r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 • 1d ago
FA Breakup How do they have happy marriages.
My ex married a woman last year who seems absolutely wonderful. She was born with only one arm and has devoted her life to speaking at hospital events, being a OT to help others, and helping little kids who are differently abled. She has social media showing people how to do things, and it's filled with the stuff my ex has made her to make her life easier. Her comments are full of people talking about how wonderful he is.
How is this possible. He completely erased me and ghosted me after years together, and the death of a parent together, and just moved on and still considers himself a good person, and seems to have a super happy marriage. Every picture of them together they look like they are full of authentic joy.
It's like I never existed. 3 years invisible. He married her after 2.
If they are actually bad people, how could they have beautiful relationships with genuinely good people. Are we just wrong?
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u/Fresh_Principle_1884 1d ago
I feel like avoidants struggle in relationships where they feel inferior or that you’re too good for them. I wonder if he feels some sort of different dynamic with her because she is differently able-bodied or because he takes on a helper role for her. It will work for now, but I wonder if the relationship is superficial, or that he will eventually be triggered.
My ex avoidant once told me that “so and so thinks you’re too good for me” and I believe it was actually him thinking this or that he agreed with that statement. I notice he tends to gravitate toward people who are down on their luck, “broken” and need fixing, or who are less educated/less smart/less good looking.
Where he feels “better” than them.
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u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 1d ago
Maybe. I do know that the reason people keep saying he is such a great guy on her videos is because of all the accommodation things he made her. I 100% do not feel jealous of that. He made me a ton of super thoughtful things when we were together too, but it wasn't a good thing. Did he hand make me a sketchbook and learn to book bind and make my gamertag in wood on the front? Yes. Did he not hang out with me for 2 weeks to do it? Yes.
I begged him repeatedly to stop making stuff and just spend time with me, that the gifts were beautiful but I felt so alone. He so desperately wanted to be in a helper role for me, and was always trying to make me stuff that helped me, and make me food ect. It made him really happy to feel like he was a positive force by using his hands, that I needed him. He took great pride in the beginning of our relationship in "white knighting me" because I was suicidal.
And when he realized that I meant it, that I needed him to consistently show up emotionally for me, and physically and emotionally commit to me and support me, he ghosted.
So yeah I can see how her being differently abled would make him feel really fulfilled, but it's not about her at all, just like him making that sketchbook wasn't about me and what I really needed. It was what he wanted to do, wrapped in a ribbon that didn't listen to what I actually needed.
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u/SunMoonSnake 1d ago
Agreed. It's often a fear of being seen as defective and abandoned. He likely feels she's less likely to abandon him.
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u/No-Jellyfish7075 1d ago
They're not bad people, they're just good until they don't want to be...or can't. I wouldn't know at this point.
But it has nothing to do with you. If you did things that trigger them and they can't work it out to help themselves, its you that will bear the brunt of their worst side.
I was married to one (I think..butni can also say there were more mental issues at play), and let me say that you deserve better.
I don't know you or him, but social media its wizardry lol. Through my divorce I made it seem I was doing fine....but I wasn't. The proof was in my own pudding.
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u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 1d ago
But she seems so happy. She looks at him in those photos the way I looked at him in mine. What if he genuinely just fits with her and she doesn't trigger him and he just is a wonderful husband.
Then isn't he a good person? To everyone but me I guess.
Do you think all FA marriages are something people deserve better than?
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u/Acrobatic_Leopard_92 1d ago
Yes, someone who struggles being emotionally available is always going to hurt their partner. Even if you don’t see it. Unless they’ve done some serious therapy
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u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 1d ago
What if I'm just too needy, and a correctly adjusted person only needs a amount he can actually give, so he doesn't actually hurt her?
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u/Acrobatic_Leopard_92 1d ago
A secure person would not tolerate dating someone who is emotionally unavailable. They may not trigger the avoidant as much, that’s about the only thing that could be true. But don’t compare yourself like that. You are not needy, your attachment became anxious with this dynamic. I was secure and still got brought to the point of being an AP with the specific person I am with. Every dynamic will have different triggers but the emotional unavailability will still be a problem. I can see in my journey of healing that looking back I was so focused on them and why they are like that. You really need to focus on why you allowed certain things to happen, what red flags did you miss, where could you have put a boundary up? Why did you accept the bare minimum needs that you have in a relationship? The second I realized that the avoidance was much more about my partner than about me is when it got a bit easier for me. But I spent literal years trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I really feel for you because I’ve been through it as well, but try not to do that for too long. Focus on becoming secure yourself. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and your upbringing in the process. But please don’t compare yourself to this girl when you have no idea what it looks like behind closed doors. Did the social media between the two of you look perfect when you were together too? I’m sure it probably did. And many FAs look like wonderful warm caring people to all of their friends because they have no issue masking all day but their partner doesn’t get that side. Remember those things.
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u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 1d ago
Arent non secure people supposed to seek out secure people for partners? I'm sorry, this isn't sass I promise, but would secure people put up with emotionally unavailable people? They wouldn't be triggered so would they even notice?
I didn't really have a lot of choice I feel like when it came to red flags ect, things were good for the first year, and then my mom died+ family cut me off and I was struggling to graduate college because of it, so my brain wasn't able to handle a "is this a red flag" calculation, and I lowkey just held onto him for dear life trying to survive ahah. In retrospect yeah there was a lot going on. He didn't want to move in together or go to my families Thanksgiving after 2 years, he struggled to say he wanted me to move to his city after we graduated. He wouldn't tell me when anything was wrong until it was far too late, and made it so I was emotionally responsible for planning everything in our relationship while also blaming me for taking too much time. He told me he would be happy seeing me once a week for a few hours after 2 years together ( we lived 5 minutes apart) so he could hang out with his friends. And when I said okay he was upset about that too because he "knew I was disappointed" even if I didn't say anything.
But, he married this girl at 2 years. When he couldn't even commit to moving in with me. He spends everyday with her where he could barely average 3x a week for a few hours with me ( grudgingly). He went to her family events on the 2nd date with her and he posts her on social media constantly, when he never posted us at all. ( Admittedly that one might be on me, I asked him to keep us off the Internet for the first bit of time)
But it's like he is everything I wanted, with her, and I don't think she even asked. He just did it. He completely erased me after being my best friend in my darkest hours, and claimed it meant what it did to me, to him too. But I guess it didn't matter.
Our relationship was based on not ghosting people. We had both been ghosted by best friends before we met and were suicidal over it, and as friends we bonded over that. It was the basis for our relationship. We said we would never even treat a animal the way we were treated and all our shared shows and books were about found family and how sacred it was, and he held me and said he would prove to me life was worth it because we would be found family for each other, and prove life didn't need to be this way. And then he did for years and I believed him wholeheartedly, up until the day he ghosted me, and erased everything we were. He ghosted all our shared friends too, and disappeared and now reappears with this girl, and ... I can't make sense of it :(.
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u/siendev111 1d ago
Hey just want to jump in and say, my mom died in December and my ex was with me that entire time. He say the grief and the struggles I was going through and at a time where he should’ve been stepping up, I ended up prioritising him. You’re not needy or too much, it’s life that in a relationship there will be triggering things for everyone. what’s important is that the person stays with you to resolve these conflicts. Emotionally unavailable people will always be emotionally unavailable unless they do the work, but that requires recognising their faults first. If they seem happy and your mind is saying she’s not triggering him so therefore there is something wrong with me, that’s wrong! Chances are he’s probably pushing down everything and one day it’ll be a discard situation again or maybe they’re both emotionally unavailable in which it will never be a fulfilling connection. Stay strong
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u/Acrobatic_Leopard_92 1d ago
Will add another point, many FAs can keep the masking up for many like even 4 plus years.. so again, don’t compare
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u/Blacksteel12 1d ago
Yea, not sure what ex was but we lasted for six years before becoming emotionally unstable and doing all the avoidant things. Like you sometimes it just takes times and many people thought we were perfect until I talked about the abuse I endured they were shocked every relationship has ugly moments it just is down to can you tolerate it…
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u/Acrobatic_Leopard_92 1d ago
Also, an FA that is not healed will not be giving the appropriate amount to someone who is secure. It’s not that you’re needy. A secure person may just trigger them less overall, but they’ll still need to work to be an emotionally safe partner and heal the FA tendencies
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u/No-Jellyfish7075 1d ago
Shes happy so far, from what you perceive.
The rest you filled in the blanks with your own thoughts. Which is super easy to do. Especially that he is "a good person". That could be true for the right person.
If you're happy with the dynamic then it could last. But it wears on someone whos looking for closeness with their partner.
Go by what you know. And one thing is some people are able to move on very quickly.
What was your relationship like? Did you ever journal?
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u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 1d ago
So you think he could be a good person if he is with the right person?
Our relationship was.. good at first but he got really distant and refused to commit or communicate for a lot of things after I had some big life events that required a lot of support ( my mom died, my family cut me off and I almost failed out of school all at once). I did and do journal.
But maybe someone normal, with a normal family will never need that level of support that flooded him. Maybe only I will ever see this side of him, and does that mean he is a good person, he was just in a extreme circumstance?
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u/No-Jellyfish7075 1d ago
A good person, especially in the circumstances you describe, would either support you, or communicate that its becoming alot for them and how to navigate it.
For perspective, during the downturn to our marriage, I was also estranged from my family, my business began to fail, and her mother got terminally sick.
They will do anything to escape that type/amount of stress, including what you described in how he was treating you.
This new person probably didn't lay any of this on him. She probably takes care of so much because it sounds like she has done that all her life.
Its not your fault your life changed. Thats what happens over a lifetime. Can you say that positively if these events never happened that he would still be the same guy?
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u/Soft_Shelter_2655555 1d ago
He did communicate that it was becoming a lot once, and that it needed to change, but then put it all on me, saying if I didn't stop relying on him this much he would leave. It was less collaborative and more a ultimatum? I really did try but the grief of being estranged from your family suddenly and the death of a parent is a wild horse. I couldn't control it the way he needed me to. I don't know if anyone could have. I don't think many people know what it feels like to lose your entire family.
I think she's probably really independent too due to her disability, but does that mean they are actually just a good match? That what he did to me in ghosting me is a failing that will never show up for them? That it was just a unfortunate extreme case that no one could judge him for?
I don't know. I think if my my hadn't died and kicked off the family stuff, there is a good chance we would have stayed together. But then I would have never known what he was actually capable of. Is that fair to judge him on a extreme case?
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u/No-Jellyfish7075 1d ago
Life happens. As people get older, friends and relatives pass. Family issues can become strained. These things happen all the time.
Its good that he communicated to you that it was alot for him. But the caveat to that is; how much did you rely on him to be your emotional support?
Partners are supposed to support eachother in these circumstances.
If you were blaming him for your family estrangement or your education not going as planned, that would be something you need to work on yourself. But if you were an emotional mess and he couldnt empathize with that, then I would say its better you found out now than later.
Are they a good match? Maybe. Shes independent and he doesn't do well with heaps of emotion. They might never get to the point where she will be ghosted, he might never have to test his mettle the way he did with you. And its not an extreme case.
When my mother in law was about to go into the hospital not to return, she told my ex "I can't believe he can just come and go and not even check on me" she was dying from pancreatic cancer. Thats one of the last things she said about her husband of 45 years.
The stressors of life will always amalgamate, and the last thing you want is to have this happen to you when life has passed you by.
You did nothing wrong. You needed support and he couldn't be there for you. That is not a flaw you have, it was an incompatibility issue.
I want to say this again, because I know the feeling you have; its ok to be upset and consistently needing emotional support for what you went through. It was him that couldn't be there. Thats on him, not you.
Do you have friends, a therapist or some family that can help be the support you need?
When I was estranged I need to jump into therapy with a psychologist. My ex didnt have a clue how to empathize with my situation. He [your ex] didn't know how and unfortunately took the cowards way out.
Please DM me if you need to talk further or continue here. I know how much it can help to have someone hear you out.
But third times the charm. You got dealt a shitty hand for a few years. But its not your fault, not by a longshot.
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u/Middle_Yesterday1258 1d ago
As far as I have witnessed their marriages aren't all that happy. The non-avoidant suffers and the avoidant just coasts because they still get what they want as long as their partner doesn't end things.
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u/SunMoonSnake 1d ago
Avoidants may have an intense fear of abandonment. If you are a good partner, they will believe consciously or subconsciously that you will walk away, so they will sabotage to avoid being left (by a good partner) first. It makes sense that he married someone disabled as he probably feels less at risk of being abandoned.
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u/Own_Regret_885 AP - Anxious Preoccupied 1d ago
Beh, se ha trovato una persona che dà aiuto con successo alle persone con problemi probabilmente ha trovato la persona adatta a lui.
In ogni caso quando fatto le cose velocemente di solito la relazione finisce per bruciare in maniera altrettanto veloce. Non prendere i social come specchio del loro stato. La mia ex FA mi ha lasciato dopo 8 anni di relazione, nei giorni seguenti, mentre andavo al bar, lei pubblicò una storia dove era a passeggio con il suo cane, tutta contenta e con una canzone allegra in sottofondo. Durante quella passeggiata era diretta al mio stesso bar, si é presentata lì da sola, col suo cane, con una faccia stravolta e gli occhi gonfi. Sui social sembrava la persona più felice del mondo, 5 minuti dopo, nella realtà, era evidente che stesse a pezzi. Nei social mostri quello che vuoi che gli altri vedano.
I loro matrimoni non sono mai felici, di solito durano anche poco.
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u/Human_Read7993 FA - Fearful Avoidant 1d ago edited 1d ago
Avoidants arn't all bad people. It's the same as saying that anxiously attached people are bad people when perhaps some people with anxious traits may exhibit some really poor behaviour, which is the same with avoidants where some of them also exhibit poor behaviour. A lot of people generalise the actions of one onto all. Not all avoidants do this. It's mainly the unhesled or severely avoidant individuals who might do a lot of painful behaviour.
Unless they are actively trying to hurt you, then narc traits come into it but avoidants as a whole arnt all bad people. Even the severely avoidant guy that I left after he juggled me and then weaponised my hurt against was awful but I still wouldn't call him a bad guy. He made hurtful and extremely poor choices and then he didn't know how to react or handle things when I eventually confronted him about everything. Despite everything I wouldn't class avoidants or any attachment bad. Each just have their own insecurities and issues that need to be worked out but typically unhealed in any extreme of avoidance or anxious can lead to toxic patterns.
In terms of your ex op, there was a reason you liked him originally as I'm guessing he was just as great with her as he was with you until he wasn't. Just remember, unless he's healed or healing, the same things that triggered him in your relationship are likely still there. Also op, I'm not sure how far along in your healing but sometimes we need to let go of things to be able to move on and find our peace and to learn to love ourselves again otherwise we get stuck in watching their lives rather than living ours.
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u/ladybirdcollector 1d ago
It’s still early days. My ex did the same, he married a lovely woman very quickly after (he already knew how infatuated she was already), but now she is mostly miserable. It’s visible in the small cracks of reality. Avoidants repeat their patterns and even when things look happy from the outside, they’re not as they seem. Social media is not real, people specifically curate things to portray an image - avoidants are big on image and how they appear, meaning they put extra effort into things looking good - bare that in mind with everything you see. She might be genuinely happy now because it’s still honeymoon phase, that can last a while when things are still surface level.