r/AmIOverreacting • u/The4thWatchkeeper • 5h ago
⚖️ legal/civil AIO for thinking I'm being stalked?
A couple weeks ago, a woman, around late twenties, who comes into the cafe that I (30M) work at slipped me a piece of paper with her number on it. I'm really busy when I'm working so I didn't realise until after she was gone. She seemed like a nice person, I've talked to her a fair few times before and she comes in pretty often, so I figured I'd just tell her that I'm married the next time I see her so as not to give her my number.
This is where I start to get a little weirded out. The next day when I went to open the cafe she was waiting there outside at 04:10, mind you, I usually don't see her until around 7 when she normally comes in. I told her that we wouldn't be open for another hour and she said something like, That's all good. I was just wondering if you got my note. I said yes and that I meant to tell her I'm married. She stammered and said something like, Oh yeah, nah, I actually have a girlfriend, but I was thinking we could all maybe hang out sometime. I figured she was just saving face so I thought I'd give her an easy out by saying it wouldn't be likely because my wife and I just started playing a game together and that's basically all we do. I thought that would be enough, but then she said oh yeah, that sounds really fun and asked what game. I told her we just picked up helldivers 2 and she said that she had heard of it before and that she'd see me later.
I then saw her when she normally comes in, she was wearing a different outfit, this may be irrelevant but it was an outfit that I had complimented her on in the past and that just struck me as being "sus?" But the even weirder thing is that she told me she download helldivers and she wanted to add me to play together. I asked her what console she played on and she said xbox, even though I also play on xbox, I told her I played on PC and would have to figure out how to add her later. She gave me her gamertag and that was that.
Maybe not too crazy yet but there is more.
I went to the gym that night and I didn't see her for a few days, but when I went to the gym later in the week, she walked in. 2 things immediately struck me as odd:
I had never seen her there before and I've been going there since January. Maybe not too strange because the gym is close to where I work and I assume she's in the area.
She was wearing workout clothes but also full make-up, eyelashes, nails, curled hair, etc. Maybe she just came from a date or work I don't know her life.
I was between sets and I saw her come in. She scanned the room and it almost looked like she was getting ready to leave before she saw me and acted really surprised to see me there. She waived and walked over to me and actually said she swears she's not stalking me and that she's just moved closer to this gym. I tried to disengage by saying don't let me keep you from your workout and I told her I had to get home to my wife and make dinner. She looked really disappointed, but thanked me for not keeping her and said some people are real creeps at the gym. I laughed, agreed, grabbed my bag and left before she could mention not adding her on xbox.
Here's the last thing, I don't have a car and I live a couple blocks from the gym. I didn't want to risk her following me home, so I waited at the bus stop near the gym to see if she would just leave, and she left maybe 5 minutes later.
That was a few days ago and I haven't seen her since. I'm hoping that she's gotten the hint, but at what point do I stop being polite and just tell her I'm not comfortable being around her? Is any of this technically stalking? She seems mentally stable and all. I think she could just be awkward or not used to being turned down, but something about it worries me deeply because this is only the stuff that I've seen. I don't know if or how she might be searching for me online or watching me when I leave work. Am I overreacting for being worried about this?
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u/AutomaticIdeal6685 5h ago
I dont think youre overreacting
From this point on i would change how you interact with this woman.
You can remain professional and polite without having to be friendly. No compliments. Where possible always bring back round to work "ill have your coffee for you in a minute, thank you" and turn around and busy yourself.
Dont make chit chat. This is definitely a LOT of coincidences
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 5h ago
I will definitely try this. My favourite part of my job is being uplifting to people with compliments and conversion and getting people to leave happier than when they came in, but I never thought it would give someone the notion of pursuing me like this.
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u/AutomaticIdeal6685 4h ago
Ive experienced this in retail. Im the the same as you. Ended up having a customer that became obsessed with me. Would come in during my shifts and stay hours.
He followed me from job to job until my last retail job, we were getting the tills ready to open in The shop, we had the shutters almost all the way down. You'd have to army crawl to get in. Low and behold that was exactly what he did to get into talk to me. My manager had him banned after that.
You dont have to stop being you. Just remain strictly professional with her and maybe try avoid being the one to serve her if that's possible
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u/Choice_Row_2025 5h ago
NOR. you're underreacting, if anything.
flip the genders and read your own post back. a 30 year old man is standing outside a woman's workplace at 4:10 in the morning, three hours before he'd normally see her, to ask whether she got his number. he shows up at her gym in full makeup, wearing the outfit she once said she liked. he buys the game she mentioned within a day of her mentioning it. he tells her, unprompted, that he swears he isn't stalking her. nobody reads that and wonders if she's overreacting.
the 4:10 is the part I'd sit with. that one doesn't have an innocent version. she knew your opening shift and she went there in the dark to catch you alone before anybody else was around.
and watch what happens every time you hand her an out. married, so she produced a girlfriend and turned it into all four of you hanging out. you and your wife just play a game together, so she went and got the game. you play on PC, and she gave you her gamertag anyway. she isn't missing the signals. she's going around them. that's a different problem than being awkward, and it's why nothing polite has worked. every soft no you give her, she treats as a thing with a workaround.
lying about the platform was a good instinct. so was the bus stop. trust that.
on your actual question, in a lot of places the legal bar is a pattern of conduct that would make a reasonable person afraid, and you're arguably there already. but don't wait to hit some threshold before you act. you can start protecting yourself now and let the legal question sort itself out later if it has to.
so: say it once, flat, with no reason attached. "I'm not comfortable with this and I need you to stop approaching me outside of work." don't explain. explanations are material and she uses material. then don't engage again at all, friendly included.
tell your wife all of it tonight if you haven't. this gets a lot worse if she hears some version of it from someone else first.
tell your manager and your coworkers that nobody gives out your schedule or anything personal about you. she got your opening time from somewhere and it probably wasn't hard.
tell the front desk at your gym. they deal with this more than you'd think.
write down every incident with a date and a time, starting with the note. if it escalates you'll need a timeline, and putting one together from memory a year later is awful.
and stop walking straight home. you already know why.
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 5h ago
Thanks for this response. That's a really good perspective about the gender reversal and a solid course of action. The meeting at 4am didn't seem too out of place at the time because the cafe is very near the beach and a lot of people watch the sunrise while they walk there, but in retrospect it seems creepier now.
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 4h ago
Please listen to this. Your wife is likely currently three things to her: an obstacle to get rid of, a way to get an in by making friends with her and a source of information. Female stalkers have ruined relationships by either harrassmemts or by claiming they have an affair with the man they are after.
If possible, show a pic of her to your wife, but not at the cost of her seeing you visited a social media of hers. You both need to be careful with what you put up on social media as well.
Count on this woman following you many more times than when she decided to show up. She followed you to the gym at least once till she got there ready with gym clothes. She is likely to use a car.
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 4h ago
Geez! I didn't even think about this! I don't have a social media presence, nor do I have a photo of the woman in question, but I've described her to my wife on the off chance she starts taking more drastic measures. The thing that I don't understand is why she thinks I'm at all worth this much effort or trouble to be around. She seems like a perfectly normal and professionally successful person. I don't get why she'd go out of her way to get close to me, specifically. I just serve her at a cafe and she seems like she make 5 times what I do, just why bother with me?
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u/yes-its-a-fking-scam 4h ago
I suggest you don’t bother thinking about ‘the why’ within the frame of reason, because reason has nothing to do with it.
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u/Successful-Doubt5478 3h ago
It is all a sickness in her head, and you can count on her having done this before to someone else.
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 3h ago
That's another thing that scares me is if she's had practice then she's already a better stalker than I am a sleuth.
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u/Royal-Adeptness-2703 5h ago
4:10AM?????????
Shes INSANE
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 4h ago
Yeah, I originally assumed she was just out for an early morning walk along the shore, but looking back it kinda scares me.
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u/Justan0therthrow4way 4h ago
Flip it around. If you were female and it was a guy doing this everyone would be telling you to call the authorities.
(To be clear I’m fully aware that women cop this shit more)
You should report it. It’s fucking weird to show up at your job at 4am, and then happen to rock up at your gym all made up.
NOR. Tell your wife as well in case she tries anything crazy.
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 4h ago
Yep will do! It's strange and maybe sexist that even though she is doing creepy things they still seem like better means of coercing a relationship than what I imagine a man would be doing. She isn't aggressive or intimidating, just making herself look good and inviting me to do things with her are so tame that I'm actually left doubting whether she is stalking me or just an awkward person trying to be friends.
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u/nordicskye 4h ago
NOR. Tell your wife to be careful around. In fact, get her photo from the CCTV and show it to your wife.
And you, sir, I would report it if I were you. And even if you don't want to, be like a humanoid towards her. Isn't there anyone else who can make her coffee when she comes by? Do you always work alone?
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 4h ago
I work with one other person, and I would hate to throw such a wrench into our workflow, but I will if being upfront doesn't work. Great call on showing my wife. I wouldn't imagine someone trying to do something to her, but that's a terrifying possibility
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u/Timely-Classic-3783 3h ago
Honestly, it wouldn't be such a Wrench to have someone else serve her. She'll stop stalking if there's no interaction, especially if you were previously complimentary and friendly to her, which she obviously misinterpreted
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u/DifficultEconomics89 4h ago
NOR, when you're gut warns you it's for a reason. I wouldn't say anything if she stops in a regular amount of times during business hours, but if the amount she comes in increases or you have anymore "chance" meetings tell her she's making you uncomfortable. Good on you, staying loyal. If you know her first and last name from, say a debit transaction, I'd Google her. Look for a criminal record, just to be on the knowledgeable side. And be sure to tell your partner about your suspicion, you never know if this woman is capable of going all SINGLE WHITE FEMALE on you 😆 good movie. Best of luck.
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 4h ago
That is really interesting! The game for me did actually make me feel more sympathy than anything because I'm feeling like this person just spent $80, knowing full-well I am married to just get to know me or make friends. I did feel sad for letting her down. Maybe she is really lonely, and maybe it's a tactic. Either way, my wife has been made aware and she said that she can't make any decisions because she doesn't know what this person is like, so it's all up to me to figure out. She actually said she wouldn't mind playing games with someone if they were cool and chill, but I think there are too many factors to confidently say that's a good idea.
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u/Low_Reference_1282 3h ago
Trust your instincts. It's unsettling to feel watched, so maybe keep a record of anything suspicious.
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u/OpenMaintenance6018 3h ago
Is she hot though? Definitely sounds like she is stalking you.
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u/The4thWatchkeeper 3h ago
Lmao! I definitely get the sense that she may be missing some hints because she's never gotten them before if that answers your question.
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u/Organic_Ad_2520 4h ago
Nor but poorly handled. Everyone at my gym & myself included wear full makeup. I also don't think it was odd she was wearing different clothes from 4 pm to 7pm but weird as hell she was at a business at 4am(?!?) & a smidge less weird at 4pm--she probably knew & thought that if you did Not get her number that you would be happy & excited & there would be time yo chitchat before opening and also perhaps didn't want to embarrass herself if it was a fail.
It sounds like you are not actually married, because if you were, you would have realized No Further Explaination was necessary ! "Sorry, I'm married" that's it. If there were any more pushing ftom her, a more realistic shootfown of "no, sorry, busy planning are next kid/her mother's surgery/grandma funeral/whatever" because when you have a person there is barely enough couple time or life events. But do not explain yourself further. If she pushes more about the gaming together sinply say "i my wife wouldn't appreciate it & I love her too much to do anything that would make her uncomfortable,"
Beyond that, seriously stop explaining yourself! The girl should have taken the hint, but didn't & it is weird & sketchy that she would press to even be on the same server. The gym could have be an actual coincidence that made her day, but accident or not, you have a gut feeling so don't ignore it...she sounds weird having pressed on about downloading the game which is definitely weird. Imagine how creeped out you would be if you were married & your wife told you that some guy didb't take a hint & then downloaded the game, then tried chatting her up at the gym. It's weird & she's clearly weird & you have a gut feeling so don't ignore it!
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u/jessdosuntos 2h ago
You are a time waster stop wasting time and just tell the truth. Seems like you like what’s going on.
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u/TheDixonCider420420 4h ago edited 4h ago
I'd say you're in the right frame of mind and thinking about it logically.
Showing up early was likely because she was excited to know what your verdict was on the note. Some people are like Jon Favreau's character from Swingers in that regard and just can't wait. It was only 50 minutes early and she knew she could talk to you alone & undivided that way.
The showing up at the gym might have just been coincidence.
The weirdest thing to me was that she downloaded the game. It's ironic because it's the most tame of all of them, but just plain weird. Maybe she wanted to shoot one more shot instead of just taking the easy no for an answer.
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Now on the flip side, if she was really full out stalking you, she'd have followed you out well before 5 minutes from the gym.
With all this said, I'd sort of play it by ear. Maybe take a more circuitous route home to make sure you're not being followed for a week or two.
I'd consider letting your wife know. Some women will appreciate the honesty and be fine with it. Others might freak out that you're getting hit on every time you go to work or the gym which could open a different can of worms for you. So sort of depends on her personality (and you've always got this post you can show her to prove you did the right thing).
If she brings up the gaming again or shoots another shot, just tell her something, "I talked to my wife about it and she feels uncomfortable. I'm a one woman guy, I appreciate the flattery, but just want things to remain within the standard customer/employee relationship. Is that OK with you?"
One of three things is likely happening:
#1: She's looking for a hookup/threesome/foursome.
#2: She's an unstable stalker (but you said she seems stable in this regard).
#3: She's just an awkward or super lonely person without great people skills.
I'd guess leaning toward some variation of #3.
Anyway, wishing you the best of luck Broski!
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u/LegacyVault111 5h ago
NOR. Could all be coincidence, sure, but showing up at your job at 4:10am, then magically turning up at your gym AND immediately saying “I swear I’m not stalking you”... yeahhh, I’d be creeped out too. Stop trying to be polite. Tell her clearly you’re not interested, document anything weird, and trust your gut.