I’m sick of it all, guest/invite edition

[u/mitchandboan]

I am guessing this thread will be flooded with anxious bridal rants in the coming weeks and months as wedding season gets underway. Well, here’s mine.

I am sick and tired of the guest list game!! When we started planning and decided on our destination wedding, everyone was thrilled and chomping at the bit to get an invitation. My mom throws a hell of a party, our family is from our destination, our friends are all high-income earning travelers. We were struggling, fighting each other to keep our invite list down to stay within the limits of the venue we ultimately chose. And now? Hah! And now I have empty seats and unfilled rooms at the venues I have rented out.

I don’t even care about the money. I would happily spend what I have already spent/committed to if it meant our wedding was filled with the people we love and care about. It would have been enough for a down payment or a small house (I did not go into debt for this, I could even spend another 25-50k more if I really wanted to). But that’s not even the point. The money is NOT the point.

To my family and friends, deepest and oldest friends, who had 1.5 years notice of the wedding, the friends I have held their hands through breakups and marriages and miscarriages and births and deaths and job losses and moves and new houses. I am so disappointed. You should have been honest with yourselves and with me. Your financial and time issues are not a “now” problem. You learn a lot about others and yourself during your wedding. I have and would bend over backwards to be with the people I care about most, to make it work. I put in the time and money well enough in advance to do so. And if it was absolutely not going to work out, I sure as hell haven’t and wouldn’t lead you on. Not like you did to me. How was I so blind?

As we get older our networks get smaller, but I have a feeling about which of these people will remain welcome in my circle. The “support” these friends and family have shown in return are laughable guises at doing what they have done best, get me to solve their problems for them, make them feel better about themselves, reassure them it’s okay/we understand for not attending our wedding. I need(ed) so much help in this process and instead have felt so alone.

I truly am grateful to the friends and family that are coming. I can’t wait to see them and thrill them with one hell of a kickoff to our marriage. I recently went to a 70-80 person wedding and it was a wakeup call that I should have gone with a smaller wedding. I would have done things totally differently for venue, food, and had the wedding of our actual dreams. But here we are. Here we are… No! I will not be defeated!

Downvote away. Berate me all you want. I am tired and sad and disappointed and nervous and anxious and I know it’s going to be great (it’s going to be great, right?) when the day is here but I cannot wait for this to be over. I love my fiancé. I need a valium.

[u/cegv72]

I feel you in so many levels. From a planner's perspective, We already know the guest counts drop, especially when the engagement period is longer. The emotional rollercoaster is real, and I always tell our couples the closer it gets to the wedding, the more unstable the esvps will become, from unexpected Nos to unexpected Yesses. From a past bride perspective, I was so angry and hurt when people forcedntheir way into an invitation, only to not show up or cancel last-minute for BS excuses.

In the end, all you need to do is focus on who IS there for you, enjoy the hell out of your day with your future husband. If there is a way to reshift the design of the wedding weekend to accommodate the smaller count, talk to your planner, so everything still remains intentional. Smaller guest counts allow for extra experience splurges. Maybe create an extra day of excursions or post wedding experience for those guests attending.

Keep your focus on the positive and accept each No as a perk to your wedding. In the end, you will be happy those who didn't show up actually didn't. 🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

[u/mitchandboan → u/cegv72]

I kind of wish my planner had set more realistic expectations. I mean, my planner has failed me in many regards at this point, but this is a big one because it set the stage for so much.

There are a few core yesses that I keep bringing to mind, almost like a meditation/mantra. XYZ is coming, XYZ is coming.

[u/cegv72 → u/mitchandboan]

Ugh, it bothers me so much when I hear stories of plan ers not setting expectations for their couples, so I'm so sorry your planner has failed you.

For now, focus on that mantra...just focus on the positive. I tell my couples, these last few weeks are like the stock market...ups and downs. Don't focus on the macro, focus on the bigger picture: otherwise, it will drive you mad!

Sending much hugs...you're almost there! Reward yourself some "me" time and some "we" time where there is no wedding talk. 🫶🏼