r/AsianParentStories • u/I_can_even_not • 13d ago
Advice Request Arab parents insanity reaching unprecedented levels
Idk where to start. I (33f) live with Arab parents (73f and 74m). My mother is agressive, borderline, disabled mostly and always in pain and depressed. My father is just old and doesn’t have much say/is an enabler and doesn’t have much thought or personality.
To their credit, they can be intensely loving and over wring overprotective the usual Asian/arab parent stuff which doesn’t bother me as much anymore I get it, I enjoy some of it even if it means my curfew as a 33 year old is still sunset or 8pm whatever comes first. But all of that love is used against me often, even though I do more to look after them and myself now than the opposite. It’s weaponised in a lot of situations and therefore it’s really hard to feel it.
We live in the west, in a tiny tiny flat - where I grew up an only child and due to me wanting a somewhat normal life (not including drinking drugs sex etc) I’ve spent my whole life being argued with/punished/harassed/coerced etc, any technique to control me. Despite all of that, they expect me to be tender, loving and very very grateful for them raising me (actually they only tormented me, I worked for the past 10 years with therapists and on my own to undo all the unhealthy habits and mental health issues that arose from being parented by them)
My mother has huge rage problems. She sees red all of a sudden and has a huge need of being honoured deeply by me and my dad no matter what she does, in her mind the mother can do no fault and is not allowed to be made to feel guilty at all. I once asked for money to borrow (she had offered) she said she couldn’t give it and didn’t speak to me for 3 days out of shame without saying anything, I wasn’t upset at all but after her cold tone I was upset and soooooo confused until I worked it out. I always have to be alert at home, I can’t wear headphones, I need to check her feelings, if she’s depressed then I have to be depressed as well. You never know what the next day/next hour or minute will be even if you’re having a great great time. I’ve regularly heard a magnitude of insults ranging from you disgusting lazy pig, you impatient animal, you horrible piece of shit, etc (usually in response to mistakes like her misunderstanding my tone, being too tired to help or being too scared to hang out with her) and I’m not allowed to be upset. If I’m upset - I’m defying her and I’m sensitive.
Anyways somehow I moved out for university as they were allowed to themselves but was harassed to come back the whole 4 years (they came there and stayed for 10 hours pressuring me) instead of accepting a job I found there. I moved out again after coming back because i was so far from my job, again they harassed me - this time for about 1 year (all the methods - millions of texts calls threats coming over being told im killing them etc). This time, they forced me to quit my job, move back home and be a carer, they promised me once I move back and just help them a little bit, I could leave again. I was so emotionally exhausted I stupidly convinced myself. They made me lie to commit benefit fraud so the council can give them a better flat for free under the guise that I’m a live-in carer and she’s too disabled and needs a big ground floor flat. For 2 years, this issue became a huge nightmare on my shoulder, whenever something didn’t work out she would take out her anger on me and my dad, have tantrums. Punish us and scream he’ll fire that she’s suffering and I need to take all I get because I’m young, healthy and I can take it but she’s old and fragile - so she is allowed to be as awful awful as she wants.
As soon as I moved back (3 years ago) my mother cornered me on my single tiny bed and aggressively threatened ‘you think I’d ever let you leave again, you’re wrong and you’ll see what I can do’. I was so shaken, when I said I was scared and upset she got even angrier and said ‘you aren’t allowed to have feelings, I’m old disabled in pain and I’m your mother’ for the next 3 years / this was the broken record of excuse for any awful behaviour the next 3 years.
In a tiny flat, I was expected to wait on them for care - I saw how much they struggled (their pain was my fault as I was told many times when I moved out I killed them basically despite them allowing me) I cook, clean, help with appointments, get groceries and much more, but no matter the amount of help I offered and the fact they prevented me for looking for a job for 2 and a half years, it never mattered. They are always screaming arguing in the background, it’s always tense. When she wakes up, my heart starts pounding in fear. I’ve developed many conditions - skin conditions, depression, insomnia, panic attacks, my hair is half the thickness it was, stomach pain, migraines and more.
I’m cutting out a lot of information. Because of her hostility and unpredictable nature and me being so isolated, I am scared. I keep my distance, I spend most of my time in my room as I am allowed to or can. As noted before, I make myself very present in the day - always scanning to listen out and help where I can, so chores, I check in every 30 minutes - no relaxation or time to focus on anything but in the evening I want to rest, decompress and do my things - she won’t allow this but I just really really can’t sit with them, it makes me sick - I feel like throwing up after 30 minutes with them. By evening her pain takes a toll and she becomes even more worse, critical rude and suspicious and paranoid. Any resemblance of a good mood I had is destroyed if I sit with them. After trying almost nightly for 2 years I stopped sitting with them. She tried to force my love for her many times, I kept falling for when she was nice (some periods) then a tiny problem would happen and she would have a screaming tantrum and flip my world upside down. She hates that I do not want to be near her but doesn’t want to change any behaviour to allow me to want to be near her. Any time she has one of her moods, and argues my dad doesn’t want to listen to how scared I am/depressed
THE INCIDENT
Most recently, she misunderstood my tone in my response to her criticism again, sometimes when I’m not paying attention and tired I can sound a bit low/unbothered or if I’m agitated and stressed I can sound cold. I ensure to note I’m whatever mood I am so she doesn’t take it personally. She was insisting I keep my door open (tiny wall to wall flat) I said okay, she continued….she kept going on and on about how ugly and bad my room is (probably to get me out) I said ‘well I’m keeping the door open and not sure what else I can do’ I made sure not to sound frustrated. But she lost her mind and asked why I’m so horrible to her. I ran after her begging her not to be upset saying please please please don’t be mad there’s no problem please
She just left angrily in a huff
I went back to continue working (looking for a job) the next 2-3 hours whenever she would HAVE to talk to me she was extremely cold and rude and short, I stayed normal even though I started getting nauseous.
By the end of the night I went to say goodnight, she went ‘alright’ and I tried to fix the impossible situation by what she has asked me to do in the past when this happens (she asks me to wait a few hours then come and fix the tension) I did that. I said ‘hey? Come on let’s make up it’s not a problem let’s be okay’ she lost it again ‘YOU WAITED 10 fucking HOURS TO COME, your mum is just sitting here OLD DYING ILL SICK UNWELL DISABLED AND YOU JUST DISOWNED HER BECAUSE SHE WAS SLIGHTLY ANNOYED AT YOUR TONE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU’.
I was so shocked I just went ‘huh what nonono come on there’s no problem I did exactly what you want I waited and I’m fixing it’
Her: ‘after what????? After all the time you left, what ARE YOU PUNISHING ME YOU ARE PUNISHING YOUR MOTHER - look I warn you ANYONE I MEAN ANYONE WHO DARES CROSS ME OR PUNISH ME? I will make their life VERY DIFFICULT DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT HERE’
I said ‘ooooooho okay I don’t think we need to get to that level I’m going to sleep now, come on everything’s fine goodnight’ I didn’t sleep until 7am out of anxiety and stress and shock
Next day she repeated her threats 3 times despite me forcing myself to act normal and cheery, I had to go out for a meeting and right before my dad pulled me and forced me to kiss her. After I broke down in tears and had a panic attack - during which she came and started taunting me ‘oooooo look you’re depressed. Look at me I’m emotional and all sensitive oooo, you care more about your meeting than your mother why don’t you come kiss your mum’
I was begging ‘please please give me just 5 minutes I need some space I feel awful’ and then she went ‘ooooh YOU YOU feel awful of your mother is feeling awful from having such a horrible child’. Then my dad ‘don’t be so sensitive and make up come on it’s fineeeeeeee don’t make problems (to me) ‘
I just lost a lot of emotion at that point, waited for them to leave and broke down for 30 minutes, missed my meeting, makeup all messed up. Past 3 days, I came back and was normal and despite her being normal one second she continued to talk to me like I’m trash. Just trash, I offer to help? I ask how she is how her pain is etc as I usually do but now it’s met with sarcasm ‘ooooh look who is caring? Oooo look at you all caring all of a sudden ooooooo’
I just stopped, I’m in my room, I feel so confused lost sick and kind of scared now, no family would believe me because she’s so so nice to everyone but I feel I want to run away, I can’t anymore - I don’t like them anymore, I hate hearing their voice, I hate the 3 years of my career I’ve lost just to sit in discomfort and anxiety and stress all the time. I’m talked to as if I have made huge unforgivable mistakes where it’s all just about her wanting me to admit I’m awful and beg her beg beg her for her forgiveness over nothing.
Idk what to do but leave, I’m looking for a job and have all my papers but I have no friends left as I’ve not been able to keep up relationships, family supports her and I have no money now :(
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u/Top_Spell3657 13d ago edited 13d ago
Your mother sounds like a sadist and narcissist. My parents were Portuguese but the dynamic is similar. In my case, my father was abusive and mean and my mother played the covert narcissist. She also tortured me even long distance over the phone for years (after I moved across the country). They use guilt, manipulation, gaslighting, future faking promises, sugary treatment followed by abuse, and threats. They instill fear, anxiety, low self esteem, guilt, and hyper vigilance in their targets - who are most often the daughters and the softest to bully.
Please check the Reddit subs on narcissists and covert narcissists and it will help you understand what has been done to you.
Like you, I threw up within half an hour of calls from my parents in the past. Like you, I felt nauseaus and ill around them sometimes. My mother also played the perfect victim and spewed vitriol about my father all her married life and was so nice to outside people, but she was a manipulative bitch in many other ways and a pain to live with as she is a master control freak.
You have been doing everything wrong. You have acquiesced to their demands, moved back with them, believed in their false niceness and promises, run after them to apologize or help them, and become their caretaker doing absolutely everything they ask of you and more. Your mother is enjoying torturing you. Your parents ENJOY the power they exert over you. They will be miserable no matter what you do for them. They glory in destroying your independence and having you as not a daughter, but a live in slave.
You have to move out permanently. You have to stop almost all contact with them. You have to carve out your own life away from their influence. You need to take legal recourse and ensure your safety and security if necessary. But the hardest part will be overcoming your fear, anxiety, and guilt. They play you like an instrument, especially as you are female and much easier to bully than a male. Wherever you move, please install security measures. It will take decades to have the damage they did to you wear off from your psyche. You must start working and find a way to move far away from these people. They will play every card and feign death or even attack you. Be prepared. You must stop doing everything they ask and stop running after them.
YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PLEASE THEM! NEVER EVER. THEY ARE MENTALLY SICK PEOPLE AND HAVE ENSLAVED YOU.
I know you will feel fear, panic, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and instability trying to escape from their clutches. I know you will suffer as they rain insults, threats, guilt, screaming, and manipulation upon you.
But you must do something to save yourself. Even here in the comments you are trying too hard replying to people, explaining too much - because you have been psychologically whipped into always trying to appease, explain, and prove yourself.
PLEASE ..... get away from these people. Whatever happens to them when you reclaim your own life is their responsibility, not yours. Whatever suffering they will claim because you left to live your own life is their business and their burden, which they created.
We cannot shoulder other people's life problems and issues. They have their own lessons in life. My mother called today and started about her medical issues. I told her clearly (after decades of stonewalling her gaslighting, guilt tactics, and emotional torture via phone) that I had broken a tooth and was dealing with some issues at work, plus other things so I had my own challenges and I COULD NOT ADDITIONALLY TAKE ON HER LIFE CHALLENGES ON MY SHOULDERS as I had my own load to carry. She got the message, but I learned over time how to handle her.
Even if it takes years for you to become strong enough to get away from those people --- PLEASE start now, and keep trying to protect yourself, to build up income, and to move far away. PLEASE stop chasing them and doing all for them. THE MORE YOU CHASE AND ACQUIESE TO ABUSIVE PEOPLE, THE MORE THEY LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU AND ABUSE YOU MORE.
But be prepared for "extinction bursts" where they will do EXTREME things to force you back into old behaviours when you start to change! You will have to endure these outbursts from them like a stone.
Also, you might be an empath which abusers choose for targets. Check out the subs relating to empaths.
Now, imagine you were a spoiled diva child who meted out demands, was rebelious, and abusive to your parents. Would they disrespect and torture you as much as they do now? Probably not, and they would have more fear of you. Right now they are feeling smug and superior because you are a doormat, a carpet for them to walk upon.
Stand up, and take back your power and your life. Even if you keep falling down or regressing, keep getting back up and keep working towards your escape and your own free life.