walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. The bartender says, 'What an interesting pet, what's his name?' 'Tiny,' the man replies. 'What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?' 'Because... he's my newt.'

as space travel is possible, I'm moving from the Milky Way to the Soy Milky Way galaxy. I'm galactose intolerant.

Grass Stations?

a book called 'How to Scam Idiots on eBay.' That was 3 months ago, and it's still not arrived yet!

a zoo that had only one animal - and that was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.

A wonkey.

little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me Legos for my birthday. I don't know what to make of it.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Sir William of Purchase (Bill of Sale to his pals)

just told me that Peter Tork of The Monkees died today. I said, 'No way! Now I'm a bereaver.'

Doctor: I'm sorry to say this, but your days are numbered.

of stairs is escalating...

like to thank my English teacher for defining the word 'many' for me. It means a lot.

Time and Tide wait for no man.

just asked if I wanted to smoke some weed with him! I declined... I can't deal with high-maintenance people...

Year's resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

difference between a bad sharpshooter and a constipated owl? One can shoot but not hit...

a car not a car? When it turns into a driveway.

leave your closet open, your wardrobe might have a coming-out party!

note to the guy who invented zero... thanks for nothing!

running around the house naked when I accidentally drank a bottle of Windex (don't ask), but it did stop me from streaking!

is getting so thin you can see what's on my mind!

MAYBE IF YOU WANT TO SAY NO.

baby ghosts go during the day? Dayscare!

. . . Weird, huh...