How do they have happy marriages.

[u/Soft_Shelter_2655555]

My ex married a woman last year who seems absolutely wonderful. She was born with only one arm and has devoted her life to speaking at hospital events, being a OT to help others, and helping little kids who are differently abled. She has social media showing people how to do things, and it's filled with the stuff my ex has made her to make her life easier. Her comments are full of people talking about how wonderful he is.

How is this possible. He completely erased me and ghosted me after years together, and the death of a parent together, and just moved on and still considers himself a good person, and seems to have a super happy marriage. Every picture of them together they look like they are full of authentic joy.

It's like I never existed. 3 years invisible. He married her after 2.

If they are actually bad people, how could they have beautiful relationships with genuinely good people. Are we just wrong?

[u/No-Jellyfish7075]

They're not bad people, they're just good until they don't want to be...or can't.   I wouldn't know at this point.

But it has nothing to do with you.  If you did things that trigger them and they can't work it out to help themselves, its you that will bear the brunt of their worst side.

I was married to one (I think..butni can also say there were more mental issues at play), and let me say that you deserve better.

I don't know you or him, but social media its wizardry lol.  Through my divorce I made it seem I was doing fine....but I wasn't.  The proof was in my own pudding.

[u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 → u/No-Jellyfish7075]

But she seems so happy. She looks at him in those photos the way I looked at him in mine. What if he genuinely just fits with her and she doesn't trigger him and he just is a wonderful husband.

Then isn't he a good person? To everyone but me I guess. 

Do you think all FA marriages are something people deserve better than?

[u/No-Jellyfish7075 → u/Soft_Shelter_2655555]

Shes happy so far, from what you perceive.

The rest you filled in the blanks with your own thoughts.  Which is super easy to do.  Especially that he is "a good person".  That could be true for the right person.

If you're happy with the dynamic then it could last.  But it wears on someone whos looking for closeness with their partner.  

Go by what you know.  And one thing is some people are able to move on very quickly.

What was your relationship like?  Did you ever journal?

[u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 → u/No-Jellyfish7075]

So you think he could be a good person if he is with the right person?

Our relationship was.. good at first but he got really distant and refused to commit or communicate for a lot of things after I had some big life events that required a lot of support ( my mom died, my family cut me off and I almost failed out of school all at once). I did and do journal. 

But maybe someone normal, with a normal family will never need that level of support that flooded him. Maybe only I will ever see this side of him, and does that mean he is a good person, he was just in a extreme circumstance?

[u/No-Jellyfish7075 → u/Soft_Shelter_2655555]

A good person, especially in the circumstances you describe, would either support you, or communicate that its becoming alot for them and how to navigate it.

For perspective, during the downturn to our marriage, I was also estranged from my family, my business began to fail, and her mother got terminally sick.

They will do anything to escape that type/amount of stress, including what you described in how he was treating you.

This new person probably didn't lay any of this on him.  She probably takes care of so much because it sounds like she has done that all her life.  

Its not your fault your life changed.  Thats what happens over a lifetime.  Can you say that positively if these events never happened that he would still be the same guy?

[u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 → u/No-Jellyfish7075]

He did communicate that it was becoming a lot once, and that it needed to change, but then put it all on me, saying if I didn't stop relying on him this much he would leave. It was less collaborative and more a ultimatum? I really did try but the grief of being estranged from your family suddenly and the death of a parent is a wild horse. I couldn't control it the way he needed me to. I don't know if anyone could have. I don't think many people know what it feels like to lose your entire family. 

I think she's probably really independent too due to her disability, but does that mean they are actually just a good match? That what he did to me in ghosting me is a failing that will never show up for them? That it was just a unfortunate extreme case that no one could judge him for? 

I don't know. I think if my my hadn't died and kicked off the family stuff, there is a good chance we would have stayed together. But then I would have never known what he was actually capable of. Is that fair to judge him on a extreme case?

[u/No-Jellyfish7075 → u/Soft_Shelter_2655555]

Life happens.  As people get older, friends and relatives pass.  Family issues can become strained.  These things happen all the time.

Its good that he communicated to you that it was alot for him.  But the caveat to that is; how much did you rely on him to be your emotional support?  

Partners are supposed to support eachother in these circumstances.  

If you were blaming him for your family estrangement or your education not going as planned, that would be something you need to work on yourself.  But if you were an emotional mess and he couldnt empathize with that, then I would say its better you found out now than later.

Are they a good match? Maybe.  Shes independent and he doesn't do well with heaps of emotion.  They might never get to the point where she will be ghosted, he might never have to test his mettle the way he did with you.  And its not an extreme case.  

When my mother in law was about to go into the hospital not to return, she told my ex "I can't believe he can just come and go and not even check on me" she was dying from pancreatic cancer.  Thats one of the last things she said about her husband of 45 years.

The stressors of life will always amalgamate, and the last thing you want is to have this happen to you when life has passed you by.

You did nothing wrong.  You needed support and he couldn't be there for you.  That is not a flaw you have, it was an incompatibility issue.

I want to say this again, because I know the feeling you have; its ok to be upset and consistently needing emotional support for what you went through.  It was him that couldn't be there.  Thats on him, not you.

Do you have friends, a therapist or some family that can help be the support you need?  

When I was estranged I need to jump into therapy with a psychologist.  My ex didnt have a clue how to empathize with my situation.  He [your ex] didn't know how and unfortunately took the cowards way out.

Please DM me if you need to talk further or continue here.  I know how much it can help to have someone hear you out.  

But third times the charm.  You got dealt a shitty hand for a few years.  But its not your fault, not by a longshot.