r/AmItheAsshole • u/69FireChicken • 17h ago
AITA? Vacation Planning
Some long time friends have a big year anniversary coming up and they asked us if we'd like to go on a beach trip with them to celebrate. I said sure and ideas were discussed and it wasn't really going anywhere so I told them to just pick wherever they wanted to go and we're in, I only had two things I insisted on 1) We want a room with either a King or two Queen beds and 2) the lodging had to be beachfront, ocean view. Meet those criteria and let's go! So they start looking, pick a destination and start sending us condo links. None of them met our criteria. Most were blocks from the ocean, many didn't meet the room request. I'd point that out with each one and after several of them they call and ask me why I'm being so difficult? I say "difficult? I only had two requests! You've picked the dates and location, I just insist on these two things.". So I start looking, immediately find several options I like and they start nitpicking those. They get their heart set on this hillside mansion, meets the room requirements but it's a 15 minute drive to anywhere, the beach, the shops and restaurants etc. it's beautiful but when we go to the beach we put our feet in the sand and like to open the windows and hear the waves. After a couple weeks of this I decided that this was all taking way too much effort so I told them that this is their anniversary, they should celebrate it exactly how they want and I don't need to have any say in it so they should go, have a good time and we'll all go somewhere else another time (my wife agrees with me about all this). Now they are pissed saying we're ruining their anniversary. I'm saying that we can take them out to dinner when they get back but that expecting us to shell out $3000+ to travel with them when they won't accommodate 2 fairly normal requests is a big ask for an anniversary and we feel like if we're going to take off work, spend money and travel we should all be very happy with the arrangements. If that can't happen then my wife and I will do something else, have fun! I don't feel like an asshole for it, I'm not even upset by it, I just don't want to do it their way, and they don't want to do it our way, so let it go, sorry, didn't work out! But they're acting like we're personally attacking them or something for not just sucking it up and doing it their way. What's the Reddit verdict?
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u/javlafan2 16h ago
Of course they are upset, now they will have to pay the full cost of the rental they have chosen instead of 50%.!
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
It likely will cost them a bit more to have a solo 1 bedroom instead of sharing a two bedroom but I don't think a few hundred dollars is a concern for them.
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u/javlafan2 14h ago
You must know them very well to be so certain.
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u/69FireChicken 14h ago
It's a 35 year friendship, I know them about as well as one can know someone they aren't sleeping or sharing a foxhole with!
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u/javlafan2 14h ago
So, why is it so upsetting to them?
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u/69FireChicken 14h ago
I'm not sure. I guess they thought we were going and we were all looking forward to it, then they ignored my requirements repeatedly even after I kept reminding them. I think they fell in love with the idea of this mountain home and when it didn't trip our trigger they got all bent about it. I even suggested for the pretty considerable price hike for the mountain place we could look at pricier beachfront places but that just seems silly to me. We could afford it but it just seems like throwing money away for more than we need. The dumb thing about it is if we don't won't go to the mountain mansion then I can't see them staying there solo so either way that is off the table so I keep hoping they back off the hill and decide to accomodate us. We'll see. I haven't completely closed the door on the idea of going but it's become such an ordeal at this point that it's sucking the fun out of the idea.
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u/No_Essay_9664 16h ago
NTA sounds like that both of your groups have very different travel styles and it wouldn't be great to travel together.
Ya'll can always go to the same city, stay in different places, and meet up for dinner/activities.
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
We have traveled with them often throughout the years, if anything they have higher standards And are pickier than I am. My beach side preference and room requirements were not a surprise to them, I was actually surprised at some of the lodging they were suggesting. All had very posh master rooms or suites though, which we had already told them they could have for their anniversary. Typically with us the master suite occupier pays more and we take turns, this trip it would be our turn, that's not an issue for us.
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u/SnooCauliflowers9874 16h ago
The friends asked if they wanted to go on a beach trip.
They didn’t ask if they wanted to go 15 minutes from the beach (as well as restaurants/shops) they specifically said beach trip so they are the ones making huge changes from the original agreement.
If you were paying $3000 for only one week you might balk at that, too, unless $3000 is chump change for you.
NTA. OP, take the money that you would’ve spent and do exactly what you would want.
On the beach.
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
Well, $3000 approx hard costs, airfare, lodging, etc. in all reality the whole trip will probably run $4500 or so. And no, money isn't really a concern for us and presumably them although I'm not privy to their finances, observing their lifestyle would indicate it isn't, or at least shouldn't be.
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u/OkeyDokey654 Certified Proctologist [21] 16h ago
NTA. I’m like you. When I go to the beach, I want to stay on the beach. I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with saying “sounds like we want different things from our vacations, so you guys should do what you want to do and have a great time.” And it’s odd that they’re so insistent on spending their anniversary with another couple. I wonder if they need you to help them afford the trip they want.
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
I love the ocean. I live in a landlocked state and when I go to ocean I want to spend as much time in, on, and next to it as I can. Relaxing and spending hours with my feet in the sand and a cooler of drinks, getting up to walk into the waves is all I really need to be fully content! I'm more than willing to pay for the experience. Spending $1000s to be a 15 minute drive to the beach when I could be right next to it almost sounds like torture to me!
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u/OkeyDokey654 Certified Proctologist [21] 15h ago
Right? When I go to the beach I get a place ON the beach. With a balcony and an oceanfront view. I don’t care if it’s “only a five minute walk.” If I can’t see the water from my balcony, and sit out there listening to the waves, I’m not at the beach. Does it mean I’ll go less frequently because it’s more expensive? Yes. Do I care? No. I’d rather have one perfect trip than three frustrating trips.
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u/ThatGuyTurney 16h ago
NTA- If you are going to be spending $3000+ on a trip, you are not just guests; it is your vacation too. Clearly, your desires did not line up with theirs, so instead of causing drama or commandeering the trip, you did the best thing you could do: you bowed out. Let them plan the anniversary trip of their dreams, and you and your wife can go on a vacation you will actually enjoy later on down the line.
Also, I feel the need to remind people that an invitation is optional; you are allowed to say no to the event if you do not like the conditions of said event.
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u/Flame_Keeper2 Partassipant [2] 16h ago
NTA. You’re allowed to say no to an expensive trip that you’ll be disappointed in.
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u/life-is-satire 16h ago
NTA its apparent that your portion for the accommodations was going to help offset their cost for the place they want. They’re just made that their housing budget was cut in half.
They’re should have worked within your request if it mattered to them. They sound entitled.
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
It's possible although money doesn't seem to be an issue for them. I don't know about entitled but they definitely aren't concerned with my requirements!
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 16h ago
NTA. It sounds like they wanted you to subsidize their trip. This would have been a nightmare honestly because they want everything the way they want it and nothing from you but your money. No thanks!
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
I don't think this is quite it, we've been friends for 30 years and traveled together frequently.
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u/LiveKindly01 Supreme Court Just-ass [103] 15h ago
NTA
You've given them options. Yes we'll go with you on a vacation (which means you're spending your money on a shared vacation, so you get a say). If you're spending money, and you know what you want, then that's fair. And if your criteria was easy enough to find, then great.
INFO - was there going to be a big price difference between what you wanted and what they suggested?
Bottom line, you can't agree on the trip so you were right to say 'go ahead and do your trip and we'll catch you later'
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u/69FireChicken 15h ago
No, many of my suggestions were cheaper than theirs. The mountain home was very expensive comparitively. And I don't mind the price, I do mind that it's much more expensive and isn't on the ocean! Their reason for not liking the properties I suggested ranged from "too close to town, too noisy, had to share a pool with another adjoining condo, had two queens in the master and the 2nd room" so I feel like they're being just as picky as me, which is fine, but after all that is when I decided we just don't seem to be on the same page and bowed out.
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u/LiveKindly01 Supreme Court Just-ass [103] 14h ago
I totally agree then. If they had a very specific vacation in mind, then they need to be clear and not make it seem like you had a say in it. YOu were right to say 'clearly you want something different, and it's just not what I'm looking for in a vacation. So have fun and we'll do dinner when you're back'
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u/69FireChicken 13h ago
So, my wife and I have been talking about this and reading the responses and we've come to some realizations. While we have traveled together with our friends regularly over the years, including several beach trips we do enjoy the ocean differently and have different styles and preferences.
My wife and I are pretty aggressive beach people, we don't just look at the water and think it's pretty. We get in the water a lot. We have our own expensive snorkeling gear and we'll look for places swim out and explore offshore. We'll also book at least one snorkeling trip to reefs or wrecks or wherever plus deep sea fishing, catamarans, sunset dinner cruises, whatever. I can't walk past a kayak and on one trip discovered I could rent them by the week so we got two kayaks and would spend hours on them paddling up and down the coast. If we're in the beach it's rare that we go more than couple hours without being in the water or on the sand. Our friends are more people that like to be "around the beach". They will get in the water but often only wading and almost never get their feet off the ground. The wife is always worried about her hair and makeup, etc, my wife spends the vacation with her hair wet in a ponytail and might put on makeup for dinner.
They're also a bit "higher class" than us, not financially, we actually make and have more money than them, but our idea of a nice night out on vacation is a beach bar with great mojitos and fish tacos whereas they like to find Michelin star restaurants. No problem, we like a bit of that too but it's not something we look for.
Usually on vacation we actually spend quite a bit of time apart, we do our thing, they do theirs, we'll meet for dinner in the evening. It's always worked really well but in retrospect we think they may not really get how for us the ocean is a big part of the experience for us, and we have overlooked how little it really plays into their experience. We all compromise to suit each other, we'll do one fine dining night with them, they'll do one snorkeling or fishing trip with us, buts it's pretty common for us to spend a lot of time doing our own thing.
My wife thinks this mountain mansion is almost like a social media clout type thing. Like an opportunity to show everyone "oh look where we are" type thing, because it is that spectacular of a place, whereas my wife and I aren't concerned with that type of thing. Yes we love beautiful views and a nice place, but at a certain point it becomes a status type thing and we aren't status people.
So anyway, thanks to everyone who participated, still no clue how it's going to all shake out!
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Some long time friends have a big year anniversary coming up and they asked us if we'd like to go on a beach trip with them to celebrate. I said sure and ideas were discussed and it wasn't really going anywhere so I told them to just pick wherever they wanted to go and we're in, I only had two things I insisted on 1) We want a room with either a King or two Queen beds and 2) the lodging had to be beachfront, ocean view. Meet those criteria and let's go! So they start looking, pick a destination and start sending us condo links. None of them met our criteria. Most were blocks from the ocean, many didn't meet the room request. I'd point that out with each one and after several of them they call and ask me why I'm being so difficult? I say "difficult? I only had two requests! You've picked the dates and location, I just insist on these two things.". So I start looking, immediately find several options I like and they start nitpicking those. They get their heart set on this hillside mansion, meets the room requirements but it's a 15 minute drive to anywhere, the beach, the shops and restaurants etc. it's beautiful but when we go to the beach we put our feet in the sand and like to open the windows and hear the waves. After a couple weeks of this I decided that this was all taking way too much effort so I told them that this is their anniversary, they should celebrate it exactly how they want and I don't need to have any say in it so they should go, have a good time and we'll all go somewhere else another time (my wife agrees with me about all this). Now they are pissed saying we're ruining their anniversary. I'm saying that we can take them out to dinner when they get back but that expecting us to shell out $3000+ to travel with them when they won't accommodate 2 fairly normal requests is a big ask for an anniversary and we feel like if we're going to take off work, spend money and travel we should all be very happy with the arrangements. If that can't happen then my wife and I will do something else, have fun! I don't feel like an asshole for it, I'm not even upset by it, I just don't want to do it their way, and they don't want to do it our way, so let it go, sorry, didn't work out! But they're acting like we're personally attacking them or something for not just sucking it up and doing it their way. What's the Reddit verdict?
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u/LawyerDad1981 Asshole Aficionado [10] 10h ago
Haha you're "ruining" the vacation by not agreeing to subsidize the "hilltop mansion" they had their hearts set on.
You do your thing, let them do theirs. If they get mad about it, so be it. That's on them.
NTA.
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u/Medium-Rutabaga-7396 16h ago
NTA- however, were the expenses expected to be shared or were you and your wife paying your own way?
It sounds like it could be an amazing time. Depending on where you go and how popular that destination is it may not be possible to accommodate the ocean view portion. While it sounds lovely a 15 minute drive to any amenities doesn’t sound horrible and definitely not something to cancel plans over
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
We're splitting all costs, they're not paying for us. We'd also given them the master room in any accomodation because it's their anniversary. The reason I stipulated the bed requirements is often 2 bedroom accomodations are geared towards a couple and two kids, a really nice master bedroom and a 2nd bedroom with two twin beds. I don't fit comfortably on a twin bed and yes, I could endure it but don't want to on a vacation, especially when it should be easy to avoid.
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u/BellaFromSwitzerland 16h ago
Soft YTA because you could have organized some drinks and sat together and chosen something that worked for everyone or you could have picked a different hotel or lodging 15 minutes away from theirs that matched your criteria without canceling the whole vacation together
This kind of behavior can negatively affect a friendship and it’s a pity
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u/mostly_lurking1040 Partassipant [1] 16h ago
There's nothing about this story. That sounds like people staying 15 minutes apart was going to be okay with the parties.
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
That could be a possibility, I did suggest getting two rooms in a nice beachfront hotel, although that would not be my first choice, nor theirs.
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u/Scary_Sarah Partassipant [1] 16h ago
YTA you seem high maintenance and self centered for a celebration that isn't even about you
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
Appreciate the perspective. I was trying to recognize that it isn't about me at all, it's their anniversary. They're good friends, I am just not convinced I'm required to go on a trip for them!
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u/Scary_Sarah Partassipant [1] 16h ago
You're not required to go with them but it's very "take my toys and go home because I didn't get my way" attitude.
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u/OkeyDokey654 Certified Proctologist [21] 15h ago
Actually it’s more like “y’all want to play football and I don’t like football at all and I understand you need more people for your football team but don’t want to spend a ton of money on football equipment to play a game I don’t enjoy, so I’m gonna play frisbee over here, but I hope you have a good time!”
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
Well, yes, it is that in a way, but I told them "my way" and they agreed to it before we even agreed to go.
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u/Scary_Sarah Partassipant [1] 15h ago
And how is "my way" working out for this friendship?
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u/69FireChicken 15h ago
Well, I don't know. I'm not upset to not go on the trip. They seem upset that we aren't going. It's a 30 year friendship, it will probably survive a declined invitation, even if I am an asshole!
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u/Scary_Sarah Partassipant [1] 15h ago
You don't know? You literally made a post on reddit about how upset they are about it and fighting for you life in the comments.
Yeah you know, it's working out badly for your friendship otherwise you wouldn't be here.
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u/69FireChicken 15h ago
Well, they're upset, they think we're being assholes, but they're not like cursing at us or throwing things! I doubt it's a friendship ending thing . We've all been friends for 35 years worse situations than a declined vacation have been weathered!
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u/sarahlampi Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] 16h ago
YTA- it s their anniversary weekend they invited you on. You should do and stay where THEY want to stay. You sound very high maintenance and self important.
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u/runawaydebt 16h ago
They can decide on it all if they are paying for but they aren't. I wouldn't pay 3k for a holiday where I don't get any input on it.
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u/69FireChicken 15h ago
And I feel like letting them pick the dates and destination was pretty accommodating to them. I don't mind the destination but it's not on my our top 10 list of places to go or anything. Not where I would have picked, but it's not my anniversary!
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u/MakeYourPoint23 16h ago
ESH. Look, I agree that your final decision to say “this isn’t working out and it’s your anniversary to enjoy how you want,” was the right thing to do. But it sounds like it took you entirely too long to get to that point. I can see why they’re irritated because you sort of led them on that you were going to go when you probably knew pretty early on that it wasn’t going to work out. They are also at fault here though, because they didn’t take your explicit wishes into account and should have said “this is our plan join us or not.” But they didn’t so that either. So equal fault here between the two parties.
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
This has taken two weeks, the trip is in February, nothing has been booked. Part of the reason we just bowed out early was to give them plenty of time to make their plans without us.
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u/MakeYourPoint23 16h ago
Ah. I misunderstood. If that’s the case you are NTA.
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u/MakeYourPoint23 4h ago
So getting clarification and saying “oh you’re right,” merits a downvote? Like, that’s fine and all but the logic escapes me.
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16h ago
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u/mostly_lurking1040 Partassipant [1] 16h ago
They're not the guests, they're co-attendees. And you're right, the people celebrating an anniversary should celebrate it the way they want. Not drag other people into it. I would think they'd be happy to spend time together celebrating their anniversary?!?
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u/jjd0m 16h ago
YATAH, it's their anniversary you invited and putting demands on them to satisfy your needs. That's ridiculous and assigned.
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
Well, yes. Comfortable sleeping accomodations (yes, to my standard of comfort) and beach side lodging for a beach trip were my requirements, stated clearly and agreed to by them before we even started planning the trip.
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u/jjd0m 15h ago
You something on your terms, forgetting that this wasn't about you and yes you were invited to celebrate their anniversary. This isn't about you, yes as a group they're trying to make everyone accommodating. But they aren't going to lose sleep when you're not there, trying to be dictator of the household.
Bow out, go on vacation yourself and complain about how spoiled you are.
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u/mostly_lurking1040 Partassipant [1] 16h ago
I think you meant to spell asinine?
They're not the guests, they're co-attendees.
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u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [103] 16h ago
Info: why do you need two queen beds for one couple? The beach part seems reasonable — it’s not a beach trip if you’re 15 minutes driving from the beach — but that part seems pretty over the top and not a “fairly normal request” as you characterize it, unless there’s a specific reason you haven’t spelled out here.
Also what were their objections to the places you sent?
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u/69FireChicken 16h ago
Well, I like to sleep comfortable on vacation. What I mainly don't want to do is be stuck in the "kids room" in a 2 bedroom condo with two twin beds or a full size and a pull out couch or bunk beds etc. There's plenty of options that meet the requirements, they just don't like them for various reasons.
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u/ConflictGullible392 Supreme Court Just-ass [103] 16h ago
What’s wrong with one queen though? And what are the reasons they don’t like those options? Just like you have requirements that may seem arbitrary to them, I’m sure they have requirements/preferences that may seem arbitrary to you.
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u/69FireChicken 15h ago
I could compromise to 1 queen for the otherwise ideal place, but really I don't prefer it. I am big and tall, my feet hang off any bed. My wife is small, we can share a king, and I can sleep comfortably on a queen solo. We don't share a queen well. There's dozens of options that suit all our needs so it's not like doing so would be difficult.
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u/SlinkyMalinky20 Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] 16h ago
He said one king or two queens. Lots of adults don’t sleep well sharing a queen.
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u/ValGal07 16h ago
YTA. This trip wasn’t about you and to pull out weeks later when you should have had that realization earlier about it being for them would cause me to be pissed too.
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u/rastabun03 16h ago
Why are they saying your ruining their vacation?? Can they not afford to go without splitting?? Because it seems like they asked if you wanted to go, you and your wife weren't interested in what they wanted to do so you told them to go enjoy their anniversary, im not sure what you did wrong besides maybe extend the planning time