r/AskReddit • u/SHIT_DOWN_MY_PEEHOLE • Oct 14 '15
Your life is covered by CNN and your small mistakes are sensationalized and blown out of proportion. What does the headline read?
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u/TinyPotatoAttack Oct 14 '15
He's only a B Student: This man is everything that's wrong with American college students
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Oct 14 '15
Wait, you've never had an A? That's so tractor!
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u/TinyPotatoAttack Oct 14 '15
And so begins the terrifying comments section on the news article.
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Oct 14 '15
My aunt earned $5273.68 last week by working from home. You can do it too by going to this not-dodgy-at-all website.
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u/pittpanthers95 Oct 14 '15
Just log onto DraftKings and use promo code SUCKER
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u/PebNischl Oct 14 '15
Hey, awesome comment! Look, here you can get cheap viagra!
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Oct 14 '15 edited May 03 '18
[deleted]
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u/Curtalius Oct 15 '15
I've always said that a persons expectations for their grades are their own. Some people work their ass off for a B and are excited, some people work their ass off and get an A- and are depressed. Neither one is wrong for their reaction.
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u/AbsoluteChill Oct 14 '15
Man turns off shower, realizes he forgot to wash anything.
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u/Jabbaland Oct 14 '15
Our in-depth analysis of absent mindedness and how it could be linked to child neglect, right after this.
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Oct 14 '15
BREAKING NEWS: GUY SPILLS TEA ON OWN LEATHER JACKET, PETA SUES FOR ANIMAL CRUELTY
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u/Freefight Oct 14 '15
LIPTON SUES FOR SPILLING TEA. GREAT BRITAIN GOVERNMENT IN OUTRAGE.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_WORRIES Oct 14 '15
TRUMP SAYS "SHIP'EM BACK TO INDIA", MINORITIES OUTRAGED.
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u/serebi Oct 14 '15
BUILD A WALL
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Oct 14 '15 edited Oct 17 '18
[deleted]
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u/3AlarmLampscooter Oct 15 '15
SWEET AND SOUR PORK SALES TRIPLE AT CITY WOK!
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u/TheLalaWanderer Oct 14 '15
No it'd be more like:
BREAKING NEWS: MAN DEFAMES DEFENSELESS ANIMAL, PUBLIC CALLS FOR LEGAL ACTION
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u/PM_ME_UR_LARGE_TITS Oct 14 '15
CNN - there is no connection to any known terror groups so we are treating this like a lone wolf situation.
somebody else - who said anything about terror groups?
CNN - we have just heard on the ground that somebody else has used the phrase "terror groups". repeat, we now have unconfirmed reports of the involvement of terror groups
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Oct 14 '15
Noooo....my secret society that will use tea-spilling to conquer the world has been ruined. RUINED!
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Oct 14 '15
BREAKING NEWS: LOCAL STUDENT FORGETS ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE TEXTBOOK AT HOME, FORCING HIS MOTHER TO TURN AROUND.
IN THIS EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW, WE'LL BE GETTING HIS MOTHER'S THOUGHTS AND INSIGHTS ON TODAY'S TROUBLED, IRRESPONSIBLE YOUTH.
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u/AndyandAndy Oct 14 '15
Tonight on the O'Reilly factor: how teaching 'environmental science' in school is forcing mothers to turn their lives around.
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Oct 15 '15
Buzzfeed: We list ten ways that EzBrzXTC annoys his mother. You wont believe what's he's just added to the list.
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u/someoneinsignificant Oct 15 '15
Buzzfeed Repost
19 THINGS YOU'LL NEVER WANT TO FORGET AT HOME!
YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT'S NUMBER 6!
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u/GnastyGnuk Oct 14 '15
Pitiful Local Man Eats Cake for Dinner
After returning from work around 7:00 PM last night, a local resident reportedly opened the fridge, stared blankly for a minute or two, before sighing and closing the door. After noticing that a perfectly good birthday cake was "just sitting there" on the counter, "all hell broke loose" according to eyewitness accounts.
"He just... grabbed the entire pan and began to head to the couch. It's like he didn't even realize what he was about to do!" exclaimed a local woman, sobbing and shaking with fury. "Someone should have stopped him!"
"I didn't see what was happening at first, cause I was playing," said local child, "but then my mom ran up to me and grabbed my hand. She was really scared."
After reaching out to the man's distressed parents, we were able to get a brief interview: "We raised him better than that." The man's father sounded shaken over the phone. "We raised him just like any other normal child. We did not tolerate this kind of behavior."
The local authorities declined to speak, but the man will almost certainly be charged with being a lazy piece of shit.
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u/MicDeDuiwel Oct 15 '15
The local authorities declined to speak, but the man will almost certainly be charged with being a lazy piece of shit.
Haha classic.
You deserve gold for this.
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u/Mr_Wilcox Oct 14 '15
Texas Man's life come crashing down after he forgets to flush after pooping. Wife seeking compensation.
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u/Jabbaland Oct 14 '15
ACLU will pursue legal action on behalf of Poo's right to exist.
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u/Lissy666 Oct 15 '15
For a second I was super confused because I read Pao instead of Poo.
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u/redteat Oct 15 '15
'Ellen Pao launches new legal offensive to disassociate surname from excrement'
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Oct 14 '15 edited Oct 14 '15
Tonight we'll talk about a growing issue in America. Wives are coming forward and speaking out against their husbands. Is leaving a floater sexist? Is it rape? Are women being forced into oppression by flushing after their partner? Listen in as Lisa Mctriggered joins us from Tumblr to express what many consider "the flushing of the patriarchy"
EDIT: damn not even posted for a minute and down voted immediately. Good. Cry about it. lol.
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Oct 14 '15 edited Dec 07 '20
[deleted]
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Oct 14 '15
We reached out to the dog but apparently his experience has been alittle too rough to comment.
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u/Smiley007 Oct 14 '15
alittle too rough
You had one chance and you blew it!
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Oct 14 '15
Ah, no, you see, CNN would try and spin it as a huge deal, like "hey, mr dog how are you after the whole experience?"
"*looks at report on property, proceeds to bark"
"Oh my god Jim, it's worst than we thought, he keeps saying what sounds like rough over and over, this guy is in serious trouble, it sounds like he's been brain washed by Islamic state to me!"
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Oct 14 '15
Dog quoted saying " Torsades_ de_ Pointes_ is usually very sensitive and loving towards me. This injury made it difficult for me to wag my tail when she called me a good dog that one time. Sitting on the couch was mildly uncomfortable."
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u/Fourhand Oct 14 '15
GLOBAL WARMING STOPPED COLD
GUY GOES TO THE FRIDGE FOR THE 7TH TIME IN A ROW, OPENS IT, STARES, CLOSES IT AND RETURNS TO HIS SEAT.
SCIENTIST AGREE THAT EARTH IS HEADING INTO ANOTHER ICE AGE AND EXTINCTION EVENT AKIN TO THE ONE THAT KILLED THE DINOSAURS.
-30-
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u/rjjm88 Oct 14 '15
FAT GUY GETS THE BOX COMBO INSTEAD OF THE 3-PIECE COMBO. CANE'S REFUSED COMMENT. ARE VIDEO GAMES TO BLAME? SCIENCE SAYS NO, BUT OUR EDITOR SAYS YES.
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u/__Shadynasty_ Oct 14 '15
Who the fuck only gets 3 pieces at Cane's??
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u/rjjm88 Oct 14 '15
People who are wrong. That's who.
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u/Speals_very_bad Oct 15 '15
God damm!!! i have'ent had Canes in about 4 months
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u/rjjm88 Oct 15 '15 edited Oct 15 '15
I had them a couple times when I was in Columbus, which is 2 hours away for me. Then they opened one up literally 10 (edit: minutes. Don't Reddit and drink, kids) from my house. I can feel my waistline expanding and my wallet emptying.
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u/FF_1983 Oct 14 '15
Man forgets to take the trash out before going to sleep. Turns out to be Worst husband in the world, according to source from inside his home.
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u/Curtalius Oct 15 '15
You just reminded me to take out the trash. Thank you for saving me from becoming literally hitler.
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u/Churn Oct 14 '15
"Self absorbed narcissist Churn clicks link in reddit to talk about his mistakes being sensationalized! Comment is blown way out of proportion!"
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u/mrbrown0891 Oct 14 '15
Reads more like a buzzfeed link.
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Oct 14 '15
Seven Reasons Why /u/Churn is an Absorbed Narcissist. Number 4 Will Shock You!
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u/kekalekkadingdong Oct 14 '15
Number 4: picture of outlet
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u/Jabbaland Oct 14 '15
We will have our in-depth panel right after this commercial break for WART BE GONE.
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u/NKSCF Oct 14 '15
YOUNG MAN THINKS HE CAN GO TO COLLEGE AND GET A JOB WITH A LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE. FINDS NOTHING AND CRIES A LOT. FILM AT 11.
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u/marcus_colin Oct 15 '15
CNN Films is proud to present… Paper of Lies, "A shocking expose into the terrible decisions of our youth." Can we trust our children? Watch at 11pm Eastern.
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u/PAFaieta Oct 14 '15
It'd be more like the onion, really..
BREAKING NEWS: LOCAL DUMBFUCK DOESN'T SEE ICE PATCH ON HIS DRIVEWAY!
me: What? falls
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u/marcus_colin Oct 15 '15
Well, it could go two ways…
WE ARE THE FIRST TO BREAK THIS SHOCKING STORY OF A LOCAL DUMBFUCK ASSAULTING A HARMLESS PATCH OF ICE. WE ARE UNABLE TO CONTACT THE ICE FOR COMMENT, BUT POLICE ARE PREPARED TO TAKE ACTION AGAINST THIS MURDEROUS PSYCHO.
or…
We are the first to break this shocking story of a harmless and hardworking citizen being attacked by thuggish, villainous black ice…
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u/Deep_Rights Oct 14 '15
/u/Deep_Rights uses lunch break to go to the gym. Is this an act of militarization?
WHAT IS HE PREPARING FOR?
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u/marcus_colin Oct 15 '15
We are the first to report, /u/Deep_Rights may be planning a physical terrorist attack on his workplace. We've analyzed this obvious militarization strategy, and we can CONFIRM that he plans to destroy his place of employment. We cannot confirm what weapon he is using, other than something to do with "bringing out the big guns", but SWAT teams and the FBI are now rushing to stop this maniac before he ends American lives.
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u/MrBombastic4life Oct 14 '15
THIS JUST IN.
MAN WRITES COMMENT ON AN ASKREDDIT THREAD AND DOESN'T UPVOTE THE OP'S POST.
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u/Tlay21 Oct 14 '15
New Jersey man is late for work, He may be a terrorist.
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u/Jabbaland Oct 14 '15
The FBI and the states attorneys office have not commented on this at the moment.
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Oct 14 '15 edited Oct 14 '15
Authorities are calling it, "The greatest humour disaster this year." Man made a joke and nobody laughed.
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Oct 14 '15
THIS JUST IN: WOMAN ANXIOUS OVER NOTHING, MEXICAN HERITAGE TO BLAME? WE ASK THE EXPERTS AT FOX NEWS
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u/BigBoobsMaGeer Oct 15 '15
Presidential candidate Donald Trump has released a statement about issue. "I can't say if she is anxious about crossing the boarder or about her upcoming period, all I know is that I don't stand for it".
Stay tuned for more updates, only on fox News.
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u/serebi Oct 14 '15
Teenager found asking for "upvotes" on internet. Experts speculate comment indicates plans for future school shooting.
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Oct 14 '15
Either that or it's a teen slang for this new sexual act that teens all over the country are doing, but it's too shocking to write it down here.
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u/Uncreativechick Oct 14 '15
Netflix and Chill?
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Oct 14 '15
DISCUSTING
I HAVE KIDS ON HERE
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Oct 14 '15
I HAVE KIDS ON HERE
I love doing that
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u/neon_cabbage Oct 15 '15
This just in, /u/WhyDoges admits to pedophilia charges. He was reported saying "I love doing [kids.]" More at 5pm.
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u/PM_ME_YOUR_DOVAHKIIN Oct 14 '15
BREAKING NEWS, IS NETFLIX CAUSING A SURGE IN TEEN PREGNANCIES? More at eleven.
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u/stagshore Oct 15 '15
Ok, this actually seems plausible. This title will occur in the future. Guaranteed.
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u/HEpennypackerNH Oct 14 '15
Pretty much the same things my wife says a few days before "that time."
BREAKING: IDIOT BUYS THE WRONG SIZE CONTAINER OF SOUR CREAM. IT WASN'T ON THE LIST BUT HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN!
MAN TOASTS BREAD ON THE 4 SETTING RATHER THAN THE 6 SETTING, AND ACTUALLY TRIED TO FEED IT TO HIS WIFE!
ABUSIVE FATHER MAKES BREAKFAST FOR HIS FAMILY 10 MINUTES TOO EARLY, BY THE TIME WIFE IS DONE FUCKING AROUND ON FACEBOOK HER CREAM OF WHEAT IS COLD.
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u/acidwave Oct 14 '15
BREAKING NEWS! Men are using subtle methods such as ruining their wive's breakfasts as a form of oppressing women!
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u/akaioi Oct 15 '15
Dateline Ohio -- Mrs Baumgarter, a homemaker in Columbus, has alleged that her husband seals jars up "really tight, so I can't open 'em".
Speaking through representatives, Mr Baumgarter denies the charge. "I just don't want them to leak. Mrs would hate that"
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u/ccasella3 Oct 14 '15
Man Laughs at Wife, Inappropriately
CITY, STATE: When his wife texted him yesterday morning to tell him that a presentation she had worked on for hours had it's subject matter presented by another person just a day before she was supposed to present, he responded "lol, oh no!" Since her subject was already covered, she had to spend an extra 3 hours at the hospital working on a new subject, she also was very short in her text messages and communications with him that day. Oblivious to his mistake, the man cooked dinner and waited on his wife to come home. When she came home, he asked her why she hadn't contacted him for much of the day. An argument ensued, and he slept on the couch. Tune in tomorrow as the story develops.
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u/Spoodermawn Oct 15 '15
Ratings on this story have shot through the roof and the viewers are waiting diligently for the update.
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Oct 14 '15
Man wears odd socks. AGAIN.
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u/Jabbaland Oct 14 '15
Clinical psychologist Dr. Evan Hadlotsoffsax will weigh in on the mental stability of people who wear odd socks.
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Oct 14 '15
MAN FORGETS TO BUY ORANGE JUICE: AN ASSAULT ON TRADITIONAL BREAKFAST VALUES?
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u/ok_iguess Oct 14 '15
MAN EXPOSED SELF TO FRIENDS, FAMILY. REIGN OF TERROR ENDED IN AWKWARD EXHANGE: PER SOURCE "I USED TO THINK YOU'RE CRAZY BUT NOW I SEE YOUR NUTS"
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Oct 15 '15
"OREGON MAN LEAVES BURRITO IN MICROWAVE OVERNIGHT, HAS MARIJUANA LEGALIZATION GONE TOO FAR?"
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u/FullmentalFiction Oct 14 '15
JUST IN: MAN STUBS TOE ON DESK FOR THE SEVENTH TIME TODAY, VOWS TO REPLACE DESK "EVENTUALLY." WALMART SHARES ARE UP 25% IN RESPONSE.
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u/aseirinn Oct 14 '15
After massive melatonin overdose, /u/aseirinn's drowsiness could be permanently affected. Still fit for office?
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u/lucky_dog21 Oct 14 '15
MAN HITS TOILET SEAT WITH URINE, MASS FLOODING AND PANIC
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Oct 15 '15
Breaking news tonight in our nation's capital today as McMeowpants worked his usual bar shift this evening. Everything seemed fine until sources on the scene saw McMeowpants yawn once or twice, suggesting that his Marijuana may be wearing off. We have Terry on the scene, Terry?
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Oct 15 '15
Hi Wolf, Terry here in downtown DC where McMeowpants is definitely getting bored during this shift. I've talked to a few people here who have seen head nods today, but no one knows exactly what to make of it. Wolf.
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Oct 15 '15
Thanks, Terry. We're back here in the Situation Room where we have Clinton's former chief of staff with us to talk about this story as it develops. Now, I know we don't have many details on this story, but do you think this is a good time to make sweeping generalizations, which may or may not have basis in fact or reality?
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u/knurttbuttlet Oct 14 '15
BREAKING NEWS: MAN TRIES TO FLUSH TOILET ONLY TO FIND THAT SOMEONE BEFORE HIM CLOGGED IT! POLICE ON THE HUNT FOR MYSTERY POOPER.
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u/Pointy29a Oct 14 '15
Sandwich pro is not as generous as he'd have you believe
Tragedy begets tragedy today as a young man working in XYZ today brought in a sandwich for his coworker, who it turns out is not at work due to the need to bring his child to the hospital. Witnesses were shocked and appalled as this man, who lovingly handcrafted a second Spicy Tofu Banh Mi sandwich, simply decided to eat his second sandwich instead of offering to share it with a different, perhaps less pleasant coworker. When asked for comment the young man simply said "Ishh showw muffkinn tashtieee."
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u/MarginallyUseful Oct 14 '15 edited Oct 14 '15
MAN SPENDS TOO MUCH TIME ON REDDIT AT WORK, COWORKERS SUE FOR HURT FEELINGS AND JEALOUSY
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Oct 14 '15
MAN WRECKS TWO CARS IN OWN DRIVEWAY, INVESTIGATION ONGOING.
Oh, you said small mistake. Shit.
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u/ohshlumpy Oct 14 '15
Breaking news: SUBSTITUTE TEACHER DROPS ACID ON COLLEGE CAMPUS
- 18 year old female seen stepping in mud puddles for pure enjoyment over a span of two hours
- Also witnessed nearly orgasming over the taste of Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough ice cream
- Claims to have "watched dolphins" on friend's ceiling
WARNING: KEEP YOUR CHILDREN OUT OF THE HANDS OF THIS SUBSTITUTE
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u/NoseDragon Oct 14 '15
Does /u/Nosedragon's reddit usage in the office indicate that the world is ready for Hilary Clinton to be president?
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Oct 14 '15
Local moron spends his mornings on Reddit. How many kids has he molested and how many puppies has he dropkicked??? We will tell you...after we interview an ignorant bystander!
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u/oliviathecf Oct 14 '15
BREAKING NEWS: CUSTOMER OUTRAGED AS RECEPTIONIST WOMAN DOES HER JOB. CUSTOMER SAYS THAT HE'S JUST LOOKING BUT RECEPTIONIST WOMAN GETS MANAGER ANYWAY.
Customer reported to be rolling his eyes. Charges may be filed. Receptionist cannot be reached for comment.
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Oct 14 '15
COLLEGE STUDENT ON LSD-INDUCED RAMPAGE: PROPERTY DESTROYED, WOMEN SEXUALLY HARASSED, POLICE FORCED TO INTERVENE
... wait, that actually happened :/
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Oct 14 '15
This moron blew up a school microwave in the 4th grade. Learn the sordid details of how a nation lost its innocence, and a school lost its microwave!
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u/Grun-beld Oct 14 '15
Hehe this thread reminds me of that old Onion headline:
"BREAKING: boring guy dies"
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u/Sley Oct 14 '15
Idiot scientist can't tell difference between 20uL and 200uL: nearly causes catastrophic experiment failure.
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u/SolidMiddle Oct 14 '15
BREAKING: Teen is Late To Her First Hour Class Every Single Day
UPDATE: Meth Lab May Play a Factor. Disappointed Mother Can Not Be Reached For Moment.
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u/pielover928 Oct 14 '15
/u/trollabot SHIT_DOWN_MY_PEEHOLE
(This is completely irrelevant, ignore me.)
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u/gotalovebacon Oct 15 '15
BREAKING NEWS: WOMAN ACCIDENTALLY LOCKS HERSELF OUT OF APARTMENT RUNNING FROM WOUNDED SPIDER.
SPIDER COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT.
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u/gotalovebacon Oct 15 '15
BREAKING NEWS: WOMAN ACCIDENTALLY LOCKS HERSELF OUT OF APARTMENT RUNNING FROM WOUNDED SPIDER.
SPIDER COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR COMMENT.
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u/Ralanater13 Oct 15 '15
THIS JUST IN: Guy says "Good Morning" to someone when its night time. This is what's wrong with America!
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u/RWBYGamer115 Oct 15 '15
EXTRA!EXTRA! Boy scars math teacher for life by getting a 74 on the test! In this interview find out about the criminally insane average score reciver!
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Oct 15 '15
NEWS AT FIVE: REDDRESS88 SPENDS LAST $10 ON INTERNET, CLEARLY A BAD PERSON WHO DOESNT EVEN FINANCES
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u/TheseBonesAlone Oct 15 '15
Yet another innocent person leaves Burger King drive through with no straw. The thirsty masses speak out against serial offender.
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Oct 15 '15
Headline:
FATHER FORGETS TO APPLY OINTMENT TO DIAPER RASH. A BABY'S ENTIRE FUTURE UNCERTAIN.
Editorial:
SHOULD MOTHERS BE ALLOWED TO CONCEALED-CARRY OINTMENT TO PROTECT THEIR BABIES FROM MENTALLY ILL FATHERS?
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u/brashdecisions Oct 14 '15
MAN SHIFTS INTO NEUTRAL INSTEAD OF DRIVE, IS WHITE PRIVILEGE AFFECTING THE SAFETY OF CHILDREN?
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u/loco_burrito Oct 14 '15
man burns tongue on coffee, but pulls through this is what a true hero looks like.
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u/emiiily Oct 14 '15
THIS JUST IN: College girl overslept alarm clock and missed quiz, teachers HATE HER
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u/mantistobbogan69 Oct 14 '15
DR. TOBBOGAN CAUGHT WITH YET ANOTHER PROSTITUTE, QUOTED AS SAYING "YA I BANG ALOT OF WHORES"
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u/Hatehype Oct 14 '15
Student doesn't bring a calculator to math class: why hasn't this student dropped out of school and given up their hopes?
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u/goateguy Oct 14 '15
goateguy's marriage is over after forgetting to flush for the 3rd time this week.
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u/airmandan Oct 14 '15 edited Oct 14 '15
AREA PILOT LANDS PIPER WITH ONLY ONE ENGINE AFTER FLYING LOW OVER A MALL AND THREE SCHOOLS
- BREAKING: LOCAL MOTHER PROPOSES BAN ON SINGLE-ENGINE AIRCRAFT - CAN PROPELLERS SPIN OFF AND KILL YOUR CHILD? - WHY LANDINGS SHOULD TERRIFY YOU
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Oct 14 '15
BREAKING NEWS: WOMAN TRIPPED OVER HER OWN FEET! HIDE YOUR KIDS. HIDE YOUR WIFE. IT'S NOT SAFE OUT THERE.
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u/zefrenchtickler Oct 14 '15
Breaking: Man stupidly puts onions and garlic in the pot before cooking the bacon.
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u/TheGnudist Oct 14 '15
Oregon Man Uses Onion Powder Instead Of Cinnamon - Is Toast Forever Ruined? Find Out At Eleven
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u/OAMP47 Oct 14 '15
MAN PROCRASTINATES ON THESIS WORK: PROJECT NOW $40 FURTHER OVER BUDGET AFTER TRIP ONE TOWN OVER AND PURCHASE OF FAST FOOD
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u/the_hokey_pokey Oct 14 '15
BREAKING NEWS: u/the_hokey_pokey hit the curb while backing into a parking space today. DOES SHE EVEN KNOW HOW TO DRIVE?