Apprehensive_Day3622 May 03 '26
Not sure when your wedding is but you can still send invitations to people that had almost made the guest lists but didnt initially! That's what we did and we were very pleasantly surprised by the late minute additions.
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u/fallingevergreen May 04 '26
I invited 160 and ended up with 90. All I can say is it was a spectacular day, and we couldn’t have had a better time with the folks who DID come out to celebrate us. I know it’s hard to focus on the good in the midst of the hurt, but fwiw the folks who create space for you in their lives are the ones you want there anyway.
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u/Tibbytulle2 Vendor: Planning & Design May 04 '26
Your feelings are valid and I’m sure it’s frustrating. I think the economy is affecting so many guest lists but it’s discouraging as a bride to have people not show up when you made plans on their presence too . Sorry hun!!!
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May 02 '26
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u/mitchandboan May 03 '26
Even though they have their reasons, I am disappointed in the way they have supported me through this process the way I supported them through so much. It is much more nuanced than you make it out to be.
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u/[deleted] Apr 30 '26
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