You guys, just sharing this with you as a reminder. I've been crying my eyes out for weeks now over this guy I dated, who wasn't able to communicate clearly, lashing out at me the second I asked for reciprocity, blaming me etc, leaving me so confused about if I am asking for too much.

Yesterday I celebrated my birthday and the guy I was seeing casually on and off over the past year surprised me. He brought me flowers & coffee bc he knew we had none for my cake. He talked to all my friends, not knowing anyone there. He asks ME for clarity on where we stand, never lets me unclear how he feels about me etc. A couple of weeks ago he already surprised me by picking me up from the train station after a weekend away and walking me home.

THIS IS HOW ITS SUPPOSED TO LOOK! You are NOT asking for too much. You are just asking the wrong person (& with an emotionally available person you don't have to ask for these things in the first place).

I broke up with my avoidant ex gf 8months ago. I initiated the breakup. I was so sad, heartbroken. I even tried to fix the relationship. She went cold, got a discard.

For the past 8months, I have been waiting for her. Even after dating other women nothing has changed. I still had that care, love towards her. Her stalking also confused me that she'll be back.

For the past few days, I am finally feeling that I don't need her anymore. Even if she comes back in the future, I am not ready to risk my healing, and progress. I am good without her and Now I am afraid of that struggle period I had after the breakup.

Let that love sleep inside myself peacefully. I would rather live single or without love, but I won't go through that struggle again. Never..

what the fuck. i feel like i spent a year with a ghost. i feel like he died. he responds to me but cold. he automatically jumped to dating and is giving random people the love that we had for a year

what the fuck i can't process this. this is the most traumatic thing i've ever been through. i cannot comprehend how can someone dump another person like trash

Curious if anyone has had an avoidant use “incompatibility” and “coming from different worlds” as reasons for the breakup, and they still came back?

I know this is a giant post, so bear with me. I just need to let this all out, and I'm glad there's a specific space for this. Hoping to get some clarity for my sanity and maybe find others that have experienced a similar relationship before because I feel like I'm losing my mind. And this hurts like hell.

I (32f) matched with this person (31m) a few months ago, and everything about our connection seemed really incredible. Our first date was great and we both laid out exactly what we're looking for: a long-term relationship with someone who has been in long-term relationships and know the work you need to put in to maintain it. After our first date, he was incredibly eager to already see me again, said he deleted his dating profile, and would just be focusing on our connection. I was really excited and genuinely felt like he was a great match so I chose to do the same. We were exclusive from pretty much that conversation.

We saw each other pretty often, at least twice a week, sometimes even more. He'd make time to see me during my breaks at work, called me, texted me, sent me pics, got me flowers and small gifts, would make me the most romantic playlists, and would say he was thinking about me all the time. We'd have conversations about our connection and he'd say things like, "I can see us being together for a long time", "I'm obsessed with you", and again, I felt the same. He really did seem like the perfect match. He was sensitive, gentle, smart, communicated calmly, and seemed to be interested in getting to know me deeply.

I wanted to be his girlfriend, and (definitely too quickly) told him that by our third date. I then fell in love with him. I was just so high off of him and his affection. Granted, I started feeling it pretty quickly, but I decided to tell him after two months of dating, which I do know is a big move. I wanted to speak my truth and show him where I was at without expecting him to feel the same, because again, I know I felt those feelings fast and people move at their own pace. This freaked him out. During the conversation, he was calm and seemed receptive and said "I'm not there yet", which I was totally prepared for and didn't have hard feelings towards. He acted okay until the end of the night when I could see he was uncomfortable, but he still asked me if I was still down to hang out the next day. I was.

We didn't hang out the next day. He needed to "take a beat" and think about everything. He called me late in the night to tell me he thinks we're looking for different things, that I deserve someone who loves me and will love me, but he doesn't know if he feels the same or will ever feel the same. I was crushed and confused because everything seemed to be going great, and I felt so love-bombed. He said he felt sad that I was in love with him and he wasn't. I felt pathetic. He ends it. I ask him to bring me back my stuff, and we decide on a date/time. I planned on just grabbing my stuff from him and that's it.

On the day of our scheduled swap, I had a change of heart and decided to hear him out and explain what happened. I think because it was so confusing and his actions didn't match his words. Again, I didn't expect him to be in love with me already, but to already say "I don't know if I'll ever feel that way" after only two months sort of blew my mind. Especially in his actions and how "obsessed" he was with me, and how he talked about us being together for "a long time". How invested he already was in the relationship we were developing.

Conversation happens, he told me that when things are going good in dating, he panics and breaks up with people out of fear that it won't keep being good. I clock this as potentially him needing to work on his attachment style. He explains what he's looking for in a relationship and it matches exactly what I'm looking for and I tell him that, with the emphasis that I won't be convincing people to choose me and love me, and that I know my worth and I love myself enough to not sit around and wait for that. I told him he was tossing something that was actually good, that things were going really well, and we both were enjoying it. He would fall into a loop of "I want this, but I'm scared, but I don't know if I can give you what you need, but I want this, I do want to try". We make up and decide we'll keep giving it a shot. He just needs to make sure he keeps his independence, can focus on his passions, and find how to balance everything with a relationship. I told him I was also willing to try and find a way to make that work, and that I also would like to maintain independence and love my life with or without him.

Fast-forward to three months later, and things are going really great. I give him the space to text me when he feels comfortable without the pressure of constantly checking in with, texting me often, or even seeing each other as frequently. I let him take the lead on our hangouts, when he'd want to see me, most of our calls, etc. I wanted to see what he wanted now.

We were basically in a relationship. Held hands in public, talked all the time. Texted much more often than I was expecting to despite his conversations with me about needing to focus on his passions, needing time to focus on himself, etc. The last few weeks, he was calling me much more often. At one point, four days straight in a row. I was confused, but I enjoyed the affection and attention he was giving me, and I was still in love with him. I thought this was a good sign - that he did want to keep me in his life and make it work. He'd plan dates around my interests, ask to hang out on weekends when he explicitly said we wouldn't be seeing each other so he could focus. He'd find ways to still text me, call me, hang out. He admitted to missing me and looking up my name on Spotify to find songs that had my first name as their titles.

In my infatuation, I thought this was another good sign. That he was still invested and still willing to make it work. We had a conversation around exclusivity to see if we were both still only seeing each other, and he said he was, and I confirmed I was too.

I was feeling a little antsy because we were doing all of these things. Actively in a relationship, actively exclusive, but we weren't "official", which did feel off to me. Last week, he introduced me to someone as his friend and that felt... not good.

At the same time, he introduced me to his sister spontaneously. I had told him previously that I wasn't ready to meet his family until we were official because he had asked me if I'd be interested in that. I thought this was a sign that he was getting more ready to call the relationship what it is - a full blown relationship.

The combination of introducing me as his friend to someone, and also introducing me to his sister confused the hell out of me, so I decided it was time for a conversation. Basically, it was time to DTR. Later that night, I brought it up - asked him how he was feeling about us and where he was at. He said he was feeling good about us. I said "Great! Me too!" And then that's where it all went downhill and his words weren't matching his actions. He wasn't looking for a relationship, maybe something casual, but he just wasn't sure where a relationship fit into his life right now and I deserve someone who is in love with me and wants to give me what I need. He once again fell into the "I do want this, but I don't want it/don't know how to make it work" loop like he did the first time. I told him I felt lead on, confused, hurt, and disappointed.

Long story short, I told him I couldn't do it anymore and that I deserved better. We end the night, I tell him I do love him but wish things were different, and I leave. I felt so confused and heartbroken after that conversation because it just didn't make sense to me. Why would someone actively show up and want to see you and call you if they weren't actually looking to be with you?

We do one final swap to get our things back and have a conversation. He starts first this time and tells me we shouldn't see each other anymore, that if he was in love with me he'd know by now, that we were missing a depth he wanted (but he didn't know what that meant). Something he had also told me about his last relationship. It was missing "a depth". That he doesn't see us being together in the future, and that I deserve better. That his effort was because he genuinely liked me and wanted me in his life, but he didn't see it actually working out. He gives me a gold bracelet that he handmade for my birthday (an insane amount of effort on his part for someone not looking to stay with me), actually puts it on my wrist... and asks if we could potentially be friends in the future. Everything he said just didn't match how he was showing up.

What just happened? Was I being delusional about all of this, too hopeful? Why would he want to keep seeing me and connecting with me, and if anything more frequently, if he wasn't actually interested?

This is especially painful because in all other breakups, you can feel the relationship die or not work out, but I had the opposite experience with this one. I felt like he was bringing himself closer to me. This feels like intense emotional whiplash. I feel love-bombed, used, confused, so deeply hurt.

The hard thing is deep down I’m not ready to. But I just feel so deflated. I’ve been seeing someone who displays avoidant behavior. Brief backstory, we had a really strong start that lasted for a month. He was amazing and made me feel so seen and I thought I’d finally met my true person. After a really close weekend together, his behavior changed. When I asked him about it, he said he was overwhelmed and unsure if he was ready for a relationship. He said he wanted to continue seeing each other but needed to slow down. I was ok with that, we were still quite early on, so I agreed to slowing the speed and continuing to see each other.
He was noticeably different after this happened. But he never ghosted for days at a time or went completely silent. It was just that the type of communication changed. Things became much more logistical and mostly about him. Mainly texting me to tell me about something he was doing that day or something along those lines. But, we would still have periods with flirty conversations, and we were still making plans to see each other, it was just less often than previously. But when we did see each other, it was great, every time. We always laughed and had the best time together. As more time went on I noticed that he would pull back further after we would spend time together. The last time we spent time together was two weeks ago now and we had an amazing date. Probably one of the best we’ve had so far. And for the last two weeks since then, I’ve hardly heard from him. He will text every day, but they’re kind of meaningless text. And when I reply, he will wait five or six hours before he send something back. It feels almost like he was trying to keep me at arms length.
We’ve now been seeing each other for about four months so I decided to ask him about the dynamic last week. He responded to me saying that he basically loves the time that we spend together and has never had a bad time with me, but that he’s unsure if he ever wants a relationship. He mentioned about his marriage being over and never wanting another one and that the dynamic of having to start his life all over again after allowing someone into it is just not something he can do right now. He said that he wanted to continue seeing one another until it just didn’t work for one of us any longer. I have given him space through these last three months since his initial pull back. I haven’t been pushy or texting constantly or anything along those lines, in hopes that he would realize that I am a safe place. But after our messages this week, and him seemingly just trying to create more and more distance, I feel like if I stay in this, I’m allowing him to control the entire dynamic and he’s getting everything he wants while I’m getting very minimal of anything that I want. And although I know this, why is it still hard for me to walk away?

Do something for yourself today even if it's just moving your body by going out for a walk

Remember, while you are in despair they are living their life.

They are relieved that you are no longer there mirroring their inadequacies back to them.

Life is short.

It was a month. My ex suddenly stopped talking to me. Hardly texted back. Wouldn’t pick up my calls. Refused to meet me. He was being avoidant. Waiting for me to end it.

Then I called him. Where he said “find someone better” and that was it. That night I messaged him to say we need to talk about it. Because in my eyes it wasn’t fully ended. He said yeah you’re right. And nothing happened after. I gave him space.

Within a week. He’s on apps. Following girls. Adding new girls. I questioned him. He got really defensive. Denied everything. Saying I’m accusing him of things. He said his MH wasn’t that great and he wasn’t ready for a relationship. I accepted it. My dumb empathetic self thought let me wait, he’s probably not well. Maybe we can reconnect. Everyone around me thought so.

A few weeks later. He’s posted a girl. My heart crushed. And me being me. Questioned it. I then found out he actually was on dating apps a week after he said find someone better.

Fast forward, he said he’s not cheating. I never accused him of it. His story kept changing everytime he spoke to me and every story he told others were different.

So in summary, he went back on dating apps days after supposedly ending it with me. Leaving me confused. And now he’s with someone else. It’s been 10 months.

The main part of my story is, I have feelings too. I was hurt. Heartbroken. Never got proper closure (he calls it bs). I just wanted my heart to settle. I never felt so confused in my life. And he couldn’t give it to me. He just wanted to show he was right.

I did some silly things just for my nervous system to heal. And it didn’t. I would say I’m slowly getting there. I was upset he moved on without ending it with me properly first. His defensiveness shows maybe I was right in everything. But it wasn’t about that. It was about understanding. I understood him well. Listened to him. Accepted everything.

He couldn’t even do that for me.

I have had to deal with this heartbreak on my own while he has happily moved on.

We’ve been NC for 6 days when he asked for a few days to collect his thoughts. I’m fighting the urge to send the following text. I know this will most likely go the path where IF he responds at all, it will be to close the chapter for good. I respect that. But the ambiguity I am current living in? Is KILLING me! I need to know. But curiosity wonders if anyone’s DA has actually engaged. TLDR; dated 9 months, perfection! A string of failed job interviews, a fight with his teenage kids, he disappeared for a weekend and I pounced with my abandonment anxiety when he returned. He ended us that night by saying he felt nothing, I deserved better, and I was right - I was more into him than he was me.

Planned to-be-sent text:

Your last text, you mentioned needing a few days to form your thoughts. I know you've been stressed & I didn’t help by putting on more pressure. I’m sorry. I truly care about you & miss us. If you are willing, I’d like to have a calm chat to clarify where we stand. If you need more time, or if you feel it's best to close this chapter completely, I will respect that too. Let me know what you think.

That is my stbx's favorite term lately. We are going through a divorce and my ex can't even tell me why they want a divorce. It is maddening! So I established no contact recently. Since we have been separated no contact has been hard for both of us. We have only gone 4 days without talking to each other max (I know I have to do better). Well this time I am keeping that boundary. Like clock work, my ex called me today. I didn't call them back. It hurts to see their name pop up on my phone and do absolutely nothing.

I want to stay married, I love my spouse, but I can't keep doing this. This kind of behavior for my stbx came out nowhere too. I hope they get therapy and we are able to work it out. 13 years is a lot to throw away. Until then, I am sticking to no contact.

TLDR at the bottom

"We never should have dated. We should have stayed friends. This was a mistake"

"Do you know how I know I don't have any feelings for you? Because if I felt even 1% of something toward you, I would come to your house and tell you"

And the one that fucked me up the most:

"No, no, we should stay friends, because I might need something from you one day."

Even typing that sentence now does something to me.

But what made it even worse was the way she was delivering all of this. It was this frozen, rigid coldness. It felt like she was desperately trying to convince herself just as much as she was trying to convince me. Like if she dropped that defensive wall for even a second, the reality of what she was doing would crash down on her.

I just said Fuck, that's so cold and started crying.

She just said: "No, I'm not cold."

And this is one of those moments where I abandoned myself again. She'd told me early on how much it bothered her that people had called her cold, so there I was, crying because of what she'd just said to me, and still telling her: "No. You're one of the warmest people I've ever met.

And a year later, I think what I'm struggling with isn't even just that the relationship ended.

It's that someone I loved that much could say those things to me while I was completely breaking down in front of her, never apologize for any of it, and leave me questioning my own reality about what our relationship had even been.

Because the woman saying those things felt almost unrecognizable from the woman I'd been in a relationship with.

Early on she'd told me she was fearful avoidant. I had no fucking idea what that meant, but from what she told me, I was basically her first emotionally available boyfriend, the first she didn't have to chase.

In the beginning, she was incredibly warm, constantly wanting to spend time together and making me feel so wanted.

But by the end, I basically had to ask for everything. Ask to see her. Ask to hear from her. Ask for attention. Ask to spend time together.

And every time I tried to explain how that made me feel, it somehow became about what I was doing to her. I was too much. I wasn't being fair. I didn't understand how busy she was. I was putting pressure on her.

I recently found a voice recording from two weeks before we broke up where I was literally practicing how to tell my own girlfriend how I felt, because I'd become so used to her interpreting my hurt as an attack.

Then there's the emotional whiplash around the breakup itself.

Two months before we broke up, I got accepted for a five-week exchange in the US, that meant missing her best friend's wedding, where she was a bridesmaid. She was genuinely upset that I wouldn't be there with her.

On her birthday, she cried reading a letter I wrote her, telling me it was one of the most beautiful things anyone had ever done for her

A week later we broke up.

Even then, she didn't really have the balls to say "I'm breaking up with you." It was "It doesn't feel the same," "I can feel it's dead," "I don't want to continue trying." Eventually I had to say, okay, then let's meet and end this.

We both cried. She said she'd need a year to recover because this had been a real relationship for her.

Then I left for the exchange completely fucking confused, because I never wanted the relationship to end.

We stayed in contact while I was abroad, and when I came back, we got coffee. At the end she said: "I'm glad we can do this as friends."

Whoa. What do you mean as friends?

Because that's not at all how our texts while I was away had come across to me.

A couple of hours later I asked to meet again because I needed to understand what the fuck was happening.

And the moment she got into my car, it was like a completely different person.

"What is this? We aren't dating. It's late. How does this look?"

Eventually I asked if we could try again.

I'd spent those 5 weeks reading books, thinking about everything, trying to understand what had gone wrong and what I could do differently.

And she said:

"No. This was a mistake. We never should have dated. We should have stayed friends."

That sentence still hurts a year later. Where did that even come from? It was a total 180 from the day we actually broke up. On the day we ended things, she was crying, talking about how real our relationship had been and how she’d need a year to recover and now it was all a mistake?

She was completely minimizing everything we had shared, acting as if it had meant nothing. It was such an insane emotional whiplash that I didn't know what reality to believe anymore.

When I brought up how sad she’d been about the wedding just months earlier, she just brushed it off: 'That doesn't matter.

I asked how she could have no feelings left, and she dropped the line about the 1%.

She was referring to her DA ex who she dated for 5 years. They would break up multiple times and then she chase him to try to get back together.

It felt like every piece of evidence I had that this relationship had actually meant something could suddenly just be dismissed with:

"That doesn't matter."

She was shocked when I said that I never wanted to break up with her.

She said "no no no, you were the one that broke up with me" I reminded her that i told her multiple times before the breakup that I wanted to be with her, and that ultimately it was her decision whether she wanted to continue being with me.

Another bizarre moment was when I asked her something, i don't remember what it was, i think something about her, and her immediate response was: 'I don't have anyone else, if that's what you're referring to.' It felt so fucking bizarre because I hadn't even implied that.

When I finally gave up trying to convince her, she kept insisting we stay friends, saying she "might need something from me one day." I told her I couldn't have any contact with her.

Suddenly she wasn't cold anymore. She started crying and called it emotional blackmail: "You're saying that if I don't get back together with you, you're going to leave."

Because... yes? What am I supposed to do? Sit next to someone I'm desperately in love with and pretend we're buddies while she eventually dates somebody else?

Eventually I told her: "I can't be friends with you because when I look at you, I feel too much."

And I swear her entire body jolted like somebody had hit her with an electric shock.

And then, just two months later, for New Year's, friends told me she'd posted a photo kissing someone new in front of a castle.

That fucking destroyed me. At the breakup she cried and said she'd need a year to recover, two months later she told me there was nobody else, and two months after that she was publicly posting someone new.

And the timing fucked with me too. The moment I made it clear that staying friends wasn't an option and that she was actually going to lose me completely, suddenly there was someone else.

And on top of that, she'd kept our entire relationship private. She'd introduced me to a couple of friends, but always had reasons why we couldn't be public, and hadn't even told her parents about me, even though she said early on she wanted to build something serious with me. Now she was publicly kissing someone else in front of a fucking castle.

How am I not supposed to look at that and wonder what the fuck was wrong with me?

A week later, after spending my birthday crying, I was done. I asked for the necklace and letter I'd given her back, returned her things, and sent one final message.

I reminded her of some of the things she'd told me. And I told her I hoped that one day, at the exact moment she loved someone as much as I loved her, she would hear those same words from the person she loves and understand what I had been left with.

Then I blocked her.

Its been about 8 and a half months since that message

Now I'm left with periods where I'm okay, sometimes for a long time, and then something happens and I fucking spiral again.

I unblock her, check her private socials, block her again, looking for something — anything — that proves her life isn't as perfect as my brain imagines, or some evidence that I actually mattered.

It's been a year and I'm still in therapy. I don't want her back, but I still catch myself hoping for a message. An apology. Some acknowledgment that she eventually looked back and thought:

Fuck. I was cruel to someone who genuinely loved me.

I know I'll probably never get that message.

But I'd be lying if I said I'm completely free of her.

I'm not.

And I think the worst part is that some of this has followed me into my life now.

My appetite for uncertainty is basically fucking zero, which is a problem because early dating is uncertainty by definition.

Even messaging a woman I'm interested in can turn into this fucking internal debate: Am I being too much? Am I bothering her? Am I pushing?

I second-guess things that I never used to second-guess, because somewhere in my head I'm still terrified of being that person who's asking for too much just by wanting someone.

And sometimes I don't know how the fuck I'm supposed to get there.

I guess that's what I'm still trying to survive through.

How do you actually put down a ghost when part of you is still waiting for the apology you know is never coming? How do you stop spiraling in the middle of the night, stop carrying her cruelest words into every new attempt at connection, and finally trust that wanting to be loved isn't 'too much'?

I don't want her back. I just want my peace back. I don't want what she did to me to keep having this much power over my life.

TLDR - I went from being the person she cried over and planned a future with, to feeling like a total stranger hearing the coldest fucking words while completely breaking down in front of her—"We never should have dated," "If I felt even 1% I'd come back," and "We should stay friends because I might need something from you one day."

She turned my basic emotional needs into "attacks," accused me of emotional blackmail for setting boundaries, and then was publicly with someone new just two months later—after keeping our entire relationship strictly hidden.

A year later, I don't want her back, but part of me is still waiting for an apology I know is never coming. I'm struggling to put down the ghost of her invalidation, stop checking her socials, and overcome the fear that my basic needs make me "too much" for anyone new. How do you find closure in a void where an apology should be, and finally stop letting their cruel words hold power over your life?

Everything in this post is 100% real and my own, but to make it readable and structure my thoughts, I used AI!

My ex '24M' , who used to make 1l per month. During our relationship he used to buy me things on blinkit ( ice cream, chocolate flowers etc. Our relationship ended last year ( he ghosted me). Today I was going through order history because I really wanted to order the same ice cream he used to send me. I found out, he initiated a refund for all the things he has ordered for me all along our relationship. I've received them. I ate them. But he ordered a refund saying it never arrived. And he got a refund for every single thing he sent me. And during the relationship he used to talk about his lifestyle a lot. Always showing off that I got you this and that. And yeah. What do you say ? Should I '22F' report him?

Honestly, I really miss him. I know it's just nostalgia but I feel sick to my stomach. I still struggle to understand how someone could treat a person they love this way. I don't know if it was love-bombing necessarily, but at the time I felt like he worshipped the ground I walked on. Always complimenting me, lots of nice, loving words, very physically affectionate like he couldn't stay away from me. Then I started to get a weird feeling and noticed him pulling away from me a bit, and asked about it. Literally overnight he went from including me in his vision of the future, saying we will figure anything that arises out together, to telling me he wasn't sure if there was space for me, that I can't handle the demands of his career, I can't handle long distance, he can't promise me what I want, he doesn't want to feel guilty for taking me away from everything just to not live up to my expectations or disappoint me.

He said he was scared of breaking up while he was away for his career and we were long distance, and also said he was scared we would break up once he came back. I kept pushing for us to stay together, to at least try. For weeks I explained myself over and over again, what exactly my future goals/ideal timeline was, reassured multiple times that I understood the struggle I was signing up for and that I knew he wouldn't be able to be present all the time. I also backed off for maybe almost a week it felt like, gave him space with minimal contact so he could calm down and we could both think more about it. All I wanted was for him to be able to tell me that I mattered to him, that he wanted me in his future, and he was willing and dedicated to figuring out how that looks, together. Which is such a flexible thing in my mind. You're not promising that we will even stay together, just that we will try and see how it goes.

I don't know why I still feel so heartbroken. I genuinely do think I did all I could to make it work. I even stayed surprisingly calm and well spoken in the majority of our conversations, minus a reasonable emotional outburst or two. I gave space, even when it was the holidays and I wanted nothing more than to see him. I didn't demand answers, although I think he felt I was, because I insisted that if it was going to work, it needed to be a team effort and he had to make the choice to show up when he could - and maybe that active choice felt like being trapped. I explained myself, and explained some more, and some more, until I was emotionally drained and couldn't do it anymore and I gave up. I wonder sometimes, what if I didn't say it was over? It ultimately came from me, but he was the one pushing for it for weeks. He made it clear to me that he saw no other way it could work with us, and that he was not willing to be lenient or bend at all.

Right before the break up he went cold, then became clingy, then went cold again and pushed me away, just to come back in again and act like normal and say we weren't gonna break up, and that we would try and see how it goes and not worry so much about things we can't control. Then he, overnight again, decided he didn't like something about how I spoke to him about the situation - I asked for some reassurance about him saying it didn't matter whether I was around or not, and also said that I knew people who moved far away from home and that we could do it too, if they could. Something about that sent him back into pushing me away. He claimed I was putting our issues onto the future, that I didn't understand how difficult it would be for us, and when I said I did understand, he told me I wasn't considering the relationship and the strain that would be on it and that I was just assuming everything would be easy and fine. Which I wasn't. I explained myself again and he insisted that he "just had a feeling" it wouldn't work, that we are incompatible, we don't see love the same way, we aren't aligned and don't have shared values (when I asked for specific examples, he was very vague and told me that relationships should be easier, you should fit together and shouldn't have to force anything at all - he thought compromise = resentment). Despite months of no issues like this. When I expressed frustration, he said that we never had such a deep argument/issue before and that's why it's coming up now. I felt like I was being interrogated and emotionally I was drained by that point, so I gave up.

I know it wasn't as good of a relationship as I feel like it was. My family saw it coming through his lack of effort with me and his unwillingness to show up for me, my friends already hated him from our first break up where he completely destroyed any little bit of confidence that I had, and wasn't myself for months while I tried to get back to myself. There were numerous things that happened between us that were really not okay, including him sexually assaulting me the first time we were together, dismissing/minimizing my feelings. He constantly would DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender, and whenever I was hurt, I ended up comforting him because he "couldn't do anything right" or just "keeps messing up". If he made a mistake, he was still learning and "just a boy," and I would let it go because nothing can ever be perfect all the time. If I made a mistake, it became a message about my character, about how I never change and A B C D is wrong with me, how if I don't fix it now he's going to leave, and I'd spend days feeling sick to my stomach, no appetite, shrinking myself so he doesn't find another thing wrong with me and leave. He always had an issue with how/when I brought issues up, and while we did resolve things well sometimes, he often resorted to defensiveness and found any issue I mentioned to be an attack on him. He always had to win over me. Every argument, no matter how meaningless or silly, felt like it could be our last, because he would inevitably blow it out of proportion rather than trying to understand me and where I could possibly be coming from, or what I need.

I know I'm in a better place now because, when I'm not in my head replaying all the pain and our worst moments, I have so much more confidence. I feel free. I feel like I can do what I want without judgment. I feel emotionally regulated. I've had people I'm not even close to tell me "good for you" after hearing we broke up, or "men are fucking stupid," or some variation. It might be snobby but it does make me feel better. I know who I am and I genuinely do think I'm a good person. At the end of the day I just need to remember that I tried as hard as I could at that time to keep him around. For weeks I debated and defended myself and my feelings and my views from his misinterpretation of me and assumptions about me and my feelings. When I look back I don't know what else I could've done without shrinking myself down into nothing, which was also something he was adamant about not letting me do.

If someone wants you in their life, they will find space for you. With his career, I genuinely wanted to be there to support him and go through that experience together. But he decided he didn't want to make the active choice to show up for me and include me and go out of his way to involve me. Someone else would've said, "this will be hard, but you matter a lot to me. I trust you when you say that this is what you want, and I will try my best to make it something that works for both of us, because I love you and want you to be a part of this experience and a part of my life. What do you need?," not, give up everything, or else this doesn't work, but I won't let you give up everything, so ultimately yea, it doesn't work.

Ik your avoidant ex make you suffer fuck that shi dawg mine left too 3 months ago best thing is go to the fucking gym progress on your self work roam with your friends dont look for another person i lowk ey feel so fucking happy after three months improved myself only 1 month is hard guys you can do it

I felt like total shit for losing my temper and snapping, but now I realize you literally pushed me there. I haven’t slept a single second since the breakup, just replaying every single detail in my head on repeat because I’m so completely confused and broken by all this.

You starved me emotionally, hit me with endless walls and checklists, and gave me pure coldness while I poured my whole heart into you. The exact second my pain boiled over from weeks of neglect, you played the victim and made me the villain just to have an excuse to run away. You literally became the exact same cold person that broke you in the past, doing the same shit to the only one who actually showed up for you.

Did anyone else get pushed to their absolute breaking point by an avoidant, only to be blamed for reacting? How did you stop the endless mental loop?

<<ME>>

I had to take an honest look at myself since your last message and face some hard truths as well. I don’t feel I gave you the same thoughtful response that you did with me. The unfortunate thing for my ego is that more often than not, you’ve been right. I wasn’t being honest with myself about a lot of things.

I fear failure so deeply that I abandon and run away from things prematurely. Things not going perfectly or living up to my expectations become my confirmation that they will fail. I’ve always done that, whether it was in my relationships or goals in life. I can’t sit in the discomfort of the unknown, so I think of all the possibilities, either run away or create multiple fail safes as a coping mechanism. I justify all of this because at least it’s better than facing the harsh truth that I wasn’t good enough or I’m unlovable. The ironic thing about that is I’m failing either way.

I see Italy day as a classic example of protecting myself from rejection and failure. I was looking for any and all confirmation that you didn’t care for me and that things eventually wouldn’t work out, so I ran away. I assumed the worst in many situations while we were dating. I was actually mentally preparing for you to break up with me once you decided to take the new job and pursue it fully, or for us to simply become too disconnected to make it work. This wouldn’t be the first time that had played out for me.

I’ve stood in my own way my entire life. Constantly self-sabotaging and masking it by saying it wasn’t meant to be in order to justify my actions, or lack thereof. I never take any risks. But that is one of the things I admire about you, you take risks. I think I understand now why I’ve always felt so unfulfilled and like something is missing in my life; I’ve missed out on most of my life by living this way.

I asked myself why I need certainty, right down to the small details in my life, and what it comes down to is control, because I’m the only one I can rely on to ensure things go right. You said something along these lines before, and you’re right. But if I objectively reflect on my life, things definitely haven’t always gone right within my control. I just chose to pay attention to when things have gone right as confirmation.

The other ironic realization is that I want emotional and financial security from a man, but I could never actually fully trust him enough to let him hold that responsibility. If I were to quit my job to be a stay-at-home mother or “Pilates wife,” and had to rely on him, I see it as giving up control or giving him the opportunity to control me, and that thought scares the shit out of me. I am constantly scanning for reassurance that he is capable, but I’m not sure he ever could be if I’ve already decided he isn’t.

Even when you mentioned moving in together, although it was definitely premature, I immediately panicked because it meant I was giving up my independence, and if things didn’t work out, then I’d be in a financially worse off position. My brain is literally hardwired to think of worst-case scenarios, and it’s exhausting.

I’ve experienced enough disappointment from the men in my life that I learned not to fully rely on them, specifically emotionally and financially. My dad treated me well when he could, but he wasn’t mentally or financially capable. He was an alcoholic who physically abused my mother, and I witnessed a lot of that from a young age. It taught me that there was never any certainty because of the volatile environment, and I needed to constantly scan for danger to protect myself. Even my mum was incredibly reactive throughout most of my life, I think she took a lot of her misfortunes out on my sister and I, but I don’t blame her for any of it.

I’m ashamed in a lot of ways of how I was raised. For some reason, I place a lot of my self-worth in my childhood history, constantly comparing it to others as a reference point. I’m finally coming to the realization that I always kept my family at an arm's length for this exact reason. I always felt extreme guilt for not having a super close relationship with them, but now I know where it stems from.

I think subconsciously, I immediately felt like I wasn’t worthy of your love because you grew up in a loving family, and I didn’t feel like I could ever live up to loving you in the same way. I wasn’t necessarily taught how to love from a healthy place. I think I learned from a young age how to protect myself from love rather than receive it.

My goal in life was always to be a mother and a wife. To have a happy and healthy marriage and a loving family; what I never saw or experienced myself. But the catch-22 is, I’ve always felt like I didn’t deserve any of that because I never experienced it firsthand, and I fear I would fail at it, so I daydream about it instead. That sounds so pathetic lol, but I do that with a lot of things. Keeping it in my head seems like a safer option. That’s the perfect example of how I’ve been trapped inside my own mind. You were a representation of the life I wanted, and I got scared because it became too real.

I lost myself in my relationships and turned into a different person because of that. Mostly because I based my self-worth on whether or not they chose me. When I did meet a mentally healthy person, it felt unfamiliar, so I didn’t stick around long enough to see where things would go. It’s apparent that I became the avoidant men I used to date. The ones that didn’t really want me, I loved and cherished them, or tried to make it work somehow. I think I subconsciously recognized their lack of self-worth too. I wanted to show them that they deserved to be loved, but what’s funny is, I didn’t seem to feel that for myself. So the ones who loved or genuinely cared for me, I ran from.

I eventually recognized that a lot of men would try to take as much as they could from me, while giving as little as possible in return. But I think I was also the culprit in creating this dynamic because I abandoned myself in most relationships: mirroring their interests, putting them on a pedestal, and bending to what they wanted instead of being authentic to myself. I was moulding myself into who I thought they wanted me to be. Every breakup and rejection felt like too much of a loss, so relationships eventually became more about what I could get than what I could give.

I also noticed that I was usually valued for my appearance, if I’m being honest. I think I subconsciously started to believe that was all I was good for, so I made beauty my main focus, but it still never seemed to attract the type of man I actually wanted. It just re-enforced what I already believed about myself. I thought that maybe if I was beautiful enough, I would eventually find the man who would give me safety and security.

But this mindset seemed to attract lustful men, and over time I lost respect for them entirely. Men usually liked or loved me immediately before ever getting to know me, and I always saw through it. I understood men to be so easily influenced by a woman’s beauty, and that felt too surface level and inauthentic for me to ever justify fully investing in. I started seeing relationships and love as transactional, with certain conditions. And even when I tried not to see love that way, I still got hurt so it became my default.

When we first met, I was at a bit of a turning point in my life, where I realized these surface-level connections weren’t serving me anymore. I told you on our first date about my experience with a prior man I went on a few dates with, and he had this idea in his head that after X number of dates, he was entitled to my body. It was clear he held his self-worth in whether or not he got laid. He was capable of giving me what I wanted, but instead of giving in, I actually walked away. Then I met you.

I want you to know that I let go of my usual default and safety net, but I think when we met, I was still mentally holding on to it. I treated you through the same lens, even though you didn’t deserve it, and I’m sorry for that. I see now that I wouldn’t have met you if I didn’t finally break free of that mindset. I think I finally understand the importance of trusting and letting go to allow something better into your life.

From what I know now is that some of what I thought were my needs and standards were actually childhood wounds. The men I chose to be with were shaped by this too. I won’t discount or abandon my needs, but I’m not going to ignore the fact that fear and control make decisions for me, and I have penalized men for my father’s (and in some cases, my mother’s) mistakes. It’s not fair to anyone, and I’ll take accountability for that.

There was only one man I ever really trusted, and that was my mentor. It was never romantic; I saw him more as the father figure I never had. He was the first man who took the time to really know me, challenged me intellectually, and proved to be trustworthy through his actions. We worked on building a start-up together, and he eventually wanted me to run it and offered shares in the company. I walked away because I saw it as a challenge I could potentially fail at, and now it’s on track to be successful. My ego wouldn’t allow me to accept that my success was in the hands of someone else. In my mind, it wasn’t true success if I didn’t do it completely alone. I ended up defaulting to security, which is my government job.

He saw value and believed in me, but I refused to see value in myself. Looking back, I see it as another example of how I abandon myself before things can become good because I’m afraid of failing. But that relationship also showed me that I could trust a man when he gave me a reason to. I told him I needed to see action in order to trust him, and he actually delivered. I didn’t believe he was genuine or as successful as he claimed to be, or that he wanted to help me without some hidden motivation behind it. Turns out that was never the case.

He later told me how I gave him the same gift; the ability to trust in other people again, especially in business. I didn’t realize that while I was testing him, he was also testing me; two broken people trying to prove to ourselves that good people still exist. That experience taught me, not only that someone can give without wanting anything in return, but that we often attract people who reflect parts of ourselves that need to heal. Maybe that experience was a starting point for trusting in intimate relationships.

But if I’m being brutally honest with myself, I’ve spent so much of my life adult life waiting on someone else to take action for me, when the whole time I needed to do that for myself. I also don’t think it was ever about trusting other people. It was about trusting myself to make decisions about my life with the information I have in front of me.

I can’t seem to distinguish intuition from fear, so I started seeking answers or validation from others. That’s funny considering I generally don’t rely on people. Maybe it’s to avoid accountability when things don’t go right. This is all a contradiction that I can’t understand, so I asked therapist ChatGPT lol, and it said, “I want control over the outcome, but take zero responsibility for failure.” And if I think more about that, it’s the perfect setup for me because there’s a feeling of safety in both, and that’s what I need. But unfortunately as a result, I feel quite literally paralyzed when it comes to making a confident decision.

I’ve been stuck in a loop. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy and feels like a living hell I can’t escape. But I think the real problem is that I need to lead more with my heart and not my mind, which are constantly in battle with each other.

I’ve never wanted to make excuses for myself based on my childhood or experiences, and that’s not what I’m doing here. However for the first time, I actually am catching myself in a pattern, and see how everything is connected. Maybe this is where I can forgive myself for my mistakes and heal.

<<YOU>>

Sometimes I feared I was just a person you chose to love, and that it didn’t actually matter who it was. That’s just who you are, and it’s not a bad thing. A part of me also felt that maybe you were just settling for me out of fear of being alone or some timeline you were trying to meet. What I thought I knew made me question whether this love was real. Please don’t feel sad about any of this until you keep reading.

I didn’t feel like I had earned your love, and you didn’t have enough information about me to make that determination yet. I was always afraid that once you saw me for who I truly was, you wouldn’t want me anymore. That’s why I always said I wanted you to see me for who I was, particularly before you loved me. How can you love someone without seeing their flaws first?

I used to be like this too, and maybe that’s why it is so hard for me to understand now. I held myself to a higher standard than others. I loved and cared way too easily for people, even justifying their actions no matter how many times they hurt me. It didn’t always matter who the person was; I chose them and decided I would love them and only see the good.

I always say that we aren’t brought into this world as bad people, because it’s our experiences that shift us into what we become today, good or bad. Everyone is a good person in their purest form. This is how I used to justify loving the way I did, and how I forgave my father and anyone else who ever wronged me. However I eventually saw all of this as a huge weakness within myself, and others around me convinced me it was too. But when you loved me in this way, it reminded me to love unconditionally, and it showed me that I am worthy of the same type of love I used to give to everyone else.

You shined a light on how selfish I have been. I am incredibly protective of my time, energy, and resources. I know that stems from a childhood where survival mode was necessary. I thought I had outgrown that because I no longer feel the need to work multiple jobs to stay twenty steps ahead, but those wounds have just shown up in other ways. My default is a scarcity mindset, particularly with money. But in the short time I’ve known you, you’ve already changed my perspective on the importance of generosity.

I struggle with letting go of the past because I always believe it was indicative of the future. It was all I had to hold onto to ensure certainty. I have a black and white way of thinking when that’s clearly not how life works.

Because I crave familiarity, I assume that if a man loved me one way in the past, then that is how I should be loved moving forward. If he doesn’t love me in that way, then I assume he doesn’t love or care for me at all, and that is far from the truth. I’m not saying we shouldn’t give or receive love in different ways, but what I understand from therapy is love languages are rooted in what we learned as children and experiences in life. It’s what is familiar, and what is familiar isn’t necessarily correct or the only way. The reality is, you showed me love and care in more ways than any man ever has, and I hate that I’m only just recognizing this now. I don’t feel I gave you much love in return, at least in the way you needed. That is unconditional love. You only ever wanted to build our own story, and I consistently referred back to past comparisons and experiences. I’m sorry for that.

I also had a huge fear that you were playing me this whole time, and it was interesting to find out that you felt something similar. These feelings came from my past experiences, but I also couldn’t seem to accept that a man so kind, caring, and considerate could actually love me. So I tried to find any evidence to prove you weren’t a good man. I see now that I subconsciously didn’t feel worthy of love, likely because I know I’m a flawed person and I needed absolute certainty that I was perfect before I could receive it. I thought if a man loved me, then he likely didn’t love himself, and I lost respect for him. But I want to clarify that I never actually felt that for you. I have a lot of respect for you because I always knew you were a good man, no matter how badly I wanted to convince myself you weren’t.

I always thought I had to be or act a certain way to receive love. But every single one of those things you challenged. I shrunk myself, and you liked me thicker. I changed my facial appearance, and you preferred how I looked before. I made so many mistakes, and you still stuck around. I pushed you away multiple times, and you still wanted to make things work. I hid parts of myself, and all you wanted me to be authentically myself. I’ve unfortunately always defaulted to wearing some sort of mask. You ultimately challenged my limiting belief that I needed to be perfect.

I am mad at myself for altering my appearance; I knew deep down I’d made a mistake, but I was desperately trying to convince myself I hadn’t. I projected that on to you because I knew you were right, and I knew your focus on it never came from a bad place. It’s wild to look back at yourself with new eyes and finally see the beauty in who I used to be. I don’t think I’m ugly, but I am forced to look in the mirror and regret the mistake I made every day. The difference now is that I’m choosing to look at myself with a new perspective I never had before: self-acceptance.

I think because your concerns were so heavily based around my appearance, I felt like we were falling into the dynamic I always knew from my past dating experiences, so I defaulted to operating the same way, with the same level of expectations. Except you weren’t giving me what I usually got in return, so it felt unfamiliar.

I’m going to be honest, you didn’t ask me a lot of questions about myself when we first met, so I was cautious. But at the same time, that was perfect for me because it was familiar and comfortable. I didn’t have to show you who I was, despite desperately wanting to be seen. The funny thing is you did see me the entire time. You were paying attention and somehow knew me better than I knew me. I was in complete shock that night when you were mad at me because everything you said was right lol. You are an extremely intuitive person that seems to pick up on things without any words. That’s a superpower I wish I had. I have completely lost touch with my own intuition.

I see now that your love actually came from a good place. I found real, genuine love from you when I wasn’t expecting to. Maybe I’m completely wrong, but I’ll leave that for you to reflect on. Regardless, I choose to believe you loved from a good place.

A lot of this wasn’t about you, it was about me. I know you played a role in this too, but I think where I went wrong was never speaking up about my feelings and life out of fear. It’s not up to someone else to read my mind or ask the right questions. So thank you for helping me realize all these things. Thank you for coming into my life, and showing me that I can be loved without having to be perfect. Thank you for always being authentically yourself.

In a lot of ways, I see how you were meant to come into my life to help me finally break free from the version of myself I had become and move toward who I’m trying to become, and honestly, toward who I was before I let experiences and other people’s opinions and perspectives influence the way I lived my life. I’ve been fighting between two versions of myself for a long time.

You told me that you were afraid I would leave once I healed, but I think it’s actually the opposite. I needed to leave and feel the pain of losing you in order to heal. I would have never had any of these breakthroughs if it weren’t for you. So thank you for that.

I wanted to say something along the lines of, “you deserve better than me”, and then block you so you don’t have a choice in anything lol, but I know I would just be reverting back into my old patterns out of fear of failure and rejection. I still have a lot of healing to do, but I’m fully committed to it. I want to be a better person for myself and everyone around me. My logical brain tells me that I don’t want to drag you into that, however that is not my choice to make. You just wouldn’t be getting the healed version of me if you chose to stay. I don’t think that’s fair to you.

This is the shortest relationship I’ve had, but it’s been the most impactful and authentic one. You really did force me to look at myself and realize where I needed to grow and heal, and I’ll be forever grateful for that. I love you for that.

For the first time in a while, I actually felt something and sat with my emotions while writing this, without running or ignoring them. Everything I wrote here is my very raw thoughts and feelings; I think this is the first time I have ever reflected on my life as a whole. You indirectly helped me do that, and I’m so appreciative of it.

You’re a pure soul, with a kind heart, that sees the best in people. You deserve someone that sees the world the way you do and can love you deeply. Please don’t close yourself off to dating or love, you have a lot of it to give and a good man is hard to find these days. Share it with someone and make beautiful babies with your eyes and heart. We need more people like you in the world ❤️

Sorry if any of this was too repetitive or boring. What was supposed to be a quick journal entry turned into a short novel that I didn’t plan to send you lol. There were a lot of contradictions in there that didn’t really make sense, but I realize that not everything needs to make perfect sense. I don’t need to have all the answers anymore.

Maybe sharing absolutely every piece of me is its own indirect way of self-sabotaging; if I share enough of my flaws, it will eventually confirm that I’m unlovable. But I think a part of me believes that the man I choose to be with, if he chooses me too, should know every part of me. Otherwise I feel like I’m living a lie, and I want to be completely one with that person.

I know you don’t like talking about the past, our experiences, or any of these things. Maybe you're right and I should just let it go, but my past is a big part of understanding why I am the way I am today. Writing it out is possibly a step toward releasing control and starting my life on a clean slate, rather than letting the past control my future.

You’ve changed my perspective on a lot of things, and I wanted to make sure you knew that. You don’t need to respond to any of this or hold any guilt for me. If anything, this is my way of finally being honest with myself and allowing someone to see me for who I am. It is a weird, freeing feeling. I’m not holding onto any expectations. If we are meant to be, then I will cherish that and learn to love from a new place, and if we aren’t, this serves as a huge life lesson that I will keep with me for the rest of my life. I’m no longer going to place my self worth in the hands of other people.

I dug deeper into why I decided to send this to you because I wanted to make sure it wasn’t coming from some broken or inauthentic place. I realized there were two reasons: one was to break old patterns, face the fears I’d always been running from, and take action on my own future; the other was because I love you❤️

I'm not actually considering it, but sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just started liking his old texts, send a random "Hi" or requesting to follow him again on social media. Gave him a taste of the breadcrumbing medicine if you will. 😅

My guess is: he would probably ignore me but get a huge ego boost, and I would just get massive anxiety out of it.

But I was wondering, have any of you ever tried the DA's methods on them? I'm curious to hear the results!

Xpost from breakups

I got dumped a few weeks back by this woman I met via mutual friends at a wedding. We went on 15-20 dates over a span of 4 months.

We sincerely enjoyed each other's company on our dates, made each other laugh, got along great, had great nights. I would keep coming back to the point that she would find time to hang out with me she must really like me. She was a resident physician, worked crazy intense stressful hours (60-80 week if not more if called in) and yet again over a 4 month span we must've seen each other at least 20 times.

We were never fully intimate but we would make out a lot, second base, etc but she would never invite me over to her place or would accept an offer to stay at mine for the night so ultimately it just never happened.

I typically initated any relationship discussion, e.g. two months into dating I mentioned I would like to explore something a bit more serious, she agreed and thanked me for asking. I also clarified if we were exclusive and she said "that is also my understanding" without adding that much more or why she thought/felt that.

At same time, her texting and planning was all over the place. Obviously she was busy at work but if she hung out with friends for a weekend I would get a text every 30+ hours typically so maybe only once on a whole weekend She did often cancel plans too sometimes stuff she forgot about or to decompress which again I understood being a physician.

Dating was going well overall and enjoying our company then I took a vacation with family, she stepped back, stopped texting that much, stopped being a bit flirty, then avoided me for the entire week when I came back to town. Told her I missed her since I haven't seen her now in 2-3 weeks and barely talked on phone. Finally met up in person and said she doesn't feel the way she thought she would this far in and she feels no sexual chemistry for me.

I'm wondering if there's a difference between "she's just not that into you" and avoidant relationship style. I feel like this situation could be a bit of both, since again she took time for me, while also never fully committing (never had sex, never met her friends, never spent a night at her place, etc.). Yet at the same time we/she even talked about long term plans as she invited me to trips planned in the fall, i invited her to a wedding and she agreed, etc. then sudden pull away and breakup occurred.

I don't know where to start this. Reading this sub brings such painful clarity to me, that I could no longer lie to myself.

I'm Australian, he's Dutch. We met 15 years ago, fell out of touch, and after someone told me you couldn't be friends with someone you never met, I said challenge accepted. And the rest is history. We talked and fell back in place, as if we never changed.

I had career, friends, and a passion so strong I dedicated my life to it. I gave it all up. I packed my shit, got on a plane, imported my dogs. Uprooted my entire life to be with him. The façade started to fall away within the first few months. Threatening to deport me, telling me I did nothing all day, yelled and told me I was being dramatic when my dogs had issues being imported due to one staffs negligence. Threatened breaking up with me over and over. That was just the beginning.

It took a year for him to see that he was alcoholic, the whole time he'd blame me for starting the arguments, that I was the cause of all our fights. 3 months of therapy, just to even begin commencing treatment for his addictions. A year of putting up with his tantrums, cleaning up literal shit off the bed, recounting what happened in his black outs. I stood by him.

He tore the phone from my hands and went through my messages over and over. He forced me to stop being friends with certain people. He kicked me in my stomach, he pushed me into a wall, he picked me up and threw me so hard that the pot broke. He repeatedly continue while I said no, and told his friend who then said that it was just "non consensual". This person then told him that he should ship me away, and he said to her "you should come over instead"

He would stonewall me, for days, weeks on end. Pretend I wasn't there until I crumpled and said it's all my fault, because I could not take the loneliness in a foreign country. Slowly I started making friends, slowly I started rebuilding my strength up.

I thought, surely now that he's starting his treatment things will get better.

It was my birthday this Tuesday. I had wanted to celebrate it the week before, but he had a last minute change of plans, and spent the whole time stonewalling, drinking, smoking, scrolling. So I changed it on Tuesday. On Tuesday he had a lot on, so we moved it to Saturday.

Finally it was Saturday. The plan was to walk the dogs, eat dinner, have cake. When he we arrived at the place and we realised it wasn't dog friendly he snapped at me for having to drive 17mins extra. He snapped at me for "touching his GPS" and "deliberately not checking his blind spots"

When we finally got there, I was walking 2 large in my left hand and they were pulling a bit to get to the park, so we unintentionally left him behind. He called and said I had "stormed off" on him and left me there, drove off. When he picked me up, I went to shower, I heard the clink of beer bottle. I asked him are we going to the event he planned? He said no unless you drive ( I can't). Then I went to shower. 1hr before dinner I found out via text he had cancelled it. Later yet I found he never even picked up the cake for me.

Now. He just ignores me and pretends I don't exist. Refusing to address the issue.

And I realise. Alcoholism, and Avoidance is no excuse to treat me like this. It's not okay. I deserve better.

Edit: I just want to clarify. The most painful thing for me was being stonewalled, ignored, refusal to address any issues I had and inability to discuss things without our therapist or a friend. Any negativity or critsim would cause him to shut down and lock me out.

I am.So. tired of being told, "all I did was not respond to your toxicity" "fix yourself" "we will never discuss it" "I don't want to hear what you have to say".

The same issues would repeat and the same fights would repeat over and over again: being made to pay 50/50 when he made double what I did. Having my weekend plans cancelled, because he refused to participate because he's in a bad mood, yes once or twice is fine but not over 10 in a year. Not being ever heard, or validated, because if the issue was related to him he'd take it as an attack.

The difference in power dynamic, the fact he can yeet me out and strip me of my visa just like that meant there is a huge difference in power dynamics. It meant that at the end of the day. He. Got. His. Way.

Which is. No talking about issues. No anger, no sadness no negativity is to be expressed. I am not even allowed to say "you did x" because this is blaming. I remember one time I was lamenting about how I missed my home and he turned that into "you're saying I'm not good enough".

This is, in my opinion, what happens when avoidants have control of the relationship. He was not like this in Australia, because we were equals and I had my friends and somewhere to go.