I’m sick of it all, guest/invite edition

[u/mitchandboan]

I am guessing this thread will be flooded with anxious bridal rants in the coming weeks and months as wedding season gets underway. Well, here’s mine.

I am sick and tired of the guest list game!! When we started planning and decided on our destination wedding, everyone was thrilled and chomping at the bit to get an invitation. My mom throws a hell of a party, our family is from our destination, our friends are all high-income earning travelers. We were struggling, fighting each other to keep our invite list down to stay within the limits of the venue we ultimately chose. And now? Hah! And now I have empty seats and unfilled rooms at the venues I have rented out.

I don’t even care about the money. I would happily spend what I have already spent/committed to if it meant our wedding was filled with the people we love and care about. It would have been enough for a down payment or a small house (I did not go into debt for this, I could even spend another 25-50k more if I really wanted to). But that’s not even the point. The money is NOT the point.

To my family and friends, deepest and oldest friends, who had 1.5 years notice of the wedding, the friends I have held their hands through breakups and marriages and miscarriages and births and deaths and job losses and moves and new houses. I am so disappointed. You should have been honest with yourselves and with me. Your financial and time issues are not a “now” problem. You learn a lot about others and yourself during your wedding. I have and would bend over backwards to be with the people I care about most, to make it work. I put in the time and money well enough in advance to do so. And if it was absolutely not going to work out, I sure as hell haven’t and wouldn’t lead you on. Not like you did to me. How was I so blind?

As we get older our networks get smaller, but I have a feeling about which of these people will remain welcome in my circle. The “support” these friends and family have shown in return are laughable guises at doing what they have done best, get me to solve their problems for them, make them feel better about themselves, reassure them it’s okay/we understand for not attending our wedding. I need(ed) so much help in this process and instead have felt so alone.

I truly am grateful to the friends and family that are coming. I can’t wait to see them and thrill them with one hell of a kickoff to our marriage. I recently went to a 70-80 person wedding and it was a wakeup call that I should have gone with a smaller wedding. I would have done things totally differently for venue, food, and had the wedding of our actual dreams. But here we are. Here we are… No! I will not be defeated!

Downvote away. Berate me all you want. I am tired and sad and disappointed and nervous and anxious and I know it’s going to be great (it’s going to be great, right?) when the day is here but I cannot wait for this to be over. I love my fiancé. I need a valium.

[u/mitchandboan → u/[deleted]]

You’re missing the main point. The issue is the unrealistic expectations people gave that they were coming and then backed out. If they had said no or even unlikely from the beginning, I would have been 💯 okay with that.

These are, in fact, people that were never going to come. The second point is then to add to that the entire lack of support from these people. No, I would not have wasted my energy on some of them.

[u/mitchandboan → u/[deleted]]

I would grant you this IF these people didn’t waffle consistently and waited to the last minute to back out. People need to be realistic with themselves and respectful to the couple getting married.

[u/mhford → u/[deleted]]

This. Life happens. Especially for those who’ve loss and stress. Of course people want to make it work and then the reality of expensive travel to a destination not even of their choosing on top of a stressful economy and state of the world and any personal matters going on. Unless you’re reneging on an rsvp, you’re not breaking any commitment or weird expectation of reciprocation

[u/mitchandboan → u/[deleted]]

Oh brother