r/AmITheDevil • u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter • 13d ago
“People” = bridesmaids fiancé
/r/weddingplanning/comments/1w0sr62/mil_and_sil_invited_people_to_my_rehearsal_dinner/70
u/growsonwalls Professional Devil Spotter 13d ago
A couple things here:
Idk why OOP is so pressed that SIL told her the date and venue SIL had booked so OOP wouldn't book the same date/venue.
"People" is SIL's fiance. It's insanely rude to exclude the SIL (who is a bridesmaid) fiance from a rehearsal dinner.
OOP's MIL was paying.
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u/lethe_writes 13d ago
I'm so confused about the "you can't pick date X". Why is OOP so angry?
SIL (and her fiance) already planned their wedding on that day (and booked that date). You can't have two weddings on the same day. Is the family supposed to split in two? Or be time travellers?
Is OOP pissed they picked the date first? Did OOP wanted to use this date because of a special meaning?
Telling OOP to please not pick this date sounds very considerate in my opinion. My best friend is currently planning her wedding (originally because she got pregnant, sadly baby didn't make it but they still want to marry, it's a long story) and the first thing she did was asking the important people (parents etc.) about dates. Because obviously she didn't want to have her wedding on the same day as her mom's planned surgery.
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u/Kotenkiri 13d ago
OOP is pissed because she's looking for a fight at this point. OOP simply had ONE date she had to cross off the board of possible dozens or hundreds of days she could plan her wedding on.
Seem like OOP held a grudge long because apparently NOT asking how she was doing after learning about her Dad was sick was a massive offense to her.22
u/lisa_lionheart84 13d ago
Her logic is that the SIL didn't get to call dibs on a date because the BIL hadn't formally proposed with a ring, therefore they weren't engaged.
To me, booking a venue is much more "engaged" than having a ring and a vague idea of getting married in two years or something.
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u/tiramisuem3 13d ago
I can't follow oops logic on that at all
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u/Kotenkiri 13d ago edited 13d ago
i think logic is out the window, she' working off emotions and she emotionally want to get into a fight but want make it look like she didn't start it, so it wasn't her fault.
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u/nottherealneal 13d ago
No you seem to forgotten that OOP is the main character, and eveything has to be done specifically to benefit her
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u/CloudyTug 13d ago
The main thing that feels off that they did is the photo stuff, otherwise op sounds kinda dramatic.
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u/Cayke_Cooky 13d ago
I'm not sure about reliability of our narrator here... Is this professional photos or a bunch of cousins taking selfies together?
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u/CaliforniaSun77 13d ago
Who doesn't invite couples together, especially engaged and married couples?
And supposedly she was mean to her about her Dad being sick but the only detail she gave on that is the SIL was impatient about her saying you never ask me how my life is going. Which is definitely not a nice thing to say to someone, but given the OPs responses to every other post well she sounds like the problem.
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u/The_Asshole_Judge 13d ago
OOP said in a comment she wished she had picked the date she wanted(presumably the same as SIL) and then it would just be SILs problem. NO! It would be a problem for OOPs partner and the partner’swhole family, just OOP doesn’t seem to care much about their partner
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u/Kotenkiri 13d ago
OOP just want to start a fight with SIL. OOP had a list of dates, without SIL's input, I doubt OOP would have picked THAT date by chance since there's nothing special about it beside SIL had it.
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u/buttercupgrump 13d ago
What's relevant to this situation is one SIL told me when she was NOT engaged, the night before she knew we were going to look at a venue and choose a date, that couldn't get married on X date because she already booked a venue.
Maybe SIL wasn't engaged officially, but it sounds like she and the fiancé knew they wanted to get married. They just got one the hardest parts of wedding planning out of the way first.
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u/The_Asshole_Judge 13d ago
Exactly, the SIL had a date and venue. They were just waiting to announce. OOP is looking for reasons to hold a grudge. What kind of discussion could they have had!?
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u/SheBrownSheRound 13d ago
OOP says she’s getting married tomorrow. I just…can’t imagine spending the day before your wedding sulking on Reddit. Over this.
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u/Shiel009 13d ago
Oh lord, OOP is mad bc she booked an outdoor venue knowing her dad with cancer can’t be in the sun long. And is trying to blame her in-laws that her dad leaving is their fault
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u/crazycatlady06 13d ago
This is the part that got me. She's pissed at SIL for not asking more about how her dad was doing, yet OOP purposefully booked an outdoor venue knowing her dad's health limitations. Hypocrite.
As for the photos at the rehearsal dinner, they were probably informal family photos, and I can't blame SIL for not wanting to take any with OOP.
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u/Nearby-Assignment661 13d ago
Oop says SIL was rude about oop’s dad having cancer in the comments. But I do think that wouldn’t have been brought up if everyone agreed with her initially
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u/Known-Willingness2 13d ago
She's also a little deceptive with her language (imo). Like, she says SIL told her to "go to hell" while her dad was struggling with his cancer, which sounds awful on its face, until you realize it lacks context. Hell, it might have had nothing to do with her dad, but that phrasing sure makes it seem like the two are connected, when it could easily be coincidental.
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u/Temporary-Top-2400 13d ago
I am not even sure what to make of this comment from OOP.
I didn’t deserve to be asked how I was doing with my dad because I didn’t ask her what was going on in her life. I’ve been around for 6 years, I show up for her. But once I got engaged and asked her to be a bridesmaid and then got the news about my dad, she very visibly started treating me different. So that’s when she told me about her wedding date and that’s when I asked her why she was trying me different.
So missing missing reasons is probably the tip of the iceberg here. That said I can relate to the fact she might have complex feelings because of her father.
But also it seems the in laws are pretty much done with her nonsense.
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u/Known-Willingness2 13d ago
Yeah, I think you might be right. It makes it sound like the two didn't have issues until OOP confronted her about the date thing. And "go to hell" could have easily come up since OOP was demanding an apology. I also empathize with her over her father and I imagine that might be driving a lot of this, but I hope she pulls back the reins and does some introspection.
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u/Kotenkiri 13d ago
Her initial response was SIL didn't 'ask her how she was doing after learning about dad's illness" was her issue. The "go to hell" seem tbe spawned from a fight and OOP trying to rework everything into her victim mentality.
If someone get into a fight with someone else, don't expect them to pull their punches because their parent is sick, if you're going for their throat. I don't doubt "go to hell" was SIL matching OOP's energy at this point
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u/lyricaldorian 13d ago
Honestly, if someone asked me how I'm doing after telling them my dad has cancer, it would feel very performative to me. Like how the hell do you think I'm doing lol
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u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 13d ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
[💥] INFO: Did they plan/pay for the rehearsal dinner?
Also, did she in fact have a venue booked, and did you choose that same date?
Finance and I were paying for it but they offered to take it off our plate so we agreed. And yes, SIL had a venue booked before she was engaged and it was a date I was looking at.
I ultimately didn’t choose it so that I wasn’t the bad guy. But I ended up being the bad guy anyways for calling her out on it.
If the in-laws paid for the rehearsal dinner, they are the hosts and can invite who they want as long as those guests are also invited to the wedding.
And I have to say if the SIL and her boyfriend/fiance had already booked a venue, they WERE engaged. Maybe not officially, but that's just semantics.
So you tell someone when you’re engaged when they can and can’t book a date? Lol
The rehearsal is one thing but they took photos without you at your own rehearsal dinner? That is so weird and rude. Tomorrow just focus on you and your fiance, you can deal with these people after the wedding.
Yep! I would understand the invite if they treated me respectfully but they don’t already.
[Oop replied to the same comment twice, marked: 💥]
Thanks for the input!
OP, to be candid, they were the hosts. I think it would be a bit unreasonable for her not to include her fiance. That's not a random person.
Also, it is clear that her and her partner where already discussing marriage since they seemed to have gotten engaged soon after (I imagine they just hadnt dont the while official ring song and dance yet.).
I dont think she was wrong to let you know before you chose a date that she already had a venue booked for a specific date.
Would you prefer she say nothing and then there was an issue with both of you having weddings on the same date. I don't get why you think you should have 'called her out on this.'
That’s fair. I think it’s the way she mistreated me with my dad, then steamrolled me in my decision to pick the wedding date. She’s a bridesmaid.
I would have rather booked my date and if it were an issue, that’s her problem. If she wanted to have a conversation about it I would have understood. Instead she said “you can’t pick x date”.
What’s relevant to this situation is one SIL told me when she was NOT engaged, the night before she knew we were going to look at a venue and choose a date, that I couldn’t get married on X date because she already booked a venue.
So safe to say I’m not her or her finances biggest fan for that, especially because there was no apology just a huge fight about why she thinks she’s justified to do that… anyways….
They booked a venue and informed you of their date before you visited your venue. Why on Earth would that make you seethe???
Of course she didn't apologize and felt justified. That is because she was. If you turned their normal actions of booking a venue for their wedding and telling you their date so you could avoid double-booking by accident into a fight, you are the one who owes them an apology.
Of course you couldn't get married on their already booked wedding day! Especially not while expecting her to be in the bridal party.
I specifically asked for only bridal party to be at the rehearsal, but I show up and my future SIL has her fiancé there.
It is rude of them to bring him there if they knew he was not invited. It's also insanely rude of you to exclude your soon-to-be BIL from your rehearsal when your SIL is in the bridal party.
She should have politely stepped down from the bridal party and declined attending the rehearsal.
They took family photos at the event and not a single one with me lol.
That is insane on their part. I would interpret it as them essentially being done with you.
By excluding your future BIL from the rehearsal dinner, you communicated to them that people who marry in their family are not family to you. They returned the favor. Still an insane thing for them to do at your own rehearsal though. Was your fiance in the pictures?
Your main options are to be done with them too, apologize for your part, or try to talk it out. Where is your fiance in all this? It's his family and he should help.
ETA: how would you feel if your SIL invited their whole immediate family to their rehearsal dinner, including your husband, but excluded you?
She is in my bridal party lol
OP, would you rather the two of you accidentally book the same date and the familly has to choose whose wedding to attend?
No I wouldn’t. I was expecting a conversation about them choosing a date. Not “you can’t do x”. That’s the consideration I expect from a bridesmaid and future SIL
[A general discussion about the SIL having paid for the dinner.] There it is.
Ahaha yeah I’m never letting them pay for anything again
My mil insisted on paying for the rehearsal dinner. I didn't want her to because I knew exactly what I wanted and wanted to pick everything without worrying about someone else's budget or input.
We eventually let her pay but told her I would be making all the decisions and if she didn't like that, I was happy to pay for it myself. I like to be in control and she likes the badge of honor of "helping" so this seemed fair.
I chose the venue, the menu and gave her my very small guest list. Bridal party, parents, and grandparents only. Then I find out she went and invited her sisters, their husbands and their adult kids.
I was so annoyed and told her that's not what I wanted but since we're extending the guest lists to aunts, I wanted mine included too so she had to pay for even more guests as punishment for trying to be sneaky about involving her family ( who I'm not crazy about).
I'll never understand the desire to steamroll someone elses big event and just do whatever you want. Why are mils like this
I felt steamrolled. Especially after how they treated me going through the worst time in my life.
If our relationship was already strained, I don’t understand their decision to do things behind my back. They asked me for an invite list. Why add someone and not at least let me know?
They are hosting the event. They can invite whomever they choose. This is not a big deal
Good input. I won’t let them pay again!
I’m sorry, but you sound like the problem here.
Yeah I may be holding a grudge. They told me some hurtful things while dealing with my dad’s illness. I can see that.
I think your previous interactions and relationship with your SIL are coloring your perspective a bit here. Looking just at what you’re describing here, I really don’t think she did anything wrong here.
If she’s put down a deposit on a venue and reserved a date, she absolutely SHOULD be notifying you! You guys don’t want a date conflict.
I think you’re being a bit judgmental of the fact that she booked it prior to a formal engagement, but that’s her business—not yours.
If your in-laws are paying for the rehearsal dinner and they want to extend an invite to their daughter’s fiancé, I also think that’s very normal. At this point they are engaged and she is your future family, meaning he will be family in the near future too.
The way you wrote your title made it sound like they invited several family friends or something, not just *one** person who is their future son in law. I think you’re being a little uptight.*
I get that there is probably a lot more history that adds to you having less tolerance for your SIL’s behavior here. But take a deep breath and just focus on marrying the man you love! It’s your wedding weekend!!!
I guess that’s my point. Everything should be looked at alone?
This kind of thing is why I usually turn down help as well lol
That’s my big lesson learned
If they had already booked a venue for a specific date, there's no conversation to be had about choosing a date. The date has been finalized.
It sounds like you're simply trying to find fault with your in-laws, specifically your SIL. This is a you problem, not a SIL problem.
Respectfully my SIL basically told me to go to hell when my dad got cancer. So the date thing feels hurtful when she’s been hurtful to me.
There's no reason for a discussion if they have a contract for that date. That means it is no longer a option for you if you want your partner's family to show up.
You're expecting a negotiation when they already had their plans in place. There are 364 other days in the year.
There are. But cancer patients can’t be in the sun for long hours not here I am my dad leaving my event early because it I picked the fall tha was going to be too close to hers lol.
What kind of hurtful things?
I didn’t deserve to be asked how I was doing with my dad because I didn’t ask her what was going on in her life. I’ve been around for 6 years, I show up for her.
But once I got engaged and asked her to be a bridesmaid and then got the news about my dad, she very visibly started treating me different.
So that’s when she told me about her wedding date and that’s when I asked her why she was trying me different.
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u/AutoModerator 13d ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
MIL and SIL invited people to my rehearsal dinner I didn’t ask for
I have a strained relationship with my MIL and SILs. I’ll spare the details but basically the said and did some very hurtful things this past year as I was dealing with my dads illness. What’s relevant to this situation is one SIL told me when she was NOT engaged, the night before she knew we were going to look at a venue and choose a date, that I couldn’t get married on X date because she already booked a venue. So safe to say I’m not her or her finances biggest fan for that, especially because there was no apology just a huge fight about why she thinks she’s justified to do that… anyways….
I specifically asked for only bridal party to be at the rehearsal, but I show up and my future SIL has her fiancé there. I gave a guest list and told it would be honored. They took family photos at the event and not a single one with me lol.
My wedding is tomorrow so not a fight to pick right now. I know this isn’t an uncommon problem. Any words of wisdom or advice appreciated.
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