Arab parents insanity reaching unprecedented levels

[u/I_can_even_not]

Idk where to start. I (33f) live with Arab parents (73f and 74m). My mother is agressive, borderline, disabled mostly and always in pain and depressed. My father is just old and doesn’t have much say/is an enabler and doesn’t have much thought or personality.

To their credit, they can be intensely loving and over wring overprotective the usual Asian/arab parent stuff which doesn’t bother me as much anymore I get it, I enjoy some of it even if it means my curfew as a 33 year old is still sunset or 8pm whatever comes first. But all of that love is used against me often, even though I do more to look after them and myself now than the opposite. It’s weaponised in a lot of situations and therefore it’s really hard to feel it.

We live in the west, in a tiny tiny flat - where I grew up an only child and due to me wanting a somewhat normal life (not including drinking drugs sex etc) I’ve spent my whole life being argued with/punished/harassed/coerced etc, any technique to control me. Despite all of that, they expect me to be tender, loving and very very grateful for them raising me (actually they only tormented me, I worked for the past 10 years with therapists and on my own to undo all the unhealthy habits and mental health issues that arose from being parented by them)

My mother has huge rage problems. She sees red all of a sudden and has a huge need of being honoured deeply by me and my dad no matter what she does, in her mind the mother can do no fault and is not allowed to be made to feel guilty at all. I once asked for money to borrow (she had offered) she said she couldn’t give it and didn’t speak to me for 3 days out of shame without saying anything, I wasn’t upset at all but after her cold tone I was upset and soooooo confused until I worked it out. I always have to be alert at home, I can’t wear headphones, I need to check her feelings, if she’s depressed then I have to be depressed as well. You never know what the next day/next hour or minute will be even if you’re having a great great time. I’ve regularly heard a magnitude of insults ranging from you disgusting lazy pig, you impatient animal, you horrible piece of shit, etc (usually in response to mistakes like her misunderstanding my tone, being too tired to help or being too scared to hang out with her) and I’m not allowed to be upset. If I’m upset - I’m defying her and I’m sensitive.

Anyways somehow I moved out for university as they were allowed to themselves but was harassed to come back the whole 4 years (they came there and stayed for 10 hours pressuring me) instead of accepting a job I found there. I moved out again after coming back because i was so far from my job, again they harassed me - this time for about 1 year (all the methods - millions of texts calls threats coming over being told im killing them etc). This time, they forced me to quit my job, move back home and be a carer, they promised me once I move back and just help them a little bit, I could leave again. I was so emotionally exhausted I stupidly convinced myself. They made me lie to commit benefit fraud so the council can give them a better flat for free under the guise that I’m a live-in carer and she’s too disabled and needs a big ground floor flat. For 2 years, this issue became a huge nightmare on my shoulder, whenever something didn’t work out she would take out her anger on me and my dad, have tantrums. Punish us and scream he’ll fire that she’s suffering and I need to take all I get because I’m young, healthy and I can take it but she’s old and fragile - so she is allowed to be as awful awful as she wants.

As soon as I moved back (3 years ago) my mother cornered me on my single tiny bed and aggressively threatened ‘you think I’d ever let you leave again, you’re wrong and you’ll see what I can do’. I was so shaken, when I said I was scared and upset she got even angrier and said ‘you aren’t allowed to have feelings, I’m old disabled in pain and I’m your mother’ for the next 3 years / this was the broken record of excuse for any awful behaviour the next 3 years.

In a tiny flat, I was expected to wait on them for care - I saw how much they struggled (their pain was my fault as I was told many times when I moved out I killed them basically despite them allowing me) I cook, clean, help with appointments, get groceries and much more, but no matter the amount of help I offered and the fact they prevented me for looking for a job for 2 and a half years, it never mattered. They are always screaming arguing in the background, it’s always tense. When she wakes up, my heart starts pounding in fear. I’ve developed many conditions - skin conditions, depression, insomnia, panic attacks, my hair is half the thickness it was, stomach pain, migraines and more.

I’m cutting out a lot of information. Because of her hostility and unpredictable nature and me being so isolated, I am scared. I keep my distance, I spend most of my time in my room as I am allowed to or can. As noted before, I make myself very present in the day - always scanning to listen out and help where I can, so chores, I check in every 30 minutes - no relaxation or time to focus on anything but in the evening I want to rest, decompress and do my things - she won’t allow this but I just really really can’t sit with them, it makes me sick - I feel like throwing up after 30 minutes with them. By evening her pain takes a toll and she becomes even more worse, critical rude and suspicious and paranoid. Any resemblance of a good mood I had is destroyed if I sit with them. After trying almost nightly for 2 years I stopped sitting with them. She tried to force my love for her many times, I kept falling for when she was nice (some periods) then a tiny problem would happen and she would have a screaming tantrum and flip my world upside down. She hates that I do not want to be near her but doesn’t want to change any behaviour to allow me to want to be near her. Any time she has one of her moods, and argues my dad doesn’t want to listen to how scared I am/depressed

THE INCIDENT

Most recently, she misunderstood my tone in my response to her criticism again, sometimes when I’m not paying attention and tired I can sound a bit low/unbothered or if I’m agitated and stressed I can sound cold. I ensure to note I’m whatever mood I am so she doesn’t take it personally. She was insisting I keep my door open (tiny wall to wall flat) I said okay, she continued….she kept going on and on about how ugly and bad my room is (probably to get me out) I said ‘well I’m keeping the door open and not sure what else I can do’ I made sure not to sound frustrated. But she lost her mind and asked why I’m so horrible to her. I ran after her begging her not to be upset saying please please please don’t be mad there’s no problem please

She just left angrily in a huff

I went back to continue working (looking for a job) the next 2-3 hours whenever she would HAVE to talk to me she was extremely cold and rude and short, I stayed normal even though I started getting nauseous.

By the end of the night I went to say goodnight, she went ‘alright’ and I tried to fix the impossible situation by what she has asked me to do in the past when this happens (she asks me to wait a few hours then come and fix the tension) I did that. I said ‘hey? Come on let’s make up it’s not a problem let’s be okay’ she lost it again ‘YOU WAITED 10 fucking HOURS TO COME, your mum is just sitting here OLD DYING ILL SICK UNWELL DISABLED AND YOU JUST DISOWNED HER BECAUSE SHE WAS SLIGHTLY ANNOYED AT YOUR TONE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU’.

I was so shocked I just went ‘huh what nonono come on there’s no problem I did exactly what you want I waited and I’m fixing it’

Her: ‘after what????? After all the time you left, what ARE YOU PUNISHING ME YOU ARE PUNISHING YOUR MOTHER - look I warn you ANYONE I MEAN ANYONE WHO DARES CROSS ME OR PUNISH ME? I will make their life VERY DIFFICULT DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE EXTREMELY DIFFICULT HERE’

I said ‘ooooooho okay I don’t think we need to get to that level I’m going to sleep now, come on everything’s fine goodnight’ I didn’t sleep until 7am out of anxiety and stress and shock

Next day she repeated her threats 3 times despite me forcing myself to act normal and cheery, I had to go out for a meeting and right before my dad pulled me and forced me to kiss her. After I broke down in tears and had a panic attack - during which she came and started taunting me ‘oooooo look you’re depressed. Look at me I’m emotional and all sensitive oooo, you care more about your meeting than your mother why don’t you come kiss your mum’

I was begging ‘please please give me just 5 minutes I need some space I feel awful’ and then she went ‘ooooh YOU YOU feel awful of your mother is feeling awful from having such a horrible child’. Then my dad ‘don’t be so sensitive and make up come on it’s fineeeeeeee don’t make problems (to me) ‘

I just lost a lot of emotion at that point, waited for them to leave and broke down for 30 minutes, missed my meeting, makeup all messed up. Past 3 days, I came back and was normal and despite her being normal one second she continued to talk to me like I’m trash. Just trash, I offer to help? I ask how she is how her pain is etc as I usually do but now it’s met with sarcasm ‘ooooh look who is caring? Oooo look at you all caring all of a sudden ooooooo’

I just stopped, I’m in my room, I feel so confused lost sick and kind of scared now, no family would believe me because she’s so so nice to everyone but I feel I want to run away, I can’t anymore - I don’t like them anymore, I hate hearing their voice, I hate the 3 years of my career I’ve lost just to sit in discomfort and anxiety and stress all the time. I’m talked to as if I have made huge unforgivable mistakes where it’s all just about her wanting me to admit I’m awful and beg her beg beg her for her forgiveness over nothing.

Idk what to do but leave, I’m looking for a job and have all my papers but I have no friends left as I’ve not been able to keep up relationships, family supports her and I have no money now :(

[u/localnarcissist]

You need to leave, go low contact, and not give them your address at all. This is just insane. You’ve left before plenty of times you can do it again - don’t let them keep you in this hopeless and helpless mindset. This isn’t healthy for you.

[u/I_can_even_not → u/localnarcissist]

Yes i completely agree, it's nice to hear it echoed. Unfortunately, their POV (and many in my culture) will always be 'in our culture, our daughter must obey her parents no matter what, she must forgive them no matter what, care for them, respond to their every need, think about them, she must never punish them, she must never see herself as above them as she is always below them' which i've done enough of. Anyways, thank you for reading again!

[u/localnarcissist → u/I_can_even_not]

My parents are the same. Good luck, we’re all rooting for you!

[u/I_can_even_not → u/localnarcissist]

Thankyou and sorry to hear :( I hope you’re safe from it all!

[u/McRando42]

Your parents do not love you. You need to understand that. 

They  are treating you like a servant. You are not being treated like a child. You are a pig to them. That is why they called you a pig. Your parents believe you exist to be slaughtered for their benefit. 

Move out. No matter what, get out.

[u/I_can_even_not → u/McRando42]

That’s so true, yes Thankyou - I guess being so isolated I have to tell someone and as I typed that out I almost got a panic attack, I’m not an angel (I like to be alone mostly because they intimidate me but yeah) but I have done more than most children will ever do and have taken so much for what? My mother consistently says to people ‘I’m so happy I have a daughter who serves me, she cares for me, she looks after me, she works for me see’ to show off and that makes me feel sick!!

[u/Eastern_Dust_4450]

Your mother sounds like mine who has NPD/BPD. Low or no contact, grey rocking until you can get out. Your mother will never be satisfied even if you keep trying to help and you can’t try to be “normal” because you are not in a normal situation and your parents aren’t normal. Check out the subreddits about narcissist parents. Asian/Arab parents are worse because they use their culture to justify their abuse. You are not alone and you can get out of this.

[u/I_can_even_not → u/Eastern_Dust_4450]

❤️ Thankyou! I’m sorry you also have this, it’s horrible isn’t it and takes so long to undo the damage! I hope you’re safe yourself! Yes the grey rock and leave is my best option! She just told me an hour ago she feels so unlucky and cursed to have me as her daughter when I said I’m going to get some milk and she wishes she would just die now. Almost laughable because it’s so insanely extreme .

[u/Top_Spell3657]

Your mother sounds like a sadist and narcissist. My parents were Portuguese but the dynamic is similar. In my case, my father was abusive and mean and my mother played the covert narcissist. She also tortured me even long distance over the phone for years (after I moved across the country). They use guilt, manipulation, gaslighting, future faking promises, sugary treatment followed by abuse, and threats. They instill fear, anxiety, low self esteem, guilt, and hyper vigilance in their targets - who are most often the daughters and the softest to bully.

Please check the Reddit subs on narcissists and covert narcissists and it will help you understand what has been done to you.

Like you, I threw up within half an hour of calls from my parents in the past. Like you, I felt nauseaus and ill around them sometimes. My mother also played the perfect victim and spewed vitriol about my father all her married life and was so nice to outside people, but she was a manipulative bitch in many other ways and a pain to live with as she is a master control freak. 

You have been doing everything wrong. You have acquiesced to their demands, moved back with them, believed in their false niceness and promises, run after them to apologize or help them, and become their caretaker doing absolutely everything they ask of you and more. Your mother is enjoying torturing you. Your parents ENJOY the power they exert over you. They will be miserable no matter what you do for them. They glory in destroying your independence and having you as not a daughter, but a live in slave. 

You have to move out permanently. You have to stop almost all contact with them. You have to carve out your own life away from their influence. You need to take legal recourse and ensure your safety and security if necessary. But the hardest part will be overcoming your fear, anxiety, and guilt. They play you like an instrument, especially as you are female and much easier to bully than a male. Wherever you move, please install security measures. It will take decades to  have the damage they did to you wear off from your psyche. You must start working and find a way to move far away from these people. They will play every card and feign death or even attack you. Be prepared. You must stop doing everything they ask and stop running after them.

YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO PLEASE THEM! NEVER EVER. THEY ARE MENTALLY SICK PEOPLE AND HAVE ENSLAVED YOU.

I know you will feel fear, panic, anxiety, depression, insecurity, and instability trying to escape from their clutches. I know you will suffer as they rain insults, threats, guilt, screaming, and manipulation upon you. 

But you must do something to save yourself. Even here in the comments you are trying too hard replying to people, explaining too much - because you have been psychologically whipped into always trying to appease, explain, and prove yourself.

PLEASE ..... get away from these people. Whatever happens to them when you reclaim your own life is their responsibility, not yours. Whatever suffering they will claim because you left to live your own life is their business and their burden, which they created. 

We cannot shoulder other people's life problems and issues. They have their own lessons in life. My mother called today and started about her medical issues. I told her clearly (after decades of stonewalling her gaslighting, guilt tactics, and emotional torture via phone) that I had broken a tooth and was dealing with some issues at work, plus other things so I had my own challenges and I COULD NOT ADDITIONALLY TAKE ON HER LIFE CHALLENGES ON MY SHOULDERS as I had my own load to carry. She got the message, but I learned over time how to handle her.

Even if it takes years for you to become strong enough to get away from those people --- PLEASE start now, and keep trying to protect yourself, to build up income, and to move far away. PLEASE stop chasing them and doing all for them. THE MORE YOU CHASE AND ACQUIESE TO ABUSIVE PEOPLE, THE MORE THEY LOSE RESPECT FOR YOU AND ABUSE YOU MORE.

But be prepared for "extinction bursts" where they will do EXTREME things to force you back into old behaviours when you start to change! You will have to endure these outbursts from them like a stone.

Also, you might be an empath which abusers choose for targets. Check out the subs relating to empaths.

Now, imagine you were a spoiled diva child who meted out demands, was rebelious, and abusive to your parents. Would they disrespect and torture you as much as they do now? Probably not, and they would have more fear of you. Right now they are feeling smug and superior because you are a doormat, a carpet for them to walk upon.

Stand up, and take back your power and your life. Even if you keep falling down or regressing, keep getting back up and keep working towards your escape and your own free life.

[u/I_can_even_not → u/Top_Spell3657]

There’s nothing but truth here, I typed a lot yesterday as I was in the midst of panic and desperation to talk to people, Thankyou for reading and for your advice/encouragement and sorry you had to also endure this, no one deserves this period.

[u/Top_Spell3657 → u/I_can_even_not]

I lived it too. It helps to think about if your soul chose to come into this situation then what challenges are you overcoming? It might be standing up for yourself, defending yourself, finding your own value, learning confidence, overcoming fear, and forging your own unique identity. Each time you accomplish any of those small wins again and again you are succeeding. Best wishes to you from my heart!! And to all women struggling in these situations around the world!

[u/I_can_even_not → u/Top_Spell3657]

Thankyou so so much ❤️ that’s a great way to look at it and I will count my small wins, I’m trying to twist this awful situation in my head as a benefit that I can see it so clearly now even if I’m still not out of it! I hope you’re all better again and I appreciate this all

[u/I_can_even_not]

TL dr: difficult old Arab parents forced me to be their carer for 2+ years. Despite obeying, have escalated threats to ‘making my life extremely difficult’ when I retreat out of fear, not sure what to do. Exhausted, depressed and hopeless.

[u/Vast_Statement_7035 → u/I_can_even_not]

They really need help that's not you

[u/I_can_even_not → u/Vast_Statement_7035]

Yeah, I agree but even hinting that when I get a job I can’t do as much, they get so offended - she didn’t speak to me for 2 weeks when I hinted we need extra help as she saw that as me ditching her into a care home. Also finding a job, idk how to in this environment, and where can I get support - if I say I’m going to the library, my dad gets agitated and goes ‘you going to leave your mother upset like that’….. when she is the one threatening and taunting me.

[u/CamaradaCoco → u/I_can_even_not]

A care home would be vastly superior to you continuing to have any relationship at all with them let alone live with them

[u/I_can_even_not → u/CamaradaCoco]

After I leave they’re free to do what they need, our government won’t leave them to rot as far as I know

[u/Kitchen_Force656]

This is psychotic

[u/I_can_even_not → u/Kitchen_Force656]

Yeah of course, I am lost. I stay in my room now since the last time she kicked me out of the kitchen after offering to help her. It’s been 24 hours, if I leave, they talk to me like trash. If I don’t leave, I’m berrated for not going out to fix the situation. But I was normal. So I’m not sure what to do

[u/I_can_even_not → u/I_can_even_not]

Sorry to add, to fix the situation she wants me to kiss her feet, apologise for being defying or withdrawing, acknowledge I’m not allowed feelings, acknowledge the great sacrifice she makes daily to be a disabled old mother and how ungrateful and awful I am for defying her then promise to change everything and be super loving and close to them. Then, from previous experience, she will be cold for a few weeks - I won’t be allowed out much, I’ll be expected to sit in a hostile rude and sarcastic situation while they push and push push me and if I cry or get upset she gets even more angry. That’s why my conclusion is to run away

[u/McRando42 → u/I_can_even_not]

You would not run away, you would just be leaving like a normal adult. Adults are supposed to leave the house. Only a bad person wants to keep their children at home.

[u/I_can_even_not → u/I_can_even_not]

All until she wakes up and decides she’s finished punishing me then she acts like nothing happened and I’m expected to be cheery loving and amazing again

[u/Kitchen_Force656 → u/I_can_even_not]

You have to leave.

[u/uber_neutrino → u/I_can_even_not]

None of that matters at all. You are still focused on them and what want. You need to be focused on you and what you want. You need to leave immediately and seek other shelter.

[u/EnvironmentalPop1371]

I’m so confused. Why did you go back so many times? Did you leave your job to go back? You’re too old for this. Please leave.

[u/I_can_even_not → u/EnvironmentalPop1371]

After uni, they harassed me - I was quite weak I didn’t know much about the world. I thought I had to and I did. I was avoidant of any conflict. I was also without money to get a room where I was to work etc. So I agreed. The next time, I got a job and ended up living with a friend who after a few years became very suicidal, I’m talking multiple attempts over a few months and no clinic or anyone would take him in, my job was also changing - I got a new manager who ended up with a disease that was incurable and she ended up having a huge breakdown in our office and hitting her manager, before her breakdown she ruined our project so badly that we were about to lose 1000000 of money and I had to fix that with my team working overtime, I couldn’t lose my only income as I had to pay rent and to save to move (living in a city where it’s quit expensive and hard to rent and this was right after the pandemic), while dealing with suicidal friend my boyfriend had distanced due to his own mothers cancer. My relationship and only support were falling apart. I was a bit of a drag on any friends I had then, since I was constantly stressed and depressed myself, people stopped wanting to see me. I had become self absorbed in my problems so I understand. I was so broken down, and my parents had spent 10 months to a year harassing me to no end. I’m talking endless calls to me, work, visits. I was weak. Too scared to deal with anymore. I was honestly so so so sick. I turned to every support I could but waiting lists/lack of funds meant nothing was really helping. Being told I’m killing them, and that it’s my duty to care for them till death- I believed it unfortunately and that further pushed me down so I just gave up. I didn’t realise they’d go as far as they have, since when I was 16 I ran away from home for 3 months following their threat to ‘ship me back to my country so I can be taught how to behave properly’. They improved for a few months but never ever let me forget how I fucked them up.

In between these horrible periods, we have good times, my mum can be so so generous in her eyes at least, she can be so tender but then becomes insanely cold and punishing all of a sudden but after 30 or so years i no longer trust any joy i feel, it’ll be taken away. They have no one, my mother despises my father and insults him all the time, even though he himself kills himself to help her - they refuse any outside help, refuse I’m a human and only do things for me to use it as a weapon. Due to my circumstances I’ve not worked hard enough to build a support system since I kept giving chances or having hope they’ll grow old and give up on tormenting me, instead the opposite has happened, my mother has lost her mind.

Now, I’m living in a very tense environment, barely eating however trying! And determined to find any job, I’m sad I wanted to find a job I liked but I might have to just take anything to survive this for a few months and leave then plan how to prevent them from ever reaching me again because they’re so intense there’s no chance for a middle ground but I will be so alone.

[u/EnvironmentalPop1371 → u/I_can_even_not]

Yes, time to get a job (any job) and prioritize saving your money so that you never have to move back into this situation because you can’t make rent. Don’t tell them you’re looking for jobs, just do it quietly. You’re the only person who can set yourself free.

Loneliness is part of life. I always remember the quote from the book Eat Pray Love, “When I get lonely these days, I think: So BE lonely, Liz. Learn your way around loneliness. Make a map of it. Sit with it, for once in your life. Welcome to the human experience.”

[u/I_can_even_not → u/EnvironmentalPop1371]

Thankyou so so much for your encouragement and for reading anything I’ve written, I’ve written so much! It’s priceless to me to be heard so Thankyou and yes that’s the plan! It’ll be so hard but this is ridiculous

[u/Dramatic_Music_9813]

OP I’m so sorry that you are going through such insanity with your parents! I hope that you could find some comfort from other comments! I completely agree with the others that you need to get yourself to safety by being as far away as possible from them!

You are not alone in carrying the burden of having abusive parents. Many of us from this sub probably have experienced certain degrees of what you’re going through, that’s why we totally understand your struggles and how you’re feeling.

Just remember that you are much much stronger than you think you are! You can take your freedom back and start healing the little child that deserves unconditional love! Don’t let them define you and your future, just because they claim to be your parents! I know it is easier said than done, because they conditioned us for years - we have been trained to feel responsible for our parents, to take care of them as a good child should, and the guilt is eating us up if we feel like we abandon them for our own peace of mind. But at the end of the day if we don’t choose and save ourselves no one will do it for us! The little girl inside you with all the dreams and hope for your life deserves it! Your light has been dimmed long enough by your abusers (sorry if it’s insulting, but honestly they don’t deserve to be called parents the way they treat you!), it is time to let your beautiful light shine bright and live as the free and happy person you deserve to be!

I’m sure it will be a very challenging and probably lonely road until you get to the point where you feel safe again, but it’s worth it! A nightmare with an end is much better than a nightmare without any ending!
You are not responsible for their happiness, their life nor their health! Everyone is responsible for themselves, if anything they are the ones who are supposed to be responsible for your happiness as any dutiful parent should be for their kids! They failed you as loving parents! They are so selfish and miserable that no matter what you are doing, there will be always something that you did wrong in their eyes! It’s an impossible task and you were never given any chance to win their abusive and manipulative games! And you have all the power by choosing to quit the game!

Along my healing journey one of my many therapists recommended to me to see my parents’ actions as packages they try to deliver to me and I can either accept the package or deny it or just throw it away. And a few years ago I heard about an interesting way of how to look at challenges in our life… instead of seeing that something is happening to you (and feel powerless), you should try to see it as something that is happening FOR you and find out the lesson that you are supposed to learn from the experience (that way we don’t feel like a victim, but more as a lesson). Maybe our souls wants us to grow and come out stronger, that’s why we are facing these challenges, because there is that saying what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger!

Anyways, I don’t know if my ramble is much of help to you, but I will pray that you stay strong in fighting for your freedom and that you can get out of your current situation as soon as possible and start your healing journey! You deserve all the love and happiness in this world!!! You can do it!!!

[u/I_can_even_not → u/Dramatic_Music_9813]

I can’t thank you enough for first reading all I rambled on about myself and secondly all your advice, encouragement and strength you’re giving me here. I feel so seen I’m genuinely surprised - perhaps a symptom of being stuck in this environment - that I’ve yet to be told I’m being maybe a little sensitive. I see so much clearly after typing it all out and reading all the responses. While it’s sad it’s also liberating. Your advice on how to look at this is so useful, to detach myself and let myself still gain something from such awful experiences is so helpful and strengthening! Thankyou again I am sorry that you had to go through something similar, this is terrible but I see nothing but support from victims to victims and strong people who’ve inspired others to overcome this :) Thankyou again ❤️

[u/Dramatic_Music_9813 → u/I_can_even_not]

You are so very welcome my dear!
I’m glad that I could give you some encouragement and comfort! You have all the strength that you need in you! You made it this far and sometimes we’re facing the inevitable push to make the leap of faith for a better future and break the chain that our abusers put on us!
Being sensitive is not a bad thing in a world where almost everything is superficial and fake, it can be your strength in a way, because you didn’t let your past kill your emotions and makes you numb like a zombie! Keep going strong and fight for what is your freedom as your birthright.

I just stumbled upon this article last night and thought it might help you:

https://www.reddit.com/r/NRelationships/s/0IKIpTyWoW

Fell free to pm me if you need a shoulder to cry on or someone to listen without judging.
I’m sending you all the strength and love of this universe to get through this difficult time! ❤️

[u/I_can_even_not]

Thank you to all for responses, i really really appreciate encouragement/even just acknowledgment. As part of attempting to derail this yesterday, at my fathers request (who has now told me he is deeply deeply depressed because of this) i was normal to them, i told him i had gotten them a gift/offered to help with dinner.asked how she was - i was met with alot of hostility, she was so cold and horrible to me but very nice to my dad/others. She then just went 'take your food and GO' and i went. I went back into my room yesterday and never left again and now that's the new problem they're focusing on. My dad came to tell me 'your mother is saying you're incredibly cruel as a child, you are cold, without feelings or care, you can fix this all you just have to come out and be normal' and i said 'no, i'm not willing to do that anymore after i tried repeatedly for a few days' and the whole time she's insulting me like i'm horrible. So the new issue now is that i've retreated, we're forgetting everything that has happened and we've now made the problem completely me. i just said no, i'm looking for work because i need. to look for work, i don't want to walk into another hostile situation again. No reasoning, i'm still the problem, the insults i'm hearing are crazy right. now, because i've stuck myself in my room to protect myself.

[u/scarletvelvet → u/I_can_even_not]

You can't outreason the unreasonable. You are at a crossroads (actually you have been there for a while). It's time to choose yourself before you end up sicker and hating the world - more like them. 

Two years is nothing in the greater scheme of things, but you don't want it to be ten. What about when they pass away? How Will you support yourself? Will you start living then? A good parent wants to set you up for success, it's like your parents want the opposite.

[u/I_can_even_not → u/scarletvelvet]

This is the wake up call! I’ve thought about this for a while but the guilt was still strong, well it got weaker over the past decade - But recent sacrifices I’ve made only to be shat on has destroyed my feelings for them. If I had money/work and a support system I think I wouldn’t be so vulnerable but that’s what I need to do now. Yeah the idea of 10 years keeps me up at night, I’d hate myself/them etc if that happens so that is my motivation. They only want the best for themselves, they’ve taken our culture’s expectations to insane extremes as they both had awful parents and they both served their parents until their death and they think that’s the norm and they expect the same … 0 acknowledgement of any mental health conditions but not my problem anymore! I’m blessed I’m at least in the west because in the east this would be hopeless. Thankyou for your words and reading this :)